Thursday, May 05, 2005

Pray, bitch! Pray!

Today is apparently the National Day of Prayer. Since I’m a confessed heathen, I was unaware of that until I drove past a group of "the faithful" crowded around the tortured image of Christ on a stick outside of a school. There was a huge banner declaring that we heathens should PRAY!

A bitch isn’t all that into prayer. I trust that any higher power has her shit together and knows what to do and when to do it. Isn’t it a wee bit insulting to assume that The Devine One needs a to-do list from us? My ass can’t even balance my checkbook.

How legitimate is a National Day of Prayer anyway? Are these people really praying or sorta-praying because Scooter declared that today we should all…well…pray? What are we to pray for? Do we get to pick?

Assuming that we get to choose our topic and always the patriotic bitch (when my ass feels like it, duh), I summoned all my will and mentally dialed up the Devine Diva.

ABB’s National Day of Prayer Conversation with the Devine Diva

So, like, I never know how to kick this shit off. Please forgive a bitch for a bad introduction! Anyhoo, I’m sure you know how I’ve been and I’m sure your life is pretty heavenly. Snort! I mean, you being God and all. Double snort!! Well, I’ll stop bullshitting and get right to the things that I feel may have fallen through the cracks due to more pressing issues like ensuring a culture of life and Terri Schiavo.

Could you do something about Ann Coulter? I worry about her so! She’s growing more and more bitter and dysfunctional. You’ve noticed that too? Yeah. Maybe you could find someone for her to love and be loved by? I know that’s a tall order, her being the devil’s minion. But she’s still one of your people, even
if she’s fallen from your grace and is deserved of the full enveloping horror of hell. Don’t you have someone out there who has a penance to pay? Hook them up! Screwing Ann’s got to be equal to hot coals or self-whipping! You get on that!

I know it’s not life threatening, but please step in and save cable/satellite television from those hypocritical debaucherous assholes in Washington. They have ruined network television and now they’ve set their sights on my pay shit. You must stop them! A nation of reality weary viewers is counting on you! Great! Thanks!

This may sound nuts, but could you do away with…well…religious people? Before you jump to conclusions let me elaborate! Not truly spiritual people. They also get on my nerves, but they have value and I can usually avoid them. No, I mean those folks who talk a good game (lots of “Giving honor to God” and “First, let me give the glory to God”) but really are rotten to the core. Yeah, like Tom DeLay! Get rid of those folks. They are fucking up your brand identity, girl! Trust me! Yeah, the whole right side of Congress! You got it! Great. Thanks a bunch.

Well, I don’t want to tie up the line. I’ll letcha go. Really, you read my blog? Thanks, glad you like it. Toodles!

Have a great day of prayer and an even better night of sin...


Brammert said...

Hey guys,

Just want to let you know that I think that Jesus Christ is cool. And, yes, he listens to our prayers even the ones that aren't so well pronounced or spelled correctly. So I wish you blessings of God... and answers to your prayers.

Jeffrey Ricker said...

Oh, I gave myself to Jesus and does he ever call me? No.

This has to be my favorite line: "Get rid of those folks. They are fucking up your brand identity, girl!"

A bitch has a point. It's all about the branding.

Maven said...

Hey there, woman. I am posting today regarding the things that I learned today, and thank you for letting me know that today is the National Day of Prayer... I'll be sure *NOT* to participate in that spectacle! Givin' you some linky love this a.m., and my own little commentary on my justification in avoiding today's theme:)

U.N. Known said...

National Day of Prayer? I now know what the Netherlands have been missing all this time. No wonder this country's going to hell...(no pun intented). " Jesus Christ is cool " That girl cracks me up.

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