Monday, May 23, 2005

Grab a seat...stay awhile!

Hi. Welcome to! My name is AngryBlackBitch and I’ll be your writer this morning. Our specials today are…

ds_allen.jpgThat Silver Ring Thing
A bitch caught 60 Minutes yesterday, and boy was it worth it! Ed Bradley did a piece on The Silver Ring Thing, which is a Virginity Pledge cult that preaches abstinence-only until marriage. The ministry was defending itself against recent data that shows that these pledged virgins don’t use protection when they fall from grace and get some. Blah, blah, blah. What do you expect to happen when you remove sex ed. from the classroom and then ask a teen to abstain based on faith? If this bitch had a dollar for every married-before-God man and woman who’s tried to get in my pants I’d be living large in the South of France! So what makes us think the electric youth are going to fair any better on the faith alone?

Anyhoo, the best part of the segment was when Claude Allen, the President’s domestic policy advisor on the promotion of the absence of sex, was interviewed. If a bitch had smell-o-vision the distinctive scent of lavender would have filled up my smoke filled room!

Hmmm. How does one put this gently?

Claude? Change starts from within, honey! Don’t keep “it” in the closet.

A bitch thinks thou doeth gay-hate and sex-abstain too much...

Why are you yelling at me? Don’t you know who my huuuusband is?
First Lady Laura Bush made a trip on our dime to the Middle East. Draped in her best knock-off Jackie O. black lace scarf-like thing, Laura attempted to charm the locals by bowing her head and ducking for cover. The press seemed shocked that both Jews and Muslims in Israel heckled the First Lady. A bitch would like to point out to the American media that not everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid. But, hats off to Laura B. for accomplishing what her huuuusband Scooter hasn’t been able to do in Israel; get Jews and Muslim to unite under a single policy… which was to make sure the very flat-tongued and bright eyed Laura got the verbal ass whooping her huuuuusband isn’t man enough to face.

There’s your souvenir honey! Now you go on home and take that message to Scooter. Go on, now!

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I wonder what it would be like to be Rush Limbaugh.
Rush Limbaugh has got it made. He does! His ass is still on the air stirring up shit and tossing out lies. He still lives in an amazing pad. I believe that he’s still boning Daryn Kagan from CNN. Oh, and he can still afford Roy Black as a lawyer. The last one is important, because Rush hasn’t seen any parts of a jail cell even though he is guilty as a fox with a chicken in its fucking mouth.

Let’s all say it together, shall we? Rush Limbaugh is a fucking drug fiend!

I adore the word "fiend", because it really does sum up the fact that a broke Rush would be handing out $5 blowjobs on MLK Blvd. for a hit. But Rush has money, honey! So, the drug policy gets…well…revised for his ass. No jail, even though it’s been a while since he confessed to popping illegal pills. No prosecution, even though prosecutors have him scoring extra pills through his housekeeper. No punishment at all, because Rush is a card carrying member of the privileged elite. And I hate him! And I hate the fucking prosecutor for not having the decency to put his ass behind bars for a crime poor people go to federal prison for. Justice ain’t blind when your ass is holding some fucking cash…it’s just a greedy money hungry whore.


Lisa said...

Seriously, I just love you. Can you come live with me and we will make snarky comments and drink tequila til our eyes bleed?

GN said...

The American Taliban strikes again. Where is Janet Reno when you need her to bust up a cult? Do they have a similar silver ring pledge concerning bestiality? Because according to Fox, everyone of common sense knows that fucking farm animals is the way to go. And these people want to impose their sickness on children?

As for Laura, she's a moron. I wonder if this trip was motivated by a suddenly urgent need for Jeff Gannon to get a couple more passes to the White House?

Spot on about Rush. This individual has hooped and hollered about mandatory sentences for drug users for years. Not only is he not in jail, but his credibility among his sheepish audience remains as high as ever. Someone made the most profound statement on Kos today: "Most propaganda is not designed to fool the critical thinker but only to give moral cowards an excuse not to think at all."

Rush is a proven whore and liar; his credulous audience are moral cowards.

dmfinny said...

You need to get outta my head!

Seriously, I decided to watch Star Wars Dos instead b/c I knew there'd be some big piece 'o chicken-eatin' rip-off moron preacher talking out the side of his neck about abstinence. Here's my 2 cents, and then I'll shut the fuck up. Ever notice the abundance (no pun intended) of fat women and fat queens in the church? Here's why: instead of having sex, they're eating. Eating=pleasure and no hell (but don't ask Dante), sex=pleasure, but hell. Oh, and half of these forked-tonguers are bonin' the same kids they're telling not to have sex. Blow jobs and anal sex count, fucktard!

Tiger Lilly said...

But dmfinny, I think everyone has forgotten that gluttony is also sinful, whether it is stashing away mounds of cash or gorging on triple cheese burgers. I feel you honey! What's more interesting is that the most fucking in the church is done by the ministers. They get more ass than a rock star, and then turn around to preach fire and brimstone to the dillusional masses. Bastards!

Afroprof said...

Hold on, now. How are fat black women at church relevant to the misdeeds of the church deacons and pastors? And how exactly do you know that fat women aren't getting any sex? Did you ask them? Was a sign posted? The last triple chesseburger I saw being consumed was in front a skinny white boy at Applebees.

There are plenty fat Italians who eat well and also get play. And there are thin French people who eat well and also get play. How does being fat and being unsexy tie together, besides through ignorance? Because there are plenty of anorexic chicks who are also not getting laid, and they're not gorging on cheeseburgers either.

Shark-fu said...

ABB would like to note, for the record, that lack of sex and the need to feed are not always connected. However, lack of sex can drive this bitch to hit the cheesecake with a vengence.

Oh fuck. Now y'all have a bitch thinking about cheeseburgers and cake!

Tiger Lilly said...

The point of dnfunny's comment was not about fat people being (forgive me for this) unfuckable, but the fact that many women actively engage in one "sin" over another. Clearly overeating is less of a sin than getting freaky. And it is no secret that when it comes to eating disorders, white women may starve themselves, but many Black women tend overeat. But that is besides the point. It's easy to be put off by the language, but the point I took away from that was:

"Eating=pleasure and no hell, sex=pleasure, but hell."

It's the fact that having sex is made out to be the worst possible sin...above all others except murder.

I don't think it was implied that larger people can't get any, but that many use food as a diversion.

And I was talking about gluttony in general, not just about overeating. I actually mentioned overeating and money in the same sentence.

Trust me, there are plenty of big girls getting more loving than me, and I am 116 lbs. Hell, I can't give it away at this point.

"How are fat black women at church relevant to the misdeeds of the church deacons and pastors?"

Having been a member of a very traditional Southern Black Baptist Church this is my take on that issue...and it is more about black women in church in general. The illicit behavior of many a pastor has been condoned/overlooked/swept aside by their congregations. I know of several instances where there was evidence of an affair between a pastor/deacon/etc and a female member of the church, and it has always been the women of the church who ask her to leave instead of him. It is the women in the church who enable the men and allow them to get away with a lot of dirt. It's no secret that the real organizing power in MANY churches is the women.

Having re read the comments, I just realized that no one said big women weren't getting any or weren't sexy. It just was not said. Maybe the topic is a sore spot for some, but that idea just was not put out there. I could be wrong, but I read that comment as saying that many women heed the advice of their religious leaders when it comes to sex, but find themselves overeating as a diversion/stress outlet.

Shark-fu said...

Facinating! I getcha.

Afroprof said...

I completely agree on most of what you said. Women are the backbone of most black congregations. They keep the black church going through fundraising and staff support, and congregations are also culpable when a pastor steps out of line but retains his job. But, congregations are made up of men and women. Not just fat women, but men and women, fat and thin. No one part of the congregation should answer for the sins of the pastor. I'm just saying that let's make men and women responsible for tossing a whoring pastor out on his $500 coat-tails.

How about this for a tautology:
Eating= staying alive, and for some, satisfaction.
Sex= For some, satisfaction.

If not having sex and not eating are sure paths to the sweet hereafter, then only a very select number of the human population can keep their dates with St. Peter.

dmfinny said...

Sorry, wasn't trying to say big girls weren't fuckable -- I'm certainly gettin it on the regular, and so is my wife, but I digress.

The point I was making was explained by Tiger Lilly: too often one "sin" (usually sex) is substituted with something else (usually food), or the sin is either taken to excess or just done in the dark, figuratively speaking. Or, as TL also explained (holla!) the pastor dips in a honey pot that ain't his, but he gets to keep his job and she gets the boot -- happened to a friend of mine in my childhood church.

BTW, one of my favorite lit works is Dante's Inferno. You gotta lova cat who can think up punishments based on your sins. The gluttons get to spend eternity buried in a pool of rotten food!

Apologies to any big girl, or otherwise, who may have been offended. Here's to everybody gettin' some sooner rather than later!

Tiger Lilly said...

Whew! I'll try to make sure I am saying what I mean from here on.

I hope we are understanding each other better. I love you heifers. You make my days sparkly.

Relax! Relate! Release!

Afroprof said...

It's all good on my end. My reaction was a knee-jerk one. But had I known that the black church was such a passion pit, I would have started going regularly. But, then I heard that plagiarism is as rampant in today's church sermons as it is in freshmen composition essays.

My-Juno said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
littlem said...

"As for Laura, she's a moron. I wonder if this trip was motivated by a suddenly urgent need for Jeff Gannon to get a couple more passes to the White House?"


Y'all get some sleep now. It's gonna be a long two years.