Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sunday bitchitude...

Blogger lost its motherfucking mind on Friday! Sorry for the lack of bitchitude.

This bitch is too excited about visiting Chicago. A certain Todd and ProfessorGQ call Chicago home and a bitch expects all manner of advice on who, what, where and when! A gathering may be in the works...and a bitch will bring my new favorite fashion accessory, a framed signed picture of Anderson Cooper, up to visit too (wink to Todd).

Let’s just jump right the hell on in…

You have officially lost your minds...
Just when a bitch thought the state of Missouri was done embarrassing the living shit out of me…the inmates otherwise known as our elected officials pull this kind of shit.

Yes, Missouri lawmakers found time in their busy day of oppressing women and denying chil'ren an education to propose a law that would basically make Christianity the official state religion.

It was too much to ask that this shit would fly under the radar of the national press...uh huh, too fucking much to ask!

Now, a bitch read the news that certain totally insane lawmakers want to make Christianity the official state religion of Missouri with some amusement. This bitch finds the notion of the multitudes that make up "Christianity" getting along during this power struggle rather optimistic…na├»ve as a motherfucker…and flawed beyond all possible understanding.

The officially fucked up resolution has some sort of wording that officially recognizes a “Christian God”…which is confusing, because a bitch always thought there was one Devine One rather than a different one for each faith. Or did they not mean to say it like that? Assholes.

This shit really got a bitch thinking.

When they say "Christian" what do they mean? Because a bitch has experienced all manner of Christian faiths and they are…well…very different in practice. This bitch was raised a Baptist, but not a Southern Baptist so it was cool to get your drink on and dance. There are Lutherans, Methodists, African Methodist Episcopal, Pentecostal, Presbyterians, Quakers and so forth and so on. And that’s not including the Catholics, who kicked all the Protestants into gear in the first place.

So…which Christian won this undercover state religion lottery?
And catch that knee before it jerks, Anonymous. History shows that Christians are great against a united enemy, but open up the door to some possible dominance and the in-fighting is enough to make Jesus weep.

After pondering that shit for a spell it dawned on me that this state religion shit may explain some earlier legislative hypocrisy. No wonder the motherfuckers in power didn’t move to outlaw divorce once they sanctified through the state the glorious divinity of man on woman marriage in Missouri! Well shit…they had a plan. First they moved to protect sanctified marriage from a non-existent enemy…then to make Christianity the state religion…and then they just have to be planning to outlaw fucking around, being a general asshole, being an abusive asshole and ending a marriage for any reason at all.

But wait! A bitch is confused. How can marriage be defined as being between a man and a woman if Christianity isn’t already the official state religion of Missouri? What exactly are they basing that definition on?

Oh no…you sorry assed motherfuckers executed the Dark One's master plan out of order! Y'all are fucking up the End of disorganized minionesque fucks.

If you intend to dominate the state through the influence of the word of Gawd…establish the sovereignty of the word of Gawd first! Hello!?!

Hold it!


That won’t work either…because of that pesky thing called separation of church and state that is so very American. Those silly founders noticed a wee little connection between corruption, the church and the utilization of religion to oppress the masses through the weapons of government.

Well, shit…rewind.

None of this shit works.

Makes a bitch wonder if these people aren't just tossing shit up into the fan for fun.

This bitch needs to prepare for the inevitable shit storm...


Homer said...

It would be interesting if they would pick a certain form of Christianity to be the Official Christianity. Then we could get to sit back and watch the uncivil religious war play out.

CP said...

It seems that a Princess would concur with a Bitch once more. I am of the Jewish faith and I don't define Christian as a religion so much as a "state of being". I have found that those who claim to follow the principals of Christianity are probably the most judgmental of all. They have forgotten the simply decree of "live and let live".

State religion. That's interesting. You know Florida, with all it's retired Jews is going to be the new Israel if given the chance.

What's next? A new state for lesbians and gays? New York maybe? How about a state for blacks? Shall we give the Puerto Ricans California? How about giving the Asians a nice spot in Utah? Oh, and I think mayhaps those of the Catholic faith should get Minnesota, since it is at the top of the map, and closer to God.

The world has gone mad, Bitch...and there is nothing we can do but sit back and TiVo it for playback at a later date.


jurassicpork said...

I surfed on in from Wampum. I can see how you got nominated for Best Blog.

I had to laugh when I saw this. As a white man born (but immune to) the Christian religions, I have to laugh my rosy red ass off when I see these poor, oppressed WASPs pulling out the oppression card and then do shit like this.

Good post, ABB.

Anonymous said...

Dang you are tight.

You got some great perspective and colorful language.

Keep on it.

Shawn Harmon

Anonymous said...

Wow I just found your blog! Great work! I love your rants! Keep it up!

christine mtm said...

well, here's my problem with this whole mess: i don't want the government (any form of it) to try and become any kind of authority on God or religion.

jesus christ, i spent four years in college and another 4 in seminary studying religion in order to become an expert in my field (i'm a lutheran pastor btw) i'm in my mid-thirties and will be paying off my student loans until i'm 60 so that i can teach people about God and faith and Jesus. the government should not be the authority on God. i don't want public school teachers teaching about what people should believe, i don't want the government to tell me (or anyone else) what religious moral standard we should live up to. and i don't want the govenernment to tell me which god i should worship. that is the whole point of freedom of religion and the whole point of the seperation of church and state.

and those idiots don't get it. they don't get how dangerous what they are doing is not just to non-christians, but christians too.

this is a a sore subject for me (could you tell?)


Maven said...

ABB, perhaps those MO legislators should check out this link:

Hey CP! A state for lesbians and gays? How about VT? They're very progressive up there!

Maven said...


Given how "history" in our public schools is presented with an obvious bias, I can only imagine how they'll fuck up the idea of presenting religion in our schools.

Anonymous said...

That is one downside that American evangelicals seem to forget when they agitate for a state religion. Many countries (like, say, certain Scandanavian ones) that have an "official" state religion have very low church attendance. The American "free-for-all" model, with no official church and broad freedoms for people to worship as they please, actually seems to lead to more widespread practice of religion.

Also, as you say, these sorts of statements usually conveniently leave out what type of Christianity is going to be "official". I suppose it would be awkward if somebody started pointing out the things many of those evangelical churches tell their congregations in private, about how all the Baptists who aren't the right kind of Baptists are going straight to hell and so forth.

My favorite is "Judeo-Christian," a la Pat Buchanan's "Judeo-Christian Values." Predicated on the notion that maybe some Jews will be lulled into thinking that it's all one big happy Old Testament-readin' family over here, and that those same evangelicals won't turn on them next once they're done with all the secularists and heathens and queers.

Splattering Words said...

Arrch. Um.. There are how many hundreds of so-called denominations of Christianity and it which one would be the state religion? That is ludicrous!

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