Friday, December 09, 2005

Snow, idiots and a bitch's birthday plans...way in advance...

My normal 5-minute drive home took a fucking hour last night. An hour! Drama. A bitch was going to indulge in a huge rant about it, but the sad news from Chicago made my petty ass remember that getting home is a blessing…each and every day.

The roads are icy, chil’ren, so drive like you give a shit. And to a certain NASCAR loving Ford F-150 driving asshole who cut a bitch off then slammed on his breaks this morning in front of the Botanical Garden…fuck you to hell and back! You gas guzzling, crazy driving waste of fossil fuel.

Moving forward…

It’s Friday and a bitch is happy to see it. This bitch spent the evening dealing with snow-dawgs…desperate to pee but unwilling to be hampered with frozen snow-paw syndrome. Yeah, a bitch knows all about those cute dawg paw booties…but certain hounds would rather make sad puppy faces than put on snowshoes. Lawd help me!

2 cups coffee with a healthy dash of organic milk and multitudes of Splenda, 1 Claritin and 2 fake assed Sudafed followed by cigs…

Oh…now y’all think he’s gone too far…
A bitch read this shit with some amusement. Missouri lawmakers have decided to get offended by a certain Reverend Phelps of the gay hating Phelps. It seems that the spawn of Satan has gone too far by protesting…well, err…ranting like a freak outside of military funerals. See, in his deranged mind Reverend Phelps has drawn a connection between the United States military’s bias against gays and…acceptance of gays by that same military.

Don’t try to understand…it will make your head hurt.

So, the spawn of Satan has taken to shouting and screaming about Gawds hatred of all things gay and military outside of the funerals of fallen soldiers.

And now…because of that…Missouri lawmakers think he’s crossed a line!

Cough.

Which is bullshit. Phelps crossed the line of decency a long time ago. And Missouri lawmakers should know that you might ignore a river of shit while it floods your neighbor's house, but it will always seep into your basement eventually and stank it up like a motherfucker. Which is what Rev. Phelps of the deranged Phelps is doing now...by moving his circus of bigotry from the gates of Pridefest to the gates of local cemeteries.

Good luck trying to discuss it with his crazy ass…as if he’s fucking rational. And, sadly, his speech is protected. But readers should know that Missouri lawmakers and voters like to play it fast and loose with those pesky civil rights and liberties...

Assholes.

Which reminds a bitch…

Focus of the Family is coming to St. Louis in February. Really! They will be here to support a massive ex-gay gathering of ex-gays. Anyhoo…folks are gearing up with events and responses.

This bitch is extremely pissed that fucking James Dobson chose a bitch’s birthday weekend to show his ass in the Lou!

Fucker!

A bitch’s birthday is February 22nd…technically it’s the entire month of February but whatever. Now, this shit is bringing all manner of conservative drama to St. Louis during my party time!

There’s only one thing a bitch can do.

That’s right, chil’ren…

AngryBlackBitchfest 2006 February 24-26 in St. Louis, MO!
Audacious sin and bitchitude are fantabulous responses in the face of complete conservative bullshit. A bitch is working on an Ann Coulter skit to be performed live somewhere by a certain Shavita, Blood Ray has already agreed to sing something from Dream Girls in full costume and this bitch has just gotten started!

Yeah!

Now that’s what this bitch calls a counter-protest.
More details to follow…

16 comments:

Jeff said...

Couldn't I just destroy him for you instead (preferably by flaying him alive)? It would be so much more personal than any ol' birthday present. I'm just sayin'....

Shark-fu said...

No flaying allowed! Though a bitch appreciates the offer.

No, we are just going to party like wild heathens!

Jim said...

ABB has the same birthday as my partner - what a cause for celebration! We'll have to head to St. Louis from Columbia for festivities. I'm sure the bars will be crawling with the so-called "ex-gays" like John "I didn't know it was a gay bar, I just stopped in to wash my hands" Paulk. And you know Fred will target AngryBlackBitchfest 2006, for sure!

Shark-fu said...

How cool! Drive on in and join the party...

A bitch must be getting old to be planning my birthday this far in advance.

Drama!

Anyhoo, the more the better to entertain the visitors who accidently stumble into Novaks...on purpose.

flamingbanjo said...

I've heard anecdotal evidence from various gay rights organizations that Rev. Phelps is one of the best recruiting tools they have for public events. When word gets out that he's showing up with his little crew of protesters (most of whom are apparently family members -- if you haven't already, read up on his church and their legal battles some time when you have a minute, it's way creepy but eerily engrossing in that train-wreck, reality TV way) attendance tends to skyrocket. As the horrifying face of fundamentalism, Phelps serves as a rallying point, cautionary tale and walking punchline all rolled into one. I think he singlehandedly has done more to discredit fundamentalist gay-bashing haters than all the well-intentioned liberal protests ever held. The only downside is that makes Pat Robertson look almost reasonable by comparison.

Anonymous said...

You think that's bad? I only live a couple hours north of Focus Ground Zero (Co Spgs). By far the scariest part of Colorado because it's actually a right-wing urban area?!?!?

Fuckers...

Signed, one of your blogstalkers from Denver

Hammer said...

ABB- Phelps, what a creep. You'd think that he'd be spending more time with his children (13 fucking kids? I mean, COME ON. USE A CONDOM! 13? Lordy! He's started his own little nation.) to make sure they don't become gay in their adult years.

And Missouri, what the fuck! What a fucking back asswards red-state. I miss Chicago!

Anyway, count me in on the counter protest party times.
Peace

Kim said...

Lord help! That Phelps man has given me a migrane and made my hemmoroid hurt.

Splattering Words said...

ABB, I drive an F150 and if I saw you, I would try to help you out of any icy-assed areas if I could. Sorry that happened!

Nancy in NYC said...

This bitch is very sorry that she won't be in St. Louis on those dates, 'cause it sounds terrific--not just your festival, but the Dobson gathering of "ex-gays." I'll bet good money that those gatherings are a hot-bed of hook-up activity, and encourage curious queer readers to go test my theory--and then blog about it extensively.

Anonymous said...

I really really love your weblog. You brighten my day. You make me feel hopeful when I'm bleak. I'd tell more people that I love this blog but am afraid of getting slapped if I say "Angry Black Bitch." I really admire the way you are who you are, up front and real. Thanks for every post.

Wildstarryskies said...

I am really having fun reading your blog. It is just terrific! keep bitching. I'm right there with you.

Mr. Brian said...

Dearest ABB:

I would never ask someone else to hate someone, but if I had a choice of one person I could hate so completely and guiltlessly, I think Freaky Fred Phelps would be the man to hate.

Regarding the Ann Coulter skit: This sounds promising. Perhaps a videoblog of the skit in action? Would be fantabulous!

Kate said...

ABB, thanks for a fabulous helping of bitchitude. You make my day! I'll be partying it up ABB-style in Chicago for your birthday.

The Bastard said...

You go girl! I hate beotch motherfuckers in F-150's. Present company excluded!

Big Sinep said...

I love hummers.