Friday, December 08, 2006

Stuck up a tree...

When this bitch was a wee bitch I loved to climb willow trees. My mother was forever telling me to be careful…just be careful up there. My father kept it real by telling me that one day I might get up a tree and not know how to get back down. Dad’s opinion confused the hell out of me, but a bitch was too prideful to ask him to explain and too eager to climb to pause long enough to reflect on that shit.

One beautiful Saturday it happened.

Up the tree I went…way up, higher than ever before until I was closer to the sky than the ground.

And then I looked down and froze.

My heart raced…my hands grew damp…and I suddenly had to pee like a racehorse!


I couldn’t move and I was too embarrassed to call for help. My pride was in the balance and the thought of my mother’s smug expression in the face of this climbing drama was too much to suffer.

So I stayed…up that fucking tree…fearing a pee-based incident…for around an hour.

Finally my father came around back and called my name.


As I debated whether to respond he called my name again with greater urgency…you know, the way parent’s call your name when they fear you’ve been snatched.

Fuck it, I either confess or pee myself and then confess…there was no way I was getting down by myself and my bladder was fixing to explode.

“I’m up here!” I reluctantly called back.

“What the hell are you doing up in that tree this long?”
he hollered, strolling towards the huge willow.


“I’m stuck.” I tossed down at him in disgust.

“Thought so.” He tossed up with a wink.

Up Dad came and down we went. I sprinted from his arms into the house…down the hall and to the toilet, where relief for my bladder was finally found. returned outside and met my father’s laughing gaze. In true 6 year old fashion, my embarrassment manifested itself in a snot-infused sobbing session

“Well, I hope you learned your lesson.” Dad stated as he mopped up my face.

“Not to climb trees?” I said, having given the matter no thought whatsoever and just wanting to get this entire episode behind me.

“Don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter, girl. You climbed the tree and couldn’t get back down. Now think. Is there a lesson in that?”

Was there ever!

Don’t climb a tree without a plan to get back down...unless you’re prepared to be there for a spell while you figure out the getting down part...if you figure it out at all.

Being wrong after having not listened to someone who was right fucking sucks, but a bitch never got stuck in that motherfucking tree again.

Gawd save us from the fool willing to languish amid those willowing limbs and pee himself rather than suffer the truth on solid ground


AOB said...

My oldest climbed trees with a vengenance. When she was 4 years old she got stuck because she 'could not remember HOW she got to where she was. (it was an ollllllllllddddd oak tree)The fire department rescued her. A week later she locked herself in the department again. A week later she found a policeman at the mall and told him that her mom did not take very good care of her because she (Mom) could not get her out of the tree (Mom was REALLY preggers) and Mom could not get her out of the locked bathroom.

But to this day, I kid you not...her children have never been allowed to climb trees and she made sure that bathroom locks could be opened from outside. (Imagine that!!!)

Now if other people could learn the lesson as well......

Anonymous said...

You know, ABB, for the first part of the story I said to myself, "where in the world is she going with this?" And then in the end I saw the light and was not disappointed. Again you have put the solutions to world problems in an easy-to-understand format. Now if only the rest of the world listened. Keep up the good work!


Anonymous said...

This is my favorite "Scooter B" analogy in a long, long time. He's just up in that tree peeing himself for pride while folks are dying. Man.

Anonymous said...

fabulous metaphor! and story ;o)

GayProf said...

Being in the tree, couldn't you have just peed from off the branch? I am just askin'.

Shark-Fu said...

Pee off a branch?

Lawd, have mercy!

A bitch has bathroom issues, gay way in hell peeing off a branch was gonna happen!

In daylight...with neighbors all about!


Anonymous said...

That was a truly perfect metaphor.

Maya's Granny said...

If only Scooter B had parents like you did, he might have the sense to get out of the tree and hit the john.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I could relate your story to the woes of the world like your other commenters do if I wasn’t just so damned impressed with the way your father handled the situation. I have no idea what your overall relationship was like with him, but in this particular case, he came off as a very kind, caring and intelligent man. Instead of digging a hole to China to find some political message here, maybe it would be better to recognize that your father had the compassion to turn a negative into a positive for you, instead of just laying a wailing on your ass.

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