Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A bitch is back...!
2 cups coffee with milk-like powdered substance (a bitch needs to hit the market and score some organic milk) followed by Splenda, 1 fake-assed Sudafed, 1 Claritin and cigs…
Dining Out for Life was a scene last night! A bitch mingled with the masses and was thrilled to see Atomic Cowboy bursting with diners. Thanks to everyone who participated in this fundraising event!
Let’s just jump right in, shall we?
This bitch watched the Today Show with glee this morning. Scooter’s pending speech on Iraq coupled with the release of a previously classified plan for war resulted in an appearance by Bill fucking O’Reilly! Holy shit!
And that motherfucker was bitter this morning…
Katie had barely opened up the discussion when O’Reilly launched in with one of the 'best someone needs a hug' rants this bitch has seen in a long time…
“I’m not going to listen to the speech! It doesn’t matter what he says. I want to know why the Iraqi troops aren’t trained already! If we pull our of Iraq now it will turn into a terrorist state!”
ABB, with Carvillian glee...Ooooh, he’s mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!
“Win the damn thing!”
ABB in my best Southern belle...Mr. O’Reilly…this is morning television!
Katie, knocked back and slightly pale, interjected with the phrase that no one at the network wanted to utter…"What does winning mean?”
Oh shit! Oh shit!!
Light cig and gulp java!
Holy fucking shit! All hell is breaking out on the Today Show!
O’Reilly, faced with a question no one wants to answer, proceeded to not answer the unanswerable with the unthinkable…"We can’t guarantee a win. This is World War III. No one wants to talk about it, but it is. We have to create stability and…shit…fuck it! We can’t guarantee a win.”
A bitch took some liberties there...wink, wink.
But seriously, this is WWIII?
Wait one fucking second! This is WWIII and we can’t guarantee a win?
This is WWIII…and our goal is…to hope for the best and see how everything looks in 6 months?
Holy fucking shit.
Whatever happened to The Powell Doctrine...?
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Fantabulous, and just in time for Dining Out for Life tonight at Atomic Cowboy. If you are in St. Louis and still trying to decide where to dine, bring your happy ass to Atomic Cowboy and visit with a bitch!
My darling Phaggot, there were no cuties in the courthouse. Sigh…not one fucking cutie for a bitch to flirt with! And a bitch was bored, so my ass would have flirted with a sorta-cutie just for kicks.
To a certain Cheetarah 1980 re: intellegent design…you got what a bitch was trying to say.
ABB’s Holiday Rant…
Maybe it’s the 24/7 holiday music blitz on the radio…or it could be the rapid arctic freeze that has decended on Missouri…but a bitch is beyond bitchy about the holidays! My ass will go out and procure some Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Yule and Christmas cards. This bitch has to cover several bases. There will be another corn casserole and some ham or other pork-like thing to prepare. And wine…and vodka…and cakes, pies and cookies.
Aside from the mass eating yet to come, this fucking holiday shit gets on my nerves.
The music…The Devine One is probably tired of the music by now! Who asked to hear Jingle Bells, anyway? Make it stop!
The shopping…a bitch is broke! A bitch has been broke! There will be no serious shopping regardless of how many e-mails, mailings or solicitations thrown my way. CEASE!
The hypocrites…fucking assholes trying to get on local news by acting human just because something about December makes everyone fear Gawd’s wrath!
Fuck it! This bitch is beyond tired of this shit!
His Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman, and this bitch discussed a possible church activity over corn casserole yumminess this past Thanksgiving. We are hoping to plan some holiday caroling…with bitchitude. The plan is to hook up with an area retirment home and carol for about an hour…then hit the bars for some festive vodka and cran consumption. My Play Husband will have to come up with some music! More details on that to follow…
Anyhoo, a bitch is all about socializing intead of buying this holiday season. Mostly because a bitch is feeling frisky. Well, shit…it’s cold and people look more attractive in layers…or is that just me? Anyhoo, a bitch plans to indulge in some seasonal friskiness, socialization, merriment and bitchitude!
Prepare yourself, St. Louis! A bitch is hitting the town!
See you tonight at Atomic Cowboy…
Monday, November 28, 2005
Jury duty...day one...
8 o’clock in the motherfucking morning! Jesus, a bitch is glad my ass didn’t go to law school! Not that a bitch saw any lawyers there at 8 o’clock in the morning…they may have been there, but this bitch could barely see anything with only one fucking cup of coffee in my system and 2 fake-assed government regulated pseudo-Sudafed.
To top it off, they didn’t start calling numbers for hours…HOURS! A bitch could have slept in.
Finally, they call a bitch…then we sit…someone printed off a ton of pages of something…then we were escorted across the street, up the stairs…where we stood…for fucking ever!
Finally, the door opens and we are called in by number, which confused a bitch because didn’t my ass just give you my number? Shit, my fucking number is on this tacky assed badge you are making a bitch sport so that every criminal in the place knows whom to whack once the verdict gets back!
A bitch sat down and finally a very judicial looking judge began to speak…
…about a criminal trial…
…regarding multiple counts of rape, sodomy and abuse of a child.
Oh, Lawd have mercy!
A bitch didn't land on that jury. Thank Gawd! My ass can say that 'cause a bitch didn't get picked.
Justice...unscripted...can be raw and brutal.
Inhale deep cleansing breath...
Soooo…this bitch gets to go back for round #2 tomorrow morning.
They don’t even have doughnuts or coffee….
...but they do have a smoking lounge...
Ain't that a bitch?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
A bitch had a fantasmic Thanksgiving feast of yummy Turducken, corn casserole, collard greens, cake, pie, cookies and vodka followed by cran! A bitch was so overcome with satiation that my ass passed out and missed a post-Thanksgiving gathering.
Fuck it, a bitch couldn’t move!
Anyhoo, my ass hopes that everyone had a good holiday...unless you are Swedish, in which case you don’t have a Thanksgiving gorge feast…or maybe you do, like a harvest festival of greedy mass consumption. A bitch will have to look it up. Canadians have their own Thanksgiving…this bitch hopes it includes Smarties.
This bitch has jury duty tomorrow. A bitch was so obsessed with the Turducken that my ass totally forgot about it. Being a true believer in the jury system, this bitch shall report for duty promptly at 8am! Posting will be delayed tomorrow!
May Gawd have mercy on the court…
This bitch was going to post about all manner of things, but a report on CNN about evolution versus intelligent design followed by the 60 Minutes report that just went off on the Bush administration's battle against Plan B settled this bitch on the issue of religion and government in America.
Perfect timing, since most of the country just sat down and stuffed ourselves in a traditional festival celebrating the fact that early settlers…fleeing the oppressive politicized religious states of Europe…managed to last through the New Year munching on the corn of native people.
This fucking debate pisses me off more that 24/7 holiday music on the radio! What the fuck has become of us? Are we so cocky…so certain that we know it all...that we would revert into the very society that so disgusted our founders that they fucking hopped on a boat and set off to FUCKING NOWHERE…ANYWHERE…FUCK IT, THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE DIED THAN SPEND ONE MORE FUCKING DAY STRAINING AGAINST THE YOKE OF…
...the Church as government.
Heaven to hell and back again…
Whatever happened to render until Caesar what is Caesar's and until Gawd what is Gawd's?
After listening to the most ridiculous pseudo-intellectual debate on intelligent design my ass has ever fucking heard followed by a fucking gynecologist from
You may want to sit.
It’s not complex, but it seems profound…that could be the vodka and cran at work, but fuck it…
Because it's easier.
It’s easier to live life as a person of faith when you are not allowed by the law to do that which your faith prohibits. And doesn't that make you a person of laws and little faith?
Catch that knee before it jerks. Spiritual law is easily ignored...otherwise priests would be out of work. We're talking the law of governments and humans.
Think about it.
It’s easier not to pick up a baseball bat and bash an asshole over the head.
It’s easier not the fuck your neighbor’s wife…
It’s easier not to have to guide your children down a righteous path…to not have to instruct them at home because you know someone is taking care of that for you…
It’s easier to not add a chair to your dinner table…to not add a cup of water to that caldron of soup and feed your fellow man or woman…
It’s easier to go to church, or mass or whatever…kneel, stand, kneel, stand…drop some money in the bucket and say fuck it…
It’s easier to see the world as a wondrous place of clearly defined laws and everyone working with them so that they can get their just rewards...on earth? Oh, wait...no, no, no...in heaven! Who can remember? Perhaps this is heaven?
Gets muddy real quick...
It is easier.
But it’s not divine…nor sanctified…nor is it a spiritual accomplishment.
What easier is…is lazy. Intellectually, morally and …yes, spiritually lazy.
Render unto Caesar…
That is the labor so many religious activists have taken up. Taxes, law and order, morality, politics, education, medicine, loyalty, trust, adoration and love.
Is there anything left to render unto the Divine One?
...do they pray to Caesar...
or do they even see the difference anymore?
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Now, a bitch just changed my settings to allow anyone to comment. Happy now?
But here are the rules...violators will be punished and you will not enjoy it!
#1...No threats of hanging, lynching, dragging or killing. A bitch's blog is open to bitchitude, not death threats.
#2...A bitch reserved the right to delete ignorant shit and this bitch decides if the shit is ignorant. Wanna act a fool? Get your own blog!
#3...If a bitch feels that my comments have become a reactionary forum for the multitude of conservatives who troll the blogs looking for liberals to freak out on, a bitch will change my settings back.
#4...Feel free to e-mail a bitch if you have something to say but don't feel like commenting...that's why a bitch has e-mail.
A bitch has spoken, so let it be done...
Sex and the church...
This bitch has been feeding on a bitch’s sister’s yummy chocolate chip cookies made with butter…real butter! Yumminess to the second power!
Sex and the Church...
It appears that a certain Catholic Church has hired a new P.R. agency! Shit…it’s like they are doing a re-launch of the brand! Clearly, someone has found a press release template that they really like and isn’t afraid to use it.
For the record…gay priests are banned. Once again, lesbian nuns have benefited from the Church’s tendency to forget and/or ignore women in the church. The best part of the press release was that it leaked information about a document that has yet to be formally presented! Very nice, Pontifical One! Leaking, spinning and positioning…and y’all said that da Vinci stuff was off the mark...
Okay, before all the gay priests who read a bitch’s blog freak out, allow me to calm your fears. If you have been able to…well…overcome your gayness for three years…not two…not four…three years, you can still be a priest. Since overcoming gayness is not defined in the leaked sample of the document that has not been presented but will be presented after several weeks of Pontifical spin, a bitch is unable to supply any tips on how gayness is overcome.
If you are a priest you are supposed to be celibate.
If you are celibate, you aren’t fucking…so this must all come down to who you lust after. But who the fuck can tell you who you are lusting after anyway? So, basically the church is telling gay priests to withhold their gayness…to lie or deny…but lying is a sin…so just stay the fuck away so the church doesn’t have to deal with you! Jesus!
Or maybe it could be that whole masturbation thing. But masturbation is murder...unless you have no seed to waste, so once again women are off the hook as long as they get off without lust, which isn't much fun. Gawd, my head hurts! And how would the church know who is whacking off to what, when and where? Unless those secret spy holes really exist in the monastery. Freaks!
But secret spy holes kinda turn a bitch on…anyway, moving on…freaks! Spying on wanna-be priests whacking off has got to be a sin! Confess.
Well, since lust is wrong and masturbation is murder one would assume that a serious wanna-be gay priest would not participate in either. Which means that the standard for gauging whether a priest is a gay priest would have to be based on his inability to control his…well…natural human reaction to his fellow man.
And shame on you, oh Pontifical One, for looking at your fellow priest's groin areas! SHAME!
It dawns on me that perhaps this doctrine is flawed because the P.R. folks writing it are sexual novices. Not having experienced the joy of freakitude, they are basically unable to anticipate the problems presented in their release...or would that be lack of release...shit, my ass means press release. A bitch thinks they should sample some delights and then re-write the leaked but not yet official document with some specifics on how to not be what you already are…or at least how not to act on it…which they would realize is impossible if they only indulged a bit in some lustitude. Fuck it…there’s got to be tons of sex going on there or sex wouldn’t be such a hot topic…freaks!
All of this is getting a bitch a wee bit hot…which would be a sin…except a bitch isn’t Catholic, but rather a member of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!
As a founding bitch within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks, my ass is going to issue my own press release on all things sexual!
ABB’s doctrine of all things sexual within the faithful…
As we are all made in the Devine One’s image…all are welcome in the church!
That was easy, wasn’t it?
Go forth, get your freak on and spread the gospel…
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Q&A with a bitch...
Sparkle Shortz posted a comment to a bitch’s blog! Fantastmic! A bitch’s LiveJournal fans rarely post to a bitch’s blog. Sadly, a bitch cannot post comments on LiveJournal. Sigh. But a bitch does adore y’all! Greetings and blessings!
Anyhoo, this bitch gets a lot of questions. Some are answered and some…well…a bitch likes to keep her secrets. And others are no secret at all...if you know a bitch...
Q&A with a bitch…
Why don’t you look angry in pictures?
A bitch hates having my picture taken. Most photos of me are taken after a bitch has consumed several vodka crans…oh, and my ass is usually surrounded by UCoB&LDD faithful who, of course, make me smile!
What is soul food?
Break my heart! Honey, a bitch is shocked! Soul food means different things to different people. To a bitch, it’s traditional black southern food that holds it’s roots in the history of the African in America and all the cultures that mixed together below the Mason Dixon line. People get fierce about their soul food…what type of corn bread is correct, grits or no-grits, sugar and butter in the grits or no sugar, smothered or fried, cabbage or greens and the list goes on and on. A bitch has seen people come to blows! But, anyway, bring your ass to St. Louis and a bitch will introduce you to soul food…STL style!
Why do you use black instead of African American?
Note…a bitch resisted falling back on the ‘it’s easier to type’ reply. This bitch went to a school that literally had the entire African Diaspora represented. We had a Black Student’s Organization, but then the African students wanted to break away…followed by the Caribbean students and then the fighting began. So, this bitch learned a lesson in language. A bitch is black…my history is that of the African in America…and my ass uses black because it is a more unifying term. Sometimes a bitch uses brown, because a bitch is a rather nice Hershey brown color most of the time except summer…but anyway, this bitch prefers black because my ass feels that it is a more inclusive term. And it’s easier to type.
What type of vodka do you prefer?
Great question! Loyal readers know that a bitch adores all thing Swedish…it’s the new 'it' country! Absolut is fantasmic and my ass likes their ads too. Being an international black bitch at heart, this bitch also likes Smirnoff for a change. But, when drinking vodka straight…yes, a bitch does indulge now and then in an ice cold shot straight from the freezer…this bitch likes Belvedere and refuses to hear any shit about it!
Okay…that’s enough for now.
Toodles until tomorrow, chil’ren!
That road...the one less traveled by...
Long ago, when a bitch was a wee bitch, my life was an emotional mess. My sister was off to college in Boston. A bitch was proud of her, but also depressed that she would be so far away. Having given little thought to the future, a bitch just thought about making it through each day one day at a time. High school sucked, my social life was non-existent, my brother was living in residential care away from home and my mother was indulging in her third...or was it her fourth…emotional meltdown.
Before she headed off to Boston a bitch’s sister gave this bitch a letter. A college in Great Barrington Massachusetts had sent it to her and she thought a bitch should look at it. We did some research on the college, Simon’s Rock College, and decided that this was my out. We both knew that my ass needed to go away…home wasn’t home anymore and it was time to get to work on my future. So, a bitch sent off an application and tucked hope into my back pocket.
When this bitch was accepted it blew my mind. A wee bitch wasn’t exactly intellectually confident…shocking, but true. Why would they accept me? Simon’s Rock College is a progressive liberal arts school specifically designed for high school aged students who want to skip their remaining years and go straight to college. Was that this bitch?
Yes, it was.
Most of my friends don’t know that a bitch went to college a year early. It wasn’t a huge academic achievement…a bitch had taken a lot of extra hours and had the credits to graduate early. And then there is the wonderkin thing…so why aren’t you a doctor or something? Weren’t people like you supposed to be published at 25 and internationally famous by 30?
Simon’s Rock does boast some famous alums…the Coen brothers and that Move-On guy, Eli Pariser. And a bitch, of course! Ha!
This bitch did one year at Simon’s Rock, but my transfer to a school closer to Boston didn’t dilute the impact going to Simon’s Rock made on my life.
Some young people run away from home…this bitch went to college. My year at The Rock was one of academic exploration, ridiculous rebellion and militant bullshit. And a bitch is thankful for the experience…the refuge and the renewed excitement for life that year gave me.
Of all the gifts my sister has given me, a direct mail piece from Simon’s Rock was the greatest one of all. Oh, and that push…that nudge that was exactly what my ass needed.
Thank you, C-Money, for that gift and the life it has led to.
So, this Thanksgiving a bitch has decided to confess and be thankful.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Body Image - A Philosophical...
My ass went to the circus with my play husband and a crew of fantabulous people. This bitch was disturbed by the circus…sad eyed elephants doing tricks and clowns portraying antiquated stereotypes of Blacks and Asians. Shit, no wonder Cirque is kicking Barnum’s ass. It was fantabulous people watching though. Parents snapping at overly excited chil’ren and chil’ren trying to decide what they wanted to puke three hours later. Oh, and our diversity squad of grown motherfuckers inhaling food and trash talking the clowns! Fantabulous.
Saturday found a black bitch at the Harvard/Yale football game. Rather, my ass was at Ozzie's at Westport Plaza watching The Game with alums from both schools. This bitch did not attend Harvard or Yale, but my ass did mooch from several Harvard dining halls for 4 years…yummy breakfasts. Anyhoo, a bitch was supporting fair Harvard with a bitch’s sister and new friends. My ass had a great chat with a 175-year-old Anthropologist up from Columbia MO. Great guy…we chatted about Romania and the state of American cities. Fuck the game! Well, actually the game got exciting at the end with Harvard pulling out a victory in triple overtime. My ass was busy getting up to speed on the native cultures of Alaska!
A bitch went bra shopping yesterday. Now, this is a major undertaking for this bitch. My ass hates bra shopping. Since breast size is dependent on weight for this bitch my bra sizes have been fluctuating like a motherfucker this year! Add to that…well…a bitch has serious breasts and my bras are for support and fashion not simply fashion. So, rather than being able to just go in and load up or, better yet, buy online my ass had to physically go to a store and try fucking bras on! FUCK!
As usual, this bitch parked at the wrong side of the mall and had to walk amongst the masses to get to the store. A bitch selected three of the usual bra sizes and entered the dressing room on a mission. Thank GAWD bra number two fit, so this bitch was in and out in a flash. Walking back through the mall my ass to note of conversations and interactions…ads and promotions…fashion and fucked up fashion.
The conversation that jumped out at a bitch was one between two emaciated young women outside of Torrid…the plus size vamp store with fantabulous punk wanna be stuff…
Emaciated Youth #1 with a serious attitude in her voice…"Oh my God! I can’t believe they make skirts that large!”
EY #2, following #1’s lead…"I know! It’s disgusting!”
EY #1…"I’d rather be dead!”
EY #2…"Oh God, me too!”
They then turned and walked away…a bitch assumes they had achieved their fill of hated or were moving on to Lane Bryant.
Anyway, while driving home a bitch was troubled by what these young women represent. Body image and weight are the new 'it' topics in America and clearly these young people were feeling the heat.
They were also emaciated, inarticulate, poor posture having, root displaying so my ass knows you ain't been blond for fucking months heifers from West County.
ABB’s Body Image Philosophical…
A bitch really likes my body. Really. There are cures and lumps and scars and various shades of brown. Fuck it…my ass likes it all! My associates from high school would be surprised the hear me say that, since this bitch hated my body back in the day. A size 7 and my ass was unhappy…Jesus, that’s so fucked up!
Anyhoo, with additional pounds and years of living this bitch has learned to love my body. Usually a bitch is pretty positive…except when bloated, but who can blame me.
But if you watch American television you would think a bitch should hate myself. Commercials feature tall and slim women. Plus size commercials are the worst…most of those women aren’t even large! And when the news turns to weight it’s always about disease, health problems and massive drama…oh God, America is soooo fat and those people should be sooo miserable!
Which sends the message that slim equals happy.
Which is bullshit…a bitch knows, because my ass has been both and everything in between.
Being healthy is important. Mental health, physical heath and spiritual balance are all important. But being physically fit doesn’t make you happy. Being plump doesn’t have to make you miserable.
This bitch has been single skinny and a bitch has been single large. My ass got jobs while thin and my ass got jobs while large...yeah, and a bitch lost jobs when thin and lost jobs when plump.
A lover cheated on my thin ass and other people’s lovers have tried to get with my large ass.
Get my drift? Need more?
Jennifer Anniston was left when her ass had 0% body fat. Oprah’s had Stedman through 10 dress sizes.
Get the fuck over this shit!
Being healthy is a good goal and this time of year most people start making plans to get with a program in January. A bitch just wants to extend a dose of reality to all…
Life is short. Live your slice of it loving yourself! Throw your head back and live it, for the love of Gawd!
You better believe this full figured black woman will be living it up like a motherfucker…new bras and all…
Friday, November 18, 2005
Attack of the white girl sassy bob...
My ass was going to post about the fucked up budget cuts that just passed the House of Representatives last night…Medicaid, Food Stamps and Financial Aid…but my blood pressure keeps spiking and this bitch may stroke out!
So, a bitch is going to leave that for the weekend.
Thanks for the gravy recipe! A bitch hates making gravy. There’s so much pressure involved and everyone has serious opinions on what is good and what is nasty! Shit. Anyway, a bitch will give it try!
A bitch has been thinking about black people’s hair today…
A bitch relaxed my hair for years. For all of you unfamiliar with black hair care products…a relaxer is a chemical process that straightens the ‘fro. This bitch, being raised by a black mother of a certain age, had my hair straightened as soon as my ass could walk. It used to be straightened with a hot comb…iron comb heated on the stove then run through my hair. Yeah, lots of fucking fun! At the age of 12 a bitch had my first relaxer.
My last relaxer was two weeks before my ass moved back home from Dallas.
If you relax…relax. If you don’t…don’t. A bitch could give a shit. Just don’t stand in front of my ass at the soul food restaurant and flip your relaxed shit at me! You’re lucky a bitch doesn’t snatch it off your head!
Shit, if a bitch wanted a white girl sassy bob my ass would still have a white girl sassy bob! This ‘fro ain’t a mistake, motherfucker! NOTE: A white girl sassy bob was the ideal when a bitch was in high school.
Now…a bitch understands that some people prefer to straighten their hair. Fine…whatever…go with Gawd. This bitch doesn’t give a shit. Just understand that my natural Afro is not an aggressive political statement against your shit.
Back off with that bullshit!
Obviously, a bitch had an incident at Sweetie Pie's today. This bitch got in line to purchase some smothered pork. The woman in front of me had a full head of super relaxed so it didn’t have a single wave in it hair.
Now, why did Miz Thang turn around and look this bitch up and down then flip her hair…twice! What the fuck?
Get this…she then kept running her hand through her hair…which has always freaked me out. This bitch has this thing about people touching their hair constantly then wanting to shake hands…like my ass knows everything a bitch needs to know about your hair. Anyway, she’s flipping and tossing like this is a porn shoot not a soul food joint!
What the fuck?
This bitch walked back to the office thinking…just wear your shit and be happy, heifer.
…’cause you know my ass is happy as a motherfucker with my AFRO!
UPDATED By Request...Corn Casserole Yumminess...
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees...best of luck if you are in Denver, because a bitch has no idea how you chil'ren bake up there...in all that snow...with bears roaming about!
This and many other yummified recipes can be found at Turdmania at the Eatateria...
ABB's Corn Casserole Yumminess...
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1 can creamed corn
2 eggs, beaten
1 box Jiffy Corn Muffin mix
1 stick butter, melted (or 1/2 c. oil)
1 c. sour cream
1/4 - 1/2 tsp. garlic powder (opt.)
Shredded cheese (opt.)
Mix all ingredients except cheese. Sprinkle shredded cheese on top, if desired. Bake in casserole dish or 9"x13" baking dish for 30 to 45 minutes or until fully cooked in center.Yum!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
ABB's Thanksgiving Holiday Preparations...
The holiday season is an emotional one for many, including this bitch. My ass will get worked up about family shit, stress out about the meal and then dissolve into a gluttonous feeding frenzy that will last until 2006. Gawd, a bitch is predictable!
Anyhoo, a bitch is working on the menu. A bitch’s sister, ever the dynamic one in our family, has ordered a turducken. A bitch had never even heard of such a thing, but apparently they are rather popular. Turkey stuffed with duck and chicken and then stuffing. Who knew? Anyway, this turducken will he arriving today.
The ABB Thanksgiving Holiday Menu…
Turkey breasts just in case the turducken is foul…pun intended
Corn Bread Stuffing just in case the turducken stuffin' is foul
Yummy Corn Casserole
A leafy Green Salad loaded with veggies
Some sort of roll-like things
Gravy…Gawd, my ass hates making gravy
Apple Pie…make from scratch by a bitch’s sister
Sweet Potato Pie…made from scratch by a bitch’s sister
Chocolate Cake…made by a bitch’s sister for our brother Bill
Cookies…because a bitch’s sister lives on cookies and makes them with butter
Okay…on to the beverages!
7-Up for upset tummy
Sam Adam’s Winter Lager (in season and a bitch’s sisters fav.)
Excedrin…’cause family will be involved, which means a headache isn’t far away.
Motrin…just in case we get a visit from you know who…
Claritin…every fucking day, baby!
Sudafed…’cause a bitch’s sister loaded up in NYC!
Benadryl…’cause someone will break out from something…
In honor of the holiday season a bitch must have a few good flicks!
Incident at Oglala - The Leonard Peltier Story…so a bitch can keep this Thanksgiving thang in perspective.
Ordinary People…continuing the Redford directorial theme, so a bitch can induce a good moody cry and get it out of the fucking way.
A Christmas Story…oh come on, this is the best movie EVER! You’ll shoot your fucking eye out! Fantabulous!
The Crucible…Gawd, a bitch just adores those Puritans!
Eyes on the Prize…so a bitch can maintain my militant edge.
Hmmm…that should hold a bitch. Keep in mind, my ass has to get some writing in too.
Let the festivities begin!
Leaving chil'ren behind...
This bitch is still on the topic of parenting. No, my ass isn’t pregnant! Jesus! A bitch knows there was that rumor going on within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks that my ass was expecting the Anti Christ, but let me assure everyone that a bitch was just bloated.
Missouri lawmakers, desperate to tackle the huge issues facing the state, have decided to launch an attack on gays…again. Yep, they are certain that gay Missourians should not be foster parents and that by denying gays the right to foster Missouri chil’ren they will address our mounting healthcare crisis, monumental meth drama, laughable public education system, rising STD crisis, fucked up to hell and back roads, stagnant job market and general Midwestern blahs. Yeah…the top issue in 2006 has just gotta be gays as foster parents!
This bitch is fucking pissed off that, with all the problems facing Missouri, our legislators have decided to waste time and my fucking money waging another war against the Missouri LGBT community. This is such a fucked up wedge issue…but it’s just the kind of wedge your average sanctified Missourian will dive at.
It’s important that people understand the special circumstances in Missouri regarding foster care…
The meth factor…
Missouri is America’s meth factory. We lead the nation in production of meth and it has been devastating Missouri communities for years. Since meth is a hard habit to kick, our social services have been overwhelmed with the number of chil’ren thrown into foster care while their parents try to kick to habit or serve their time. There are entire towns that have the majority of their chil’ren in the system. The meth factor isn’t going away tomorrow, so Missourians will need to brace for a multi-year foster care crisis.
The 'I want a Child from my own womb' factor…
A bitch has a really good friend who adopted her child from the state. She was able to complete the process rather quickly, because she was willing to adopt a child of color (she is white), she’s straight and married and she was willing to adopt a child with special needs. Great kid, by the way. Anyway, her adoption experience is rare in a state that has too few blond and blue-eyed babies eligible for adoption and too many brown on brown babies languishing in foster care.
Now, a bitch understands wanting a child the old fashioned way. My ass understands wanting a child that looks like you and maybe shares some of your ethnic history. Lawd knows this bitch has concerns about brown chil'ren being raised outside of our culture...but then again, my ass has seen it work beautifully...just as long as the childs hair isn't tore up and they learn the value of lotion...well, shit there's more to it than that, but it does take some extra work to raise a child of color when that isn't your history. Anyway...since my family has a history of illness, anxiety, general craziness and what we like to call colorful personalities…well, my ass isn’t exactly running a risk should a bitch adopt.
At any rate, there’s not exactly a run of other people's chil’ren in Missouri.
The fuck this shit, my ass is going to buy some sperm and skip the drama factor…
Many gays and lesbians choose this route. Shit, many straights choose it too. A bitch has several friends who either found a surrogate or found some sperm. They still faced some legal drama to establish dual parental rights, but nothing like the brave individuals who are now taking on the state of Missouri in an attempt to foster or adopt.
All of these factors and many more bleed together across America. One would think, in an anti-abortion state like Missouri, groups would be eager to encourage adoption and foster care. One of the leading reasons women opt not to go the adoption route is the concern that their child will languish in foster care and never find a permanent home. But here, in a state that pontificates about valuing life, there is an organized effort underway to make gay foster care impossible.
A bitch is disgusted, because this effort will deny many chil’ren a loving home.
A bitch is disgusted, because there are so many chil’ren who are being used as a political punching bag by the conservative right…the same conservatives who don’t have any fucking foster kids, have three divorces under their belts and probably kick puppies when no one if looking.
A bitch is disgusted, because our foster care system is in a crisis that will only get worse…so this attack on the LGBT community is beyond insulting in a time when more and more chil’ren enter the system.
And a bitch is disgusted because my state is leaving so many chil’ren behind…all in the name of Gawd.
To find out more about this emerging battle in Missouri & find out what you can do, check out this web site for PROMO.
To find out more about what may be happening in your state, you can start with this web site for HRC.
For information about foster care in Missouri, check this site out.
Get active and be vocal, because no one wins when chil'ren are left behind...
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
To work or not to work...
Someone did another study on mothers staying at home for the chil’ren and how many women are choosing to do so.
The Today Show ran a segment that mentioned the economic reasons mothers stay home, the emotional decision to go back to work post childbirth and the benefits of staying at home.
Now a bitch has a few things to say about this topic. No, my ass doesn’t have chil’ren and no my ass isn’t faced with this issue personally. However, a bitch is fucking tired of this shit!
Every six months or so one of these studies comes out and all the mothers my ass knows freak out or get smug. Some of the studies say staying at home is better for the chil’ren and some say that a child can benefit from daycare. All of them freak parents the fuck out.
A bitch believes strongly that each situation has to be dealt with individually.
For example, my mother stayed at home when we were chil’ren. My brother is the oldest and it was impossible for her to work and take care of a hyperactive autistic child. She volunteered at area organizations and even worked part time, but she didn’t return to the full time scene while we were at home.
Some may say that was a blessing. This bitch has to keep it real…my mother is insane and having her at home being insane wasn’t any fucking blessing!
Now, my ass has friends who had working mothers and they had a great childhood. Some of my friends had stay at home mothers and they had pretty good childhoods too. But it’s a case-by-case deal and there are no guarantees.
All you have to do is look at the typical overscheduled stressed out middle class suburban kid. Jesus, those chil’ren are begging for their mothers to go back to work!
And what ever happened to fathers staying at home? Shit, my ass only knows one and he lives in Sweden!
Oh and the guilt! It’s awful to observe. Several of my friends are working mothers who have literally cried over the decision to put their child in daycare!
For the record, the option of staying at home is fucking new. My ancestors used to crank out a baby and return to the fields the next day…or so my ass has been told. In the history of our country, women have always worked. We have not been paid an equal wage, but we've fucking worked since day one. Staying at home is a job...trust. Women work. The issue here is whether to work outside of the home or not. The notion that entire generations were raised in neglectful homes because of it is bullshit.
Either way, kids did okay or they didn't because of a whole lot of factors.
As the child of a stay at home mother, my ass often wished my mother had returned to work. She was alone and troubled. She poured herself into our lives because we were her everything. And when we matured she resisted that…it was like emotional downsizing. Not all stay at home mothers behave that way. Like my ass said…this is an individual decision.
Families thrive when the individuals that make them up are fulfilled. Chil’ren benefit when their parents are active, engaged and happy. Trust my ass on this shit. So, if working makes you happy and you are able to swing some decent daycare then go with Gawd and fucking work. And if you are more fulfilled at home…stay at home!
This isn’t and should be made into a judgment thing. This bitch sees fucked up kids from both sides of the argument.
Dine Out for Life with a Bitch…
Dining Out for Life is a fundraiser for St. Louis Effort for AIDS. The event…well, actually it’s a lot of events taking place at one time…is November 29.
That’s a Tuesday, people!
Check out this web site for information on who, what, when and where.
Oh, and plan to join this bitch at Atomic Cowboy for dinner! Atomic Cowboy on Manchester (down the street from Freddie’s) is donating 100% of food profits made that night, so prepare to eat people. My ass has sampled a Mexican chicken salad gordita from Atomic Cowboy and it was yummy!
A bitch said FOOD not Drink, so don’t come back at me with some bullshit about how you drank $200 worth of vodka crans and why doesn’t that count!
Anyhoo…save the date and my ass hopes to see you there.
More info. Will be posted closer to November 29th!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Medicare and an encounter with an ancient at Walgreen's...
This morning a bitch went to Walgreen’s to pick up some Sudafed. My sinuses are out of control!
Anyhoo, my ass had to go to the pharmacy because Sudafed is now regulated due to Missouri’s love affair with meth.
At the pharmacy window this bitch got into line behind a 375-year-old woman. She was 3 feet tall, had a rain scarf on and was holding a massive handbag.
375-year-old woman to beleaguered pharmacy tech…”I need someone to explain this new Medicare program to me!”
Pharmacy tech…”M’am, why don’t you take a moment to read this booklet. Then, if you still have questions, you can call this phone number. Or you can go online or you can do both. If you still have questions after that, they will refer you to a town hall meeting. And if you are unable to make up your mind by the need of enrollment Medicare will enroll you in a plan without you consent.”
375-year-old woman after a long pause…”I hate you people. I really hate you! There’s a special place in HELL for all of you!”
And with that she turned and walked out.
Happy Medicare prescription drug benefit enrollment period, chil’ren!
2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 2 Sudafed (the real shit, thank Gawd), 1 Claritin and cigs…
So, my ass jumped around from the Today Show and CNN today. The news was lame. But one quote from Scooter jumped out at a bitch and made my fucking head hurt.
“Only one person manipulated evidence and mislead the world…and that person was Saddam Hussein!”
“Only one person manipulated evidence and mislead the world…and that person was Saddam Hussein!”
Well shit. Isn’t that what it all comes down to? Isn’t that the great unanswered question we have all been dancing around?
Why did Saddam allow the world to think he had WMD if he didn’t?
Well, a bitch has a theory on this.
ABB's Theorization on Why Saddam Tried to Fake out the World Regarding Iraqi WMD...
So, Saddam was faced with a serious problem. If he allows inspectors to really inspect Iraq for WMD he would be exposed to his enemies as a no-WMD having soft target. If he refuses to let inspectors do their job, he runs the risk of actually being invaded for a weapons program he’s only fronting about.
A bitch understands this logic. It’s not as if Iraq was enemy free in the region. Being a military threat was both an internal and external asset to Iraq…it kept feuding cultures from acting out within and it kept Iran from stepping up to the border again. Pretending to have a large quantity of WMD was not a bad political move. And ahving peopel think he had the bomb? Really helpful!
Basically, Saddam played a game of chicken. He was betting on a couple of things that didn’t fall into place. One was that the United States, already invested in a military action in Afghanistan, would not aggress against Iraq alone. And they weren't going to get international help without solid proof of WMD. Shit, that’s what everyone was looking for and we all know you can’t find what isn’t there! Another was that the world community would see deposing him as a destabilizing event rather than an opportunity to spread freedom in the region. Fuck it, if every freedom denying country in the region got invaded the entire region would be at war!
So, he rolled the dice and lost. Iraq refused to prove that they no longer had WMD hoping that the world would back off because they clearly didn’t. America presented false evidence to the world because they really wanted to invade Iraq and, fuck it; he probably did have WMD…so what if we can’t prove it? The world, for the most part, balked. America said fuck you, we’re going anyway. Iraq, no longer the military power, folded and Saddam was exposed for not having the WMD he let everyone believe he had.
This entire mess…this costly endeavor…this fucking war…for what?
Over a fucking game of international chicken!
No wonder Scooter is pissed. His lie wouldn’t have been a lie if Saddam hadn’t led him to believe a lie that Scooter never bothered to prove with the truth because he was so sure Saddam wasn’t lying!
Jesus...this man's logic makes my head hurt...
Monday, November 14, 2005
Liberté , Egalité, Fraternité…
When observing the current unrest this bitch can only see it through American eyes.
And it looks rather familiar…
Unrest is like a forest fire. Kindling that is left unattended and neglected catches fire and devastates. Usually, the kindling is ignored as the culprit. The idiot who throws a burning cigarette but out their car window or lightening is blamed and the opportunity to explore why the forest fire was so fierce is lost. So, kindling piles up again and it’s only a matter of time before another huge forest fire breaks out.
In 1917, East St. Louis had a riot. In 1919, the Chicago Race Riot broke out after a black teen drowned while swimming off of a white only beach. America has had lots of riots over the years…Detroit, Boston, Chicago again and Los Angeles again and again. All of them got lots of press…hell, all of them made the fucking front page.
And America has a long history of ignoring the kindling and blaming the point of origin. As a result, we have missed opportunity after opportunity to examine the role of race and class in our society.
And what of our sister, France...who taught us liberty, equality and brotherhood...what of France? France staggers as their neglected kindling catches fire. There is anger over what many perceive as an ungrateful immigrant population and there is anger over the lack of equality and opportunity presented to some French citizens in a land made famous for offering both to all of her citizens.
And will this unrest be just another footnote in French history...another opportunity missed? Will she turn her back and let the kindling pile up again?
A bitch sees the recent violence in France through American eyes.
Liberté , Egalité, Fraternité…oh glorious, fantastical dream…
A bitch's watch...
My brother in vodka, AbsolutBilly, sent pictures from the fantabulous Fern's soup + vodka party. A bitch hung out with that rather Algonquin crowd Saturday night...
Here's a picture of Brother Rob and this bitch...sporting a bitch's watch!
Repositioning the repositioned...
Let’s just jump right in and have a party, shall we?
The Great Repositioning of an Already Repositioned War…
A bitch watched the Sunday chats with eager glee. The RNC stepped forward to reposition Scooter’s repositioned position points on the case for the Iraq War.
My Gawd, it’s almost like they are trying to rewrite history…again…
Everyone thought Iraq had the juice…
The whole world was in agreement…
You can’t rewrite history, only we can…
Saddam was a very bad man…
September 11, 9/11, oh did we mention 911…
A bitch has to hand it to them, these fuckers stayed on message about their new message, which was a revision of their previous message and is in response to a critique of the original case for war that, according to them, is an attempt to rewrite the history that they have already rewritten and plan to rewrite again and again and again until the critics cry Uncle.
Anyway, they spun that shit all fucking day. It must have been exhausting.
Now, just to add more fuel to a bitch’s Nixon connection…Scooter is headed to Mongolia! Anticipate more sharp attacks from Scooter as he makes his way through Asia.
My ass couldn’t make this shit up…
Friday, November 11, 2005
Have you lost your fucking mind...?
Now, my ass has heard a lot of people link Scooter to Nixon…some of the conclusions are weird and some of them are valid. However, Scooter and Nixon do share one thing…they both lost their fucking minds while President.
Nixon was confronted by a nationwide student strike in response to the Kent State and Jackson State murders (student’s were shot and killed while conducting peaceful protests to the Vietnam War). Nixon freaked out when students came to Washington D.C. to bring their protest to the front door of his presidency. Rather than approach these student protests with an understanding that young people were pissed off, disgusted with a war that involved the draft and generally questioning his presidency Nixon saw the protests as evidence of communist infiltration of American college campuses.
That was insane…and by acting on that insanity Nixon dived head first into the paranoid actions that eventually led to the fall of his administration.
Scooter is manifesting much of the same insane behavior. For example, he's been saying stuff like...
The rest of the world thought Iraq had WMD too.
Honey, the rest of the world knew Iraq had WMD in the 1990’s. The rest of the world thought it was a good idea to find out what happened to that WMD. The rest of the world got frustrated when Iraq didn’t explain what happened to it and wouldn’t let the United Nations look for it. But the rest of the world didn’t take that giant fucking leap from frustration and concern to...well…full on military assault. Which is why the rest of the world is watching us sink knee deep into the Iraq conflict…from their fucking living rooms.
Note to Scooter…this aint a World War, honey.
Unpatriotic folks are trying to say the administration deliberately misled Congress and the nation about the intelligence on WMD.
Hmmm. Colin Powell’s presentation to the United Nations to make the case for war has been proven to be…well…misleading. Colin feels mislead…the Untied Nations feels mislead…we all feel mislead.
Note to Scooter… why don’t you feel mislead? The WMD wasn’t there, the nuclear capability wasn’t there…why aren’t you pissed off? Your lack of anger is why most of us think you were in on it. Come one admit it, between us kids...you did mislead Congress and the American people, didn't you...you dirty fucking lying ignorant war loving piece of shit!
Attacks on the President and this war send the wrong message to our troops and to our enemies.
Listen, motherfucker, and my ass means listen up! A bitch has been sending THE RIGHT message to our troops – we want them home. The right message to send to the troops is that they can trust their government, depend on their leaders and know that they will be called to serve in just causes. Got that? That’s the right message.
The wrong message is for our troops to think that our entire nation is in support of their never-ending involvement in a conflict built on a foundation of lies, greed and arrogance. The wrong message is to tell our troops that we don’t care what they risk their life for…that we are preparing to sit down in a couple of weeks, eat our fucking turkey and shout out a drunken toast to our fallen soldiers before falling head first in a vat of sweet potato pie and passing out.
As for our enemies...they must be pretty scared of us huh…our no intelligence gathering, unable to protect our borders, dysfunctional during a natural disaster, debt ridden maniacal Christian intelligent design supporting selves! Oh yeah, got them running scared! Fucking up this war and making up the cause for war has done more to embolden our enemies than any Democratic position piece ever could…asshole.
A panel found that there was no misleading...
And as for the bipartisan committee that found no sexing up of the intelligence used to justify the Iraq War? Fuck you for trying to hide behind a panel that never looked into the aggressive multi-front assault in which the administration used that intelligence and molded it to justify war. That dawg don’t hunt!
Of all the speeches to make today this wasn’t it. You’ve alienated your base, embarrassed our nation, facilitated historical debt and gotten us into a war without a mission.
By the fucking way, what the fuck is our mission in Iraq? If a bitch listens to John McCain our mission is to finish the job…whatever that is. McCain is saying that our “job” in Iraq has nothing to do with getting Iraqi security forces up to the mark. If a bitch listens to the administration our mission is to stay the course and stand down only when Iraqis stand up. And if my ass rewinds to 2003, our mission was to secure democracy, stabilize the region and fight the terrorists on their own turf.
What the fuck are we trying to accomplish? And why the hell are you still trying to defend the cause for war when we don’t even know why we are fighting anymore…and doesn’t that point to a fucked up cause in the first place?
Lawd have mercy…
By request…a bitch’s world at a glance…
A bitch sometimes gets so caught up in worry that all my ass wants to do is curl up and close it all out.
And then this bitch gets up, drinks my coffee and takes on the world. Thank GAWD for bitchfirmations!
A bitch’s brother Bill is…well, he’s Bill. He’s autistic, frenzied, irritable because of recent changes and forever searching for French fries. My ass wakes up everyday amazed at the man my brother is. He’s complex, loving, moody and temperamental. We are still searching for a volunteer placement…hopefully we’ll have him set up by the end of the year. He’s an amazing worker and my ass knows that some non-profit will benefit from his obsessive cleanliness and adoration or order!
A bitch’s sister is, as always, my rock. My ass has never understood folks who aren’t close to their siblings…my sister is beyond a friend and a bitch is blessed to have her. Yeah…my sister is amazing (don’t let that get to your head, C-Money!).
A bitch is struggling with my mentor relationship. My mentee is doing poorly in school and she has been involved in several fights that have resulted in suspension. Her world is unstable and my ass hasn’t found a way to show her the unlimited potential this bitch sees in her. A bitch can’t change her world…that she is poor, that her mother is depressed and apathetic towards life, that she lives in a violent neighborhood and that she attends an under funded school. What my ass can do is stick…like glue. My prayer to the Devine One is that a bitch be granted endurance…and the right words at the right time.
As we move into the holiday season a bitch’s family is preparing to feast. The holidays are hard, because they remind me of who isn’t there and why. But my ass celebrates this year…we are making it and we have a lot to be thankful for!
So, that’s a bitch’s life at a glance. Not much else, except my ongoing work on my book. A bitch is putting together a selection of essays…it’s moving fast, because my ass has a lot of pent up bitchitude to get out!
Anyway, this bitch is optimistic in spite of all of my worries.
My ass believes still believes in a place called hope…
The courage to walk away...
Okay, its Friday and this bitch will be posting up a storm.
2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, bran with raisin, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…
Death by Medicaid…
A bitch is trying to come to terms with the fact that Missouri’s Governor gave a Medicaid transportation contract to some company in Georgia, folks have been left stranded and now a man may have died because no one came to pick him up. Death by Medicaid…or murdered by the state of Missouri? Jesus to Gawd, it makes me want to fucking throw up!
The courage to walk away...
On this Veteran’s Day a bitch would like to discuss the courage it takes to walk away when your ass knows you can't do the job. This bitch has had to do it...a bitch walked away from many a relationship when my ass realized my involvement wasn't helping matters. It takes courage to walk away...sometimes more courage than it takes to stay.
My ass grew up with two parents who came of age during the Vietnam War. My father never fought in Vietnam, but many of his friends did. My mother had been engaged to a small town boy, but broke off her engagement when he shipped off to Vietnam…she, like many young women, didn’t want to bury a fiancé. She married my father and her former fiancé made it back home…lives forever changed by a war so far away.
Which brings me to that courage thing, walking away and LBJ. This bitch has long been fascinated by the two faces of President Johnson. LBJ is both lauded for his civil rights record in the 1960’s and hated for his escalation despite clear evidence of defeat in Vietnam.
In this time of war and on this Veteran’s day, a bitch is thinking about LBJ and his address to the nation March 31, 1968. He gave a long speech that included plans to reduce hostilities and reengage in peace talks with then North Vietnam. Halfway through the speech, which you can read here, LBJ seems to be wrapping up a political package…like he’s drafting a status memo to the new guy who’s talking over his cube and his job.
He finishes his speech with…
“With America's sons in the fields far away, with America's future under challenge right here at home, with our hopes and the world's hopes for peace in the balance every day, I do not believe that I should devote an hour or a day of my time to any personal partisan causes or to any duties other than the awesome duties of this office--the Presidency of your country.
Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President.
But let men everywhere know, however, that a strong, a confident, and a vigilant America stands ready tonight to seek an honorable peace--and stands ready tonight to defend an honored cause--whatever the price, whatever the burden, whatever the sacrifice that duty may require.
Thank you for listening.
Good night and God bless all of you.”
He was still holding to the hope that Vietnam could end with honor, that our nation’s youth had not been sent to die for nothing and that we all could escape from the vat of quicksand that was the Vietnam War, clean ourselves off and have an amazing story to tell.
Most people latch on to that theme…a bitch is more moved by his other words. To me, LBJ knew the war had to end and he knew he couldn’t end it.
Courage takes many forms. Battlefields are not limited to distant lands. And sometimes the honorable thing to do is step down and let someone else take the lead…
To our vets…thank you…
A bitch prays for the day when we study war no more...
Thursday, November 10, 2005
This bitch has posted before about my health scare a few years back. Since it ended a cycle of invisibility that my ass had sunk into it was a good thing. This bitch can say that now, because of the distance of time.
But while my ass was dealing with issues…down there…it was a never-ending drama!
Calm down, boys! Bitches around the world need to know that they are not alone. If you aren’t a woman, just imagine an ongoing testicular issue…that’s internal and in need of probing, scraping and constant examining.
A bitch has fibroids. They are these nasty uteran tumors that grow and then dissolve and then grow again. They cause extremely heavy periods that last FOR FUCKING WEEKS, cramps that make you call out to the Devine One for relief and general drama.
This bitch discovered my fibroids when my ass rolled over and felt one of them in my lower belly. After freaking the fuck out and imagining the worst, my ass went to Planned Parenthood…oh yeah, they do lots of stuff at the Phood and they were wonderful to this bitch.
On a referral, this bitch found the most wonderful doctor in Dallas Texas. It’s a good thing that she was so good, because we got to know each other real well over the following year.
A bitch hated the stirrups, that fucking flesh separator that isn’t any more comforting heated up and the whole process of having anything dive in down there without passion. It fucking sucks…but being in pain sucks more.
My ass went on some serious hormones to reduce my fibroids…they didn’t work. A bitch endured monthly sonograms…not so bad, but nothing to throw a party about. And finally, after 6 months, my doctor looked at me and pronounced that Enid (my fibroids collective name) had to die...and she would wield the blade that killed her!
Well, the pills continued, my skin broke out in hives, my stomach was extended like my ass was pregnant with a fucking alien fetus and bitchy?…oh my ass was beyond bitchy!
My surgery was scheduled over Thanksgiving. A bitch doesn’t remember the event, but the murder of Enid was a trying time for a bitch’s sister. Post surgery, my ass soared for hours on morphine and other assorted meds…fantabulous.
Well, after my mother…who is an asshole…threw a fit over something trivial and exited the hospital room like some sort of diva on Dynasty, this bitch had one more night of morphine based dreaminess then was released.
Basically, none of this shit was cool. A patient has to be aggressive, demand answers and never shy from kicking a gynecologist to the curb should they fail to click.
Go for your yearly exam…ask about those pesky little problems and be aggressive! It will be a fucking drama…get over it, cry when you need to and stay in the game!
Ain’t a drama been created that a woman can’t survive!
Be well my sistahs…
Someone, somewhere is tired of his shit...!
A bitch may need to put my Swedish lessons on hold and pick up some French…my ass has no idea what some of the French language bloggers are saying, but it looks like they have a lot to say…in French. Shit, that’s what my ass gets for taking 5 years of Latin.
Someone, somewhere is tired of his shit...!
A bitch has always looked at other countries like the grass is beyond green over there. One of the benefits to this recent violence in France has been that idiots like me get a sharp dose of reality regarding foreign countries. It reminds me of a birthday card someone sent me. It had a really cute half naked dude on the cover and inside it read…’someone, somewhere is tired of his shit’. Cracked my ass up. It’s true…ain’t no one perfect…and the same thing applies to countries too.
As Miz Maven pointed out in her comment to yesterday’s post, we Americans are pretty ignorant when it comes to our neighbor to the north. Oh, my ass has visited and munched on Smarties while inhaling Tim Horton coffee like it was going out of bitness…it’s not the same as really keeping up with a country’s goings on.
Shit, a bitch visited France and thought they were pretty down with brown people, but just because a country embraces Josephine Baker doesn’t mean they have their shit together.
But, my ass digresses.
A bitch always thinks of countries in terms of their brown factor...do they have people of color and if so how do they treat them. It’s not that they have to have a significant brown population, but a bitch likes to know how a country’s citizens feel towards brown people in general. It helps my ass avoid getting killed or ending up a Dateline Survival Story.
Don’t get offended…my ass does it here in America too. Shit, a bitch still has an ABB Boycott against the rural South that holds its origins in an era my ass didn’t even live through! Just when my ass is about to revise my opinion some dumb ass racist torches a black church or drags a black man to death and this bitch reverts to avoidance. Natalee Halloway’s mom is boycotting Aruba…a bitch is boycotting rural Alabama. For the same fucking reason…innocent people disappear and/or get killed there and no one seems to want to find out why.
Oh, but my ass digresses again.
A bitch’s favorite Canadian brown person is Grant Furh. This bitch grew up addicted to hockey (go Blues! Seriously…fucking get going, chil’ren and stop shaming a bitch!). There are not a lot of brown hockey players, but there was Grant Furh…who fucking rocked! And he’s Canadian. But that doesn’t tell me much about race relations in Canada…nor does a bitch know much about Grant Furh’s personal experience as a person of color in Canada. All it tells me is that his ass played hockey, was good at it, is brown and is Canadian.
This bitch is pretty sure Canada has its problems and its high points too. My ass could move there, indulge in massive Smartie consumption and get healthcare. A bitch could work at a Canadian newspaper, bitch about Canadian television, blog about the government and so forth and so on. This bitch could move a bitch’s sister and brother to Canada too. My ass would miss soul food, gooey butter cake, familiar accents and all things American.
But the grass is never as green once you hop over that fence. Which is what Americans are seeing as we view France through new lenses…and see poverty, immigration problems, police intimidation, segregation and cultural conflict. We see it in Aruba, where an Alabama mother reverts to an ugly American stereotype because Aruba has the audacity to have a different legal system and isn’t kissing her ass because her child is an American missing child.
And we see it in our treatment of our neighbors to the north…our amused indifference and ethnocentric superiority.
It would seem that the greatest insult we Americans pay to our neighbors to the north is that we assume they are the 51st state. We act like the only difference is the accents, the geography and network programming. We assume that Canadians are just stubborn…once they submit they will embrace America and become one of us. What we fail to see is that Canada is diverse and independent. Canada has problems, conflicts, holidays and their own favorite beverages.
It’s been a long time since America stepped to Canada in war and that’s probably the problem. We tend to only learn about a nation’s culture when we try to dominate, exploit or destroy it.
Someone, somewhere is most likely tired of Canada’s shit. But a bitch will probably always have a crush on Canada…the grass will always seems greener and the people will always seem more happy.
The next time my ass visits a bitch promises not to mouth off about Quebec or polar bears...
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
A second chance at love...
This bitch was pleased to hear that Jane Bogetto won her race for the 94th House seat in Missouri! My ass did some phone banking for her campaign, so a bitch wanted to see my efforts pay off. Her opponent had used gay and lesbian equality as a wedge issue, which had paid off in the past here in Missouri, but Ms. Bogetto pulled off a victory. More importantly, Bogetto didn’t distance herself from equality when it was used to attack her…that’s a victory for us all. Congrats to Ms. Bogetto, the residents of the 94th and everyone who worked so hard on her campaign!
Democrats put on their party hats last night with political victories in Virginia and New Jersey, where they won both governor seats.
Shit, a bitch forgot what it was like to face a political battle and wake up with a happy hangover!
Conservatives hit the spin hard as a motherfucker this morning, trying to frame these losses as par for the course. This bitch is impressed with the spin machine, but the spin don’t hold water. Scooter personally called for voters to support the republican candidate in Virginia…you put your name behind it, honey, and you own it. Didn’t y’all learn anything from the Iraq war debacle?
Anyhoo, we liberals can indulge in one more hour of celebration then we need to put our thinking caps on, because these 'anything but Bush' victories will not hold in 2006.
Its time to build a platform, chil’ren!
A second chance at love…
A bitch ended my most serious love affair because neither one of us wanted to fight for it. We shifted apart, our friendship became superficial and one day we both woke up and were no longer mates. My ass regrets not having a serious conversation when things were going sour, but a bitch has learned from love lost.
That’s why this bitch is having a serious relationship conversation with my governmental mate…the United States Government!
Dear Federal baby doll,
We need to talk.
A bitch isn’t happy. My ass isn’t getting what a bitch needs out of this relationship. No, let me finish then you can go away and think…you’ve said enough already and you havn't been making sense.
A bitch has watched us come together against common enemies, which is good. But no relationship is solid if it is built only on unity against adversity. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Our relationship has been shaky. We stopped talking for a spell and the passion has been lacking for quite some time. But when my ass looks back at our history, at our relationship, a bitch sees the promise of a better future.
Through thick and thin, feast and famine, happiness and sorrow, victory and defeat...you are my governmental mate.
And a bitch ain’t getting a divorce anytime soon. Wife or widow, honey…and my ass ain’t dying!
So, now what? How do we repair the damage, learn from our mistakes and bring that spark back into our political marriage?
Usually, a bitch spices relationships up by getting naked grabbing a bucket of chicken and a bottle of bubbly…but that’s not going to fly is it?
Honey, a bitch has needs!
A bitch needs some fiscal responsibility. If you expect me to be wise with money then you have to be too.
A bitch needs security…the social kind. My ass needs to know that you will be there for me when my ass is old and gray…that you won’t just leave me to wither and suffer! You current plan is shaky, but it can be fixed…will you do that for me? Will you turn that promise into a real nest egg?
A bitch needs to know that our chil’ren will be able to read and write and add shit up. My ass can take care of the spirituality, but a bitch needs a partner in this education game. This bitch can’t continue to tell the chil’ren to read only to have you refuse to pay for the books! Honey, we have the money! Can we please come to an agreement here? Do you really need another bridge to nowhere? Another endless ego driven war? Is this some kind of midlife crisis?
No, don’t answer that! Let me finish.
Baby doll, this bitch knows that my ass needs to contribute to the family budget. But, it’s insulting when you run off and spend tons of money on wars and such then turn around and bitch because my ass wants to fund a fucking environmental improvement project! My needs are valid and, had we discussed this war honestly, my ass thinks you would have reconsidered. Now, my brother needs some help with his Medicaid and you’ve blown our surplus!
Oh, and your brother...the state of Missouri...why do you keep supporting him when you know he's got problems? He needs to go for financial counseling...and end that sick relationship he's in with that 'ho, Ms. Special Interests! Stop feeding his ego and keep it real...you can start be setting a good example.
Is that any way to provide for our family?
Let’s make a promise to each other…honesty, trust and unity going forward.
Oh, and no splurging on tax cuts when we need a new domestic policy roof on this house!
Well, my ass is so glad we had this talk. A bitch adores you and hopes that this will be a new page in our relationship.
A bitch believes in commitment…otherwise my ass would have had an affair with Canada a long time ago…
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
2 cups coffee, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…
A certain loyal reader sent a bitch an e-mail asking why my ass hasn’t weighed in on the riots in France. Well, a bitch doesn’t weigh in on anything without doing my research. This bitch will say that this turmoil is surprising, since France has done a good job projecting an image of internal peace and Frenchness. My ass is also fascinated because the media seems to be having a wee little breakdown on how to cover these riots. CNN has bounced back and forth between announcing another French Revolution and proclaiming that young Muslim youth have taken to the streets in a revival of West Side Story.
Either way, this bitch is still in observation mode. My ass learned to move with caution on such topics when this bitch mouthed off about Quebec succession several years back and incurred the wrath…and a rather detailed history lesson…of a certain Canadian friend.
Anyhoo, that’s why a bitch hasn’t weighed in. You’ll be the first to know if my ass moves from observation mode to bitchitude on the topic…
This bitch is trying to get excited about election day. My life has been so fucking chaotic…and a bitch doesn’t adjust well to chaos…that this election snuck up on me. Shit, a bitch didn’t even realize it was coming up until my ass received several e-mails requesting volunteers to get out the vote. Well, today is the big day and political strategists are watching to see if Scooter has coat tails or if his ass has gone lame early in the second term game.
Missouri has a few ballot initiatives going and some important races in districts my ass can't vote in, but all eyes are on the Virginia and New Jersey governor races. Republicans and Democrats took off the gloves and proceeded to beat the living shit out of each other. Advertising has included references to candidate’s infidelity and attacks against candidate’s religious views. A whole lot of people have spent a ton of money to tear each other to pieces.
So, now what?
Oh yeah…go forth and vote oh weary citizen!
A bitch is concerned. Who the fuck are these candidates anyway? And what do they stand for?
If this is a taste of what we have to look forward to in 2006 my ass is seriously concerned!
My ass has decided that this is all a matter of really bad advertising and a product from hell!
ABB’s Political Advertising Critique…
Basically, both political parties need new advertising agencies. You both have been marketed wrong! But republicans are really suffering…they just haven’t faced the music because dems aren’t in a position to challenge them.
See, if a republican political ad were like a burger commercial…
“Our competitor doesn’t make burgers! No, he says he makes burgers but in reality he makes SANDWICHES. And we all know who eats sandwiches…TERRORISTS! That’s right. Do you want to eat like a terrorist? No!
So come on by Republican Burgers R Us and eat like a real American!”
Now, that kind of spin may work in the short hall. But, if your burgers are nasty as a motherfucker people will simply stop coming. Shit, how many nasty burgers must a person eat to be a loyal American? They may not head over to the Liberal Sandwich Shoppe, but that doesn’t mean they won’t go home and skip eating out altogether!
In response to the quick burn out of the Terrorist Love Sandwiches campaign, y’all introduced a new angle…Jesus eats Burgers! And it worked pretty well in 2004. People who had stopped eating at Republican Burgers R Us were drawn back in by the opportunity to eat like Jesus!
But how long will that shit last?
Really…when a Jesus Burger costs 10 trillion dollars? Who can afford to eat like the Savior these days?
So, now y’all are back to your 1991 campaign…Eat at Republican Burger’s R Us because Liberal Sandwiches Suck! Which is stupid, because the only way a person can really know if you are better is by trying the Liberal Sandwich Shoppe!
Y’all have lucked out, because the Liberal Sandwich Shoppe has fucked up on their customer service for a few years. Folks have visited and been told that the Shoppe thought about selling burgers only until they decided to not sell burgers but they never supported burgers...just the right for the other sotre to explore burgers and come back with more information...but the data on burgers was flawed so now they are back to selling sandwiches.
But what happens if they rehab their customer service and launch the Republican Burgers Are Foul and We Have Our Act Together Now campaign? Consumers, sick to death of your rancid burgers and hungry as hell, may just give them a try. Word will spread and y’all will be sitting on the curb babbling incohernatly about the good ole days and how you should have made every customer sign a contract with America to eat burgers for life.
Yep, y’all need a new campaign and a new product.
How about some Fiscal Responsibility Fries and a Financially Sound Social Security Milk Shakes?
Oh, whatever...this bitch may just go Vegan...
Monday, November 07, 2005
In a bitch's name...
A bitch has been denied and my ass is, therefore, full of extreme bitchitude!
2 cups coffee followed by Splenda and 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…
A bitch had a busy weekend. My ass attended the St. Louis HRC Gala Saturday. Hats off to the organizers for securing the fantabulous Jennifer Holliday, who graced us with her amazing voice and sincere charm.
Oh, and the yummy chocolate desert was a serious plus. Seriously.
Suffice it to say a bitch stumbled into bed and slept like the dead.
A bitch spent yesterday working on my book. It seems to be developing into a work about values and bitchitude. But don’t quote my ass on that, because Lawd only knows what it will end up being about.
A bitch’s mind is always twisting and changing.
This bitch has been trying to narrow down what to write about today. Since he’s been on my mind, my ass is going to write about my father.
My father died in 1998. He had a heart attacked and died in Chicago. It was sudden and, despite the fact that all the men on his side of the family died of some sort of heart related drama before the age of 65, unexpected. He was only 58 and was so…alive.
And then he wasn’t.
It feels like yesterday. A bitch thinks of him daily. This weekend my ass thought of him more because it would have been his birthday. He would have had cake and grumbled about getting gas from too much ice cream. We would have laughed.
My father was in the United States Airforce. He was a mechanic and he carried that hobby throughout his life. He left the Airforce, went to college on the G. I. Bill and proceeded to build our crazy assed family.
When a bitch heard about the possible torture of prisoners at Gitmo and in Iraq my stomach literally turned. This is my country and what is done in its name is done in my name.
And this bitch doesn’t operate like that.
When a bitch read today that soldiers are being charged with more abuse it again made me feel ill. Scooter’s pronouncement that 'we do not torture' sat on my computer screen like a stinking turd on ice…right below the breaking news announcement that American soldiers have been arrested.
But when a bitch looked at my calendar a few minutes ago and saw that Friday is Veteran’s Day…well…my ass just wanted to cry.
My father served this country and would have died for it. His youthful civil right’s protests were in defense of what America should be. He raise his chil’ren to expect and fight for what America can be.
My Grandfather served this nation during WWII. He traveled to Mississippi from California in 1942 to see his new child…my mother. He risked his life doing so, because a black man in uniform was asking for trouble back then. A bitch will always be amazed that my Grandfather was so proud to fight for a nation that would not grant him equal rights or respect.
Somehow this news being delivered today is even more foul. It’s as if the stench of this behavior…this torture and abuse…threatens to cling to the memory of our veterans.
What is done in America’s name is done in our name.
What is done in uniform is done in our veteran’s names as well.
Is this how we honor their sacrifice? Is this pathetic inhumane bullshit what we have resulted to doing in the name of freedom?
And there it is again…that question burning into my eyes.
Do we torture?
As my father might say, you’re already half way to fucked when you find yourself asking questions like that…
Friday, November 04, 2005
A bitch will be spending this weekend working on my book.
This shit ain’t easy, but it is coming together.
Long time readers will know that a bitch indulges in bitchfirmations whenever my ass needs a push.
It’s been a while since my ass posted some…
When faced with change…
Shit, bitch; do you know who you are? You are the shit. You are a strong black woman and you can handle this! Just because Brother Rob is no longer around doesn’t mean your whole world is going to be a vivid bore! Whatever, bitch. Adjust! You got this shit handled…
When faced with a strong craving for deep fried chicken…
Bitch, you know that shit is a sometimes food! Have you lost your motherfucking mind? You better drive on by and save that shit for the weekend. You used the PMS excuse last week! Mmmmhmmm…get your ass a sandwich!
When faced with confrontation…
Bitch, you know damned well that those heifers are the ones that should be worried. Are you in the right? Okay. Do you have your facts straight? All right then! Shut the fuck up, put some lipstick on and tell it like it is!
And last but not least…
Everyday when my ass gets ready to walk out the door…
Oh shit! Look at you! Mmmmhmmm…you know your ass is bad. Behold the woman you have become. Go forth and discover the woman you have yet to be…you sexy diva bitch!
Yep…works every time…
Have a great weekend, chil’ren!
A Learned Judge…
Well, the comments were certainly interesting and lengthy. Folks clearly gave a great deal of thought to their take on a bitch’s reaction to Alito’s nomination. My ass was struck by one particular exchange over my wish to have regular folks be nominated to the Supreme Court.
Basically, the writer put forth the argument that society benefits from having seasoned and “learned” folks in positions of power. A bitch read on and this certain individual felt that regular bitches, like the ABB, would be eaten alive by the great minds of the current Justices.
A bitch wasn’t insulted that this writer assumed that this bitch wasn’t a “learned” individual…loyal readers will know that a bitch’s ego doesn’t bruise easily.
Okay…a bitch has to admit that high handed attacks on my intellectual skills do rub me wrong, but only because my ass is still paying off a HUGE balance for that $120,000 gilded assed college education scored years ago outside of Boston. Shit…who wouldn’t be a wee bit sensitive? They are bleeding a bitch dry!
Anyhoo, what a bitch was disturbed by was the assertion that only the learned are fit to lead or judge. Having walked the hallowed halls of an elite educational institution, this bitch has seen more than my share of lofty intellectuals holding on for dear life to those ivy covered walls out of a fear of the unwashed masses seeking power.
This is the Constitution of the United States of America. It is a document drafted by ordinary men who had risen to accomplish extraordinary things. The Constitution, in its original form, was flawed. That was fine, because the folks that wrote it never intended it to be bronze and put on a display behind bulletproof glass.
A bitch met a wonderful man while attending my lofty college in New England. He was almost 90 years old and was a preacher at a small historically black church in the Berkshires. We sat and chatted while the autumn leaves fell like a soft rain around us. He talked about his struggle with illiteracy and how he finally learned to read at the age of 65. It was, he said, his greatest achievement next to accepting God’s love into his heart.
A bitch was amazed to learn that he learned how to read by using the Constitution.
When my ass asked him why, he said…"Because everyone should be able to read and understand the Constitution of the United States.”
A bitch pressed him…"Why not the bible?”
And he answered…"You can know and love God and not know how to read a single word of the bible. I moved onto the bible after I got that Constitution down right!”
“How did you preach without knowing how to read?”
“Child, the word of God is a living thing and we used to speak it far more than read it. We shouted it during the good times and chanted it during the darkest days.”
This bitch later learned that this man had basically memorized the New Testament. Being a bitch, of course my ass tested him and damn me to hell if he didn’t have the darn thing down!
A bitch took from a lot this meeting and my ass references it often.
For the purposes of this post, my ass mentioned it because of the words he left me with.
He took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and slowly, in the way of older people, opened it up. It was a battered copy of the Constitution…torn and stained.
This was a document well used and well understood. This man knew it, took it out and read it often.
“My bible is just as worn and tattered. If a written word is important a person should read it until it falls apart.”
This bitch thought the Constitution never looked better than when is was clutched in those aged brown hands…living in his vivid mind and quoted with authority and great understanding through his wise lips.
So, in response to a certain Salon.com comment, a bitch would simply say…the Constitution is our document, not just the learned and well educated...all Americans.
Who better to apply it than the citizens it was written to inspire and protect?
Just a little something to think about...
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