Tuesday, November 09, 2021

The Gumdrop Stage of Grief ...

So many of you have shared condolences and support after the death of my beloved brother Bill from COVID-19. I wish I could thank you individually, but until I can please know that I carry your kindness and compassion with me every day. 

The stages of grief evolve without warning. Shock blends into horror, anger shifts into sorrow. We lost Bill in August, and I’ve consciously buried myself in work and caring for my dogs. 

I’m clearly in the gumdrop stage of grief, because I’m slamming back DOTS but the boxful. They remind me of Bill and when he went through a phase of only wanting to eat orange slices candy that lasted for years.


Few weeks ago, I adopted a puppy (I named her Tuesday) and I totally did it so I can have something to nurture … something that is alive and cuddles. I now have three dogs! Four if you count my dog nephew Ed. They've all been wearing me out so I can sleep at night.

In my dreams, my brother ‘is.’ 

Alive. Happy. Excited for Thanksgiving and sometimes foods. 

In my dreams, I’m getting a menu together for our pre-Turkey Day dinner with Bill. We always go to Kentucky for the November holiday, so we used to …

We used to.


Normally, I’d be prepping for that celebration dinner and getting anxious over what to get Bill for Christmas. 

But my brother ‘was.’ 

He no longer ‘is’, except as memories and far too many regrets.

During a recent board meeting, I messaged someone on Zoom and typed “My brother was ...” and just seeing those words took my breath away. 

He didn’t deserve this, catching COVID-19 or the strokes that followed, nor catching the Delta Variant and the devastation it brought so quickly. Bill sure as shit didn’t deserve to live in a community filled with selfish anti-mask assholes who gleefully created an environment that put disabled people like Bill at risk. 

Bill didn’t deserve this, but this is what he got. 

And so, my brother ‘was.’

Hilarious, mischievous, so sweet, sometimes a total asshole, a food hound, the KitKat king, handsome, autistic, aphasic, a Black man.




His memory is a blessing, until we meet again.


dinthebeast said...

Bless you for writing this. Again, your brother was lucky he had you.
May you someday make it to the place where your brother is all blessing and no regret. A tall order for anyone, I know, but if anyone deserves it, you do.

-Doug in Sugar Pine

RadioDave said...


Very well put.

These days when I recount some event I always speak of it in terms of 'before' or 'after' Mom died. Bill was. . .a great brother. Honor him by keeping on keeping on.


Mark said...

Love, love, love you.

EIT SYMONE said...

This truly touched my heart and i can relate on so many levels. My brother 'WAS" as well. He was murdered. Taken against his will. Robbed at 24 years old on Thanksgiving day. Our brothers "WERE" and so i will keep you in my prayers. I love your blog and will continue to follow! I just started mine and am reading and doing research. Yours was the first one I clicked on, I know why now. Be blessed love and stay strengthened this holiday season and all to come.

ofeimun judith said...

I'm new and I love your authenticity.
So sorry to hear about your brother and I want you to let go of all regrets you have so you can live your life happy the way he would have wanted you to be. He lives on in our hearts forever.
I also want to start my own blog but I haven't found the right name yet. Any tips?

blu_innocence said...

Sweetie, I have been gone from my WP blog/blog roll for over 10 yrs. Health and Life issues. So I'm just seeing this.
Please accept my belated condolences for your loss. I jsut lost my beloved brother this past March, and can directly relate to how you might be feeling.
God is good, tho. He will carry you thru.

The Gumdrop Stage of Grief ...

So many of you have shared condolences and support after the death of my beloved brother Bill from COVID-19. I wish I could thank you indiv...