And all this before my second cup of coffee.......

A bitch woke up before the alarm today. Shuffling to the kitchen, I quickly made a perfect cup of coffee with 1% milk and Splenda (calories, calories!), grabbed 2 Excedrin, popped 2 Sudafed and dropped two eye drops per eye to make that grit go away........

Then I settled down for some morning television.

Today Show Offerings
Michael Jackson's Accuser's Momma's Welfare Fraud
It seems that the Accuser's Momma claimed not to own shit even though she had just hustled over $100,000 from JCPenney in a bullshit lawsuit.

ABB observation - If everyone who committed welfare fraud in Los Angeles were excluded from testifying in a trial, the criminal justice system would go out of bit-ness. Fraud goes with Welfare like Flies go with Shit. Get over it, people! And someone tell Katie that if her ass goes one more shade lighter on the highlights her hair will dis-a-fucking-pear. Tacky 'ho. And what's with the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation button having outfit? Katie pleeeeeeease! A sistah doesn't need to be confronted with that shit in the morning! Made my eyes hurt.

Plastic Surgery Nightmare
Some Latina with an unfortunate dye job (think Elvira) went to some plastic surgeon who "Possessed all the things that would lead someone to think he's a doctor". Meaning his ass had some photo's of celebrities on the wall, nice couches and a green lab coat. It turns out that his brother was the doctor, but the dude went ahead and performed surgeries anyhoo. Children, this is Darwinian. If your ass is dumb enough to go to a plastic surgeon without checking his ass out to see if he is certified, you deserve the fucked up cottage cheese looking stomach you end up with! Shit, your ass is lucky to be alive!

ABB observation - One should look for a surgeon with the same care one takes in choosing shoes. You would never buy the first pair you liked, would you? So why is your dumb ass selecting a surgeon because he hired a decorator for his office and owns a green lab coat? Dumb lumpy stomach having 'ho!

Cruise from Hell
So, these people are on a cruise and it gets hit with a 7 story wave that floods the cabins and wrecks the boat.

ABB observation - Is this news? Why is your ass on a cruise anyway? After all those food poisonings, you won't see this Black Bitch on a cruise unless I get sentenced to one. And why are you looking shocked that a fucking boat got hit by a wave on the ocean? The wave belonged there; it was your tan seeking ass that was out of place! Stick to land or suffer the consequences! Crazy motherfuckers.

Moment of joy brought on by unfortunate media placement....
Why did a Royal Caribbean commercial come on immediately after the Cruise from Hell segment? Why? And why did that simple media placement fuck-up bring me so much joy? My ass literally snorted java!

ABB Thinking Fondly of Sunday Morning television Before Hitting the Shower to begin Monday......
On a serious note, ABB would like to express her sincere gratitude to Tom DeLay and all his Republican homeboys for providing one of the best Sunday morning corruption scandal stories since Halliburton's $100 per cheeseburger overcharge incident post non-competitive bid win!

Hey Tom!?! A Bitch needs a vacation! Hows about I rustle up some votes for your ass and you book the Congressional plan to Tahiti?

Fuck me, I love democracy in action!

I was able to enjoy your ritualized media beating from Meet the Press all the way into Wolf Blitzer. Thank you, Tom. Don't you dare change. This shit should satisfy the bitch in me well into the mid-term elections!

Bitchfirmations

I am a Feministah; a true blend of old school feminist and Sistah. Since tonight is Venus Envy (come one and come all to see my ultra-fabulous dred-headed sister perform some 'Gina Monologues), my thoughts have turned to the state of feminism in America. Conclusion - most women are confused as hell and messed up in the head.

With songs featuring shout outs to all the "Baby's Mommas" and re-touched print images that feature unnaturally thin Amazons, women are simply fucked in the head. Everyday I come in contact with some chic who's messed up about herself and seeking a consultation from an Angry Black Bitch. It's amazing, because my truth often stings; obviously these people find pleasure in the pain. Sigh. All I can do is wonder at the lack of self esteem, bitch power and fierce defiance in most of my fellow females.

How do I stay so on top of my shit? I'm glad you asked! At least once a day I indulge in a moment of bitchfirmations. Affirmations are too A.A. for me, so I've modified the theory to fit into...well......a bitch's lifestyle, so to speak.

In an effort to uplift woman-kind I will divulge a few of my favorites.....

Bitchfirmations of an Angry Black Bitch

When I look in the mirror before leaving for work.....
Damn! You look fine! Even with that extra weight around the middle, bitch you look good! Lift your head up, throw your shoulders back and walk bitch! Walk!

When I'm about to go into a meeting of bitter back stabbing ho's (my Black women's group meetings)
Girl, please! You know these bitches all want to be you. Can you blame them for being envious hating ho's? Remember - you are the shit, you are too together for words and smaller minded people just can't handle that shit! Breath in. Check the lipstick (bless you, oh God of M.A.C.) and walk bitch! Walk!

When dealing with a moment of hormonally driven uncertainty.....
What the fuck is your problem?! This shit happens every month and you do the same fucking thing each time; sit on the couch watching Forensic Files and dreaming of caramel ice cream while trying not to cry at nothing in particular. Pull your ass together, bitch! Now repeat after me.....I am the shit, ice-cream is a "sometimes food" and this cursed shit will all be over in another 48 hours. Now change the channel to E!, drink two glasses of water and fucking chill bitch! Chill!

Carpe Bitchdom!

I'll see y'all at Venus Envy.....where all the cool boys and girls gather to get their Envy on!

Religiosity and the modern bitch.....

Billy Graham was on CBS again this week. He was in rare form and had musical guests and a stage show of sorts. I had managed to drink him off my mind, but today when scrolling through the web was confronted with yet more religiosity. Conservatives are having a National Day of Truth to counter the LGBT student led National Day of Silence. The National Day of Silence is done to mark the silencing of LGBT youth in schools by homophobic oppression.

All this counter propaganda makes me sick. It reeks of the corruption of power and just isn't very cool. I remember when Christians were the nice kids who always gave me some of their Fruit Rollups at lunch. These Modern Christians (at least the loud microphone holding ones) are angry judgmental vengeful people who have taken on the superior attitude of ...well...Fascists. They've corrupted the brand, so to speak.

I am not a "person of faith". I'm not a "value voter". I'm just a bitch trying to find her way in the modern world.

Hey Billy Graham, what do you have in your back of tricks for me?

Graham "God is challenging you to be a better person and to live in His will!"

ABB "Look, I need more specifics than that religious rhetoric provides. What the fuck does "live in his will" mean? Speak English! Aren't you from West Virginia? It's the law now. So cut the sound bites, drop that "equally yoked" crap and tell it like it is".

Graham with a sigh "I am only an instrument of God. I don't know........"

ABB angrily interrupts "What the fuck does that mean!!?!? Listen, I don't go to church because I find it a bastion of hypocrisy. I can't stomach ministers speaking of sacrifice and humility while sporting $500 suits and driving $75,000 cars. And I really don't think a fellow messed up person is in the moral position to judge me or who I sleep with or how I do it. I've read the bible in English and Latin, motherfucker, and it does not contain a rating system for sin. So, what the fuck?".

Graham "You know what, you're right. I can't stand these people either. I'm trying to get out of my contract so I can get right with God before my days end. Thank you, Angry Black Bitch! Thank you for showing me the light !! These people have corrupted me and now I am free! I's free!!".

ABB "Your work is not done, my son. Go forth and preach the gospel of individual responsibility and human decency!" Thunderbolts crash and torrential rains pour! ABB raises her wooden staff above her head and shouts to the clouds.....

Hold it.

My bad.

I've got to stop mixing Sudafed with Benadryl and Vodka Crans while watching televised religion. It's enough to give a bitch a Moses complex in place of a hangover.....

Uteruses R Us.......

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world........

Rent-A-Uterus
Okay, this crazy bitch decides to become a surrogate for some unfortunate couple who has been trying to have a baby for 9 years. 9 freakin years! Adopt, for the love of God! I don't understand this shit. I'm not at all maternal - my dog Betsey is as close as I plan to come to motherhood and her ass gets on my nerves regularly. But why rent a uterus? And who rents out their fucking uterus anyway? This chick wanted to earn some extra cash, so she agrees to carry a child to term. In a sick twist of fate, she gets knocked up with a full litter - five fucking babies are now growing and feeding off of her body systems. Nasty! Nasty, nasty, nasty! Just the thought of five things moving around down there makes me freak the fuck out! Now here's the kicker.......she's not going to take the money because she feels bad that the egg donor and her huuuusband are going to be stuck trying to raise 5 fucking babies!

What the FUCK?!?! Thank goodness Katie and the Today Show team was there to donate a cart of baby shit from Target. That should come in real handy! ABB wishes women would grab hold of reality; embrace the fact that they weren't meant to have biological children and fucking adopt. There are plenty of nappy-headed chil'rens waiting for your ass. Jesus!

Baby Spears
Does the world really need another redneck? Britt......honey.....why are you trying to have this man's baby? Did you forget how you got his ass in the first place? Allow me to refresh your memory! His first baby's Momma was knocked up with her second child - swollen, bloated, heavy and producing stretch marks like Ford made cars in 1920. Her ass wasn't giving him any and was probably bitchy to boot. While she was elevating her swollen assed feet you flashed that unnaturally white smile and wiggled that cellulite free ass and took her man! Hello! This shit ring a fucking bell!!

Honey, you married a motherfucker who clearly will leave a bitch pregnant. And you can bet there is a long line of money hungry ho's dreaming of cashing in on your alimony checks! Whatever, bitch! And of course he wanted a baby. He's flipped the ghetto gender switch on you, girl! Now that you're bound by blood you will never get rid of his ass! Tattoos can be removed, but a baby's Daddy is a lifetime regret.

So congrats to the new class of future parents! ABB's going to settle down and watch this E! True Hollywood Story work itself out. Think about it as the red-necked version of Bobby and Whitney. Brittany's a year away from the beginning of her cocaine addiction phase......Sorry assed, crazy, barefoot-walking-into-gas station bathrooms, ghetto wedding having, no talent demonstrating, about to get big as a house red-necked bitch!

Lord have mercy!

Breaking News - West Virginia Votes to Make English the Official State Language

The Official Language of the State of West Virginia is now English.

From the ABB International Post
Desperate West Virginians are jamming the Hooked on Phonics web-site and 1 (800) number as the realization that few West Virginians actually speak English sinks in. Fear and panic has swept the state and crisis hotlines are stretched beyond capacity as thousands take to the hills for fear of a "proper" speaking mandate. Sadly, a certain segment is totally unaware of the change because they simply didn't understand the announcement.

Next time a state gets uppity with language, please let it be one who's local linguistic liberties don't already qualify as a second language. Jesus!

The Crack Ho Next Door

I stay in South City. South City is a complex mix of cultures and economic status. We also boast the Missouri Botanical Garden, Gringo Jones and Tower Grove Park. I'm sure there's more......but who gives a shit about the Home Depot?

Anyhoo, in my special section of 'hood there is a phenomenon that I refer to as.......the Crack Ho next door. It's a unique take on fashion that is not entirely unique to St. Louis, but I swear this shit has been perfected here. I see Crack Ho fashion all over the place! From the raggedy hair that needed a retouch (see ethnic hair care/relaxer) 6 months ago to the tore up clothing and that unforgettable "hooker walk". Let me be clear, I do not think these folks are actually Crack Ho's nor am I convinced that they are on their way to Hoing by being major Crack fiends. Crack isn't even a St. Louis drug - we're meth people mostly (not I, of course, Mr. DEA Agent reading ABB's blog under the protection of the Department of Homeland Security ****nervous smile***).

Nope.....these people have adopted a fashion statement that screams my ass is po' and I don't give a fuck no mo'!!

How To Achieve The "Crack Ho" Look

1. Wash...... but don't moisturize. Dry ashy cracked skin is a plus.
   
2. Over pluck your eyebrows and do not, I repeat do not put any other make-up on! Exception - Vaseline on the lips applied liberally for special occasions like 4am beer drinking festivals or burn-the-neighbor's-house-down barbeques.
   
3. Either don't do your hair or, if you do get it done, cover that shit up with a rag (preferably a scanky rag).
   
4. Walk around all day and night in your raggedy assed houseshoes (non-Southerners see slippers).
   
5. Talk loud and mad - shit, SHOUT everything and never pronounce anything right.
   
6. Eat bad and drink cheap - discolored skin produced by chronic malnutrition highlights the ash and gives you that "to' up ho'" look.
   
7. Have bad assed children - keep them dirty, illiterate and teach them to tear up other peoples shit.
   
8. Litter. When you finish a bag of chips, throw that shit on the ground where you stand! A foul assed neighborhood is a Crack Ho' paradise!
   
9. Perfect the art of walking....with....extreme....slowness... Where is your ass rushing to anyway? Put a scowl on your face, grab one of you dirty bad assed kids and roam bitch....roam!
   
10. Don't work and don't move from your perch on the porch. Exceptions - trips to the corner store to buy lotto tickets and faux attempts to discipline your raggedy assed children when they attempt to set the rehab up the street on fire.

ABB is concerned that the rising property values in South City will drive the Crack Ho' fashionistas out! Who will break the beer bottles in front of my home? Who will produce tore up children to torture me with screaming and fighting in the street?

What will become of the Crack Ho' next door? I actually think I'll miss her.....but her evil assed pyromaniac children can get the fuck out!

Venus Envy

I've got to give a major shout-out to my sister Crystal who will be performing selections from The Vagina Monologues, this Friday April 15 at 9pm at Venus Envy 2005.

Work it girl! Work it!

Venus Envy 2005
April 15 and 16
7pm to Midnight
On Manchester at various locations
$5 to $10 donation at the door

Venus Envy is the ever expanding all female art extravaganza. It's also a party and a half.

My sis has stepped up to perform, continuing her yearly tradition of trying something new. She's been to the Canadian Arctic to hang with Polar Bears, relocated and changed careers and radically changed her hair. Now, for 2005, Crystal will embark upon her exploration of the performing arts and the craft of acting.

I love this shit!

A bitch has to admire someone willing to try new things and challenge herself.

ABB wants to congratulate Crystal and all the performers of Venus Envy 2005! I promise to bring hordes of fans and attendees, each fired up to get their Venus on!

Philosophicals

El Tigre
I'm happy for Tiger. He won his 4th Masters and it was all dramatic & tension ridden. He dedicated it to his father, who's sick. Being a twisted bitch, I was more interested in the appearance of his new wife. Tiger's wife is suspiciously pretty. You know what I mean. She's prettier than he would get if he were just your average large toothed big-eyed multi-racial dude at the bar. I mean, she's pretty enough to even overcome the painfully blond over-processed Nicole Brown Simpson hair! But Tiger is not all that cute. He's got a nice bod for a golfer, but those bubble eyes and huge teeth.......well.....it makes one wonder about the legitimacy of their relationship! Anyway, I watched the file footage of the couple walking into some awards show and was stunned by Mrs. Tigre's obvious boob implants. These were middle class fake boobs - you know where the doctor doesn't even try to make them look natural and the patient makes the "economy purchase" by going a size up from the recommended cup size......as if choosing fake boobs were just like shopping at Wal-Mart and a person would have to be crazy to pass up the economy size! Speaking of faux breasts.....

Silicone
Being a large chested woman, I have never understood why someone would want fake boobs. I'm serious. Real large boobs sag and they don't wait for your ass to hit 30 to start doing it either! Running hurts. Untucked shirts make motherfucker's ask you when the baby is due. I've always wanted to be a low C and shop for fashion bras rather than the industrial bolder holders I've been stuck with most of my life. Sigh......Now the FDA is considering bringing silicone breast implants back. These things ruptured internally oozing globs of destructive silicone into the patient's body cavity. Nasty! I'm vain as the next person, but surgical alterations should be.....well.... undetectable and safe?! Like getting your ears pierced. And I shouldn't know if you had a nose job. I should just notice that you've got a Liz Taylor nose! However, there is something Darwinian about it. Speaking of Darwin......

Panda Porn
The Panda's have successfully fucked. The freaks at the zoo apparently taped it. How can an Angry Black Bitch score some Panda Porn? Did these people ever wonder if the Panda's weren't fucking because 70 PhD's were watching and whispering? Talk about a mood killer! Congrats, my Pandiferic friends. May your Panda-child's life be filled with abundant bamboo and random incidents of public sex. Speaking of getting fucked in full view.....

DeLaying Gratification
Poor Tom DeLay. He's sooooo fucked! I must admit that I enjoyed watching him pull issues out of his Nixonian hat in a desperate attempt to distract the media from their feeding frenzy over his unethical behavior. I'll never forget Tom parading the "protection of life" issue around during the Schiavo case like a pimp on Broadway working his best Ho. Priceless! But the Dems need to time this shit perfectly. Don't feed upon him like a shark, rending flesh from his political limbs with such ferocity that the crowd actually begins to pity the victim. Let's take this fucker down slowly...... so that he feels every inch of that knife sliding ......slowly.......painfully......into his corrupt-assed unethical back.

Ahhhh! It's enough to make a bitch smile and mean it......

Last night I was so hoping for good television, which for me includes the proper mix off illicit sex and violent serial killers. But noooo! It was another 24-hour dead Pontiff festival. Even Bono got in on the action by waxing on and on about how cool the Pope was for wearing his tired assed sunglasses. Not being a Catholic or terribly religious, I decided to educate myself by viewing some films from the ABB filmographical library.

The Mission (2 Vodka Cocktails and several Cigs)
Bobby DeNiro and Jeremy Irons channel the spirit of God as Jesuits tramping around in South America trying to save noble natives from the greedy assed colonials. The Catholic Church comes off real bad in this film as they willingly turn a blind eye to the mass enslavement of native people in an effort to retain control (meaning money) over the rebellious colonial powers. The Jesuits come off real cool as they take up arms and defend the noble native people in a failed effort to keep The Mission from turning into a slave recruitment farm. Great music, beautiful scenery and Jeremy Irons plays some flute like thing in the forest.

Agnes of God (2 Vodka Cocktails and I matched Fonda Cig for Cig)
It doesn't get any better than this shit! Anne Bancroft goes toe to toe with the fantabulous Jane Fonda in this "real Catholics bleed from their palms" drama. Meg Tilly has great skin and milks a cow. Catholics come off as hard working hysterics who toil and pray and then the womens lock themselves in at night. The nunnery reminded me a wee bit of my freshman dorm complete with bitchy backstabbing bitches, cold assed snow covered windows and random sexual escapades that everyone denies in the morning. Anne is great and defiant, but she's unable to redeem the Church as everything goes to shit, Meg admits killing her baby and Jane forces her to spontaneously bleed. And what's with this bleeding shit, anyway? Freaky.

Elizabeth (Untold Vodka Cocktails and the rest of the fucking pack)
Sir John Gielgud as the Pope. What more can I say? These were some mean assed money hungry Catholics who conspired to kill Elizabeth 'cause she was going to take all their power away. My girl Cate Blanchett was denied an Oscar for this shit! Liz gets laid by her Boo, avoids getting poisoned by a dress, gets her hag on with what's his face who plays a cool Wiz-esque advisor, then she gets played by her man and sets about killing motherfuckers and cutting off all her hair. The final scene is an ode to drag with Liz in full makeup, a towering wig and one bad assed white jewel encrusted dress-like-thing! Am I drunk or is Elizabeth an undercover Sistah!?!

Angela's Ashes (3 glasses of water, 2 Sudafed, 3 Benadryl & 1 Claritin)
By now you've figured out that my ass is suffering from a bout of insomnia. At this point a bitch has to say Fuck It and dig in for the long hall. This movie is a true pisser. Why come home girl don't just tell her huuuusband NO, get off me motherfucker!! I don't want no more babies!! Angela is a breeding machine, her children are hungry and dirty and generally miserable. She's married to a complete loser - look up nightmare husband in the dictionary and you'll find his ass smiling back at you. Catholics come off as insane in this movie and not very family friendly, since they turn away this hungry mother and force her children to steal coal. Not the film to play during the membership drive, but this it is a 2-hour lesson in why we need birth control and family planning classes.

By now I'm buzzing and confused as hell as to why the media is jerking off the church when they seem to have a history of bad political policy, greed and family destruction. Not to mention the whole bleeding from the palms thing. I turn to CNN - it's Anderson Cooper!! Great hair. Ask the priest why they let those colonialists enslave the natives, Anderson! Ask him why come they keep those nuns locked up all day long? And what about the spontaneous palm bleeding? Fuck it, can one of you ass kissing motherfuckers bring up the whole legacy of rampant AIDS in Africa topic?

Shit.......A bitch is tired!

Lower volume. Sip water. Belch. Pass out.

Ambush at the Walgreen's

My world is designed so I can purchase all my necessary items within a 5-mile radius. Last week I traveled up the street and around the block to "my Walgreen's" to make my monthly purchase of pharmaceuticals. After scoring some Sudafed (for non-Missourians, this is an ordeal because the Meth crisis has made buying Sudafed harder than scoring crack), I made my way to the pharmacy to buy .....well.....more drugs. I waited in line behind a large raggedy man of color who seemed generally agitated and anxious to make his purchase.

Of course, I began to wonder what he was so anxious to get. Was he out of Lithium? Did the next five minutes mean the difference between mental balance and a bi-polar incident? Should I leave and check out the cheap assed lipsticks just in case his ass trips out?

Then it happened. This nasty assed tore up uneven Afro having man turned around a tried to pick my ass up!

He had been looking around and must have picked me up in his peripheral vision. Turning fully around, he looked me up and down with blood shot eyes. Licked his dry assed cracked lips then opened up with "How are you doing?" Unable to escape, I answered with an uninspired "Fine." He went on..."Blah, blah, blah...I hate to wait in line....blah, blah, blah....where you stay at?"

What the fuck? Like I'm going to tell this freak where I live or even the vicinity of where I live. And why is it taking so fucking long for the pharmacy tech to bail me out of this shit??!

Wait. It gets better. His name is called and he says, "Hold on a minute." As if we were actually having a conversation! Turning to the slow assed pharmacy tech he gives his name "Clive or Cletus Threadgood" or something live that ....."No, I just want to pick up my".....drum roll PLEASE......."Cialis."

This nasty motherfucker was there to pick up a fucking erectile dysfunction med.!

Desperate, I pretend to pick up my cell phone and make a call while diverting my gaze. Thankfully, he makes his purchase and, looking back several times to size me up, leaves.

Children, this was an Ah-Ha moment. I now know that cell phones are the greatest invention made by man! But what about me made this man think he could pick me up.....at the fucking Walgreen's!! Jesus! Do I need to take it up a notch? Should I locate my fake wedding ring, which I usually reserve for traveling to New York or on subways? Desperate for clarification, I almost follow him out of the store to conduct an impromptu focus group of one! "Please tell me what about my ABB self made you approach me!"

This soon gave way to reality.....I mean I am sexy as hell......And I was wearing my sassy super satisfied because I scored the 96 count economy pack of Sudafed face......But, damn!

By the time I made it back to my car I had boiled the entire incident down to his sex drive being enhanced by Cialis. Ugghh! I made for the grocery store and shopped one handed, cell phone to my ear, just to be on the safe side......

Give Ann a Chance.....

Today I'm in a pissy mood. I'm clearly PMSing because my "friend" will arrive next week. But, fuck me if the morning news didn't push my hormonal ass over the edge......

After listening to 30 minutes of bullshit and more bullshit my ears pricked up at the mention of Ann Coulter being heckled at some lecture she was giving in Kansas. She made some evil assed comment that made the CNN sound-bite segment, which they rip off from Newsweek each week. Honestly, I'm surprised that Ann got dissed in Kansas. Those are her people, right? It got me thinking about how angry and bitter her pruned up ass is and wondering why she's still so pissed at the liberal left after her people have basically taken over the world. I've come up with one simple conclusion.......Ann Coulter needs to be loved. She's crying out for love!! Not sexual love (though I personally think she'd benefit greatly from a three octave achieving face-contorting screaming five minute orgasm) .....but real emotional love.

See, Ann Coulter has paid her dues. I hate her, but even I have to admit that her evil ass has done the Lord's work for the Republican Party. She's made herself the object of media scorn, published articles so plagued with inaccuracies that she's no longer considered intellectually relevant or sane and attacked liberals with the ferocious dedication of a starved dog. Doesn't she deserve love from her people? Yet, I never see her embraced by Republicans or even invited to sit next to them publicly. Shit, Mary Matlin is loved and gets invited to dinner and she married a fucking Democrat! Yet, Ann Coulter is still the last bitch picked for kickball. It's sad!

Why doesn't Ann Coulter have friends or a husband? She's frightfully thin and wears large freakishly symbolic crosses - doesn't that level of starvation and idol worship turn neo-cons on? Okay, she's not a natural blond and there have been several shocking incidents with tar black roots, but her hair is long and does detract from the general horseyness of her face. Neo-cons need to overlook the fact that she's a faux Aryan and give her a chance! Ann has great legs, if you like that boney blue-veined look. She's well educated on paper and, even though I suspect that she's forgotten almost everything she learned while kissing ass and making enemies at Cornell, she can carry on a conversation as long as it's about how liberals are ruining the world. Neo-con's love rehashing that tired assed shit, right?!?

It's time to find Ann Coulter some love! ABB believes that there is a friend for everyone. If Karen Hughes' rancid ass get's to dance at the barbecue then damnit Ann should too! Otherwise all this morally bankrupt selling of her soul to the devil and sexual repression will have been for naught. So, here goes nothing.....

Dear Conservative America,
Please pick Ann Coulter for the kickball team, invite her to dinner or marry her so she can shut her evil-assed sexually repressed "still bitter because no one wanted to sit next to her on the bus in high school" wanna be Aryan but most likely terrified that someone will find out that her maternal grandparents were "ethnic" .....Ivy League embarrassment ass up!

Royal Wedding

I've had enough of all this bullshit about Prince Charles and his bitch and their messed up wedding. This is the very topic that kicked this fucking blog off!!

I ain't mad at Charles for kickin it with Camilla. I don't understand that shit, but I ain't mad. Now, I do hold his big-eared ass responsible for having no spine 25 years ago when his Momma stepped all up in his business and told him he couldn't marry Camilla 'cause she got her freak on in the 70's. Which boggles the mind......I mean how many men could she have really taken down as ugly as she is.......Never mind - disturbing visual.

Anyhoo, now we've come full circle and once again Charles is fucking shit up and not taking charge. Camilla must really love his ass, because he would have been cussed out and kicked curbside by now with all this "reschedule for the Pope" and "no big assed royal wedding" and "you can't be Queen" bullshit. Oh no he didn't! Camilla needs to discipline and whoop some royal ass......

If Camilla where an Angry Black Bitch she might handle her shit like this........

Camilla to Charles later on this evening "Darling, all I can say is what the fuck? For the life of me I don't understand why we don't just go to Vegas and tell your Mum to step the fuck off?"

Charles, looking peevish "Now Tampon, you know that I'm in a spot. I agree that Vegas would be off the chain, but really Snookums, Mummy would break out in hives! I can't take all this drama!!"

Camilla to Charles (visualize neck jerking) "You know what? Fuck this shit! You need to come correct and pull your ass together 'cause a Sistah can only take so much bullshit before she snaps and kills a motherfucker! Your Momma? Why don't you marry her ass then? Huh? Asshole! Book that shit for Vegas or I'm out. Do you understand me, b'Atch?" .....walks off muttering about bitches-in-law.....

MmmmHmmm. Camilla needs to embrace her inner ghetto!

It's Back.........

Eyes gritty from a weekend of Spring-cleaning and debauchery, I woke up this morning bitter about the time change (who thought of this evil shit?) and generally tired as hell. Prepared coffee. Fixed the perfect cup. Flip to NBC and OOOOOOOHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! It's back!

Return of the Killer Katie Monster
Run for your lives children, Katie is back from vacation!!!! And, let me tell you she's saved up two weeks full of giggly ass kissing banter just for you! Shall we begin?

Quick Re-cap...
Her face is still unable to form emotional expressions, she's fried her hair in a sad attempt to generate highlights and she all but jumped Jack Welch (former boss) during her interview this morning.

The face
Katie is one microdermabrasion treatment away from achieving that overly shiny texture less resurfaced kinda skin that I associate with 97 year old Manhattan socialites and Joan Rivers (yeah, yeah, yeah - what's the difference?). I watched in fascinated horror as Katie attempted to show happiness or furrow her brow in serious contemplation all to no avail. Shocked and saddened, I turned my face away in horror only to be drawn back to the screen just to make sure my eyes didn't deceive me! And that's when I noticed.......

The hair
A good friend of mine who is a hair dresser/hair artist/Aveda goddess told me that she heard from a friend in NYC who used to work with this girl who was friends with this other girl who she went to beauty school with who's former roommate used to be an Assistant at The Today Show, that Katie colors her own hair! So, it must be true!! This all came up because I asked her for her professional opinion of Katie's highlights. See, sometimes Katie's hair looks.....well.....nappy? Yes, nappy is the only proper word to describe it. Basically, her shit looks like she needs a re-touch (non-Sistahs please reference "Relaxer" under Black Hair Care) and I have always been convinced that her need to be blond (as if I didn't know her when she was a bobbed off Brunette with no upper lip, right?!?) has resulted in the systematic frying of her hair. This was confirmed by the friend of a friend of a friend, with the added bonus info. that Katie has done that shit to herself! Un....be..lievable! I should have know that no one would risk their license on that bitches tresses......... But, does she have no friends? Someone needs to intervene and save her before it starts to break off! Stop......rewind.......Katie shedding her hair might just be a fun summer viewing experience! With an evil smirk at the thought of Katie's shedding hairline and resulting weave I tune in for.......

The Interview
Miss Thang to Welch "Before we discuss your self important book, which we are discussing only because you've got our show by the balls due to your massive percent of stock ownership at G.E., please share your thoughts on the Pope and why he was such a great leader? As you know, NBC has been wall-to-wall "Pontiff Death Watch" and we plan to ride this media pony well into next weekend. Jack, please add your insincere platitudes to the pile we're steadily building!

Welch to Katie "God, you are annoying. Yeah, what the fuck, the Pope was cool and he held his shit down even through that sex abuse shit and the rampant spread of AIDS in Africa, which resulted from his outdated policy on contraception. So, okay he was a good leader because he shut down the critics even after he lost the power of speech." "Jesus, can I get a real question already???" "Do you have any fucking idea how early it is, you vampiric bitch?"

Miss Thang to Tyrannical former CEO "Tell me about your book which was ghost written by your much younger wife who's ass I plan to kiss tomorrow in an interview I resent having to do because she's.....well.....your wife is young and smart and got to you before I could catch you in my tangled web of giggly insecure man-hungry......sorry, I don't know what got into me..... Oh, yes the book which adds nothing to the dialogue on leadership in business but which we are discussing because you've got our network by the balls."

Jack "Basically, we pieced this bullshit together from a bunch of info. we picked up while touring the country earning too much money for rambling speeches that I never took the time to prepare for but charged $175 a ticket for because I'm a money hungry greed-whore otherwise known as a CEO."

Miss Thang in textbook ass-kissing mode "Jack, you are so great. Would you like another slow pitch question or have I kissed that ass enough? Did I mention that you.....are.....GREAT!!??

Angry Black Bitch at 8am this morning with sick devious smile and bloodshot eyes.........Finish second cup of coffee, question the justice of daylight savings time again and thank the blogger gods for Katie, The Today Show, Pontifical deathwatches and ratings whores in general!

Freaks, carnivores and bitches.....

Why come people have to front on who they really are? If you a freak.....BE A FREAK!

Shit Angry Black Bitch Don't Front On

Being a Freak
I am a freak. So what? By "freak" I mean truly freaky, unashamed of it and freaky about a multitude of things. I am sorry that I live in a time when most people are repressed and women still publicly claim not to masturbate well into their 30's (Girl, Pleeeaaase ***visualize neck jerk***!). People, this city would be a lot more fun if some of y'all would just get off! With chocolate sauce, a banana, some handcuffs and a selection of good porn. But if that's not your cup of tea, DON'T FUCKING DO IT! Just keep your sexually unsatisfied missionary-position-once-a-year ass away from my fun. And toys. And sex shops conveniently located right off the highway.

Being a Carnivore
I adore red meat. Sorry my vegan friends, but I do love it! I know that it's probably pumped full of hormones and that some poor creature most likely died a suffering death after a lifetime spent in a cage....but I love a good steak cooked just on the edge of bloody. Now, I respect the average political vegan/vegetarian who turns up their nose at my attack on their bovine brethren. Just as long as they know I will beat that ass if it comes between me and my food. But what really annoys me are the assholes...you know the ones, who gave up steak after a full year on Atkins, but want to whine at me about how bad it is for me to still be eating it. Listen - if you did Atkins for a year you took down more beef than my ass will probably eat in a lifetime. Back off my food and try to remember that steak is just one on a long and distinguished list of toxins and pharmaceuticals that I have ingested in my lifetime.

Embracing My Inner Bitch
I am a bitch. I love my fellow bitches. If every now and then you look at someone who is trying to sound interesting and all you can think about is how much you'd just looooove to around-the-world pimp slap their ass......you may be a bitch. If you have to resist the urge to stir up drama and that resistance takes you to the point of physical pain......you may be a bitch. But if you have ever taken a fly outfit from the rack, knew you look-ed good, then took all the other sizes and hid them in the back of the store under some ugly assed sweaters so you wouldn't "see some other bitch up in the spot with this fly ass shit on"....welcome to the club my sistah!

Have a wonderful weekend, get your freak on, eat your ass a steak, and embrace your inner bitch!

Silently Falling Trees

If an anchor leaves a network show that no one is watching does Neilson make a sound?

Ted Koppel is leaving Nightline and ABC at the end of this year. I must confess that I forgot about Ted. And Nightline. Oh, let's be honest I forgot about ABC until Desperate Housewives premiered. It's not that I don't like Nightline, but I usually avoid ABC because of all that family programming. Since my viewing habits lean towards Forensic Files and American Justice (trust me, you will trust no one after watching the art of the kill for a few years), I rarely journey to the overly censored world of the Big 3. No, I didn't forget FOX; I simply choose to ignore them .....like one does a screaming child with a dirty diaper when waiting in line at Target .....you know they are there because of the rank stench, but you avoid eye contact for fear that it might encourage them.

Anyhoo, Ted's leaving. Because he comes off as a pretentious bore who doesn't even have the decency to get his ass kicked off the network as the result of a hugely embarrassing election year fuck up, no one will care. Will there be a three week retrospective followed by the torturous over-hyping of his replacement, like they did for Tom? Will other networks cover it for the scandal angle like they did for Dan? Is Peter Jennings still alive? Who the fuck knows? Somehow the blandness of this exit is fitting.

The 24-hour news cycle has killed the anchor king like video killed the radio star (yeah, now that song is so in your head). Fair thee well Gentle Koppel! There's a stodgy professorship at ***insert pretentious over priced journalism school*** waiting for thee just beyond the forest. Watch out for all those silently falling trees.......

Meditations

Meditation #1
I'm tired of people acting like their issues are automatically my issues. I do not have most people's problems or hang-ups. This should be more than clear. What part of "ABB has her shit together and what she doesn't have together she doesn't give a damn about" do people not understand? What's wrong with some people? I'm sorry, but I just got one too many e-mails today about other people's shit and what I should do to gain understanding about their shit so I don't inadvertently insult their ass. What? I'm certain that I insult someone everyday and you know what? - I'm fine with that! Other people sure seem okay and empowered to inadvertently insult my ass with too many e-mails about whatever insulted them today! So, if your ass is feeling the need for validation I suggest you search for that shit offline! For the record - ABB is secure in her Blackness, confident in the power of her womanhood, certain than she is probably smarter than you, unimpressed with efforts towards "deliberate" inclusiveness and as self-aware as my ass is going to get in this lifetime. Close out the reply you've been typing for the last hour, step away from the computer and do the world a favor by seeking therapy. Again. With some honesty and conviction. Oh, and ask about the pills this time.

Meditation #2
I've had enough of feeding tubes and last minute appeals and conservative acts of civil disobedience. Let's rewind to last year when I endured 12 months of a unified effort to preserve the fucking sanctity of marriage. Well, it's fucking sanctified now, assholes, and that means a woman's huuuuusband can remove her fucking feeding tube and her parents can't do a damned thing about it! Y'all should have thought through that shit.

2004 Republican Campaign Strategy - Marriage is the foundation of American society and deserved of protection. The traditional family (husband, wife, Timmy, Julie and chocolate lab) is a sanctified institution that must be protected constitutionally.

2005 Evil Light of Reality Realization - You really can't turn around and try to undermine marriage through the courts just because "life" is now on the table. What part of "sanctified" and "foundation of American society" do you not understand? I know this shit hurts, but brides should consider the "crazy assed spouse" factor prior to taking their vows. All the women in my family do! Maybe it's because y'all have a sanitized vision of marriage. You probably never envisioned someone wanting their spouse dead. Well, my ass grew up in a family with a 90% divorce rate and several crazy ex-uncles and I knew at an early age that no sane woman would hand over the decision of life or death to the "motherfucker you happen to be kickin it with at the moment" otherwise known as a huuuusband. Shit, I can't even settle on a hairstyle for very long, much less a lover. Anticipate the "his ass might go crazy and try to kill my ass" factor. Then get the fuck off my television with this confused assed bullshit!


And finally....... ABB is sad to hear of the passing of Johnnie Cochran. I really liked him even though I can't remember how to spell his name. Much of my delight over my favorite television show, The O.J. Simpson Trial, came from J.C.'s brilliant strategy and the Dream Team he put together to execute it. Sadly, the passing of Cochran all but guarantees the incarceration of many a celebrity. Oh, Please!! Y'all know J.C. would have gotten Lil Kim's ass off!! Here's hoping he's kickin it in a courtroom in the great beyond, telling Clarence Darrow "if it doesn't fit you must acquit........".

Breaking News - Jesse Jackson Unaware that He Is Irrelevant

Showing clear signs that he still believes that people give a shit about his opinions after his fall from grace (see baby's daddy incident at Rainbow PUSH), the Reverend Jesse Jackson jumped into the pathetic media storm swirling around Terri Schiavo and her fucking feeding tube.

Jesse arrived at the fucking hospice and called on Florida lawmakers to ........well.......break the fucking law and reinsert that fucking feeding tube.

"This is one of the profound moral, ethical issues of our time, the saving of Terri's life," Jackson said "And today we pray for a miracle."

Jesse! My brotha!! Clearly no one has had "the talk" with you and, in light of this recent public display of bullshit, someone has to. Honey? There's no easy way to say this.....but, you have lost the moral authority to use words like....well....moral, ethical and.....what the fuck, throw in miracle while you're at it.

I'm not judging you for getting your freak on with that young sweet thang a few years back. But your ass took life, liberty and the pursuit of ASS too far when you failed to wear a fucking condom and got that tail knocked up. Did Mrs. Civil Rights deserve that?

Having gotten that love thang knocked up wouldn't be all that bad - it happens all the time - but you need to understand that years and years of pontificating about morals and values went right down the toilet when you did it. Hello?!? You're a minister or a reverend or whatever. Here are the rules - ABB can go forth and fuck like a rabbitized freak. You have to turn that ass down and employ the power of prayer.

So, Jesse.....shut your irrelevant ass up. Zip it! And for the love of God, sit your tired Black ass down! Florida and I have had enough of your shit.

Cinema as a Vehicle for Cultural Awareness......

Last night I watched a great documentary on the Sundance Channel or maybe IFC (who can keep them straight?) about the evolution and political impact of Blacksploitation films in the 70's. Let me tell you, I am a real fan of the genre. However, listening to film intellectuals explore the pros and cons of these films did annoy. I don't understand why "visibility" has to be sanitized and why groups tend to show the milk-toast version of their culture rather than just keep it real. I've learned a lot about "the other" through "film".....

Things ABB Learned Through the Magic of Movies

Not all white people are rich. Movies like Coal Miner's Daughter and Angela's Ashes were beneficial because they removed the stigma of privilege created by several John Hughes movies. Growing up, I was convinced that my white neighbors had pristine homes and never argued or had relatives show up out of nowhere and stay for months while stealing appliances and drinking all the "good" booze. Just imagine an alien from outer space learning about our world through the sanitized films of the 80's, with those creepy huge houses in un-named Chicago suburbs. They would think that all homes had fridges full of food, teens all had 90 pairs of jeans and even losers like Ferris went to college. In Hughes films no one is a drunk, cheats on a spouse or hits bottom after a drug frenzy, but blond girls are really mean super-snobs with bitchy eyes. I prefer that the space aliens see the good, the bad and the ugly. Toss in some drama from "the 'holler" and add a dash of cyclical Irish pregnancy/poverty/pregnancy/poverty and that should provide a nice counter-balance.

Not all drug dealers/fiends are Black men hustling the only hustle The Man left them. One of my favorite films is Less than Zero. These kids are too fucked up for words. Being a county brownie, I knew my fair share of druggies - you know the type, the suburban teen who's parents are preoccupied with acquiring shit and going to blame-your-mom-for-all-everything-therapy so he loots the booze by 10, smokes pot by 12, hits bottom in his mid-teens and goes to rehab for a semester before his sophomore year. These people were my friends (Luv Y'all) and we hung in the FreakCrew, glaring at the Izod preppies and smoking Camels during lunch. Watching the opulent corruption of the '80's L.A. "wanna-be" scene all boil down to Robert Downey Jr. giving a blow job to pay off his equally pampered drug dealer turned pimp friend was so real it freakin hurt. And, dare I say, refreshingly so. I thought it was a true acting triumph for Downey until.....well....let's just say it became clear that it wasn't such a stretch, shall we. The added bonuses of flashy cars, a fucked up not-really-pretty-enough-to-be-plausible model/student/heiress/actress, rampant coke use and a cool soundtrack make this movie required viewing in my world.

A young ABB learned that white families were sometimes more fucked up than my own and that drug dealers were not all bitter jive talking Black men with fancy hats and multiple 'hos. Thank God for HBO!

Just behind the Fifth Green......

I woke up this morning planning to post about the new definition of "hypocrite", which will soon be changed in Webster's to simply Tom Delay. Just a wee blip for the children - Tom Delay is the slime from Texas who was in the midst of his second or third ethics investigation in Congress when the scandal Gods bestowed Terri Schiavo and the sanctity of life upon him. Too bad Tom didn't remember that he and his family chose to remove life support from his own father when he was rendered comatose and brain dead a few years back. Nice to have that kinda "choice" isn't it ASSHOLE?

So, what could possibly distract me from such a tasty portion of red meat as a corrupt hypocritical Republican getting fucked by the L.A. Times? Well, I stumbled upon the following blip and it has totally refocused my attention on.........well........Nuevo-riche white flight. MmmmmmHmmmm! Observe....

From the new At Home St. Louis Magazine....or is it St. Louis Magazine At Home?......they might want to rethink that cover art. Hell, they were going to have to rethink it anyway because the only thing sadder than a local "style" magazine is one that attempts to rip off Martha Stewart Living and fails. But I digress.....

(Names have been deleted to protect the pretentious and those suffering from desperate-suburban-name-dropping-itus). Locals - check out the Premier Issue page 6 under Contributors.

Before joining At Home as (delete, because this premier issue ain't exactly resume worthy), held blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah a graduate of (drop name of top Missouri Journalism School), blah, blah began her career in (drop name of major rival city to St. Louis located in Illinois where the shopping is great and all the "ad" people are tops and would never even consider moving to St. Louis, which is why said contributor now has to state that she moved to St. Louis to marry her huuuuuussssssband.....and wait until you see the size of her rock, which she can show you with pictures of her huuuuusssssband purchasing it and a photocopy of the price tag because, of course she saved that shit - hello!). Blah, blah, blah dog and cat.....

Here's what tore my ass up, people!

......they now reside in Winghaven, just behind the fifth green. Yeah, it was that part "just behind the fifth green".

Oh my God! Is that not the tackiest thing ever? Who the fuck names the country club they pay too much money to live on top of in their fucking bio?? Better yet, whom the fuck names the fucking green they pay even more to live right off of in their fucking bio? Oh.......! Oh my God!!!!!!! Un-fucking-believable, gauche, tacky-assed, name droppin freakin 1 and 1/2 hour outside of the real city because you are too scared to let the future Mitzi and Timmy live near Black people and, oh my God all that crime, O’Fallon-living, urban-sprawl creating ho!!

Whew! Oh yes, that felt goooood!

Word to the wise honey - in St. Louis one doesn't drop the name of country clubs that were recently converted from toxic waste dumps. If your ass moves to Ladue and acquires a house on the fifth green of a country club who's members are so blue blood their fucking servants are Mayflower descendents - that's when you can drop that shit into your bio. Okay?

Church

I grew up sort of in the church. We were always late, dressed to kill and generally yawned our way through the service. The traditional Black Baptist church likes to seize the opportunity of a captive audience on Sundays with three to four hours of biblical drama and musical theatre. Our family usually arrived 20 minutes late, copted an attitude over our "bad" seats and then settled down to the business of being bitchy.

My mother was a scandal at our tiny county Baptist church. She looked at church as an opportunity to educate the "peasants" on fashion, which required a proper entrance and a lingering exit all taking place whilst looking down her nose, being standoffish and generally bitchy towards everyone there. Since she's about 4 feet 11 inches that looking down her nose thang was quite an accomplishment.

There was an effort at some point to incorporate Sunday school into our lives. Being a "late" family, it was sporadic at best. Add to that the fact that my sister and I were already AngryBlackBitches even in our youth and you can only imagine how Sunday school went down. My favorite experience was the day we were studying some book in the Bible and the teacher asked my sister about God. Being a questioning sort and I suspect a wee bit confrontational due to puberty, my sister refused to answer the questions about faith and belief in the expected fashion. Her "I don't know" and "I need more proof that what you've got" come backs just kept coming. The young teacher was beyond himself and the whole incident ended with my sister up against the church wall and the two of them exchanging verbal arguments while the rest of us looked on in amazed horror. Needless to say, our Sunday school days were over.

As I observe the ritual of yet another Christian holiday I remember my early years in the church. We never really went for the "right" reasons and we were actually more of a Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas family. Church to our family was an obligation that was endured so that we could show off new hats, outfits and expensive handbags. Later, religious holidays evolved into food specific events. Christmas meant cakes and pies. Easter meant ham and Easter eggs. Oh, and we often had to suffer two days of religious programming which involved my mother splayed out on the family room floor covered in blankets while chain smoking with a tepid cup of tea in front of her. She would usually sleeping soundly until you tried to change the channel, at which point she screetched that our "heathen asses" needed to sit down and "get some Jesus". And so we watched Charlton Heston part the Red Sea over and over again until we actually embraced the power of prayer and called upon a compassionate God to make the movie end or put us out of our misery!

This Easter I plan to watch the Sunday morning political shows, walk my dogs and eat red meat for dinner. Now that I have TiVo I no longer have to suffer through the parting of the sea or the condemnation of my heathen soul. Behold, the power of prayer!

Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic for the scandals of yesteryear. They had a profound impact on the building of an AngryBlackBitch. Vanessa Williams buck-naked in Penthouse, Darryl Strawberry going on a three day drug fest and who could forget my favorite show O.J. on trial.

When Vanessa Williams was crowned Miss America it was a huge moment for me. It was as big a deal as the first time I saw a brown person on the cover of Vogue - I literally cried. Even though Vanessa was weird about the whole issue of being the first Black Miss America and seemed to handle the press with all the polish of the Soviets regarding Chernobyl ("Has there never been a Black Miss America? I had no idea! came across like "Has there been a nuclear melt-down? Really? I had no idea!"), I was proud and convinced that it meant something.

Then came Penthouse. My mother, whacked out on Xanax and ritualistically sipping tea, ranted about how that "'Ho had let us all down". My father, under the guise of disbelief, rushed out and purchase the Penthouse immediately. He had to go to three stores because so many were sold out! My sister and I begged and pleaded to see it - I can't remember how, but we finally eyed the pics and DAMN were they kinky! Although publicly I stated my horror, I was privately impressed. Nowadays a kinky sex scandal is Paris Hilton looking high while delivering the most un-inspired blow-job in the history of potentially illegally obtained celebrity internet porn. It's a wonder she still gets any after that sad and sorry performance on tape. And stop playing shocked - of course I watched it several times and in slow motion. But anyway, Vanessa was splayed out with mood lighting and exotic camera angles that made the shot of her licking the crack of that mystery woman's ass almost seem like art. Even her return to fame didn't diminish that fall from grace.

And Darryl Strawberry. I just saw a program about celebrity wives on A&E and there was Darryl with his overly religious but beautiful wife talking about addiction as a disease and how he feels blessed to be alive and blah, blah, blah. I remember his baseball playing ass with red rimmed nostrils and blood-shot eyes bitching about the media in the late '80 and '90s. It made for great television and had all the makings of an on-going publicly witnessed suicide, but fuck it all he pulled his ass together. Or so it seemed. Out of the blue his cancer diagnosed crack addicted ass disappears for not one, not two but three days. I imagined him roaming the state of Florida promising blow-jobs for $5. His arrest was short on the drama and now he's redeemed himself. Or so it seems.

Oh and O.J.! I was so pissed when that shit went off the air, but you have to admit that the ending was every bit as good as the beginning! I barely noticed the news flash that O.J. Simpson's wife had been killed along with another adult male. Honestly, it took me a moment to remember who he was - Hertz and something about running through the airport. With the release of information that he had pled guilty to assault, had a difficult divorce and that his ex-wife now road around L.A. in his car with other men I was certain that he killed her. It may be a Sistah thang, but riding around in your former man/lover/love-thangs car post break-up with your new squeeze while cashing checks is cause for suspicion of murder to me.

Anyhoo, then came the hand-cuff thing followed by the best three hours of live television I have ever witnessed. Yes, children, I'm talking about the Bronco ride through L.A.! The commentary was fantastic, the people lined up along the highway was right out of a script and the possibility of O.J. ending it all on live t.v. like the militant angry Black man he never really was threw me into a blissful sort of television heaven. I was just about to break out the pop-corn when it ended. The Michael Jackson trial ain't got shit on two years of O.J., a violent racist cop, a mountain of evidence, the glove that didn't fit and the verdict that pissed off most of White America.

Yeah, I really miss the good old days.

Money, power and the joy of not giving a shit

Regarding the Schiavo case, I simply don't give a shit. I don't! I can't make myself care about this woman and her family and her husband and the fucking "culture of life". I'm going to be honest (as always, my dears) - I welcome a legitimate culture of life. I would love to see an end to inadequate medical care, hunger, famine, war, disease, hatred, rape, torture and man's inhumanity to man. But fuck the media and fuck the national debate for not seeing the putrid hypocrisy of this debate.

"In cases like this we should always err on the side of Life." Said President Bush. BULL-Fucking-SHIT! That's stink-on-ice buuuuuuulllllll-shit! I lived in Texas for over 8 years. I'm not 100% anti-death penalty - some of these sick mother scratchers need to die. But when you sit down for your morning coffee and Mr. Uniter-not-Divider (then governor) is waxing on about how he couldn't stay the execution of three men in one night because it would interfere in the will and autonomy of the courts it makes one a wee bit uncomfortable. Something was always freakish about the efficiency of that death chamber. Just imagine my surprise when that same hypocritical schmoo decided to jump all up in Florida's chili over the Schiavo case, thus interfering in the will and autonomy of the courts like a motherfucker! I can think of at least 100 souls that would have liked some consistency on that shit back in the day in Ole Tejas.

The separation of powers in our government was a deliberate act in response to the fusion of powers in the government of the assholes we had just kicked to the curb during the Revolutionary War. There was a reason for it. Which Bush seemed to understand as Governor while he was keeping watch over the most efficient death machine in the world. What could have possibly made him loose sight of the logic? What could have possibly done that??

MmmmmHmmm. It's money, votes and power, honey. 'Cause fear of a vengeful God didn't matter for shit in Texas, but fear of a vengeful conservative money machine has got your hypocritical ass dancing to a different tune.

So, no I don't give a shit and it's none of my damned business what happens to that woman in Florida. But you can bet your ass that this AngryBlackBitch is going to google living wills this afternoon.

Burn then peel then burn and peel again.......

I've always been fascinated by people who tan. Growing up a county brownie, I observed the unifying ritual of burning and peeling from afar. My eyes would narrow as a seemingly normal friend peeled sheets of skin off her arm during lunch. As I sat in the cool comfort of my air conditioned house I gazed out the window at neighbors laying about for hours, oiling and turning like chicken on the grill. Fascinating! I asked annoying questions about the science of burning....I mean tanning.....well, it's really just scaring isn't it? And bizarrely I felt left out. I endured comments about how lucky I was to be born Black - yeah, if you overlook the sexualized dehumanizing racism that went with it in the early '80's it was GREAT! See, I came of age before it was cool to be Black again and everyone sans a few militant hold outs wanted to be Vanessa Williams. We county brownies were very color struck. So to see my vanilla friends seeking to get brown was confusing. I avoided the sun like a Victorian! It was weirdly odd and the first clear indication to me that cultures were different even when dealing with the same thing.

As I matured and became an Angry Black Militant (1990-1996), I became disgusted with the tanning ritual. It was insulting to me to see friends who had gained so much privilege from their skin color burn themselves in a desperate attempt to change. Shit, the least they could do was enjoy being white. I would have. But every Spring they took to bitching about how white they were and how they needed to get that first foundational burn. Nasty! Once it was revealed to me that this exposed them to cancer I fussed at my fair friends about skin cream and protection to no avail. It was the same ritual of scorch and burn followed by peel and flake year after year.

Now that I am a fully grown Angry Black Bitch, I mostly keep my thoughts about tanning to myself. Many a Sistah lays out to even her complexion and most of my vanilla friends are more careful with the sun. Watching The Today Show today brought it all back, because they featured a segment on an effort to ban teens from tanning booths. Needless to say it got me thinking and I came up with the following conclusions...

1. The reason most women of color age with less of a visible roadmap is because we moisturize religiously (fear of the ashy look) and we don't tan as a rule. Why come folks think having a tan is a "healthy" look? A deep Tropicana tan is a red flag to future facial leather. However.......
2. Most people know that the sun damages their skin and increases the risk of cancer, even for brown people. So this is a willful act that is Darwinian in it's clarity and refreshingly vain in the sea of healthy P.C.self denial. Therefore.....
3. Tanning is to my vanilla friends as smoking is to me. A willful denial of health and well-being in the face of personal gratification!

See, we really are one people after all!

Virginification

Yesterday I witnessed a very curious exchange on The Today Show. The exchange was over a study on the impact of Virginity Pledges on teenage sexual activity. The study was released last year but I guess it's just now being published. Basically, a scientist involved in the study and some random concerned Christian advocate went toe to toe with Matt serving as referee.

Scientist "The study showed that teens who take Virginity Pledges delay intercourse. However, they tend to engage in oral and/or anal sex at the same age as their peers. The study has concluded that these teens do not feel that they are breaking their pledge because they do not think oral sex and/or anal sex is "sex". Of concern is the fact that they also do not feel that oral sex and/or anal sex puts them at risk for STD's. So, these teens engage in risky behavior more often than their peers because they are not equipped with the information on the risks of these behaviors."

Concerned Christian Advocate (CCA) "Matt, this is a pathetic politically motivated attempt to attack funding for abstinence only programs. We have tons of data that shows that abstinence only programs work and that teens are taking their Virginity Pledges seriously. I do not validate this study at all."

Matt "But how do you account for the statistical data? The data is based on respondents and their health checks. So, if they tested positive for Crabs after having taken a Virginity Pledge that would seem to back up Mr. Scientist."

CCA "I do not believe in the existence of Crabs, because I am a Creationist. Also, how do we know that these kids were not actually Heathen Ho's masquerading as Virgins? Huh? How about that? This study is bogus!"

And it went on and on. It was a joy to watch. Honest, Matt said anal 6 times before it was over!!

For shits and grins, let's explore a few terms.

Friends With Benefits - Let's keep it real, people. FWB existed when we were teens. Just because you called "Tim" your boyfriend after one date doesn't make blowing him any less of a FWB act. Today's teens are simply more honest about getting their freak on. So, if you are waiting for "Jenny" to get a "real" boyfriend before you have the talk, you are playing Russian roulette with her menstrual cycle and health. Invest in condoms, the pill and a good sex ed. book. 'Cause your precious little girl is taking that cheap assed silver ring off and blowing Mr. "He's just a friend" every Thursday between 3pm and 3:30p (edit to original post per feedback that there is no such thing as an hour and 1/2 blow-job, even for the very young).

Defining Sex - Y'all conservatives did this shit to yourselves. By obsessing over a girl's virginity, discouraging masturbation and defining sex so ridgedly that kid's wonder how they were ever conceived you have created a generation of teens who have a corrupted definition of sex. ABB defines sex as anything that gets you off and/or can result in contracting the "gift that just keeps giving" (STDs). "Jenny" needs to know that those blow-jobs after school and before band practice count. "Timmy" needs to know that the itch isn't going to go away and that he and "Jenny" might want to take a trip to the clinic. Just because you don't talk about it doesn't mean they aren't doing it. Come on people!

Abstinence has been at war with Human Hormones since the dawn of man. Arm teens with the facts and they will stand a fighting chance in that war. Send them into battle armed with a cheap assed silver ring and a Certificate of Virginification and they are like lambs to the slaughter. MmmmHmmm. Orgasms will win every single time.

Ah, the smell of bullshit in the air......

Spring is in the air and Drama was in full bloom this weekend. My darlings, Congress has lost it's fucking mind....

I Pledge Allegiance to the Christian Right and to it's many voters, who control my vote....
What the fuck? So, after seven years of legal wrangling and familial dysfunction we now have Congress voting in the wee hours of a Sunday night on a piece of legislation to force a federal court to hear a case that has already been heard by a dozen courts in Florida. A case about one woman who, according to the court, stated her will to not be kept alive by medical intervention. When did the will of Congress out weigh the power of the courts? Our lauded Founders are spinning 6 feet under. These people don't even read the bills they are supposed to vote on, but they have hours and hours of free time to fuck up the balance of powers?

Things I Wish Congress Would Fuck with In Florida

1. I wish Congress had held a weekend session on the issue of the Florida Family Services department, which has lost over 100,000 children in the past decade. Freakin lost them! Since they have so much moxey, why come they don't jump in Florida's chili about that? Or the fact that children are murdered and abused because there aren't enough Social Workers and any ole person can just walk into a Florida court and get a child - as long as they are straight. Good Lord, don't let them be gay, 'cause the system will implode before it let's an unwanted child get adopted by a loving family. Why come Congress ain't on that shit!?
2. How about a special weekend session on the thousands of votes that disappeared in Florida because the election system decided that individuals with similar names to convicts with conflicting social security numbers were to be labeled convicts and forced to prove they weren't someone they never said they fucking were in the first place! Oops. That would have been too much like right. And why fuck with a good thing?
3. A 9 year old girl was just abducted, molested and killed in Florida by a sexual predator who moved next door without notifying the authorities. How about a special session to hold Florida's feet to the fire on that and the fact that he was released without monitoring into a society populated by his victim of choice. Why does Florida get off the hook for allowing weak sentencing and unmonitored parole for these criminals? Since Congress appears to have caught it's second wind, why don't they pass a law forcing the Florida State Legislature to draft and pass legislation that protects children rather than putting them at risk?

Shit, if we're going to flush the Constitution down the toilet let's have Congress take on my personal drama too! How about Congress meet to discuss AngryBlackBitch's financial aid debt? I'm a valuable resource and am being denied my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of expensive handbags! And, in all fairness, I shouldn't have been allowed to loan out that much cash because I had no money and had no way to make future money - shit, I majored in fucking Anthropology!! What were they thinking?? Congress should pass a bill stating that witty Black bitches should not be oppressed by debt into their 30's. Think about the sanctity of my bitchy life!!

Yeah. Fat chance.....

Happy Anniversary Operation Iraqi Freedom......

It is the two year anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. Let's recap what the U.S. lead invasion has accomplished, shall we?

• Over 1, 500 American soldiers are dead. Untold numbers of Americans are injured. Unreported numbers of Iraqis are dead or injured. There were never any weapons of mass destruction, Iraq no longer has the ability to produce enough oil to pay us back, Iraq was never connected to September 11 and they now have more terrorists within their borders than ever before. Saddam is in custody but you know who is still walking around Pakistan like he owns the place. And I just dropped a fucking paycheck at the pump, which really pisses me off because there was a time when Western governments would have the fucking decency to pillage a country for it's natural resources post-invasion! Why come my gas is so fucking expensive?

What hasn't happened in the past two years?

• I don't feel safer or more secure. I can't afford to drive and I have a small energy efficient bloody car. Afghanistan is still dangerous as hell, but making a killing on the world opiate market. Republicans are still searching for the "real killers" in the hills of Pakistan. Women in Kuwait and Saudi Arabia still can't vote or own property or express outrage about the fact that they can't vote, get an education or have any real role in society. Prison scandals have made Americans look like a reprise of The Hate That Hate Created. Canadians hate us. Europeans hate us. Our few allies are abandoning us to our new Vietnam. Our economy sucks. My surplus is gone. Missouri republicans are trying to throw 200,000 residents off of Medicaid. Old people can't afford medicine or food. Children are being left behind like a motherfucker. And I can't even score Sudafed without a fucking shake down because Missouri is in the midst of a Meth War.

But we're spreading democracy and freedom to the world, my brothas and sistahs. Thank God Congress is in the pocket of the pharmaceutical lobby, 'cause this Sistah is going to need a pile of meds to survive this shit!

I'm getting tired of your shit.....

I'm tired of sorry assed chaotic drama loving Sistahs trying to stir up trouble and call it "leadership". Y'all know who you are! Don't hate me because I'm fabulous. I was born this way! Keep that back-stabbin playa hatin shit away from me or Momma might bite back....

I'm tired of government officials using my fucking money to investigate a sport I no longer care about. If you can't throw someone's ass in jail then don't throw a freakin hearing just to "shame" them. $50 million dollars says they still don't give a fuck.

I'm tired of Katie Couric. Her voice, her overly frosted hair, her inability to make expressions with her face and her colon.

I'm tired of dumb assed people trying to debate gender and whether women think the same as men. I don't suck at math because I'm a woman. I suck at math because I don't give give a fuck. Nothing has changed since I had to explain that shit to my mother in 1985!

I'm tired of reality t.v., Brian Williams, Fox and all their tired ass anchors and oil drilling!

And finally......I am tired of Scott "that horse aint dead yet?" Peterson and the on-going coverage of that non-story. He's guilty. Nice looking straight White men with jobs kill their wives every freaking day! Cover that angle or MOVE THE FUCK ON!

Whew. Was that good for you too.......

Dear Robert Blake.....

Dear Robert,

Congratulations! What a tremendous vindication, uh.....I mean victory in court yesterday. I'm thrilled that you were found not guilty of killing your wife Bonnie. What an evil scammer, huh?? I mean, so many people wanted her dead that it's no wonder the jury overlooked the gun at the restaurant and the solicitation of two contract killers. Way to pick a victim, uh..... alleged victim!

I guess you are curious as to why I'm writing you now. No, I'm not requesting more Baretta posters. Well shit, who knew you'd get off ? I was soooooo sure we'd make a killing on E-bay post conviction. Anyhoo, I just wanted to drop a quick note to say thank you for showing that fucked up justice isn't just the product of playing the race card! I couldn't have asked for a better case. Not only did you get off, but there was a "mountain of evidence", your White and it was tried in California! As an Angry Black Bitch, I am truly grateful that your high priced lawyer having semi-famous former child-star very much so not Black ass got off!

Yes, I too was disappointed that the media overlooked the verdict in favor of the Scott "ain't this horse dead yet?" Peterson coverage. But you've got to look beyond that, Robert. Not only are you no longer in the clutches of the worlds most famous grifter, but now you hold the high honor of being a reference point for all Black Americans when they are forced to debate the use of the "race card". Now, we can lift our heads high and say "Yeah, but how do you explain Robert Blake? He ain't even famous? And his ass sure ain't Black! See, it's about money, asshole. Oh, and the fact that the L.A. D.A. FUCKING SUCKS!!!".

Phil Spector has got to be dancing a freakin jig!

Yes, I'm returning the Baretta posters seeing as they are still fucking worthless. Good luck searching for the "real killers" and, sincerely, thanks. Toodles!

Socially Secure

Democrats are scrambling to find a "message" to combat President Bush's threatened reconstruction of Social Security. Now, I'm a liberal (duh) but I've always distanced myself from the Democratic party because they get confused by this very shit. The two issues that currently have them chasing their tale are 1)How do we continue dissing the President's plan without having to eventually propose one ourselves and 2)How do we sell a band-aid solution now that Bush has convinced everyone there is a crisis. These two questions have been on the table for weeks and the circle jerk just keeps going and going and going.....

It's enough to make this Black Bitch long for Canada. But I'm a loyal American because I love a good useless spin fest. Social Security is a challenge and, damnit, this bitch is reporting to duty!!

AngryBlackBitch Talking Points on Social Security Reform

1. Since the Bush plan is based on internal budget projections I'm forced to disregard the math altogether. These people can't add and they can't find their ass with both hands. Shit - for all we know we've still got a Surplus and Social Security is solvent for the next 100 years! Honestly, if you can't believe them when they say everything is going great can you really believe them when they say it's going to shit?
2. Do we really need a solvent Social Security system beyond 2049? Honestly, how long can these people really live? It's not as if our generation really thought they were going to get that cash back? Just leave well enough alone, step away from that "private account" nonsense, give us our fucking cash to invest as we see fit and stop scaring the old people!
3. This attack against Social Security is yet another attempt by the Medical Lobby to influence government policy! Who told them to keep old people alive for 100 fucking years anyway? Wanna save Social Security? Roll back all these "medical advances", re-introduce pork products to the American diet and let all the people smoke anything they want. How's that for ensuring solvency?
4. Why is it that the only group in America debating Social Security is the one group that doesn't have to live with the plan they come up with? Wanna see these assholes come up with a real workable plan? Remove federal pensions and guaranteed Congressional health care and I guarantee this shit would be solvent as a motherfucker by next Tuesday!

Now, I really didn't care about Social Security until recently. Honest. I didn't give a rats ass. I don't have a lot of older people in my family and those that I do are taking part in what I like to call "Black Folks Social Security", which involves older relatives living with younger relatives until they get on someone's nerves and are then moved on to the next younger relative or knocked off by a deranged younger relative. But ain't a one of them hungry or homeless! Anyhoo, it's the thought of having a musty old person living in my house that's got me riled up. Believe this people - we need to fix this shit now or my musty Aunt Melnaud may be arriving at a home near you!

American Justice

Given the recent drama in Atlanta, Milwaukee and the on-going Michael Jackson trial it will probably come as a surprise that right now I'm thinking about Rush Limbaugh. What happened to his Oxi-C addicted ass?

Any Sistah can tell you that justice in America has never been blind. Nope, that Bitch is just greedy. Let's explore the comparison between justice for Rush and justice for the average Crack Ho, shall we?

Rush - Spend years railing against drug sentencing and treatment programs. Imply that all drug addicts are all minorities and gang members. Garner huge ratings from red-state listeners by incorrectly stating that Democrats want crack sold in schools. Suddenly loose 100 pounds off your ample ass. Weirdly loose your hearing. Interview the religious right while flying high on Oxicotin. Solicit more Oxicotin from your illegally employed undocumented house keeper (who, totally against type, turns your hypocritical ass in). Get raided but not really arrested. Hire high priced mouthy lawyer who immediately books interview on Today Show to talk about the "violation to your rights" when the police seized your medical files from Dr. Feelgood. Keep fight over medical records going while checking yourself into posh treatment center. Paper over-worked "liberal" legal system for next two years. Stay out of jail. Drop off the press radar. Stay on the air. Totally ignore the raging Meth epidemic taking control of your bible-belt socially conservative zero tolerance home-town of East-bum-Fuck Missouri. Begin dating Daryn Kagen from CNN.

Analysis?
Decade long Oxicotin habit - Tons of money, honey.
Hypocritical stance on drugs while dosing during commercial breaks - Renewed Contract & Listener prayers.
Having the kind of money that makes all the evidence against you irrelevant - Priceless!

Crack Ho - Grow up in economically depressed area with no real education system, sex ed. and a confrontational racial profiling police force. Get pregnant at 15 by an older boy who promised to take you away from all this but still lives in his mamma's basement. Get kicked out of your home because, once that baby is born your Momma will loose her Section 8 housing if you stay. Apply for section 8. Try to work, but quickly realize that you will loose Medicaid and food stamps if you bring in any real money. Drop out of school. Sink into depression. Score some Crack from your Cuzen Peachy. Get addicted. Loose custody of child. Sink into deeper depression. Become Ho to pay back crack dealer who is also your baby's daddy but now seeks to get a profit from your once fine ass. Deal crack on the side. Offer an undercover cop a $5 blow-job and get arrested (after blowing him, of course). Face federal sentencing because they are now trying to get your baby's daddy for being a Drug Kingpin. Take the rap, because you know he'll kill your ass if you cop a plea. Settle down to 20 years without the possibility of parole and no visits from you baby who now lives with your Momma so she can get extra food stamps and a foster care check.

Analysis?
Growing up in a cycle of desperation and poverty - $0.
Loosing your self respect, dignity and freedom to crack and the streets - 5 tricks a day.
Going to jail because some asshole in D.C. is convinced that the war on drugs is working - Priceless!

God Bless America!

Crazy Pants

Dear Michael,

How have you been? Busy? Yeah, I understand. Got a lot of stuff on your mind. Too much drama to deal with? Well, I certainly don't want to add to your burdens. In fact, I'm hoping that this letter serves as a sort of catalyst for positive change!

You're probably wondering why you're hearing from me after all this time. Well, I was watching this new show on A&E called Intervention. No, you wouldn't like it. There's a lot a 12 step stuff and talk about dealing with demons and so forth. I'm only bringing the show up to explain the motivation for my letter. I haven't contacted you since that Lisa Marie naked on a stage video fiasco.....see I can adhere to a restraining order. But I digress.

After watching Intervention I realized that I, and most of the American public, are enablers. It's true!! We've been letting you run around like a mad man. We've overlooked the atrocious plastic surgery, interesting if not medically plausible pigment modification and child-shrouding. Hell, you even got away with dangling your child over a balcony! What other Black man can lay claim to that? All in all, we've hurt you by enabling your behavior with interviews and documentaries and return back into the country after dangling your child over a balcony like a FAAAAAAHHHHHHREAK! Whew. Give me a minute. Okay. I'm sorry....this is just so hard for me.......

So, in an effort to help you I am going to have to practice a wee bit of tough love.

Michael. (deep breath)

YOU HAVE LOST YOUR GOD DAMNED MIND!

Let the healing begin.

Vodka, Pills and Cigs

Last night I launched myself into a complete state of delirium in an effort to battle the Ebola (mild Flu) that currently has taken over my body.

1. (1) Sudafed Night-time - Mommy needs her sleep.
2. (2) shots of NyQuil - If the box says 1 then 2 must be better!
3. (1) Vodka Cranberry - Because it was Tuesday.
4. (15) Cigarettes - Because?.....well, because.

Amazingly, I'm still ill! I was feeling no pain and tossing Milk Bones at my dogs like it was Christmas and New Years all wrapped up with a pretty bow! Take that Ebola!

It's completely understandable that I questioned whether I was hallucinating when Billy Graham came before me. Well, he was on CBS really. I think. Anyway, there I was with watery eyes watching Billy Graham (I think) ask the world and an arena full of Jesus-loving souls what they want most from God.

I paused. Well, that's easy. Get rid of Ann Coulter. Hello?! End her bitter ass NOW! I don't care how you get rid of the ho but get her gone to wherever - don't you have an express train to Purgatory? God, if you can handle that I'll give up pills and Vodka and....

Okay, let's negotiate shall we. Pills and Vodka or Vodka and Cigs. Maybe Cigs and Pills. A bitch has to have a vice.

Tune back to Billy. He's going on and on about how God wants us to be happy (so end her!!) and God wants what's best for us (end her NOW!!) and if we give ourselves to Him (whatever you want - show me the book and I'll sign it in blood!!) He will answer our prayers tenfold (add the Bush Cabinet).

Waiting. And waiting. Another shot of NyQuil. Sip of Vod/Cran. Drag from cig. Turn to CNN hoping for Breaking News. Wait. No flashing report.

Moment of rationalization. There is a God 'cause Billy Graham said so (I think). But Ann Coulter still "is". What does this mean? Hello?! I'm not meant to give up Pills and Vodka and Cigs!

Can I get an Amen!

Soul Food Appreciating Society of Peoples

Children,

My co-worker Rob threw out an idea of shear brilliance that I, of course, have bitchily co-opted as my own.

Soul Food Appreciating Society of Peoples

Next Tuesday join Angry Black Bitch and Rob at Delmonico's for lunch. 4909 Delmar. Bring cash 'cause the credit card machine is just for show.

Soul Food for all!

Why I Vote

I'm sick today. I've got a slight fever and a head cold. I'm still recovering from this weekend and I'm totally overwhelmed with life and it's many responsibilities. But there's a primary today and my black ass is going to vote.

Why My Tired Ass is Going to VOTE.

1. Bitching Rights - if you don't cast a ballot you really don't have the right to bitch about elected officials. Sorry. That's a fact. Bitching rights are connected to voting rights, and that's reason enough to vote.
2. Fear of The Man - As a woman of color, I was raised with a firm and lasting fear of The Man. The Angela Davis in me knows that deep down The Man has a plan to dominate my ass. Gotta vote to keep his ass in check!
3. 16th Street Baptist Church - Four little girls died in the basement of a Birmingham church because a racist wanted to discourage Blacks from gathering in churches to press for voting rights. I vote because they never got the chance to.
4. Suffrage - Long before Blacks won legal protection of voting rights women took it to The Man and won the vote. For every long-skirt-wearing radical-feminist fist-in-the-air suffragette I vote.
5. Potential Revolution - Y'all know I'm just waiting for someone to disenfranchise me. Bring it on!

See you at the polls!

Aftermath

I am one totally ill Angry Black Bitch. I have engaged in two straight days of drinking and debaunch. Ill. Nauseous. It's been a great weekend!!

Regular readers of ABB know that I am a point counter. Weight Watchers. Goal = to be frightfully thin. Well, this worked against me as I drank myself silly this weekend. The stomach was empty. Nothing to suck up all that toxic waste. So, not only did I get blasted quicker but it last longer. And today, I can't even eat the plate of Southern Decadence (cheesy eggs, fried potatoes with onion, biscuits and jam with real-from-a-freakin-pig-bacon) that I usually indulge in post-debaunchery 'cause I drank all my bonus points last night!!

Fuck.

There is no justice.

Hugs, love and adoration to all friends and fans who I encountered along my wicked partying way!!

Disco

As I watched Martha Stewart emerge from prison draped in a dark sweeping shaw-like thing that gave fleeting glimpses of her now stick thin legs I heard disco. Yeah, disco music. I started to hum.....

Did you think I'd crumble!?!? Did you think I'd lay down and die (or is it cry - I rarely hear this song sober)??
Oh no not I!!
I will survive!!!

She throws an amused smile over her right shoulder and graces the press with a wave.

Work!! Work it girl!

I go to fix coffee number 2 and return to see Miss Thang enter her house. Will 6 months house probation be enough time to fix everything the maid has fucked up? Greet the dogs. Re-position a few throw pillows.

I adore Martha. Just adore her. No, I'm not star fucking. I'm giving a Diva her due.

If I could have staged her exit I wouldn't have changed a thing. Maybe added some theme music - I'm Coming Out! (the original by Miss Ross) would be playing as she, head held high, made her way to the plane. Other than that it was FANtasmic!!

Here's to Martha. May she long reign!

Bush-o-nomics

Yesterday Allen Greenspan shocked the press by announcing that the United States economy is going down the toilet due to the mismanagement of the federal budget. He warned that, if Congress doesn't cut spending, our nation will face a monumental financial crisis in the next decade. But I don't want to cut social programs for a war I never believed in - keep it real people, if you have 1 trillion $$ go towards Iraq then you have to take 1 trillion $$ from somewhere, don't you?!?

Now, I was already pretty pissed off that the Clinton surplus was shot to hell by the Bush tax cuts and the subsequent wars. Hearing that our deficit is out of control, Medicare wasn't really fixed and Social Security is under attacked didn't help. But knowing that these pricks plan to proceed with their original plan just makes me sick.

Bush-o-nomics

1. Make the tax cuts permanent even though they have not stimulated the economy or created jobs.
2. Overhaul Social Security by creating private accounts which will invest directly in the Stock Market, which is about as stable as a crack ho' jonesing for a fix.
3. Continue to fuck with Medicare, make it so complex that the old people will fall out dead from the stress thus reducing the dependent population.
4. Remove funding for school lunches and encourage prayer to overcome that empty feeling deep in the pit of your young belly - call it a fast, son, and give it to God.
5. Address the welfare state by encouraging single moms to go out there and find a man, any man, and get traditionally married. Hey, marriage paid off for Laura and it can work for you, too!
6. Abstinence only programs - yes! Condoms & sex ed. to cut down on the numbers of unwanted pregnancies - NO! You want funding, you need to keep those thighs closed.
7. We're spreading democracy and freedom, assholes. Can you really put a price cap on that?

I am disgusted that I am being asked to do without when I never supported the tax cuts or the war. Angry Black Bitch Solution - tell the 70% that supported the war to freakin pay for it, reserve Social Security and Medicare for Democrats (if you don't like it then you shouldn't benefit from it) and make the revenue cut from the federal tax base revert back to the states who are broke because they have to fund all that Home Land security bullshit themselves.

I want my surplus back. I want Bill Clinton back. It feels like the inmates have taken over the asylum. And once they are done overhauling us into an "ownership society", they'll have created a society no one will want to own.

On a much lighter note.....

Once again I was in morning news hell today! I don't understand how these shows survive, but I'm convinced that they have an agreement to all suck on an equal level so that they can dominate the 7am-10am slot. CNN, which used to be my go-to program in the morning, must have recently signed the same agreement - because they are beyond bad and seem to be committed to staying that way. I spent the morning feeling ill due to a digestive issue that decided to kick my ass out of nowhere, finger hovering over the remote and bitter to the bone.

Once CNN moved into it's daily Democrat versus Republican slug fest I reluctantly switched to NBC. And The Today Show sunk to new lows today. I popped in just in time to hear Matt lead into a sad sad tale....

"Tragedy has struck the family of Jack Nicklaus. His grandchild accidently drowned in the family hot-tub after sneaking out of the home." Pause programming as ABB tries to remember who Jack Nicklaus is with a brain powered only by 1/2 a cup of coffee. Oh, yeah. Golf. Blond? Something like that. Hit play (God I love TiVo!!).

"Now the Nicklaus family will try to cope with life without their beloved grandchild." Okay, thanks for pissing in my Corn Flakes Matt! Jesus, Mary and Joseph that story was a stank shit in the middle of my morning viewing!

"Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Nikolaus family in this tragic time." Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get on with it. God, just move on to the Jackson trial so I can get my fix!!

"On a much, much, much lighter note..... Tara Reid is looking to get laid on a more regular basis and we've decided to dip into Ellen's sugar by running a tasteless segment expoiting an intern as a possible date for the often drunk and always fucked-up Ms. Reid." Okay, if you don't know by now - my quotes are not verbatim. Fuck-it.

This was the worst segue I've every heard. I sat there glued to the screen trying to decide if I was delirious or if they really were pimping out the intern for Ms. Tara "Betty Ford has a place set at the table for my ass" Reid!! Yes!!! It was true!

Al Roker began by verbally assaulting the boy into exercising. Then Matt, playing the Fashion Queen to a hilt, bitch-slapped the poor child into acknowledging that Pink is the New Black. Top this pile of shit off with Katie, in full she-devil mode, illustrating to the whole world why she's still single by delivering the worst batch of date etiquette advice I've ever heard. "Remember, don't belch after drinking wine!". Jesus H. Christ!

I hate the use of "On a much lighter note" and I really hate the ugly feeling I get when an anchor delivers total gloom then takes his voice register up an octave and launches into a story that makes him look like the gloom was about as serious as Tara Reid looking for a man to do something more for her than score some (what??? Not going to go there 'cause Miss Thang has lawyers) uh...... stuff!

Sex Ed.

Last night I volunteered at a shelter for homeless moms. The class topic was women's health and we were covering sex. It might seem weird to some for us to be teaching women's sexual health to a bunch of young women who clearly have already done the deed. But trust me, these ladies have a lot to learn.

Based on the feedback from the class, I've made a few adjustments to the curriculum to address some issues and concerns.

AngryBlackBitch Sex Ed. 101

1. If you're not sure if you've every had an orgasm, you probably haven't.
2. AIDS tests do not give you AIDS any more than the dentist gives you cavities.
3. Giving him "some" will not make him love you - sorry, but I'm keepin it real.
4. If you don't get anything out of it don't do it - it's sex not a charitable donation!
5. If he doesn't want to wear a condom don't give him any - ask him how the hell he knows it's better that way anyway?
6. Lookin "fine" and being sexually healthy don't have anything in common - take his fine ass to the drug store and introduce him to the wonderful world of latex, honey!
7. It's a baby, not a fashion accessory - get your ass a cabbage patch doll if all you want to do is dress something up!
8. There are other ways to pay your car note - get a job and keep your self respect for the love of.......!
9. Your Cousin Nay-Nay is not an authority on STD's just 'cause she "caught" one last year.
10. If he cheated on you don't beat the hell out of "that Ho!" - take your ass to the clinic and change the locks. He's a man, child, not an accomplishment.

MmmmmmHmmmm. What was that bullshit someone was saying about abstinence only sex education? Chil'ren, I'm on an AngryBlackBitch mission now!