Thursday, December 13, 2012

Through whatever, come what may…

Shall we?

Confession: the past several months have been…challenging. 

Longtime readers know that my older brother is autistic and that I’m co-guardian along with my sister.  Well, my brother has had a rough couple of months. I can’t get into the details. 

The specifics don’t apply.

Suffice it to say he’s frustrated and letting the whole world know.

And I’m a mess.

Because I can’t cast rainbows across the sky.

I can’t fix it with a snap of my fingers.

Even though I know that this isn’t my fault…that he’s his own person dealing with his own shit and the whole world doesn’t revolve around me…even though I know that shit, I can’t stop questioning each and every decision I’ve made and what role it may or may not have…ugh.

I get that a good day won’t guarantee that all the days that follow are good...just like a bad day doesn’t forecast never-ending drama.

Fuck it.

A good day with my brother is the greatest joy…and the bad days wrench my heart to pieces.

So, I’m a mess. 

I learned long ago to let myself be a mess…to not fight it or try to put on a brave face.

There’s a strange comfort from acknowledging that sometimes shit is just hard as hell with a dash of emotionally taxing, and that’s just the way of it.

And I remember the not too bad days…the so-so, that wasn’t so bad days…and those gloriously fantabulous good days.

Through whatever.

Yeah, we’ll get through this.

Come what may.


Denise said...



I.M. said...

Well you have a whole host of extended family sending you love and support! On behalf of your friends and fellows in the fight, we adore you and send you our strength and love.

unscrambled said...

I've been your reader for about a decade. I'm also an adult guardian of an older autistic brother, and I just want to send support and solidarity from someone that knows how tough this can really be. Also, your writing is sharp and on point, about autism and politics and everything. Take care.

Sara said...

The tough days do suck. I'm sorry your brother is dealing with that right now. It's so hard to see that kind of frustration and feel at least partly to blame.

Sometimes even the strong supporters need a little suport. You've got that here.

DesertRose said...

I'm sorry you and your brother are having a hard time. That sucks.

Sending good thoughts and general moral support to you and your family.

*hugs* if welcome

SarahMarian said...

Many many good thoughts to you, SF, during this challenging time. You are a warm and wonderful presence on the cold web.

Laura said...

Aw, honey, I'm sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that kind of a situation must be. Sending you and dear Brother Bill much love.

Anonymous said...


Rah Bickley said...

Dear Shark-Fu,
you might be interested in the art of Beverly McIver (or you may already know of it). McIver paints about many things including her mentally delayed sister (mental age of 4, I think). She's a NC native and I got to know her work at the NC Museum of Art in Raleigh. Here's one of her pieces:
Rah Bickley, Durham, NC

Shark-Fu said...

Beautiful artwork! Thanks for sharing.

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