Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Could It Be...?
Like a smoldering fire, tensions erupt into war…
As previously stated, there was a fragile peace following the police raid. The neighbors had approached the heathens to explain how they couldn’t have the cops coming over and how they (the heathens) needed to behave like…well…children. The heathens made noises that were interpreted by the neighbors as confirmation that they would adhere to the new rules. But deep down there was a resentment festering within the heathens. No one tells them what to do and when to do it! A bitch survived Memorial Day Weekend. Having said that, détente was blow to hell Sunday evening.
Sunday May 29, 2005
Basketball resumed with four heathens playing at the neighbor’s hoop. ABB and sister exit dwelling en route to a barbeque in Wildwood (non St. Louisans note that Wildwood is a very pretty suburb full of trees and over-populated by deer). ABB approaches her sister’s car and notices that there is a bike right behind it. She looks over towards the heathens and asks the group in general could someone please move the bike so that the car can get out. This request was made calmly and without bitch-tone.
A foul tempered shirtless man-breast having heathen lumbered over and removed the bike. With an attitude. Because he should not be interrupted from the worst basketball game in the history of neighborhood pick-up ball to move his property from our grown assed tax paying property. Sigh. ABB and sister drive out to Wildwood, eat tons of grilled beast and drink ourselves silly. After a great time, we drive back home and pull up only to see that the heathens have exacted their revenge…on ABB’s car…, which was a very cute if neglected VW Cabrio…but is now a keyed up ravaged wee little car with four slashed tires.
The sister’s dander was beyond up! She paced and fumed. I sat quietly trying to think of who I know that would eliminate a certain nappy headed stank breath child…not kill, but remove…to Iowa, maybe? Anyway, the sister made for her lair upstairs to brood. I called the cops, who took down the info. and made nice sympathetic noises. After a sleepless night, the sister emerged from her lair just past dawn and approached the neighbor whose hoop had brought the wrath of the heathens upon the Cabrio.
“Mr. Neighbor person! Take! Down! This! Hoop!" It was Reaganesque!
After a brief conversation (see, serious read), the neighbor proclaimed that the hoop was going down. Sistergirl handed him his mail (the postman sucks, but that’s another post) turned and came back home.
ABB's sister "That fucking hoop is coming down! Fuck this shit! They egged the other neighbor’s house, so they were basically going to attack anyone they thought was fucking with their hoop! Assholes!"
I cooked her cheesy eggs and potatoes, which calmed her a bit.
Yesterday was spent dealing with insurance and car rental information. Because of the holiday, I was unable to take care of much. But the Cabrio should be at the car-doctor by tonight.
And so, the hoop is down. The heathens have dispersed and the neighbor will be paying my deductible.
A bitch was sad about this whole mess, but not surprised. As homeowners we had to take a stand. We tried to reason with the neighbors, but they didn’t see the inevitability of this drama. And so, here we are. I am without my beloved Cabrio. The neighbors are without $250 and the heathens are without a hoop. Fuck it all.
The Toll of the Great Shaw War of 2005
1 Basketball hoop
1 exterior coat finish on the Cabrio
ABB's insurance deductible
Note – no lives were lost during this battle, but a bitch has lost some faith and all tolerance for the young!
Friday, May 27, 2005
Détente – An Update on the Great Shaw Urban War of 2005 (aka the Bitch versus the Heathens)
Détente will be tested this Memorial Day weekend, but a bitch has a hope filled heart that this war is truly over.
After all, all we were saying was give peace a chance...
Oh, and shut the fuck up!
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Why My Ass is Missing in Action...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
A Quizzical on Stem Cell Research
A bitch was amazed by the news last week that South Korea had cloned a human embryo and harvested new stem cell lines from it. Apparently, South Korea does not have the same moral and ethical division on the topic that we have. China has made advances as well. A bitch is convinced that science is about to make some rapid advances. Evolution isn’t held prisoner within a gradual pace; it leaps and stalls and then leaps forward again. So now what? Science is advancing while American politicians debate whether it should advance here.
Walk with me for a moment. Lets travel beyond this outdated notion that America discovers everything first or invents shit before the rest of the world. Lets explore reality.
China develops a treatment for paralyzed folks. The treatment was developed based on stem cell research; specifically, stem cells harvested from human embryos created for that purpose. The initial question would be could Americans be allowed to utilize treatments/cures born out of medical research practices banned here. Beyond that, China now has the cure for all spinal cord injuries. Imagine the power. Well, you don’t have to really imagine it. America has Africa by the balls because we manufacture HIV and AIDS drugs, and those don’t cure a goddamned thing. Fascinating, isn’t it?
India develops a cure for ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) from stem cell research. Again, they utilized stem cells harvested from human embryos created for that purpose. India then spins off cures for Lupus, Parkinson’s and MS. India, a country that we are presently bitching about America exporting jobs to. India, huge and populated and poor and neglected for far to long. India…the most powerful medical power in the world because of stem cell research?
I could go on and on, but let me stop here. A bitch is fucking pissed! Not because of the possible benefits of stem cell research. Those could be debated until a bitch dropped to the ground and convulsed. No, I’m pissed because this debate is fucking trapped in our knee jerk American ethnocentric view of all things. Fuck it all, this isn’t about what we are willing or not willing to do! Stem cell research is the genie and it is out of the bottle. We…us…Americans…need to think back to the birth of the nuclear arms race. Reach back to that recent past, when science was without borders and knowledge meant power. Not a damn thing has changed. Insert stem cells for nuclear, and you have the same basic debate.
Should we? What if we do? What if we don’t? They already are, aren’t they? How do we control this? Can limits be maintained? And so on and so on until a bitch wants to scream and shout that this is happening! It is spun! "It" has begun…
Whether we acknowledge it…. or not.
Whether we allow it...or not.
Now, what are we going to do about it?
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
The Master has been hard at work...
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Tom, I get that freak vibe watching you paw that child. And Katie, if you're going to front with Tom Cruise to promote your irrelevant acting career at least dig deep and draw upon The Craft. I'm not buying it and video of you drawing away from Mr. Cruise as if he's got ass breath when he made to kiss you ain't helping.
Since The Great Marriage Battle of 2004, the institution has fascinated a bitch. Tom Cruise tends to mate for ten years then dump them around the same time his pre-nup reaches maturity. I've got to be honest; he's giving "marriage" a bad reputation. From the cultish intensity of his first marriage to the frosty drug-like haze of his second, Tom Cruise looks about as "in love" with his wives as a Vegas call girl trying to make her quota on a Tuesday night.
Hollywood Mating Tendencies that ABB is Tired Of
- If you're fucking, just say you are fucking. Or don't. I don't really care, but all this "we're friends" bullshit is insulting. Note to celebrities - this bitch thinks the bulk of you hit it. That's cool and I won't judge you, but stop fronting about being friends!
- Engaged in February, broken up by June, dating a new person by October and engaged again by February. This is has never been, isn't now and never will be the road to success. Straight celebrities are the only people I can think of who hit the U-Haul rental counter faster than lesbians. Slow down! Get to know a motherfucker's middle name through casual conversation!
- Arm candy of the opposite sex will not do away with the gay/lesbian rumors. Arm candy with that "Someone please help me!" look in her eyes sure as shit doesn’t help. Former arm candy going on television looking well fucked for the first time in two years post-breakup...well, that's priceless! Nice try, honey bun.
- Hollywood has seen some beautiful May-December romances. A bitch adores the Bogart & Bacall story. But, when it doesn't work, it is creepy. I feel like I'm watching a scene from China Town - The Sequel and I don't like it!
- Oprah - stop kissing ass. Stop! Stop now! You are such a Star Fucker! Oprah - we all get up and take a shit in the morning. These are just people...who try to be interesting...and often fail.
A bitch almost gagged listening to Tom Cruise talk about marriage plans and Oprah gush. Are you people fucking serious? What happened to protecting the "institution" from attack? Wake up, because the real enemy is binging on the sanctity of marriage as I type!
But this shit is okay, right.
Because it's a man on woman farce.
Want to know how Americans really feel about marriage and traditional relationships? Check out Oprah's ratings yesterday. Or better yet, how about the ratings for this shit.
Sanctified my black ass.
Ain’t no Fog in this War! – The Heathens of Shaw Episode 3
A bitch and her sister attended a Neighborhood Association meeting.
Drama! If you want to feel better about your situation just take your ass to one of these meetings. Shaw is an up & coming neighborhood in the Lou and some of these folks lived through serious shit while the up was coming. The good thing is that no one made us feel like assholes for taking this issue on. Rather, like y'all said, they reinforced that this was an incident in the making.
We left the meeting with Activist Lady, who wanted to drive by the house and see if she knew any of the heathens. She knew two of them and chatted for a bit, but they felt confident in their right to be behind our house raising hell. My sister directed me to make the first phone call to the police, as directed by the Shaw neighborhood ladies.
I picked up the phone and War commenced.
The first skirmishes of War are often slow in their build up. A nice Officer rolled up on our house and we gave him the details. He clearly had heard this shit before, asked us what we wanted to happen and drove around back.
The first Battle of the Bitch versus the Heathens was on!
The waiting was excruciating. My stomach was in knots! After an hour the Officer called us back.
“I dispersed the Heathens. Your neighbor pulled up and I informed him of the problem. I didn’t tell him who called in the complaint, but did tell him that he would only get so many before his home would be classified as a “Nuisance House”. He denied knowing that there was a problem. He stated that the Heathens were always well behaved. I told him that his neighbors felt otherwise and that he should take action. I then had the Heathens give me their phone numbers and called their parents to come pick their asses up from behind this house. They did and the kids are gone. Just give me a call if this continues to be a problem.”
Unbelievable! This fucker actually tried to spin these bad assed heathens as a bunch of alter boys just trying to have fun! Not aware that it was a problem? What the fuck?
The entire incident was a case study in assholes and the lies they tell themselves!
I wrapped this shit up just in time to catch the Patty Hearst documentary on PBS (thank you, Oh fantabulous Thurman)!
A bitch may have to call the police again over this shit, but I know that the assholes next door are finally experiencing a dose of the drama I’ve been going through since they moved in. Fucker was outside pacing at 7:30am! Oh, how I love the sound of agitation in the morning...
Heathens = 0
Bitch = 1
Cigs = 20
Vodka Crans = 4
Monday, May 23, 2005
The Escalation of War – The Heathens of Shaw Episode 2
My sister/roommate/landlord placed a call to our local neighborhood activist for advice. Activist Lady has a program that seeks to get the area heathens off the street and into activities. My sis chatted with her regarding strategies and our options. Basically, we can call the police regarding a noise violation, try to talk to these inconsiderate asses one more time or learn to deal.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?
Yesterday the little fuckers were out there playing ball at 9pm. The neighbor's long suffering and old as sin dog barked in desperation for 30 minutes. The poor thing was all but begging these kids to leave her in peace! I stuck my head out just as our neighbor on the other side of the house approached the heathens. Note - one of the Inconsiderate Neighbor's cars was in the driveway getting pummeled by the basketball.
Opposite House Neighbor to Heathens "Are you supposed to be playing when there's a car parked below the hoop?"
Heathen #1, loud and with an attitude “What she say?"
Heathen #2, exasperated by the interruption "Lady, we just need 5 more minutes!"
They continued to play as the Opposite House Neighbor attempted to converse. Then the Inconsiderate Shit Neighbor's huuuusband pulled up.
Heathen #2, cocky with the knowledge that he should get his way "She's asking if it's okay for us to play!"
Ass, sounding stoned or drunk or both "Cool. How's it going, dude? Yeah...like, just play when we aren't here...dude. Cool!"
Revelation - these people are just assholes! They don't give a flying fuck as long as they don't have to endure the noise and riots. The fucking wife was inside the house when all this chaos broke out!
As I slammed the door something like "Inconsiderate motherfuckers!" flew out of my mouth.
So it's war, is it?
Well, bring it on! This bitch is going to be one complaint lodging & police calling fool! Fuck it. I paid my taxes.... this year.
Jesus, I can't stand these people! My anger has moved from the heathens to the preppy "summer of love" shits who are enabling them.
More to come...
Grab a seat...stay awhile!
That Silver Ring Thing
A bitch caught 60 Minutes yesterday, and boy was it worth it! Ed Bradley did a piece on The Silver Ring Thing, which is a Virginity Pledge cult that preaches abstinence-only until marriage. The ministry was defending itself against recent data that shows that these pledged virgins don’t use protection when they fall from grace and get some. Blah, blah, blah. What do you expect to happen when you remove sex ed. from the classroom and then ask a teen to abstain based on faith? If this bitch had a dollar for every married-before-God man and woman who’s tried to get in my pants I’d be living large in the South of France! So what makes us think the electric youth are going to fair any better on the faith alone?
Anyhoo, the best part of the segment was when Claude Allen, the President’s domestic policy advisor on the promotion of the absence of sex, was interviewed. If a bitch had smell-o-vision the distinctive scent of lavender would have filled up my smoke filled room!
Hmmm. How does one put this gently?
Claude? Change starts from within, honey! Don’t keep “it” in the closet.
A bitch thinks thou doeth gay-hate and sex-abstain too much...
Why are you yelling at me? Don’t you know who my huuuusband is?
First Lady Laura Bush made a trip on our dime to the Middle East. Draped in her best knock-off Jackie O. black lace scarf-like thing, Laura attempted to charm the locals by bowing her head and ducking for cover. The press seemed shocked that both Jews and Muslims in Israel heckled the First Lady. A bitch would like to point out to the American media that not everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid. But, hats off to Laura B. for accomplishing what her huuuusband Scooter hasn’t been able to do in Israel; get Jews and Muslim to unite under a single policy… which was to make sure the very flat-tongued and bright eyed Laura got the verbal ass whooping her huuuuusband isn’t man enough to face.
There’s your souvenir honey! Now you go on home and take that message to Scooter. Go on, now!
Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I wonder what it would be like to be Rush Limbaugh.
Rush Limbaugh has got it made. He does! His ass is still on the air stirring up shit and tossing out lies. He still lives in an amazing pad. I believe that he’s still boning Daryn Kagan from CNN. Oh, and he can still afford Roy Black as a lawyer. The last one is important, because Rush hasn’t seen any parts of a jail cell even though he is guilty as a fox with a chicken in its fucking mouth.
Let’s all say it together, shall we? Rush Limbaugh is a fucking drug fiend!
I adore the word "fiend", because it really does sum up the fact that a broke Rush would be handing out $5 blowjobs on MLK Blvd. for a hit. But Rush has money, honey! So, the drug policy gets…well…revised for his ass. No jail, even though it’s been a while since he confessed to popping illegal pills. No prosecution, even though prosecutors have him scoring extra pills through his housekeeper. No punishment at all, because Rush is a card carrying member of the privileged elite. And I hate him! And I hate the fucking prosecutor for not having the decency to put his ass behind bars for a crime poor people go to federal prison for. Justice ain’t blind when your ass is holding some fucking cash…it’s just a greedy money hungry whore.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Have you lost your motherfucking mind?
A bitch was up early this morning. News that several members of the black clergy stood beside Senator Frist yesterday in support of Janice Rogers Brown snapped my black ass to attention.
To the members of the “Black Clergy” who stood beside Frist...
You do not speak for me. No one asked you to articulate the thoughts of black Americans. We did not hold a fucking “black peoples” election and decide that 6 of you over-paid, $500 suit wearing, $70,000 car driving, wife of the deacon undercover fucking, moral hypocrites could articulate “our” position on Federal Judges.
Didn’t you even ask to see Janice Rogers Brown’s resume? Or were you so thrilled that massa…oops, I mean Senator Frist asked your tired idiotic ass to stand next to him that you didn’t even care what he was saying? Jesus to God, you make a bitch sick.! Did you feel compelled to support Janice Rogers "I hate the workers of America" Brown because she’s black? Don’t you know by now that black aint always correct?
For the record, you slow assed wanna-be Martin Luther King, Jr. assholes, Janice Rogers Brown...
Opposes the minimum wage
Does not believe that workers should be protected from an unlimited work-week
Does not believe in, support or have any intention of protecting Social Security
You look confused! Are you trying to figure out why those positions are bad? Has your privileged “don’t pastor looked good dis Sunday” ass moved so far up The Man’s behind that you no longer see how POLICY impacts the lives of PEOPLE? I see! Let me explain…
Mr. Black Clergy peoples, black people are still struggling economically. Many Americans, regardless of race or ethnicity, struggle to make ends meet. I know - shocking! The minimum wage is one of the only wage protections all citizens have. And it’s not good enough. Take it away and The Man will lower wages even more and plunge the working poor into abject poverty. I hate to say it, but blacks are usually among the first to get on the bus to Shitsville. Thanks for throwing your support behind that! Great job! Fuckers.
Before the government set limits on the workweek, Americans were working themselves to death. Yeah - shocking! The rich got richer and the poor sank deeper into the grave with each miserable 18-hour day. So, motherfuckers, attempts to end controls on the workweek only benefit The Man. But, what would you know about work? You uninspired peevish shits.
The President pitched Social Security reform directly to blacks this year. His argument was that black families need additional protections because our men die younger than the national average. Let’s not get into all the reasons for the early mortality of black men, the fact that most black households are not headed by a man or the truly sick nature of pitching reform based on "y’all are early to the grave" numbers. Suffice it to say, most blacks haven’t invested for shit and will need Social Security. Do we need to do better? Yes. Will that take away the need for a stable Social Security program not subject to the whims of the Stock Market? No. Dumb assed attention seeking shits!
A bitch has no idea why the daughter of a sharecropper would flip over to the dark side. I suspect that it has nothing to do with God, prayer or morality. I do know why a tired ass irrelevant money-grabbing preacher would shimmy up to Senator Frist…the quest for power.
Brothas, you’ve just wasted your worthless time. The Man doesn’t share power. The Man doesn’t respect you or the people you pretend to represent. The Man will not offer you advancement for Uncle Tomming it with him on the Hill.
You just sold your soul for a dime and your dumb ass is bragging about the profit.
Shame on you. Shame on the media for reporting on you as if you represent black people. And shame on me for not calling you corrupt shits out earlier on this blog.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
We’re building nations here, damnit!
The President has announced that the United States is officially in the nation building business. We’ve been fucking around with nations for years, but now we’re throwing some money behind it…above the table, that is. There will be a civilian corps, which will have the duty of infiltrating fledgling democracies when “trouble” heats up. All this talk of building democracies got a bitch thinking.
How exactly does one nation go about building a democracy within another? I’m seriously asking, because I’ve never seen a democracy “built” before. A bitch would like the current administration to slow down a bit. Iraq has got your ass a wee bit excited about the possibility of democratizing the world. Son, that cake aint out of the oven yet. Why don’t you see if it taste like shit before you pop twenty more in to cook?
On the topic of trained civilians stepping in to assist young democracies when “trouble” heats up, a bitch has a few questions. Who exactly decides what “trouble” is? Were we causing “trouble” when we booted the Brits out? Were abolitionists causing “trouble” when they called for an end to slavery? What exactly will this corps of civilians do?
A bitch thinks “civilian corps” is code for shadow army and “nation building” is code for expanding the empire. A warning to the French – keep a sharp eye on the borders ‘cause Scooter has a grudge and he aint afraid to invade!
But who will keep the home fires burning?
The second blip that caught my eye was that the House almost approved some sort of measure that would restrict female soldiers from fighting on the front lines. Being an anti-war bitch myself, I didn’t immediately see this as an issue. But somewhere around my third cup of coffee I got a wee bit concerned.
Why, in a time of war, would you restrict the willing from frontline service? Why, when the armed forces can’t recruit for shit, would you remove from your ranks those that are already locked in to tours of duty? Could it be that, faced with the inevitable need to reinstate the draft, the armed forces are simply removing the gender question from the table? Hmmm.
See, one of the critical problems with reinstating the draft is that women have never had to register for it. Men do, but women have always been exempt even after we gained the “right” to serve in active combat. Our government has been grappling with the need to establish "equality" in "tyranny", and this bitch thinks this new move toward restricting women from frontline combat is their solution.
Time will tell, chil’ren.
Tic Toc goes the clock.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Gasping for breath with my head barely above water…
As I tread water in this ocean of shit...
Wow, what fantastic feedback on yesterday's post. Opinions and debate! A bitch is thrilled and grateful for the sharing! If the President of Mexico's comment has stirred folks up then it was worth it for that alone.
If you caught the morning news you most likely noticed that all hell is breaking out on the Hill. It's about time those motherfuckers came to blows! All this rope-a-dope bullshit has been driving a bitch crazy.
Are You Ready to Rumble?
In the right corner, we have the Republican majority! Under the leadership of Senator Bill Frist, they seek to rubber stamp the President’s judicial nominees by forcing an up or down vote on the floor. Watch out for that wild upper right cut know as the Nuclear Option! Frist has his weapon loaded and is aching to use it.
In the left corner, we have the Democratic minority. Under the feeble voiced leadership of Senator Harry Reid, the Dems are holding firm to their opposition towards a vote. They know all about Frist’s Nuclear Weapon and they plan to make his ass use it. In their arsenal - the ability to bring the Senate to a halt on all other bitness. The downside – will anyone even notice?
Frist, addressing the Senate on the nomination of Priscilla Owen “I’m tired of this bullshit! If you bitches filibuster I’m going to open up a can of whoop ass on you that will make the Robert Bork battle look like a pre-school scuffle! You better vote and I mean vote now!”
Kennedy, red faced and full of bluster “You must have lost your goddamned mind, talking to me like that! I don’t have time for your '2008 potential contender' posturing bullshit. Fuck you and your culture of life!”
Reid, ever the voice of reason “I can’t understand why you would go to these extremes to force a vote on a candidate who is to the far right of the Texas Court, is a member of the board of the Houston Chapter of the ultra-fascist Federalist Society and traded rulings for Enron money back in the day. Jesus! Why are you spitting on me? Get your hands off of me! Oh my God….!”
Kennedy, grabbing Reid from behind and pulling him physically from the microphone “Jesus to God, shut the fuck up! God damned reasonable motherfucker! Step aside son, and take some notes! Now listen up, motherfuckers...!"
Yep, it’s going to be an old-school street fight up on the Hill. There was a time when Senators actually gave enough of a shit to come to blows during debates. This kind of pre-vote trash talk makes a bitch hopeful for the future!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Do They Have a Hallmark Card for this Shit?
Newsweek has apologized for and retracted the published story about an alleged incident in which U.S. soldiers flushed the Quran down a toilet during an interrogation. Newsweek has been falling on their editorial sword for several days now. After a certain point all this horse beating gets tired. Having said that, a bitch was fascinated by the following…
Where are the reporters/journalists/whatever they call themselves these days? Michael Isikoff and John Berry must have the best fucking P.R. hacks in the business, because their names have been omitted for almost all of the news items about this story. Seems only Newsweek is willing to name names, which should earn them a reprieve from this beating.
The blurb in the May 9 issue of Newsweek was not the reason Muslims took to the streets. The blurb and the subsequent reporting about it may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. It’s about nuance, kids. Oh, and a general understanding that the Islamic world has had enough of our shit.
The Rumsfeld quote relating to this matter was an absolute stunner. Something like “People need to be careful about what they say.” Don’t you love that? Rummy, your irony takes my breath away! Still Rumsfeldian after all these years...
Some other nitwit said something like “A certain journalistic standard needs to be met.” Yeah, but you weren’t saying that shit when they were knee deep in your "build up to war" bullshit, were you?
And finally, is the story wrong or was it poorly sourced? Opps! That's a question. My bad!
On to Mexico!
A bitch did read about the unfortunate remarks made by President Vicente Fox of Mexico. Having lived in Texas for many years, I was concerned that this would spark up the strange inter-brown struggles that plague cities in the Southwest. A bitch loves her brown brothers and sisters, so let's not start burning shit down over some bullshit.
To clarify for Mr. Fox, most blacks in the United States trace our heritage back to slavery. We did not choose to come here and our relatives worked shit jobs for no pay for over 100 years. Having paid our dues we now seek some fucking advancement, which our second-generation immigrant brown brothers and sisters should well understand. If we did want to work hard labor jobs with no health insurance for below minimum wage, I'd have to renounce my angry black membership. Having said that, I do understand why folks are flooding over the border. A little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing; that's why our people made for Canada back in the day!
A bitch was disappointed, but not surprised. What did surprise me was that no one turned the tables back on President Fox.
Hey asshole! Instead of bitching about our immigration policy try building an economy at home. You know...Mexico? This bitch doesn't think you have a damned thing to be proud of when your citizens are fleeing north and all you can do is bitch about how slow the fucking line is at the border.
Monday, May 16, 2005
A Royal announcement...
So what's up? Why isn't anyone over here talking about Prince Albert and his baby's momma? Or should I say, his African baby's momma and his pretty mocha-latte baby. Really, the kid is cute! Looks like Princess Grace, don't you think? With a serious tan.
News of Prince Albert's Baby's Momma
My friends across the pond, a bitch needs the details!
I may have to learn French if there's gonna be a Sistah at the head of the house of Grimaldi!
Howie, a bitch adores you!
It was a wee bit odd having Arianna Huffington on to discuss whether she needs more outlets to address the masses, don’t you think? Basically, you gave her more media time to discuss whether she needs more media time.
Wait… a bitch may be getting ahead of herself!
Howie, here’s how you can make amends for inflicting Arianna Huffington on the world one more time. ABB would like equal time!
ABB’s Initial Pitch to get on Reliable Sources
I don’t like the way Arianna says the word “blog”; it sounds cheap on her trend-whore lips. I’d like to know what Arianna’s favorite blogs really are. Are they diverse or does she only hang with the "beautiful people" on-line? It's a valid question, because her ass was name-dropping certain bloggers like a wanna-be “it girl” in the Hamptons discussing yesterdays lunch.
A bitch is concerned about who these “guest bloggers” will be. Why not have a welfare recipient blog about…well…welfare? Or how about a convict discuss prison reform? Oh, and I propose having everyday bloggers submit pieces. As it stands, Arianna's free-form voice of the people site is, in reality, just another outlet for the same old talking heads.
Howie, a bitch welcomes Arianna to the fold and would be open to some equal time. So, grant a bitch 5 minutes on Reliable Sources! I guarantee a free and open discussion devoid of name-dropping and spin. Okay, that's a lie. But, fuck it, the names I drop will be new and I can spin as good as Miz Huffington. I may even throw out an original thought!
Come on…live a little, Howie. Clearly, you are desperate for content. Drop a bitch a line…
Sunday, May 15, 2005
By request...The War on Choice - A bitch's perspective
A friend in need sidetracked my weekend plans of debauchery. Most folks come to me in bullshit-distress, but a friend was truly suffering over her mother’s illness and I was her shoulder to cry on. It hurts when someone you care about has a problem you can’t solve… Vodka-crans can’t solve…fuck it; cheesecake, Vodka and fried chicken can’t even solve this shit! But I was glad to be there and repay some of my emotional debt. Needless to say, a bitch was not able to party Saturday night as planned and now I feel that my weekend has been hijacked by reality.
The comment by Jolly Green Julie did perk a bitch up. It referenced the Radical Right’s attempt to block the availability of the Plan B emergency contraception pill. Now, I should state upfront that I’m a huge supporter of reproductive freedom. As a volunteer at several local women’s shelters, I have seen the devastation that is wrought when choice is taken away from us. Having said that, I would like to see some planning going on with all the parenthood I’ve been seeing lately. However, no woman should be told to fucking pray when a night of fun turns into a possible lifetime investment. Religious zealots should take comfort in the fact that tons of prayer takes place while women wait to see if it's blue or pink or clear of whatever. And I mean tons of fervent "Please Jesus, I'm begging you don't let my ass be pregnant!" prayer. Add a few girlfriends and it's a fucking prayer circle!
ABB's Thoughts on this Bullshit.
The recent move by the Radical Right to remove sex ed. from our schools is, in essence, a class war. Why, you ask? Well let a bitch tell you! Access to reproductive choices has always been the privilege of the rich. Bitches with money haven’t been surprised by a baby for 100’s of years. Lack of reproductive choices has always been the burden of the poor. In Missouri, this class war has the unfortunate added element of race and geography. Decision are being made in Jefferson City by people who have never been to St. Louis or Kansas City, have never seen the faces behind the numbers and have no idea what goes on inside a city clinic. And that pisses me the fuck off!
Our young women are being besieged by a culture that has become rapidly sexualized. And not in that 1990's "I'm going to get my freak on" empowered kinda way, but in that "oh God I'd better blow him or I'll loose him" 1950's feminist nightmare kinda way. At the same time, we are taking away any useful education about our bodies, our rights and our options. Now, after sexual education has been rolled back to a pre-pill state, these Radicals seek to remove emergency contraception from the picture. The end result is that an ignorant, unprepared young woman who can’t get on the pill because her pharmacist is a fundamentalist and can’t buy Latex because her local drug store is scared of the local preacher, and can’t get an abortion or even find out about abortions because her state Rep. doesn’t want to get turned away from communion, will stumble back home and try to solve the situation herself. We know this, chil’ren! We have the documentation and we also have logic; when you were 16 what would you have done? Be honest. MmmHmmm.
A bitch would like to focus on what motivates of these Radicals, rather than their rhetoric. Why would you not want to educate a young woman about her body? Why would you teach only abstinence in a society that has so many safe options for those who want to have sex? When did sex become the enemy? Why would you also seek to shut down clinics? Don’t you know that clinics treat a multitude of STD’s, often are the only medical testing a young woman gets and are a huge resource to women who don’t have healthcare and need to get a fucking pap smear? Oh, and why go after Plan B now? Is it because you want to promote a "culture of life"? Or is it because you want to see poor women have poor babies, remain uneducated and unemployable, and stay captured and controlled in a state of abject poverty? Could it be that you fear planned parenthood because you in some way benefit from unplanned parenthood?
A bitch thinks this may be an organized attempt to cripple the masses then soothe their tortured minds with...well...prayer! Consider the rising syphilis and HIV infection numbers and this becomes a war of attrition. Just think about it...and then write a check to NARAL and/or Planned Parenthood.
ABB wants everyone to know that I do not want women going out and having unprotected sex. I want to see women empowered to protect themselves and able to address any situation quickly if they didn’t. As for the religious argument, try this - a bitch wants to see women live long enough to still have the option of finding God... or not.
Education, freedom of choice and lots of safe options - I call those basic rights, not a mandate to fuck.
Friday, May 13, 2005
The Heathens of Shaw...
The Heathens of Shaw
The heathens are the bad assed, no “parent” having, never been raised, nappy headed kids who roam the streets of Shaw. Now that they are pre-teens, they have acquired a contingent of ‘hos in training; young sassy black girls in too tight clothing with multi-colored hair and a bad-assed attitude taking notes and learning the trade.
Their goal in life? To do what they want to do, when they want to and be outside raising hell for as long as possible. This includes loud trash talking, random screaming, fights, some arson and lots of littering.
The New Neighbors
Recently, a nice super-liberal couple moved in next door. They are “county people”, which means that they lack that “mistrust of others” that city folks get. I like to call the return of county liberals to the city Reverse Flight - when liberal and/or hip white people flee the ‘burbs because they can’t stand how neo-con they have become.
They have a pre-teen, a toddler and an infant. They have a Volvo and an Instead of War sign. They also have a basketball hoop.
I know what you’re thinking. Did the heathens come and play on the new neighbor’s driveway court without permission? Did the neighbors call the cops?
Come on now, these are former-county, new to the city liberals. They authorized the nappy-headed bad-assed little shits to raise hell behind the house!
The Incident Behind the House Involving the Heathens
Three of the heathens wasted no time negotiating access to the hoop with the new neighbors. The neighbors, not being aware of the nature of these heathens and being full of do-gooderness, said sure. The heathens have been playing ball everyday until the neighbors get home. They are loud. They litter. They fight. And their numbers keep growing; three became six, six became ten, ten became 15 and, yesterday, 15 became 25. Yes… 25 nappy headed heathens and ‘hos in training raising hell in the alley behind my house.
When ABB Went Off
I was composing a nasty letter to the neighbors when our dawgs indicated that they wanted to go out to pee. I opened the door to the sight of three bad-assed children sitting on the trunk of my car watching the others try to kill each other.
ABB with attitude “Get off of my car!”
ABB willing to clarify “Get the FUCK off my car!”
Other Heathen “What she say?”
ABB remembering how to speak the language “Motherfuckers! Get your asses off my fucking car!”
They moved. Slowly and with attitude.
Little bad-assed shits!
Fuck the letter. A bitch confronted the neighbor this morning. She acknowledged the problem, but seemed unsure of what to do. I pointed out that it was her fucking problem, that one of these heathens has a passion for arson and that they had reached numbers that were an incident waiting to happen. All of which was hers to deal with and I mean deal with soon. She fretted. My neck jerked. I think she got the message.
A bitch is pissed! I mean mad! Why the fuck would you have unsupervised children playing behind your house? Where are these heathen’s parents? Are these children crazy, sitting on my fucking car like it’s a park bench? What the fuck? Why can’t people just move in, settle and avoid their neighbors like city people are supposed to do?!?
I don’t have children. I don’t dislike them, but if my ass wanted 25 children playing behind my house I would have set that shit up! And is this any way to announce your ass to the neighborhood? Because I hate these motherfuckers and they haven’t been here for a month!
“Hi, we’re your new neighbors and we’ll be inciting riots and encouraging youth violence now that we are here!”
I mean, shit! Fucked up a bitch’s evening and made me have to cuss out some bad-assed kid.
ABB’s note to new city dwellers trying to reach out to neighborhood youth.
It looks like a child, but it may be a heathen. Settle your ass in and get to know people. Give it a week (trust me on this) and the heathens and hos in training will be easily distinguishable from the children.
You dumb-assed problem causing with no solution having motherfuckers!!!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
While the masses were working...
As I understand it, a tiny assed plane flew into unauthorized airspace and was almost shot down. Fighter jets were buzzing the city and the White House was evacuated.
The plane turned before it got into “your ass is dead” airspace.
The media is now chewing on whether this was the correct response, an aggressive enough response or too much drama for the level of threat kind of response and so on.
But this bitch is obsessed with the wee little side blip that CNN, ABC, NBC and CBS just let sit there… like a stinking shit in the middle of the kitchen floor catching flies.
The Secret Service decided to not alert the President until he had finished his bike ride.
Take a moment and digest that.
ABB’s Concerns with the President’s bike ride and national security.
Why is the President going on a bike ride when the economy has gone to shit, North Korea has nukes and an itch it use them, Russia is sliding back into tyranny, Iraq is the war that just keeps on going and my ass is considering selling eggs to pay for gas?
For the record, this bitch hasn’t been able to schedule down time since 1985.
Scooter, get your ass into the office and govern! This ain’t the time to be seen with a fucking safety helmet on your head cruising through the forest. What is this shit? It reminds my ass of Scooter’s first term, when he took to the ranch every other week like he needed a fucking break.
“It’s hard! It’s really hard work!”
Hey asshole! You wanted this job. You fucking lied and sold your soul for it. Gerald Ford got some slack for falling and looking like shit. But you! Yeah, you Scooter! You need to take this shit a little more serious. Fuck it, a lot more serious. You have about 2000 to-dos and, as one of your bosses, I expect more. Give me some Bill Clinton bags under the eyes and a little haggardness. Fake it, motherfucker! Because when you go out and bike in the middle of a war it pisses me the fuck off!
As for national security, a bitch has truly given that shit to God. The inmates are running the asylum and I simply can’t stress about it anymore. If you’ve got a plane in secure airspace, shoot it down. If you don’t want to shoot it down, don’t. But don’t try to sell me on some kind of "system". Please. A bitch knows that this was handled in the same “It’s not my call” cluster-fuck freak out that all decisions are processed through in government. I can see it - a bunch of generals using military terms to articulate that they have no fucking idea what to do or how to do it.
It’s like I reached the city on a hill and found out it was a fucking Hollywood set.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
When bad advertising happens to dumb ideas...
Anyhoo, last night I was watching television (surprise) and a commercial came on that caught my attention. On came a picture of a nice looking black woman of a certain age and the voiceover gave her resume; great lawyer, fantastic person, bi-partisan support blah, blah, blah. Two more pictures with the same resume-like voiceover followed this. Then came the big pitch…
“All of these judges have been waiting for Senate confirmation for years! A Senator’s job is to vote. Call Washington and tell your Senators to do their job!”
A bitch sat up. My head began to hurt. A Senator’s job is to “vote”? Really? Well, that’s a change to the job description! Being a thorough bitch, I decided to look this shit up. What I found, with the assistance of the Internets, was that “must vote” is not anywhere in the job description of a Senator (neo-cons, please reference the Constitution… of this country… which is America).
A senator’s job is actually to debate, deliberate and advise. They are not mandated to vote. Rather, they are instructed to hold to the standard that "a thing" (legislation or nomination) must be worthy of a vote. If only shit nominees are nominated, then the Senate is actually required to not approve them. It's called not giving their consent and advising the President to go do his job... better.... and with some thought. Say a nominee is so shitty he's beyond shit. Then his ass won't make it out of committee. And if the committee puts forth a shit nominee to win the President's favor, because they know that they have enough rubber-stamp members to slide that shit through? Well, that's when the filibuster kicks in. It's the last port before the Titanic goes out to sea, my friends.
Same goes for proposals and bills etc. They debate and deliberate. The only way things get done (and yes, shit actually used to get done) is that the House (the Senate’s wild red-headed cousin) is passionate and constantly kicking shit over to the Senate to deliberate. And the people demand results or they vote the Senators or Reps. out.
The House is like a crazy interior designer and the Senate is the client. The House/Designer must be creative and take chances to come up with something amazing. The Senate/Client must be rational and calm, or their house will be painted magenta and have a fetus shaped pool full of scented lamb’s blood. Change this and it all goes to shit. Same goes for the President and his ideas. Imagine if FDR had been successful in his bid to bi-pass checks and balances by adding something like16 more judges to the Supreme Court.
No, a senator’s job is not to vote. It’s to determine whether something is worthy of a vote, change it if it’s not or kill it in committee so they don’t waste everyone’s time. When an item is worthy (by majority opinion) and not being held up in filibuster (because it's too damaging to let it hit the floor) they vote.
So why the commercial? Well, this bitch blames that shit on "the people".
Yep, the ignorant masses. The fucking knee-jerk dumb-assed shits, and at least one of you shits has posted to my site, who are just smart enough to be dangerous. You know who you are, with your surface understanding of government and your hatred of intellectuals. You fucking assholes are so easy to manipulate that the RNC can produce an outright lie and you’ll actually pick up the fucking phone and call your senator and say something inspired like “Vote. It’s your job!” or better yet, “Vote, or your ass isn’t a Christian”. Like a motherfucker can be declared un-Christian by decree or even not quite Christian enough. And who gives a shit? Nixon was a fucking born and raised Quaker and his ass sure didn’t tote that party line!
At any rate, this all comes back to advertising dollars and marketing being true barometers of how certain groups view their consumer. Based on the fact that a good-for-nothing piece of shit ad just ran nationwide, I’d say the RNC is feeling very confident that it’s “base” is still the same dumb assed no-political-knowledge having hayseeds they were in November. The masses deserve a government with no checks & balances. But my ass doesn’t deserve the country that government will create.
Stupid bad ad creating motherfuckers.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
See, your average neo-con is not very self-reflective. Everyone else is sooo wrong about everything that these poor souls are bogged down with pointing out the faults of others. No time to look deep within their own soul and see the truth within. The analyst within me is curious as to whether there is a little avoidance being practiced with all that rhetoric creating. Something like, the more Condi pontificates the less she thinks about...Hmm.
Before you conclude that this is a new phenomenon exclusive to gay anti-gays, let me remind you of the late and not great Sen. Strom Thurmond. Yes, chil'ren, the theory applies to other neo-con favorites. Strom hated deseg. with a passion. As a matter of fact, he used that annoying Senate tool...what's that thing called????? Oh, yeah! The filibuster to bitch for something like 20 hours about black people peeing in the same toilet as whites.
Strom’s Journey Into Hypocrisy
Strom gets married
Strom hires a pretty young black maid
Strom gets some ass
The maid comes up pregnant
Maid's Baby's Daddy, Strom, does a Jefferson and turns a blind eye
Maid confronts Baby's Daddy Strom and Strom gets to cutting checks
Baby looks just like her Daddy (damned shame, too)
Strom gets concerned that his white chil'ren may pee next to his brown child
Strom filibusters until his veins collapse
Strom runs for President on the segregation issue alone
He doesn’t win (thank you JESUS/DIVA/DEVINE ALL SEEING ONE)
Strom lives too long and dies to quickly (racist bastard)
Baby comes out of her Jeffersonian closet as the illegitimate love child of a Southern segregationist Senator, oh my!
ABB's Theory of Conservative Hypocrisy
At the point at which a neo-con person's protests against "a thing" are greater than said person's perceived relation to "that thing", that neo-con person is revealed to be "the thing" to which he or she has been protesting.
A bitch is feeling serious...
Wayne Williams was arrested and charged with two of the over 30 murders believed to fit the criteria of the serial. My mother never believed that he was the culprit. Now, it seems that she may have been right. Several cases have been re-opened due to the constant lobbying of parents who believe that the real killer is still out there. But I know that there can never be justice for a murdered child or those they leave behind. Who do we see about this? Who answers for the children who have gone missing since?
Serial killings make for good news and even better made for television movies. People latch on to the “crazed killer” because that poison is easier to digest than the cold bland reality that most children are murdered by someone they know.
And so we go to Zion and the shocking deaths of two little girls. It led the news this morning. Anchors speculated on the crime in the wooded area where their bodies were found. They asked pointed questions about the community and the park. But what they didn’t ask is the obvious question; who in their immediate world could have done this? Most children are hurt or killed by someone that they know. Parents, friends and loved ones are a child’s worst enemy and best defense. Those are the statistics that make the police start with the grieving family and work their way out from there.
Which takes us to Kansas City and Erica Michelle Maria Green. Her decapitated body was found and she remained nameless for over four years. Her mother and step-father have been charged with her death. She is still precious. And she is still lost. And I still wonder who we see about this shit! Who answers for her short, miserable and painful life? What the hell is wrong with these people? What the fuck is wrong with their family, friends and co-workers? Jesus! Didn’t you even ask where their little girl had gone?
I’m pissed off that children are treated like shit in our world. I’m angry that we ignore the connection between the abused and those that abuse. I want to scream and shake somebody until it stops, the death of innocence ends and all that's left on the news is greed and corruption. A bitch wants to be able to do something about this. And that's the problem, isn't it.
Who killed Atlanta’s children? Who will stand trial for the murders in Zion? What justice will the court seek for precious Erica Michelle? Why does this all seem sick and low and insufficient?
And people wonder why a bitch is mad…
Monday, May 09, 2005
Something about rocks and glass houses...
Are you settled in? Comfy? Great. Shall we begin?
Did we just get schooled on democracy from a Russian?
Russian President Putin, or Vlad as I like to call him, was on 60 Minutes yesterday playing verbal chess with Mike Wallace. It seems that Vlad has a strong understanding of America and our unique brand of democracy. See, Vlad isn’t impressed with us and isn’t afraid to let us know. Someone took a page from the old Soviet playbook, told us to fuck off and said something in Russian like "What are you going to do, bitch... invade?"
This morning White House Counsel Dan Bartlett was on the Today Show trying to spin Vlad’s pimp slap of American democracy into something positive. Dan’s principle problem, on top of his unfortunate resemblance to John Dean of Watergate fame, is that Vlad’s critique comes just as American democracy prepares to show the world just how fucked up we are.
Vlad feels that the electoral system is flawed. DeanBartlett defends the electoral system saying that it is the envy of the world. No shit, asshole. The rest of the world would love to ignore the majority and replace their wishes with a more controllable outcome. But that bird won't fly in the former Eastern Block! The only thing keeping the new democracies in check is…oh fuck, it’s the will of the people, isn’t it?!?! Anyhoo, DeanBartlett called this our "electoral strength". Vlad called it bullshit.
DeanBartlett then moved on to defend our "independent judiciary". Which caused a bitch to snort, because isn’t that the same judiciary that DeLay and his minions are threatening to reprimand for having the audacity to rule independently? Drama! Gonna call him on that Katie? Nope.
DeanBartlett continued on, bragging about the rule of law. Snort number two. Laws are cool unless they hinder us. Once hindered, we change our laws. If our needs change, we change the laws again. See, chil’ren, that’s what the Senate is doing regarding the “nuclear option” on filibusters. Nixonian, isn’t it?
DeanBartlett washed this all down with a rant about the need for democracies to be “free and open societies with an active media”. Gosh, that sounds nice! Give that boy a raise for saying that shit with a straight face!
Unfortunate Segment Placement of the Year goes to…The Today Show for following DeanBartlett with a segment on the RNC’s attempt to rewrite Senate rules and institute the “nuclear option” to end Democratic filibusters. Rule of law my wide black ass!
P.S. Congratulations to Spokane! Not only do y’all have the winner of the Hypocritical Conservative Exposed For Trying To Get Some Young Tail on Gay.com Award, Mayor Jim West, but y’all also boast a actual "newspaper". Wow, look at them breaking real news out there on the Left Coast!
Hats off to the Spokesman Review for using investigative techniques to...
- Find out that Mayor West likes boys…young boys….young boys who admit on-line that they are still in high school….really young boys!
- Lay a trap on Gay.com that involves posting the perfect profile. Chil’ren, this was brilliant! Something like…Young, very young, under-aged boy seeks older elected hypocritical anti-gay conservative to have inappropriate sexual relationship with. It was enough to make Mayor West get all hot and do the solo-tango in his office!
- Writing the story. One more time with feeling, chil'ren! They wrote the fucking story!!!
Makes a bitch proud to live in the U. S. of A.!
Friday, May 06, 2005
You better work! Work it, girl!
I'm still trying to recover from the fact that a blessing bestowing member of the faithful has posted a comment on AngryBlackBitch! Somehow I never pictured my readers saying shit like “I think Jesus Christ is cool”. But, what the fuck! Welcome oh faithful one! Honey, your comment was gleaming with pristine purity! Glowing, I tell you! Literally fucking glowing on my screen! Glad to hear that you’re jazzed up for J.C.! Take that team spirit and go do some good, son! Make this world a better place, for you and me…
Moving on full of blessings and anointed with the spirit, my thoughts have turned to motherhood. It’s hard to escape the fact that Mother’s Day is upon us. I don’t have a relationship with my own mother, so this is just another manic Sunday for me. My mom is crazy. Not wacky or off kilter. Crazy. With the help of 6 consecutive weeks viewing Dr. Phil and a lot of introspection, I decided that she needed to pursue that path solo.
Not having a “textbook mom” makes the whole mother thing rather mythical. I’ve always admired mother and child relationships that function. And I validate the work of moms. Shit, I couldn’t do it to save my life!
But the debate over the value of “stay-at-home” moms versus “working moms” pisses me off. Too often, this debate is held captive in the bizarre world of choice. Being able to stay at home is a blessing. Too many moms can’t even make that choice, because they have to provide for their children. These moms are basically doing double time. Some are balancing the needs of the household with the potential benefits of staying at home. Others know they can’t afford to stay home and are bombarded by media stories that claim they are harming their chil’ren.
When people discuss the choice of working or staying home it boggles my mind. The moms in my family have always worked outside the home. They had to. Even my crazy assed mom worked, because she was caregiver to my mentally disabled brother. Trust me, there are now four shifts or two adults doing what she did on her own for 12 years. That’s work. Shit, it drove her crazy! She was already half way there and being Super Mom took her over that waterfall.
There are a few notions I’d like to put forth on motherhood.
Stop beating your ass up over the whole breast-feeding thing. Formula is fine and lil’bit will still thrive. If they latch on, good for them. If they don’t, count yourself lucky for not having to pump for six months and move on. Shit happens.
Don’t let some dumb assed non-parent get in your head about what you are doing. You go on and do your thing! If someone has an opinion then tell their ass to go crank out their own baby and try that shit out.
Breast feeding in public is going to freak us non-parents out. Sorry, but it will. If you throw out your breast and proceed to feed, anticipate drama. If I tossed out my tit and adjusted my nipple ring I’d expect much the same.
Motherhood is work. So your ass is a “working mom”. If you also have a job outside of the home you are working two jobs. It’s all about branding. The devaluing of stay-at-home moms starts with the removal of the word “work” from their title. Claim that shit, ladies!
A bitch was raised by many “mothers” along the way. All of them filled the void left by my own crazy assed biological mom's multiple nervous breakdowns. All of them hold a special place in my cold dark angry heart. This Mother’s Day, a bitch plans to toast them and all the moms out there who are raising chil’ren and getting shit done!
Three cheers for all the working moms of the world raising babies out there!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Pray, bitch! Pray!
A bitch isn’t all that into prayer. I trust that any higher power has her shit together and knows what to do and when to do it. Isn’t it a wee bit insulting to assume that The Devine One needs a to-do list from us? My ass can’t even balance my checkbook.
How legitimate is a National Day of Prayer anyway? Are these people really praying or sorta-praying because Scooter declared that today we should all…well…pray? What are we to pray for? Do we get to pick?
Assuming that we get to choose our topic and always the patriotic bitch (when my ass feels like it, duh), I summoned all my will and mentally dialed up the Devine Diva.
ABB’s National Day of Prayer Conversation with the Devine Diva
So, like, I never know how to kick this shit off. Please forgive a bitch for a bad introduction! Anyhoo, I’m sure you know how I’ve been and I’m sure your life is pretty heavenly. Snort! I mean, you being God and all. Double snort!! Well, I’ll stop bullshitting and get right to the things that I feel may have fallen through the cracks due to more pressing issues like ensuring a culture of life and Terri Schiavo.
Could you do something about Ann Coulter? I worry about her so! She’s growing more and more bitter and dysfunctional. You’ve noticed that too? Yeah. Maybe you could find someone for her to love and be loved by? I know that’s a tall order, her being the devil’s minion. But she’s still one of your people, even if she’s fallen from your grace and is deserved of the full enveloping horror of hell. Don’t you have someone out there who has a penance to pay? Hook them up! Screwing Ann’s got to be equal to hot coals or self-whipping! You get on that!
I know it’s not life threatening, but please step in and save cable/satellite television from those hypocritical debaucherous assholes in Washington. They have ruined network television and now they’ve set their sights on my pay shit. You must stop them! A nation of reality weary viewers is counting on you! Great! Thanks!
This may sound nuts, but could you do away with…well…religious people? Before you jump to conclusions let me elaborate! Not truly spiritual people. They also get on my nerves, but they have value and I can usually avoid them. No, I mean those folks who talk a good game (lots of “Giving honor to God” and “First, let me give the glory to God”) but really are rotten to the core. Yeah, like Tom DeLay! Get rid of those folks. They are fucking up your brand identity, girl! Trust me! Yeah, the whole right side of Congress! You got it! Great. Thanks a bunch.
Well, I don’t want to tie up the line. I’ll letcha go. Really, you read my blog? Thanks, glad you like it. Toodles!
Have a great day of prayer and an even better night of sin...
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
In a mood...
Some people wait a lifetime for moment like this...
Why is everyone talking about whether Paula Abdul got busy with that dude from American Idol? I do not watch American Idol. Paula Abdul's voice makes me drop and convulse. I don't give a fuck if she seduced that nappy-headed fool! I hope she did. Get you some, Paula!
Over there! Over there!
So, the Army knew Pat Tillman died from friendly fire and didn't tell anyone for months. Not even his Momma. Is this shocking, Matt Lauer? Please! You dumb assed motherfucker! Would you come clean and interrupt the attempted remaking of the Audie Murphy story? Okay, so in this case the hero dies; he's still a hero! The spin was fantabulous and the Army ran with it. It must have been refreshing to have something to distract from the torture scandal. But this is not news, surprising, shocking or unexpected. This bitch is waiting for the Oliver Stone movie on this shit.
Oh no, not I! I will survive!
Cojo's ass is back on Entertainment Tonight. He sounded tired, but looked great. And that's all that really matters, right? Three cheers for the come back kid! Too bad he has to deal with Mary 'Prozac is the elixir of the gods' Hart. That bitch hasn't had a sincere emotion since 1985.
Beat Down in Philly
Let me get this right. Some suspected felon got the shit beat out him by a Philly cop. He was handcuffed. And the shit was beat out of him again. Katie, do you really need to ask if there is a possible explanation for this behavior? Did it look like that tiny assed wanna be hoodlum was resisting Mr. Burly Man Cop? Grow some journalistic chops and ask the police spokesbitch why that police officer looked like Arnold in Pumping Iron? Looks like steroids to this bitch! Speaking of Arnold...
I don't wanna play anymore!
Arnold? Mr. Cal-i-for-ni-ah? How's it going, honey? Poll numbers got you down? Don't fret! Reform away, my friend. Good luck with that shit, too. It seems that getting the job was a lot easier than doing it unscripted...
Yes, but is it news...?
And finally, the Mom Hero segment on the Today Show this morning really confused a bitch. A mother turns her back from her 19-month-old child "For three seconds". Lil Bit makes for the door and dives into the pool like an escape convict from Alcatraz. Mom begins to look for the child. Searches the home. Oh no! Lil Bit is in the pool! Thank God Mom knows CPR and is able to revive Lil Bit, only to collapse from emotional exhaustion as Lil Bit is airlifted away. Baby's fine. Mom looks shook up. This is not news. This is a tragedy averted and a warning to all Moms with young ones to lock the door and purchase a motion alarm for the pool. But you didn't offer that advice did you, Katie. Way to inform your viewers!
Best Rapid Fire Edit of the Day goes to... CNN!
Toure (correct spelling supplied by Tiger Lily), the fantabulous culture critic on CNN, dropped some real assed shit this morning during the 6:55 am 90 Second Pop segment. Soledad's ass was completely unprepared. It went something like this...
Toure "Paris Hilton's 15 minutes are up."
Nappy Headed Sidekick "She's a smart businesswoman!"
Toure "Paris Hilton is that girl in the class who sleeps with all the guys just to be popular!"
Nappy Headed Sidekick with flushed cheeks "She made $100,000 for showing up to a party for 20 minutes."
Toure "She played herself out for $100,000 and doesn't even need the money. For me, that's an accomplishment. For her, that's a tired assed played out desperate pay cut."
'Nuff said, Mr. Toure! But why did CNN edit that accurate assed shit out of the replay at 8:55 am?
Too true for morning television? I think I can hear James Earl Jones right now...
This is CNN. Where original thought is suppressed 24 hours a day...
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Please don't let it be a brotha....
I have the same reaction to breaking news like "A mother is charged with neglect after police found her wallowing in her own shit surrounded by starving children.". In that case it would have been... "Please don't let that crazy bitch be a sistah!"
So, when I came across this shit I quickly clicked the link, turned my head and silently chanted..."Please, please, please don't let this motherfucker be a brotha!"
But it was and he is.
Why, why, why, why, why!
I'm Fired Up...Can't Take No More!
ABB ponders the topic with deep introspection and a furrowed brow.
Why are we so fucked up? Are "we" fucked up or are "we" being defined by the vocal among us?
I am overwhelmed and proud of the history of the African in America. We are some bad assed folks! Look at what we have done and how we got it done. Amazing. And I claim this history and my own. This is my culture too and what is done in it's name is automatically my fucking business.
A bitch thinks that there are some among us who need to be re-motivated. In order to fuel my militant engine, I often watch Eyes on the Prize. Yeah, I know that 1954-1965 is all We Shall Overcome, but I prefer the militant and angry late ‘60s and ‘70s. Large Afro’s, raised fists and angry black bitches all over the place! Gets a sistah riled up just thinking about it!!
I digress. People, there is a right and there is a wrong. We have a hard time holding to that simple fact.
Angry Black Bitch’s Motivational Effort for My Peoples
Stop the Fucking. Start the Planning..
My people! Stop fucking without latex! It’s really that simple. Raw assed sex is problematic. There are diseases that will kill your ass! Babies cost money and deserve the right to enter into the world in love not drama. Get your ass a plan, got to school and find a path. If you want to start a family, the first thing you need to start is a relationship. If you are planning on going solo with that shit, then stop bitching and get to parenting. The best way to see if someone is full of shit or reckless is to take his/her ass to the clinic. If they walk through the door with you, they might be a keeper. If they pass or act put out, drop their ass! Trust me, they have been fucking without latex and will pursue that habit with your ass!
The pill is not part of the man’s master plan to eliminate our asses. Get that crazy assed shit out of your head right now. If you don’t like hormones, get some latex and get over it! You using hormones? Get some latex and move on too. A bitch is tired of hearing 30% of sistahs claim their baby is part of the 1% failure rate. I’m no math genius, but that shit defies logic! ABB advocates planned parenthood and some fucking discipline. We are beyond crisis and this shit needs to stop!
If it’s not your crack then it’s not your fucking money!
Why! Why do drug dealing brothas and sistahs act like that roll of $20s in their pocket is their cash? Was it your crack? No? Then it’s not your fucking cash! Open your eyes and look around you. Your ass is living in the ghetto, hustling for some distant motherfucker and facing death and jail solo. Does that make sense? If yes, then this is a Darwinian situation and I wish you the best of luck with that. If not, then turn and face the mirror and repeat after me “My ass will stop this shit now and learn a trade”. Legal work is so much easier than illegal hustling. Trust me on that. It may bore your ass, but it is still less drama than dealing or hoing. Your ass is working hard and running in place. Yep, crack dealing is just a tired assed treadmill to jail.
This also applies to hoing. Bitch, fucking for cash is as old as the day is long. Handing that cash over to your pimp/man/ole man is some dumb assed shit. If the job is too dangerous to actually keep the profits, MOVE YOUR ASS ON!
I’m Down as a Motherfucker, but I don’t wanna live next to your ghetto ass.
Poor does not equal broke-down. Wash your ass, motherfuckers! And clean your chil’ren up. Jesus, stop shouting all the time. Pull your broke-down ass together.
- Get your ass some clippers and take that uneven assed ‘fro down.
- Wash, trim your nails, brush your teeth and iron your clothes.
- You dressed that baby nice for 6 months. What the fuck happened?
- Gold is for jewelry. Teeth are for chewing. Bling and dental visits should never mix.
- If you can’t keep up on the fills, don’t dance with the acrylics!
- Comb your hair! Go natural if your ass is broke. I did! There’s no excuse for that crazy assed 50% braided head going into McDonald’s talking about “My ass needs an applications”. Jesus!
- How would you like it if I played Frank Sinatra at maximum volume at 6am in the morning? Yeah! Well, that’s how I feel when you blast 50 Cent at 10pm at night. Turn that shit down, go to sleep and tomorrow go get a job to pay for that obnoxious assed system.
- It’s a lawn, motherfucker, not a trash can! Next time you litter, I’m going to drop some dog shit in that bag of chips and leave it on your doorstep. Nasty ass.
In summary, we have a lot to be proud of. And we are not the only culture that has some ignorant shit to deal with. I mean, look at the red neck in the White House! I know several Texans who are sorry about that shit. We need to reinvest in our communities. We need to participate and motivate.
My Grandparents were poor people. Hell, my ass doesn’t have any fucking money! They worked hard, cleaned what they had and were proud to provide for their children. Poor doesn’t equal ignorant, black doesn't equal poor and prosperity can be found beyond the basketball court or video shoot.
What we need is a dash of pride tossed with some shame and dignity. Is there a store in the mall selling that?
Monday, May 02, 2005
Shall we proceed? Yes, indeed!
I’ll Fly Away! On A Sin Wagon…
A strung out looking emaciated Southern bride-to-be ran off to New Mexico. We don’t know why. We do know that she was a desperate bitch, because she took a Greyhound bus all the way there. For those of you who have not experienced the joy of leaving the driving to Greyhound, I’d like you to close your eyes and imagine the strong odor of ripe urine mixing within the hot pungent air with body odor stench and the aroma of a well-shat diaper.
As I was saying, this was a desperate bitch. And I feel for her. I do! However, Miss Priss Bitch America needs to go to jail. Why, you ask? Strung out crazy assed Southern White girls need to learn (and I mean learn fast) to not play the “race card” when they decide to drown their babies or pretend to be kidnapped. I mean it! I’m tired of this shit! Not two seconds after I heard she was bullshitting about the kidnapping I have to hear that she blamed a “Hispanic Man” and a “Caucasian Woman”. Oh, and add to that "with a small handgun". We've got to make sure that the trigger happy cops shoot first and ask questions later when pulling over every Hispanic man in New Mexico. MmmmmHmm. Just like that nappy headed bitch Susan Smith trying to call down the largest lynching in history by blaming a “Black man with a guuuuun!!!” when in reality she drowned her chil’ren in a sad assed attempt to win back her tired ass boyfriend. Sick assed bitches! Next time, blame it on a 19 year old frat boy from Georgia State. Jesus! And what the fuck is wrong with this bitch? Honey, if you don’t want his ass (and looking at him I can understand why) LEAVE A FUCKING NOTE, pop a Xanax and then go to Vegas with your 14 bridesmaids and get your freak on!
Who knew the Bitch was funny?
Why is the press so surprised that Laura Bush can read a script and punch a line? This weekend, the First Lady rescued her husband from having to talk by “interrupting” his speech before the National Press Club or whatever and delivering several well-scripted jokes. Really, the bitch did a good job! And what I mistook all this time as the impact of good meds was clearly only a healthy sense of humor… and the knowledge that her husband is a freakish dumb ass who sleeps 16 hours a day has done nothing to dim the satanic glow from Laura’s eyes. See, Laura is the guardian of the dark side’s puppet – Scooter. She’s just doing her job by smiling and waving and telling him to wipe the drool from his chin. God, knowing that she’s the devil’s minion makes her almost likable!
ABB’s Weekend Out and About
This weekend a bitch was busy! I volunteered at a garage sale fundraiser that made a ton of money. Then I attended a barbeque. Sunday I attended A Tasteful Affair, which is an annual eat-fest. It also raises money for Food Outreach, which is a charity that feeds multitudes of people. A bitch’s heart was warmed. But more importantly, my belly was full of ribs and cheesecake. My Weight Watcher points were shot to hell, chil’ren!
Sunday evening I put on my party gear and headed over to Hairball to see and be seen. Lots of good hair and pretty people. Kudos to all the hair artists who performed and raised money to benefit abused women! It was a scene and a half. Lots of fantabulous people. Oh, and a certain bitch known to you all as... RuPaul.
Miss Ru, why are you such a greedy bitch? Why won’t you let people take pictures during your concerts? Why did you need to be paid in cash before your ass would take the stage? Why did you have a tired ass stage show and weak assed outfits? Did you borrow that deflated wig? Can a bitch still be considered a Diva after roaming about the stage grabbing dollar bills like a starving refuge at the U.N. food distribution site grabs a bag of rice?
Is you broke, Miss Ru?
Well, your ass sho’ is tired….
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