Monday, July 31, 2006
Mel Gibson…you have lost your motherfucking mind!
A bitch always suspected that lurking beneath the well tended wound of your new found faithfulness was really a rancid hate filled freak in training with an anger management problem. When Opus Dei came out with that pro-Opus media public relations shit over that code-based film…and they attempted to demonstrate that their members don’t beat themselves with whips as penance by showing the actual tools of correction ***cough** which looked very much like a bitch’s Merciless Rod of bitch-based corrections (the ABB faithful will know that the fuck I’m talking about)…the first person a bitch thought of…the very first person…was Mel Gibson.
Why are you trying to bullshit? A bitch isn’t saying that you didn’t mean to say all that bigoted shit….but a bitch isn’t buying that ‘I don’t really believe that’ bullshit for one fucking second.
This bitch knows drunktitude, a bitch danced with drunktitude and there have been times when drunktitude and a bitch were beyond friends.
Your bigoted comments don’t owe their birth to your blood alcohol level, son.
The fact that they were vocalized?
But at least Mel was drunk off his ass…
Governor Romney has no such cover. A certain I’m better than you and deserve more rights than you because of my high and upstanding values Romney came out as a bigot recently…in Iowa…whilst attempting to kiss some caucus ass!
Guess that one mother and one father shit doesn't always produce a prize calf, huh? Or is he planning to blame this verbal fuck up on the gays too?
And he didn’t even go for an arguable comment!
Uh, uh. That motherfucker said…well, let’s just post the quote.
"The best thing politically would be to stay as far away from that tar baby as I can."
ABB, what was the context?
Great question, chil’ren! He was referring to the Big Dig…not exactly a positive subject given the recent death of a motorist.
Well, fuck it...he’ll most likely recover and start giving political commentary on NBC’s Today Show like Bill Bennett of the I’m pro-life as long as we’re not talking brown life Bennetts!
A bitch is gonna go score a Cherry Lime-aid and pray at the alter of fizzy iced pop for all these ignorant as a motherfucker bigot based stone casting whilst dwelling in glass houses overflowing through the roof with bullshit sinners…every one!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
A bitch is thrilled to announce the newest edition to my world of bitchitude...Ms. Sistergirl MacBook!
We're getting along very well. She hit the ground running right out of the box, which is freakishly consistent with the advertising on this product.
Who knew those smug Apple ads were on point?
Not this bitch!
Well, now I'm a fan...big time.
But blogging is a wee bit different, so be patient as a bitch adjusts....
Friday, July 28, 2006
The GOP…the Republicans…are willing to support the first increase in the minimum wage in forever and a day (keep in mind, these same spend happy greedy motherfuckers haven’t missed an opportunity to vote themselves a raise) but only if that increase in the minimum wage is tied to…
Are you sitting down?
They will support an increase in the minimum wage…which impacts the wages of working Americans throughout the wage scale…as long as that increase is tied to a cut in future inheritance taxes on multimillion-dollar estates.
This is more than a pathetic attempt to defuse a key issue for Democrats this year…this move demonstrates who the majority is looking out for and it sure as shit isn’t the masses.
Drop your Representative a line…regardless of their party affiliation…and let them know how you feel about another tax cut for the mega rich and about this tax cut for the mega rich being the tied to working people’s wages.
And a bitch is personally requesting that y’all tell at least 10 people about this shit…remind them of this bold in your face legislative 'fuck you' next election day…and encourage them to reward these assholes with a ballot based boot to the ass come November.
Shame, shame and double motherfucking shame!
And people ask why a bitch is angry…
Y’all will be the first to know!
This bitch had lunch today with a certain Pampered Queer who thinks that I need to get in touch with my inner child.
Interesting, isn’t it?
He could be on to something.
A bitch may have to get my mischief on this weekend (wink).
Save the date...Monday July 31st a bitch will be guest posting at Rude Pundit along with my sister in bitchitude, Bitch Ph.D.!
Rude Pundit has scheduled the Day of the Bitch, chil’ren.
Y'all best buckle up...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
No, I didn’t loose the book in progress.
Yes, it was very old and illish.
On top of that, my cell phone is in the final stages of phone death too. The #8 no longer works…it sometimes forgets to tell me that people have called…and it heats up when used for more than 3 minutes.
Thank goodness a new cell phone has arrived. Apparently, I qualified for it two years ago. Who knew? It has a camera. I’ll probably figure out how to use it in a couple of years.
As for Ms. Sistergirl VAIO, a bitch is shopping for her replacement. A certain Gatsby’s Ghost is recommending a MacBook/1.83GHz, which also takes pictures.
What’s up with all this taking of pictures while typing and chatting, anyway?
You will be missed, Ms. Sistergirl VAIO….
As co-guardian of an autistic sibling in residential treatment, I have had some run ins with the Missouri Department of Mental Health. So, the opportunity to participate in a public hearing was encouraging.
Until I noticed the date…which is next week, August 3rd…and the time...which is 1:30pm to 4:30pm.
Yeah, that’s bullshit for sure.
Why the fuck would you announce an open meeting with one week notice and schedule it in the middle of the motherfucking day?
Because you don’t really want to hear a damned thing from the public, that's why.
This stinks of some paper pusher crossing this to-do off his or her list with a smirk.
A bitch has a lot of questions.
And my angry black ass will be there, front and center.
In St. Louis from 1:30 to 4:30 p.m. on Aug. 3, at the Metropolitan St. Louis Psychiatric Center's multipurpose room, 5351 Delmar Boulevard.
Lawd, give me strength!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
What did surprise me…and then it pissed me the hell off…was that a certain 'hey its an election year, so now I’m going to show my fucking face in the state I was elected to represent' Senator Jim Talent has placed his media buy early and placed that panderific piece of shit to run...ASAmotherfuckingP.
Okay, son…I know all that money has been burning a hole in your useless pocket, but daaaaammmmnn!
Honey, you don’t have a primary.
Mayhap some consultant told you that you might want to introduce yourself to the people? Well, that’s a motherfucking shame...an incumbent like you running radio ads about how your name is Jim Talent and you’ve been doing a good job.
Shit, if you were throwing down in the kitchen people would be lined up to get a plate!
At least the first television ad was amusing. There was something about ‘it’s not what you promise, it’s what you deliver’ that had a bitch laughing so hard my ass barely made it to the bathroom.
Good stuff…very Enron –Ask Why. Uh, no...that's not a good thing.
But then…yesterday, while a bitch was driving home and listening to 104.9 FM…love it...some crazy assed radio ad came on and…well...Lawd, have mercy!
Send him back?
The ad was weak on substance…because there isn’t much to work with…and heavy on the 'I love black people'. I don’t know who that sister is…and I hope to Gawd she took y’all for some serious cash...but she really, really, really likes Jim Talent.
Who the fuck knows, because she sure as shit wasn't getting paid to get into the details.
Basically, the spokesperson thinks we (black people since 104.9FM has a majority black listenership) should vote for him (Jim of the materializing every 6 years Talent) because he’s a good man who doesn’t believe in dwelling on our differences.
Oh, and she trusts him.
Oh, oh and he is a really, really, really good person...who can be trusted.
This election is a fucking job review for Senator Jim Talent.
Brothers and sisters don’t fall for an insulting deluge of radio ads placed by a candidate with heavy pockets and no substance.
Don’t reward the insult of 'I like black people every 6 years' advertising with one of the most powerful weapons you possess…your vote.
Challenge this motherfucker…challenge his record…make him explain himself.
He failed to speak out on the Senate floor against the rampant spending festival of greed his party has participated in since gaining the majority. Ask him where the surplus went.
I already know where it didn't go.
Talent did vote in favor of massive cuts to student loan programs…social welfare programs…child support programs. $40 million dollars cut…less money sent to Missouri...so that the fat cats could spend it elsewhere on bridges to nowhere and museums of bullshit. These deep cuts impact rural and city dwellers…all ethnic and racial groups…our seniors and those who are mentally disabled.
A society...and a candidate...should be judged on how they address the most vulnerable among us. How's he look on that family value scale?
Ask Jim Talent why the working poor have to carry the burden in his Missouri. Why, when Missouri is hemorrhaging jobs…when raises aren’t happening and the cost of everything is going up…when it is so fucking hard to pay your gas bill and almost impossible to fill up your car with fuel…why did he support a reform to bankruptcy law that shows a better understanding of corporate lobbying talking points than the day to day struggle of the working poor in Missouri?
Ask him why he stands where he stands on stem cell research.
Ask him if he has made any mistakes…if he wishes he could have done something different…how slashing social programs in a time of economic stagnation helps Missouri families…why he has dedicated himself to flag burning when there are people hungry and without medical coverage in Missouri.
Ask Jim Talent where the hell he's been for the past 6 years and give him the job review that elections are all about.
And, by doing so, demonstrate to him and his advisors that the black vote no longer rewards panderific language delivered with paid for passion.
Let them know that they must achieve our vote…or concede the field to she who would.
The problem with putting together a proper preparedness kit for you and yours is…well, money. A bitch is broke, so I am more than familiar with this issue.
However, a bitch has come up with an easy solution…find a lot of friends and hook up a group plan!
There is power in numbers, chil’ren…trust a bitch. Choosing who to include in your Its Us Against the World Box/Bunker Full of Needed Things is actually rather easy. Just make a list of those folks in your circle who are likely to knock on your door when major shit goes down…or who you are likely to hunt down in such an instance.
And now, by request…
ABB’s Preparedness List (a work in progress)
Water…lots of water…factor in the number of people and pets and you will need 1 gallon of water per person/dawg/cat per day.
Mmmhmmm, that’s a lot of H2O!
You should have a water purification kit too…but go ahead and start gathering water because you know your ass isn’t going to want to do that purification shit until you are certain all hell has broken out…which should take a few days at least.
Note – buy extra water each time you go to the store and set it aside in a 'do not touch/reserved for when all hell breaks out' area. It adds up and doesn’t hurt the pocket book so much!
Food…non-perishable food, for the love of all that is holy.
It may look nasty now, but it will look divine when you are hungry. Do not forget your pets and their needs too! Canned food should be stored in the 'do not touch/reserved for when all hell breaks out' area. And try for some variety…some fruits and veggies.
Cookies for C-Money.
You get the picture...
Note – pick up a little bit each time you go to market so that you aren’t feeling the pinch all at once.
Portable battery powered radio…and lots of batteries. Check the batteries when you regularly check the batteries in your smoke detector…you don’t wanna be kicking yourself in the ass when you need them the most.
Flashlights…and lots of batteries.
Sanitation and hygiene shit. Keep it real, people. Situations can get real nasty real quick when you are hold up in a house.
First Aid kit and manual.
Can opener & kitchen shit. Unless you want to eat cold beans out of a can with your hands.
At least one baseball bat.
Think about it (wink).
No one is gonna carve your ass out of anywhere, so be prepared to handle your bitness!
Meds…extra meds…Aspirin, Claritin, eye drops, anti-nastification ointment…shit like that.
Blankets…and pillows too.
Scrabble, because it never gets boring…and C-Money and my Play Husband adore it. Oh and books too.
A whistle to signal for help. Because you may not be able to get pull a Bacall when you really need to.
A dust mask…’cause.
No less than half a tank of gas in your car…because gas pumps don’t work when the electricity is down.
A bike…because gas pumps don’t work when the electricity is out.
Did a bitch mention a baseball bat?
Anyhoo, September is preparedness month and a good time to sit those you care about down…look them in the eye…and tell them that its us against the world and we need a box/room/bunker full of needed shit.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
They are looking for assistance.
From Food Outreach…
Food Outreach's mission is to provide nutritional support and enhance the quality of life of men, women, and children living with HIV/AIDS or cancer.
We are looking for volunteers on Wednesday and Thursday between 9:30AM - 4PM to help us cook and pack meals. If you can only come for one hour, that will help.
We need help cooking and packing meals because we had to discard thousands of meals due to the power outage. The blast freezer with frozen prepared meals and meats stayed frozen for three days, but the temperature skyrocketed above freezing overnight on Saturday.
Board Member, Sam Orlando, Jr. helped us save thousands of dollars by allowing us to use an Orlando Catering's refrigerated van throughout the duration of the outage. We saved the refrigerated food that we were going to use to make boxed lunches; a dinner; and Saturday's cook and pack. We also saved cheeses, biscuits, and produce.
For the first time ever, Food Outreach had to cancel a Monday Hot Lunch. All day Monday, clients, volunteers and staff threw away food but also prepared nearly 2,000 meals, which clients can get today! We are seeing more clients than normal because they also had to throw away food, and many on food stamps have already used their July allotment.
You can read an article in today's Post-Dispatch about the impact the outage had on food agencies including Food Outreach - click here to read the St. Louis Post-Dispatch article. Fox Channel 2 aired an interview last night, again this morning and will be here tomorrow morning to give their viewers an opportunity to help.
Please forward this email to your friends and family. We need volunteers to help us cook and pack frozen prepared meals between 9:30 - 4PM on Wednesday and Thursday. We are also seeking monetary donations that can be made by clicking here, by calling 314.652.FOOD (3663) ext. 22, or mailing a check to 3117 Olive Street, St. Louis, MO 63103. No donation is too small.
Thank you for supporting Food Outreach. We hope you can help us make sure our clients, many who also were without power, replenish the nutritious meals they need to stay healthy.
Thank you for supporting Food Outreach. We hope you can help us make sure our clients, many who also were without power, replenish the nutritious meals they need to stay healthy.
Mr. Snow acknowledged the violence in Iraq, but added that some of the perpetrators may actually be ‘gangs of rowdies’.
A bitch was so intrigued by this phrasing that my ass looked up the exchange on the White House Press Briefing web site like thing.
Question…Since the President's visit to Baghdad, the one secret trip, since then, has the President been satisfied with the progress on the ground?
Mr. Snow…Well, I think -- I don't want to characterize satisfied or dissatisfied. It is clear that there is -- that there is work to do to secure Baghdad. And General Casey has made no secret of that, and other spokesmen in Baghdad have made no secret of that.
So now we're working with the government to say, okay, what can we do. What can we do to go ahead and get into those neighborhoods, deal with sectarian violence, but also deal with the fact that in some cases, there really is just gangs of rowdies?
There is just so much to work with there.
Where to start?
Perhaps with the ever changing language being used to refer to those shooting at us and each other in Iraq…Al Qaeda became terrorists...terrorists became evil doers that then morphed into foreign fighters mixed with evil doing Al Qaeda sympathizers...which danced into a tango with militants who then became insurgent militant forces who later were shortened to insurgents that were revealed to be sectarian fighters who may, in some cases, actually be ‘gangs of rowdies’.
I don’t know what scares me more…the fact that the White House is basically saying that West Side Story is breaking out all over Iraq or the fact that the masses aren’t calling them on this shit.
Gangs of rowdies?
A bitch can’t help but recall the un-agreed upon agreement struck between Scooter B. and the world that ‘as Iraqi forces stand up we will stand down’. Does that include ‘gang of rowdies’ based violence?
So, we are now going back in from whence we just left to re-establish previously re-established order…100 people are being killed every day in sectarian/insurgent/evil doers/militant violence…and we are pledged to 'stay the course' until Iraqi forces get their shit together.
Whatever happened to those trained regiments on the verge of preparedness?
What happened to establishing a shiny example of democratic ecstasy for the Middle East to envy and aspire to?
All hell has broken out and a bitch would appreciate someone…somewhere…having the decency to pretend to keep the lie alive Nixon style.
Produce a barrel of WMD…or some altered picture showing Satan dancing around a giant fire in central Baghdad…something to make this feel less like the never-ending shit spiral of unachievable success followed indefinable victory that it is and always has been.
Gawd, it makes me long for the days of sex scandals and cigar jokes...
Lawd, have mercy!
My ass was in the midst of developing a massive conspiracy theory…
A quick caution to my newest knavish troll - I am Mistress here. If you crave one on one correction, a bitch can put you in touch with some trained experts in the field. Who knows, it could be just your cup of tea (wink). At the very least, the process...and the rod...will certainly teach you some home training.
That should keep the little fucker in prayer for at least a week.
As I was saying, the drama of a huge power outage came a wee bit too close to the heels of a certain Scooter B. and his great energy conservation proposal blah, blah and blah…which was to explore that energy source which our confused leader can not pronounce.
It struck me as odd…California and New York both experiencing bizarre black outs for prolonged periods of time. True, our St. Louis based drama has an identifiable source...but that other shit is strange as hell.
Y’all know a bitch adores a conspiracy theory the way my ass used to adore smoking (wink)!
And speaking of smoking…a bitch made it through the anxiety inspiring drama of the before mentioned power outage without falling off that wagon!
32 days without a cigarette...I hope my fucking lungs are happy now.
Lack of power provided me with a rare opportunity to experience the 24 hour news extravaganza after a significant pause.
A bitch is concerned.
My ass suspects that the producers at CNN are still infatuated with the embeddification of correspondents…to the detriment of actual coverage.
Being able to fly Miles O’Brien to Haifa…score him a family to hang out with and stalk with annoying questions during bombings…secure a camera person willing to live 24/7 with Miles and said annoyed Haifa based bomb shelter confined family…and connect this completely lacking in context coverage to the world via satellite is one thing.
Being able to educate and inform your audience about what is happening…who the players are…the historical context of the conflict…what role, if any, America plays in this shit…why it matters on an international scale…how it will impact Middle East diplomacy in the long term…
…what is at stake in the bloody chess game and who the motherfucking players are…
Yeah, that’s another thing entirely.
A bitch should be able to turn on the television at the top of the fucking news hour and get caught up. Not on the bombing of the moment but on what that bombing means.
Gawd, spare me from technology addicts jonesing to try out their new gadgets during a real bombing.
Cover the story first...add plenty of substance and liberal amounts of context...then layer on the frosting.
And finally, on a preparedness note...
A bitch and C-Money put our Post Katrina Bitch Squad Preparedness Plan in play during this power outage. Battery operated radios are the shit...trust a bitch on that. They are a must have for any Its Me Against the World Disaster Preparedness Box of Needed Things.
Right up there with rations of Smartie based joy...and vodka followed by cran.
Monday, July 24, 2006
...but Blogger has lost its damned mind!
Thanks for all the well wishes and positivitude.
To the locals...many of our fellow St. Louisans are still without power. Be kind and check up on folks!
A kind word and a glass of cool water goes a long way.
Stay tuned for additional bitchitude...once Blogger submits to the merciless rod of correction!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Heaven to hell and back again!
Last night the sky opened up and took a giant shit on
This bitch is hold up in a conference room at C-Money’s office…with Betsey the sorta-beagle…and Sweetie the Three Legged Chow.
Anyway, we are all fine and thanks for the e-mails of concern. This storm was weird, but a bitch wasn’t surprised. Three days of extreme heat almost always equals storm based drama in
To my brothers and sisters in
Toodles for now…
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Better now...everything is so much better now.
Wednesday morning moment of schadenfreudal bliss…
A certain Ralph Reed of the Neanderthalish pre-evolutionary Christian Coalition knave-like Ralph Reeds surface in the Georgia Republican Primary.
Ralphie was running for Lt. Governor.
Ralphie lost...the Republican Primary of all things!
A bitch doesn’t even give a shit about the Republican who beat him…my ass intends to enjoy 24 hours of Ralph motherfucking Reed kicked to the curb and uninvited to the dance schadenfreudal bliss!
Moving forward into the world of policy...
Leaving some chil'ren behind...
House Republicans have unveiled a new education plan. Yes, a bitch shuddered at the thought too. But it gets worse.
The house gave birth to a $100 million dollar school voucher plan…and where the fuck did they find $100 million dollars?
Anyhoo, that baby is ugly as a motherfucker.
Vouchers are like that e-mail Spam. They have a really good hook that captures your attention. Who wouldn’t want to inherit $200 million dollars from a long lost relative who recently died in Bulgaria or help out a recently widowed Nigerian woman who just needs to filter some cash through your bank account & is willing to pay you once the checks cash?
But, much like the deal of the century spam mail I get everyday, if it looks too good to be true it most definitely is.
Vouchers assume that poorly performing schools can not be brought up to par.
Translation for the neo-con trolls in the crowd - they represent a cut and run attitude towards education reform that results in the mission not being accomplished.
The voucher solution disregards 100 years of public school education in lieu of the 'it’s cheaper to toss it' notion of education policy. On the surface, a voucher for a student who is attending a shit public school that would allow her to attend a fantastical private school seems awesome. For many it is way too sexy to pass up. But beneath the bandage there is a funky smell…a stink that is all too familiar.
Yep, that's bullshit.
A bitch suspects that vouchers are an attempt to attack and destroy public school education as we know it.
But why, you ask, would anyone want to destroy public school education?
That’s not really the right question, though. Shouldn’t it be…what are the benefits of destroying public education?
No more unions…and pesky union members…asking for shit like raises and vacations.
No argument against local control of the curriculum! Evolution? Out. Fake science pulled out of Dobson's ass on a whim? Go tell it on the moutain!
No more arguments against prayer in schools. Private schools can simply dictate and require. Think of the time saved and the cult of neo-conservatism recruitment possibilities!
Sex education? Nope. Just say no to the big O? Bring it on!
Reading comprehension? Maybe, but isn’t that really a parent’s right issue (wink)?
And it goes on and on and on.
Public education ended over 100 years of education being the exclusive experience of the rich. It truly is a cornerstone of our democracy. Poor people, rural workers, minorities and women all pushed through a previously locked door and got their education on.
Educating is like baseball.
You throw the ball, you catch the ball and you hit the ball (blantant nod to Bull Durham).
Scooter B.’s education policy has created a void in learning that makes vouchers seem appealing.
The way I see it, if kids are being left behind and clearly don’t know the fundamentals mayhap it’s time to give the coach the boot.
And why do I get the impression Margaret Spellings has W is for Women tattooed on her ass?
Someone needs to do a feminist intervention…well, ummm...she may be too far gone already.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I’ve been dreaming of Alaska…yeah, a nice brisk cool breeze filtering over my skin and through my afro while my feet soak in the cool running water of some intense stream-like water based area.
And there aren’t a lot of people in Alaska (fuck it, this is my heat induced fantasy)…lots of bears, but not a lot of assholes HONKING AND CUTTING A BITCH OFF JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT!
As if they are the only person hot as hell 'round here.
Anger management problem having asses!
It’s not my problem they drive a gas guzzling machine, live 50 miles outside of the city ‘cause they fear the hood and just got assaulted by ‘what the market will bear’ (wink) at the pump.
Damn it all, this heat is wearing on me.
News that Scooter B. plans to acknowledge the existence of the NAACP after a five year absence…which is a brilliant public relations bullshit laden attempt to navigate around the fact that he has not addressed the NAACP since being elected President…caused a bitch to pause.
ABB’s Initial Reaction…
Who the hell wants to sit at a dinner and watch Scooter B. talk all around his food with his mouth wide open, slouch in his chair and say crazy shit?
I can just imagine it.
Concerned NAACP member…"Mr. President, how do you plan to address concerns about disenfranchisement in the age of computerized voting?”
Scooter B., with a mouth full of baked chicken…"Yo! The irony is that they just need to stop doing that shit!”
After some reflection…
What the fuck is the NAACP thinking?
Julian! You need to call a bitch!
This is the political equivalent of cooking dinner for your sister’s husband after he left her and four kids with no food in the house, bills unpaid and a leaky roof!
Gawd, have you no pride?
Tell him you've booked another President…give Carter or Clinton a call...and tell that idiot thanks, but no thanks!
Those desperate vote pandering motherfuckers don't deserve a seat at our table every four years.
ABB’s Final Reaction…
Sigh one more time.
Why is it always the heathen who benefits from the home training of others?
Come on down, Scooter B. and we’ll fix you a plate.
You won’t be the first insensitive, dismissive, bullshit rhetoric spewing, reluctant and uncomfortable, yet desperate for the votes of that confused 10% of black folks who are willing to trade for the appearance of advancement...ahem...asshole politician to speak before the NAACP.
And what the hell, a bitch hopes the membership takes a good hard look! Take notes, my brothers and sisters...and get a good look at what poor voter turnout and an epidemic of apathy will get you.
Let’s just hope he doesn’t touch anybody (play the video and you'll understand)…
Monday, July 17, 2006
Oprah and Gayle are not gay…totally not gay…they think there is nothing wrong with gay, but for the record they are not gay and want to make that clear. Their relationship is 'otherworldly', just not gay…very not gay…beyond not gay…so not gay that their love is the definition of not gay same gender affection.
Oh, and did I mention that they are NOT GAY?
A bitch didn’t bring this shit up out of thin air. Oprah wrote an article saying as much in O Magazine and it is being pre-spun...right round like a record, baby (wink)... all over creation!
Someone wants the masses to know that they are not gay...right?
Or did someone recently confuse Oprah with Ellen?
This is so confusing.
Oprah? Darling, public declarations of ungayness are sooooo 1950's Liberace. Does someone’s magazine need a circulation boost…or was your cable out on a Friday night?
Anyhoo, I always suspected that Oprah's favorite flower was narcissus...
A bitch went door to door this past Saturday to canvass voters! Missouri has a primary August 8th and I wanted to show my support. Being relatively broke, my support came in the form of lots of walking…and knocking…and question answering…and sweating…and enduring of extreme heat.
A bitch should have been born rich.
Anyhoo, canvassing is a great way to remind yourself that the masses are dealing with real issues even if their government is knee deep in panderific bullshit.
People wanted to talk about health care…jobs…education…roads…identity theft…and crime.
A bitch didn’t get a single question about flag burning or who should marry who.
Missouri voters should know that the new voter id law is being challenged. Correction - the photo identification requirment is being challlenged, but is not slated to apply until November 7, 2006. The best way to address this bullshit long term is to kick the current trifling majority the hell out of Jeff. City!
The Missouri Primary is August 8th.
Get your vote on!
No, it was not the curse word that caught my attention…Brother Rob has posted a bit on that here...it was the complete lack of home training!
CNN first chose to air the audio, which was alarming enough. There was quite a lot of mumbling…a constant and repetitive smacking sound that a bitch took to be a grunt...followed by guttural acknowledgements from Scooter B. to a certain Tony Blair, who was updating our fear inspiring leader on some Middle East conflict stuff.
My Gawd…was my first thought…no wonder the Head Asshole in Charge (HAiC) is confused as a motherfucker!
He doesn’t listen!
All that grunting and gasping and interruptus maximus…hush, now and listen for a spell!
Hush...all that muttering makes a bitch want to pinch someone.
Lawd, have mercy!
I rose and prepared a fantabulous cup of coffee. Upon my return CNN was airing the whole episode again…with video.
There’s Scooter B., suit jacket open sitting at a diplomatically round table with Tony Blair leaning against said table yet looming above while trying to converse with him (Scooter B.) about all things Israeli/Hezbollah conflict related.
Scooter B. was chewing…like a cow put fresh out to pasture…with his mouth wide open and tiny bits of Russian munchables floating about for Gawd and everyone to see.
He was seated…and seemed to be gyrating about in his chair…as he chewed with his mouth WIDE FUCKING OPEN!
The noise that a bitch had heard earlier was part interruptus maximus muttering and part open mouth chewage.
You nasty no home training having heathen-like fool!
No way in hell your momma is southern, son. No way in hell! A childhood spent dodging smacks would have broke you of the nastified open mouth speaking at the table habit, right quick.
Not only did it appear that Scooter B. had some serious gas…all that moving about…but he remained seated the entire time.
Talk about prince to pauper diplomacy.
A bitch suspects that the only reason Mr. Blair didn’t seat himself down to converse with the HAiC was that he didn’t want to put himself at eye level with all that open mouth chewage!
Can you blame him?
Well…a bitch would apologize, but my ass is not responsible for this etiquette disaster!
A certain Mistress of Former First Lady-based Rancidity has some explaining to do...
Someone, somewhere needs to advise Scooter B. to hush all that muttering and talking around your food.
A bitch suspects a translator specializing in gauche eating inspired linguistics had to assist CNN so they could discern the word 'shit' in that garbled exchange that kicked this current spin off in the first place...
Friday, July 14, 2006
Heaven to hell and back again, this situation is making a bitch emotional!
...and on a rather serious note…
Please keep a certain Certifiable Princess and her son in your thoughts, meditations and prayers as they tackle an uncertain medical situation.
You keep your head up, my sister!
May you and your family be blessed in this moment and always by the Divine One.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Specifically about what working moms want.
I've just gotta do it, because it made my afro hurt.
ABB’s Rant about the shit on NBC that made my afro hurt…
#1. All women are not fretting over 'having it all'.
And since when has having it all automatically included having a child?
Shame on you, Dawn Fratangelo!
A bitch didn’t sign on for that definition of ‘it all’. Cease reporting on the concerns of women as if poor women, rural women and single women do not exist. We do…we have issues too…and we are a part of that workforce you were speaking of. While working mothers struggle to hit their goals…a bitch prefers 'goals' to 'have it all'…other women at work also struggle to hit our goals. Add us all up, Dawn, and you’ve got a lot of women who are dealing with a lot of shit…real world shit that includes, but is not limited to, the issue of parenting and working outside the home at the same damned time.
Jesus to Gawd and back again, this shit is so blatantly from a position of privilege that a bitch questions the legitimacy of a study that clearly didn’t talk to anyone outside of the upper middle class bubble.
Who the fuck wrote that shit? What did they do, go to Greenwich and start knocking on doors?
Pretty close. Ms. Fratangelo’s report sites a study done by Careerbuilder.com…and Lawd knows that Careerbuilder.com is the first source you think of when searching for demographically balanced and culturally diverse research on America’s workforce!
Lawd, give me strength.
#2. A bitch works…I’m single with no kids…and my ass struggles too. I struggle to find a balance between work, family (yeah, we have them too), the second job that is co-guardianship of a mentally challenged adult (and don’t sleep, there are more of us out there than you think), service to my community and the oft dreamed of but oh so elusive social life I’ve heard tell of.
Don’t act like the only people scaling back on hours are parents. Shit, some are scaling back to assist their parents. A bitch did a major lifestyle change to move back home and participate more actively in my brother’s life. Yet my ass can't remember the last time someone covered something close to my reality.
If an alien from Mars studied America from the perspective of television and news how balanced would their concept be?
Mmhmm, think about it.
Leave the ivory tower, Dawn, and take a subway ride...you need to experience some shit beyond the Upper Trendy Side of NYC.
#3 Since the report dealt with the challenges facing working mothers, a bitch thinks it would have been a great opportunity to address some shit. Single parenting challenges…divorced and remarried with kids from several sets of parents challenges…same-sex couple challenges…and the challenges of poor women and the ever increasing working poor.
Report or step back and exit stage left. Glossing over the diverse reality women face today in favor of a homogenous generalization is bullshit.
Oh and a quick question…just wondering…do father’s feel guilt over missing big events too? Or did Careerbuilder.com only question women?
And…um, Dawn…wouldn’t that be a curious question to follow up on? Are working men struggling to have it all…and if not, why the fuck not?
My afro feels a lot better now.
It appears to me that we are harvesting the bitter crop produced from that bioengineered seed called The Bush Doctrine.
Diplomacy and Lessons Learned from Basic Cooking…
Israel has launched a multi-front offensive against Lebanon and Gaza. The United States of America is floundering at the wheel here…having taken credit for a democratic government in Lebanon and celebrated the ouster of Syrian troops just months ago, they now have Israel aggressing against Lebanon for actions perpetrated by Hezbollah (Hezbollah having been positioned on the public relation tip as not being a part of the Lebanese democratic governmental success that America took credit for, but CNN was kind enough to point out that members do hold elected office).
Sound something like this to me...
Say we have militias in Michigan who regularly engage and kill Canadians across the border and evade domestic capture. Said Michigan militia fighters kidnap Canadian soldiers and bomb border towns, sparking an aggressive response from Canada. Canada bombs Detroit and the airport there, to which the Mayor of Detroit responds by saying “What the fuck? Why are you bombing us? We’re trying to deal with those pesky militias too, but they have support on the border and it’s just not easy!” To which Canada responds…"The bombings will continue until the soldiers are released.” And then the militia tosses a few more bombs…followed by a formal statement of responsibility…followed by Canada closing the border and denying entry…followed by further escalation and drama.
But mayhap a bitch is reading this wrong.
Anyhoo, a bitch is concerned because there doesn’t seem to be a clear path to calm. There are lives at stake…soldiers have been kidnapped and cities are being shelled.
Above and beyond that, this bitch is also concerned about the message being sent by this bizarre set of events.
Syria occupied Lebanon. We encouraged the Lebanese people to boot Syria. A popular Lebanese political figure was killed, which ignited the kindling of a democratic movement that we have been encouraging in Lebanon as part of The Bush Doctrine. The people boot the Syrian military presence. We get all excited and claim Lebanon as an example of the viral spreading of democracy throughout the region…that virus being introduced to the region, according to us, but our ‘liberation’ of Iraq.
So, Lebanon has a young democratically elected government…they still have to deal with the presence of Hezbollah…Israel and Hezbollah are still going at it…and America is now caught in the middle.
The problem is that we are acting like we aren’t caught in the middle…which may lead some aspiring democratic movements in the region to ask what the fucking benefits to an American allegiance are.
Another problem is that Israel clearly does not view the Lebanese government as separate from Hezbollah, but including some Hezbollah elements. Makes sense on the surface because all countries are somewhat responsible with what is launched from within their borders. But a newly elected democratic government being showed up by Israel is exactly what Hezbollah recruitment needs. Shit, y’all might as well shoot an infomercial for them!
And don't get me started on Gaza. America hated Arafat...we saw him as a barrier to all things positive...he dies and we push for elections because we just know that the people are starving for democracy.
And they were! They democratically elected Hamas.
This ram it through and clean it up later technique of diplomacy reminds me of my wee years when I learned some of the basic rules of cooking.
Follow me here.
A bitch used to be impatient in the kitchen....fuck it, everywhere. My ass was always frustrated with how long it took to cook things. Shit, when you’re hungry you’re hungry! But I learned a lesson about patience when boiling eggs one day.
C-Money was eating hard boiled eggs and they looked beyond yummy. A bitch just had to have some.
ABB to C-Money…"How long do I have to cook eggs for them to be done?”
C-Money to ABB…"Gawd, everyone knows that.”
ABB in response…"Just tell me, you ass! Gawd!”
C-Money shot back…"Boil them for 15 minutes.”
Rolling my eyes I went to the kitchen to rustle up some yummified hard boiled eggs.
Water went into a pan…the gas was turned up to high…eggs were dropped in.
Tick was followed by tock and then tick again.
What the fuck?
Finally, after what seemed like hours the water began to boil.
Beyond frustrated with the amount of time it was taking to reach 15 minutes (wink), a bitch said fuck it!
Water was drained, shells were peeled and a bitch prepared to dine.
C-Money to ABB…"You asshole. There’s no way those eggs are done.”
ABB to C-Money…"Shut up! I boiled them.”
C-Money with a smirk…"Yeah. Right.”
One bite told the tale. Yolk oozed forth. A bitch is not a fan of soft boiled eggs.
But Bitch, what the hell does that have to do with the drama in the Middle East?
Glad you asked!
See, my rushing the egg boiling process was the basic cooking equivalent of Cowboy Diplomacy within the Bush Doctrine. Real diplomacy…grown folks diplomacy…takes time.
Oh, you’ll get a product...quickly...through Cowboy Diplomacy, but it may not be the hard boiled version you wanted. If you have the perfect hard boiled egg as a goal you should set that water to boil, add the eggs and wait 15 minutes.
Diplomacy takes time and a lot of patience if you wanna get it right. Rushing it and not having a care for the details can result in a motherfucking mess.
Unless runny egg yolk all over your face is your goal.
Shit, some people should stay the hell out of the kitchen altogether...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Tonight my ass is going to take a walk and burn off some of these nerves.
Jumping right in…
A bitch has a rule that I follow about reading other bloggers before posting…thou shall harvest before thou dines. In other words, a bitch does not read blogs until my ass has posted. Otherwise it is too easy to inadvertently be stimulated by a great thought and neglect your own original thoughts.
This practice usually isn’t hard to adhere to, since a bitch cranks out my posts quickly and usually before midday. But today was one of those rare days when this bitch couldn’t think of a damned thing to write about. Oh, there was lots of stuff swirling around in my head, but nothing came together.
I was just about to say fuck it and post more pictures of beagles when a certain Pontifical Brother of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks called with a fascinating lead.
It seems that District of Columbia's police chief declared a crime emergency.
Washington D.C., home of our federal government…a city lousy with diplomats and elected officials…is overflowing with crime!
Well, that will not do!
Washington D.C. is a tourist attraction…it is our nation’s home base, so to speak…we invite international guests there to discuss shit, for the love of Gawd!
Certainly CNN, Google News and ABC News will be all over this like flies on…
Mercy, none of these news powerhouses has this story featured!
Thank goodness for Drudge (wink).
The capitol city of the United States of America is experiencing a crime wave so intense that the police have cried no mas.
That’s news isn’t it?
Or is a bitch working with an outdated definition of what news is?
Because my ass thinks that a major crime wave in Washington D.C. is more important than Joey Buttafuoco going back to jail, Star Jones Reynolds long term career choices and the latest set of twins to be born months apart due to some medical advancement specific to birthing twins months apart!
Y’all had room on your web sites; you just needed to clean up a bit to expose it!
Lawd, have mercy.
ABB’s Conspiracy Theory Moment…
Or maybe this is a sign of our government’s control of all things media related and this must be what it feels like to live in Russia and not know major shit happening right under your nose! Mmmhmm…this could be a case of pots trash talking kettles!
Or is it simply another sign of the growing infection that is entertainment present in the body that used to be news?
Update - CNN, the television version, decided to cover the D.C. crime wave story this morning. Oh, and they also covered whether Vince Vaughn purchased a massive engagement ring for Jennifer Anniston...going so far as to show the alleged gem and then clarifying that reps for both sorta-stars have denied the report they (CNN of the star fucking CNNs) just spent that last 10 minutes spewing!
Lawd, save us all...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The news that the United States of America ranks 68th in the world when it comes to female representation in national parliaments is a motherfucking shame.
We’re not even talking about evaluating America on women elected to the highest office of the land.
Don’t get me started.
Lawd have mercy.
No, a bitch is talking about women elected to national parliaments…which would be our House of Representatives and Senate.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many times a group of women have related their frustration with an elected official only to dismiss the notion of a woman being able to do the same job.
It hasn’t gone back to that…it never really left that.
Decades of anti-feminist propaganda have resulted in a gender-based version of color struck behavior.
My Grandmother, Gawd rest her soul, was color struck beyond all repair. She used to sit around and talk about how white folks hair was 'good' hair…how lucky so and so was because her child was born light…how we all needed to stay out of the sun lest we get darker. This view was the result of her having grown up in and era of anti-black propaganda. Dark was evil…fair was pure…lighter complexion having blacks were more socially accepted…dark blacks were subject to more abuse. She came of age in 1920’s Mississippi and the lines were sharp as hell.
But I didn’t realize how far her color struckness went until Jesse Jackson ran for President in the early 1980’s. My father was active in the campaign, so our family was all up on the shit. But my Grandmother was beyond dismissive of Jackson’s run.
Now, if she had been against Jackson’s campaign because of a policy stand she disagreed with that would have been one thing. My Grandmother was a wise woman and educated as well. She could have denounced Jackson on policy…but she didn’t. She denounced his run for President at face value…literally. There simply was no way a black man could be more qualified than a white man.
Years later I would wonder at the impact this self hatred had on my Mother and Aunts. How did it impact their perception of self…of their prospects…of their place in the world?
And thoughts of my beloved Grandmother came to mind when I read the news that America was failing badly in gender diversity in elected office.
It’s not a direct comparison, but rather a curiously similar execution.
Watching Laura Bush gaze adoringly at her husband…listening to Condi Rice vehemently defend Bush…suffering through Ann Coulter defending anything conservative, white and male…all of that layers on and honestly is sad as hell.
A bitch doesn’t even like those women.
But why the hell are they propping up some sorry assed excuse for a developed mind rather than taking the lead and executing flawed policy better than he ever thought to execute flawed policy (wink)?
Why stand three steps behind him?
Well, I have come to the conclusion that some women are gender struck.
And it must end. You have to run to not get elected! And you have to not get elected to illuminate the real reason why folks don’t want to vote for women.
So, a bitch is sending out a call to action.
Don’t support Hillary? Fine. But don’t hide behind some gender struck bullshit that she’s unelectable because she is a woman. She’s unelectable because she won’t pass the Democratic Primary litmus test, jumped the gun by pandering off key and out of step to the conservative right two years out and appears unprincipled on core liberal values…and that’s about policy not biology.
Can’t find anyone running worth your vote? That’s your call to run! And that goes for all y’all. Get your minority ass up, file the paperwork and hit the streets!
Get to it and a bitch will join you.
Because a representative democracy with lacks diversity isn’t a representative democracy.
The glass ceiling doesn’t disappear just because you stopped kicking at it…
Monday, July 10, 2006
A certain Gatsby’s Ghost and the Catch have an ice cream making machine.
And guess what they made for this bitch’s enjoyment?
Double fudgey chocolate yumtastic ice cream…with Smarties incorporated.
I’m getting a wee bit illish, but my happy ass can’t stop eating it. Something about the fudgey ice cream makes the milk chocolate of the Smarties more milk chocolate-esque.
Give me a second…okay, another second…fuck it, five minutes.
Oh hell yes!
Anyhoo…ummm, so CNN just announced that Congress is constipated.
Look…look right here.
Mmmhmmm, let that be the last time you doubt me (wink).
Congress is constipated like a tourist returning from a cheese tour. This is not the same as being full of shit...they can’t pass a damned thing. Sadly, their constipation is our loss. When Congress can’t pass legislation it has much the same affect as you not being able to pass shit.
The unpassed shit…pun intended…gets backed up, you start to get sluggish, you then get ill and, if that blockage persists, you can even die. Now, you wouldn’t let yourself walk around for the next four months without being able to take a healthy shit…would you? But that’s what Congress plans to do.
Do nothing motherfuckers.
A bitch was disturbed by this diagnosis of persistent constipation and decided to investigate.
It seems that Congress has been eating a lot of pork…tons of pork…too much pork and not enough healthy stuff. They keep cheating on their constitutionally prescribed weight loss plan and glutting on rich sweets like a federal cost of living pay raise for themselves. But a bitch thinks they could have still avoided being blocked up…they may have had some serious gas, but Congress wouldn’t have this complete blockage if they hadn’t spent the past month indulging in plate after plate of America Values Agenda nastification.
Mercy, why don’t they just eat pickled pigs feet day and night?
Heaven to hell and back again!
But chil’ren, there is a solution. Congress can unclog that system with some high fiber legislation…Social Security reform, education reform, Medicare and Medicaid reform, immigration reform and toss in a renewal of the Voting Rights Act as a vitamin supplement.
Either way, this bitch recommends giving the Congressional restroom some serious distance...
The other problem is that a bitch isn’t terribly fond of change.
Anyhoo, C-Money hooked up our new DVD/VHS playing machine and it was on up in our house! Enron – The Smartest Guys in the Room and The Candidate were viewed back to back.
This bitch was intrigued by the many comments to my post on bullying. To respond just a wee bit to the comment by Part Time Instructor.
Now, one of my few pet peeves is ‘oppression offs’…where various groups attempt to out do each other on how much The Man has treated them more like shit.
Oppression offs get folks no where, accomplish nothing and insult the legacy of those oppressed.
Having said that, a bitch suspects you are searching for a sameness between racist bullying and the bullying of your youth…a sameness that this bitch rejects.
Now, don't fret...a bitch may be angry but my ass is not unkind (wink).
My childhood bully used racism as a tool and, by doing so, harnessed years of violent oppression and implied a level of violent response far beyond the beat down my ass took after break. Since a bitch grew up less than 5 minutes from where the local klan met...and still meets to this day...to discuss the issue of 'those black people moving into their part of town', the implied violence behind her use of the language of racism was a very real thing.
Yes, your bully and my bully were using predictable hooks to get a response and cause distress.
No, the hooks used were not the same.
Unless a bitch is lacking in my understanding of all things Canadian (wink), there is no history in Canada of organized violence against people wearing glasses based on a idealogy of sight impaired segregation resulting in a developed myth of the eyeglass wearing other and the still existing residue of overt government sanctioned oppression.
Rather, there is the bully being a bully and using a predictable hook.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding?
This exploration is still an oppression off.
Let's move on, shall we?
Friday, July 07, 2006
The cake is fantabulous, if a bitch can be so bold as to flatter myself. It’s the perfect cake for tea time…yummy and butter-based…lemon-esque joy! Give it a try and let me know your thoughts.
A bitch slept five straight hours last night, which is pretty damned good for me. Looks like the no-lozenge after 12 noon non-smoking technique works.
The cravings are getting less desperate, but a bitch is going to miss those lozenges…really, really miss them.
Pulling it all together to move forward…
A bitch has been pondering bullying. Lawd knows my happy ass experienced my share of asshole inspired bullying back in the day. Since starting this blog folks have attempted all manner of comment based bullying, but years of bully interactions have hardened a bitch to that shit.
Shit, a bitch has made a study of bullying as part of my ongoing inner work (wink).
Bullying is a sickness too many of us are exposed to. It can be crippling…it can result in self destructive behavior…but it sure as shit is not a disease without origin or treatment.
A bitch was bullied throughout Grade School and Junior High. My tormentors were clever little shits who chose the bathroom or the playground to do their damage. Usually it was verbal, but every now and then they beat on me for a change. As a result, this bitch used to go the whole day without going to the bathroom…drama...and hover near the door rather than play at recess. My reaction was exactly what they wanted…they thrived on my tears and sought power through my pain.
Years later, the wee tormented bitch of my youth had grown into the angry defiant woman of my teens. I sat in a class in High School with one of my childhood tormentors and she looked almost normal to me. She didn’t even recognize me as the child she had dedicated herself to making miserable every fucking day, Monday through Friday, like a devout Catholic attending daily mass. The memory of seeing her sitting there is beyond fresh in my mind…the blond hair, the vivid blue eyes, the tinkling laugh and the absolute confidence that the crimes of her youth would never dare to visit her later in life.
A bitch, being a true bitch, waited. We were studying biographies and she was an active participant in class. Every time she opened her mouth I wanted to jump up and slap the shit out of her. Honest! And a bitch is not a violent person…my ass is not naturally non-violent in a peace loving all the time never even thinking about swatting someone in the back of the head kind of way, but slapping a classmate across the face has never been typical behavior for me. It was disturbing.
Anyway, we arrived at the Autobiography of Malcolm X in our course work.
ABB’s Childhood Bully…"I just don’t understand racism in any form and I found Malcolm X to be racist! Just because someone treats you wrong don’t mean that you should respond that way. ”
This bitch leaned back in my chair and cocked my head…picked up my pencil and coughed politely…"I’m amazed that you are unable to bring a strong understanding of racism to this discussion. As I recall, your feet were firmly planted on the racist path when we were in Grade School together. Perhaps you could enlighten us all on the nuance of your beliefs at the time…you know the ones that inspired you to call me a black piece of shit and tar baby daily?”
The teacher, having what looked to be a convulsion…"I don’t think that is relevant!”
ABB in response…"I disagree! I really don’t see how y’all can expect me to sit here and discuss whether Malcolm X was or was not a racist with a person who, less than 6 years ago, comfortably rolled the 'N word 'out towards me on a daily basis. I find this angle highly relevant.”
All hell broke out…that stank heifer ran out of the class in tears…my teacher demanded an apology…this bitch demanded one for the years of verbal torment and a guidance counselor had to be called in to mediate.
A bitch felt better having addressed it...and why the hell should I be the only one uncomfortable in the room. My ass never signed a forgive and let live waiver on that shit.
This brings me back to the present and the issue of bullying in schools. For our actions there are reactions…that’s one of the most important lessons adults can teach the young. The how, what, when and where of that reaction is out of our control…which is why we should treat each other as we would be treated.
Of all the lessons we should strive to teach at school this one is so vital that it boggles the mind that anti-bullying policies are still lacking structure...if they exist at all.
This bitch is reminded of a story that hit the news several years ago. A mother pulled her child from school and began home schooling him because he was manifesting violent behavior towards his peers. She wanted to give him some distance with his therapy…and to show him that there was no limit to what she was willing to do to help her son heal and thrive.
A bitch has always wondered about the reaction to that action.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Shit, my ass read somewhere that tired driving can be as dangerous as drunk driving!
So, a bitch has been trying to distract myself from the cravings by dreaming about cake.
Specifically, 7Up cake.
Don’t ask me why…fuck it…a bitch adores a good soda pop based cake.
Since it’s been a while since this bitch has posted a recipe, here y’all go.
BTW – To the Vegetarians among us, note the lack of lard-based products. To the Vegans…well, ummm…sorry ‘bout that, but the cow and the chicken involved in the creation of the butter and eggs are free ranging it somewhere in out-state Missouri…promise!
1 ½ cup butter, softened
2 cups sugar
3 cups flour
2 Tbls. Lemon extract
¾ cup 7Up
Cream butter and sugar until smooth. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add flour, lemon extract, and 7Up; mix well. Pour into greased angel food or bundt pan. Bake at 325 degrees for 1 hour and 15 minutes or until done. Let cool and then sprinkle with powered sugar.
Friends in town feel free to drop by a bitch’s office tomorrow for a taste...of the cake (wink).
Everyone is overly polite and faux…pretending that they all are pleased to be there eating stale cakes and sipping cold broth…all the while passing notes under the table trash talking each other left and right.
Imagine all those faux expressions of serenity above table in contrast to the heated debates going on through multitudes of notes passing rapidly back and forth under the table.
A sip of cold broth…a note condemning your neighbor’s military posturing on your other neighbor’s northern border…a nibble of stale rice cake…and another note challenging a trade agreement that you never really wanted to sign in the first place and don’t appreciate being remind of now.
"Would you like some more wine?"
Followed by a note...
Why the fuck are you aiming missiles at my ally?
"Are you pleased with the broth?"
And another note...
How dare you question my oppression of ethnic minorities?
"And are your chil’ren doing well?"
Stated as yet another note is passed...
We never agreed to those sanctions in the first place, asshole!
This is how a bitch imagines things going down and why this bitch thinks so little gets done. Everyone ends up pissed off and unable to state publicly why they are pissed off, hungry as a motherfucker because dinner was stank nasty and dreading the next international diplomatic dinner party-esque event from hell.
Every now and then someone decides to shake shit up at these parties. They stand up, toss their rice cake on the table and shout Fuck this nasty assed shit...why the hell didn’t you serve salad?!? at the top of their lungs.
All hell breaks loose…the party turns into the international diplomatic version of Star Jones at war with Barbara Walters…people take sides and pretend that they have always been best friends for ever and are beyond insulted that anyone would dare to question the absolute joy of stale rice cakes and cold broth for dinner!
It’s all bullshit…statements of support are made with no intention of backing them up…and everyone leaves the party, gets into their vehicles and immediately gets on their cell phones to gossip about each other and how tacky the other folks are and of course the rice cake was nasty and the broth was cold but how gauche to mention it like that and no one would have invited that asshole if he/she didn’t have tons of nuclear weapons.
Anyhoo, a bitch was pondering the diplomatic dinner party from hell that is currently going down in world. North Korea has officially bitched about being ignored all evening and is pissed that America offered Iran a larger bowl of cold broth while ignoring their semi-empty bowl despite the fact that they brought their famed 4th Largest Army of the World Casserole to the table.
China is refusing to even sample the broth as long as Taiwan is allowed in the room…Taiwan is threatening to shove their Pro-Democracy Salad right under China’s nose with a healthy portion of We Have Weapon’s Too and If That’s What It Takes To Get Some Fucking Attention Then So Be It flavoring tossed in for good measure. China, thoroughly annoyed, is openly discussing a trip to the closest drive through fast food joint for a double burger with Massive Military Capabilities and a One China Policy on the side as soon as this drama is over.
Israel can’t believe that everyone else is loading up their collective plates when they need someone to pass them the Escalating Tensions In Need Of Tending To In The Region Salt and the Hello? We Are Massing To On The West Bank Pepper.
Russia is still seething over the snide comment America made about the blandness of their Stalin Wasn’t Such a Bad Guy potatoes and A Free Press Is Overrated kabobs…and they are visibly pleased to see Iran enjoying the dish and going for seconds.
Meanwhile the masses…the people who make up the world these dinner guests tinker with and scheme to dominate…sit with stomachs growling and hungry for peace.
Is peace even on the fucking menu?
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Today is my older brother Bill's birthday!
He is 36 years young today.
Too often autism is seen as a childhood disease. Makes sense, because most families find the early years the most challenging. But a bitch has always found the future daunting…the what’s next that looms over that hill on the horizon for my brother.
What will 40…50…and, Gawd willing, 60 bring for Bill? The questions linger even as a bitch prepares to celebrate 36 years of a world made better by Bill being in it.
For all the worry…for all the sleepless nights relieved only by giving all it all over to the Devine One…for all the pain of separation and the guilt of my 20’s…for all the anxiety over a state government and system that makes is so hard to just be a sister…for all the medical uncertainties and the paperwork and bullshit meetings…
For all of that, there is an unbreakable bond…contagious laughter…joy at a long lazy drive by the river and the blessing that is my brother in my life.
For all the drama there is love.
Happy Birthday Bill!
Unless you spent the weekend vacationing on Krypton you simply must know that North Korea flexed yesterday and this morning by firing off some six or seven missiles in the direction of Alaska.
A bitch was not comforted by the fact that said missiles were duds that fell into the sea.
Nor was a bitch as thrilled as the folks over at CNN who had a news orgasm that was still…well, ummm…breaking this morning.
Well, shit…what do you expect? They’ve spent the past four days fondling that Space Shuttle replica, getting all excited and then...ummm, well...but this isn't that kind of blog.
Anyhoo, this whole Independence Day missile based tantrum got this bitch thinking about trust…and how a bitch doesn’t trust a motherfucking thing coming from my government…and how much this bitch resents not being able to trust the Head Motherfuckers in Charge (HMiC) in times of crisis and attack.
What the fuck?
A bitch should be able to turn on CNN…see them freak out and show the same stock video of miserable North Koreans and the not-at-all-dear leader of all things Hermit Kingdom based…listen to assurances that we have a missile defense system and sleep well.
But nooooooo, a bitch can’t stop thinking about all the other promises and absolute assurances and how completely bullshit based they were. The worst part is that this bitch suspects that the HMiC may actually have thought they had it right all those times before, which terrifies me because that requires a level of confusion previously unexplored.
We’re talking Nixonesque all those war protesters have been hypnotized by Mao for sure uh huh that's right kind of confusion…and that’s no where near the intersection of Reality Circle and Rational Lane on my map, chil’ren!
Lawd, save us.
And on the 230 birthday of the Declaration of Independence a bitch was wide awake…desperate for a cig and settling for my ration of Smarties…and getting more and more pissed off by the minute.
So, a bitch is speaking directly to the HMiC...if you never pull it together again in life, pull your shit together right this minute and a bitch means now.
My ass has not suffered through over 7 days without cigs to have you motherfuckers facilitate the end of the world.
Cease indulging in sessions of Oh thank Gawd that missile misfired, Miss Scarlet! analysis and get your diplomacy on, you peevish shits.
As if the Age of Fubar wasn't already dangerous enough...
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Did it start with want…or need? At some point want was need and need was want and it simply had to be. That passion became a living thing...the energy that fueled a revolution.
Just 230 years ago the founding citizens of the American experiment generated power through passion…engaged in some serious treason against the monarchy…and jumped head first into the ocean of history.
In between hitting the shops and barbequing take a moment to reflect...on our shining moments and our painful mistakes…on all that was generated from the application of political theory just 230 years ago...