Friday, December 16, 2005

Behold the healing power of Smarties...!

Okay, so a bitch was going to post a pure rant of bitchitude today…my ass had just reached my emotional breaking point with the return of Sweetie the 3-legged Chow’s joint stiffness and stomach upset last night.

And then…the postman arrived carrying a large package for this bitch!

SMARTIES! Lots of them! From Montreal! Oh, and a fantabulous holiday candle too! And candy canes with a wonderful card from Jeremy!

Sob.

Thank you…a bitch needed this today more than any day.

My ass will attempt to post pictures of my holiday chocolate feast of Smartie goodness…if this bitch doesn’t eat them all up first!

And who knew that holiday Smarties came in cute little hollow chocolate balls? Which puts a whole new meaning to a bitch being a ball buster…

Yeah!

**Gleefully munching on Smarties and Smartie filled chocolate balls***

Hold on a sec...

***Blissfully tearing into a second chocolate ball and inhaling more Smarties***

As 2005 comes to an end this bitch has received several e-mails from friends detailing their New Year’s resolutions. A bitch does not usually make New Year’s resolutions…shit; life is hard enough without resolving to do shit.

However, a bitch does have some goals for 2006.

ABB’s Preliminary 2006 List of Goals…
Just say no…
In 2005 this bitch did a much better job of not letting my ass get talked into shit. Better, but there’s still room for improvement on that front. So, in 2006 a bitch will endeavor to practice the fine art of honesty and say no to shit my ass does not want to do more often!

The walking of dawgs…
A bitch has slipped in my dawg walking responsibilities. The cold weather coupled with a backyard has combined to make up one really lame excuse for not exercising the sorta-beagle and the mistress of chowness more. Add to that Sweetie’s recent leg stiffness and Betsey’s general laziness and it will clearly be up to this bitch to get that ball rolling again. 2006 will be the year of the well-walked dawg!

Motivate, research, dig in and take names…
Since a bitch has kicked my women’s group to the curb for being a gaggle of backstabbing power hungry heifers, my ass has more time. Which, unfortunately, will be channeled into the battle that will be my brother’s on-going care. Medicaid cuts, Department of Mental Health battles and a general tendency for the State of Missouri to attempt to fuck my beloved brother over have all combined to equal one thing…a highly motivated bitch with tons of free time on my hand to advocate like a motherfucker! Come correct in 2006 or feel my wrath!

**Pause to munch on more Smarties**

Health and the modern bitch…
Thankfully, the walking of all bitch related dawgs more often would cover some of my health goals. But, being realistic, a bitch will never be one of those healthy eaters. My ass has no intention of dying old without any recent memory of the flavor of something fried and/or smothered on my tongue. So, we’ll just say a bitch intends to practice moderation and leave it at that…

The book, books and on-going writing…
This bitch shall finish the first draft of my first book in 1Q 2006. The other book ideas that have spun off from the writing of this first book should offer tons of writing fun throughout the year!

Family and friends…
My family and my extended family mean the world to me. So, why the hell spend time with assholes when you can hang out with people you actually like? In 2006, this bitch will make more time for people who matter. Nuff said!

Whew…shit, that’s quite a list.

***Casually tossing several Smarties into my mouth***

Thank Gawd this bitch has 12 months to get this shit done!

Oh, my ass is going to be sick!

Fuck it...bless you for my Smarties, Jeremy from Montreal!

16 comments:

Boo said...

Holiday candle?! Why oh why have you joined the War On Christmas (tm)??!!

CanEragon said...

I sent her those Smarties, because she likes them, and the package made her day!

Glad you are enjoying them!

Merry HO HO HO !!

We are digging out of a snow storm that dropped almost 2 1/2 feet of snow in 8 hours!

Jer.

Shark-fu said...

'Tis a holiday candle! It has a snowman in fetching winter gear with a shovel in one hand and a kettle full of...are those Smarties in the there?..in the other.

Oh, the sugar rush is going to my head!

Anyhoo...did we declare war on Christmas? Hmmmm...

Anonymous said...

ABB,
I am getting ready to commit blog abuse - but I have no other outlet! I've been reading about the winner for the Apprentice - Randall and how he wanted to be the one and only apprentice. Everyone is up in arms about his choice to be the one and only!

I say - good on Randall. Why does he have to share the prize? He deserves to win and why should he have to be the Apprentice Part A. In there past, there have been finalist who both should have won (i.e. Kwame and Bill - and Kwame still performed even though he had that witch Omarosa on his squad.)

But now, all of a sudden Randall should share...Fxksd that. Tell these people to get their head out of their butts and accept that fact that the name of the show is The Aprentice - not the Aprenti.

That is all. Again, sorry for the blog abuse. I will work on getting my own web-estate.

CSC

Boo said...

Actually, the Traditional Values Coalition has revealed the truth that the War On Christmas(tm) is actually a War On Christianity(tm)!!! Why do you want to destroy Christianity, oh angry one?! Snowmen and shovels and fetching winter gear are the exclusive properties of Christmas and Christians!!! I mean, just look at everything the Traditional Values Coalition is shoveling!

Ahh, I get it! You're going to burn the snowman and fetching gear in an orgy of anti-Christian violence, aren't you??!! And offer prayers to Ba'al as the poor white conservative christian snowman is melted in pagan blasphemy!!!

Shark-fu said...

CSC

Given the tone of some responses regarding a bitch's Kong post, that wasn't anywhere near abusive...wink.

Shit...you would think some of these people were related to Kong by blood!

Anyhoo...contrary to popular belief, a bitch does not mouth off without a familiarity with the subject matter. Since my ass has not seen The Apprentice this year (sorry, been busy bitching) this bitch is going to pass.

But feel free to get your bitch on!

Oh, and do let a bitch know when you've set up a blog home.

Shark-fu said...

Boo...
Have you lost your fucking mind?

Oh, and Happy Fucking Holidays!

Kim said...

I made myself the resolution two years ago to learn to say "NO!" I'm doing much better, I do occasionally slip. This year I plan to add to the "No" resolution that I won't offer up lame ass excuses. My no means just that and that's the end of the discussion. (at least that's the plan)

Geogrrl said...

Yay for the healing power of Smarties!

I thought I'd post this one... there is a lot of good in Canadian society, and, as I said, you won't be hassled when you go.

However, that doesn't mean we don't have our share of asshats as evidenced by the Yarn Harlot's blog.

Believe me, the Yarn Harlot has no problem telling people off. The fact that she didn't tell off these asshats is because, as she said, she didn't want to spoil things for her daughter.

http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/archives/2005/12/16/the_sammy_show.html

The interesting bit comes after all the photographs.

Boo said...

According to the CIA caseworkers who read the printouts that the microchips in my brain generate, apparently yes.

Merry Fucking Christmas ABB!

Oh, and it was Worldnetdaily, not TVC. My bad.

Anonymous said...

My resolution --

Stop reading ABB. It's getting boring. All the "bitch" this and "bitch" that gets old. It's like you're separating yourself from responsibility for what you say. It's forced sassiness -- monotony.

The other problem with your blog is that you go on and on in these short little sentences that don't get you anywhere. It's not writing, it's typing. You don't have anything much to say, but you say it all the same.

Good luck finding a point and sonme style in 2006.

Anonymous said...

My resolution --

Stop reading ABB. It's getting boring. All the "bitch" this and "bitch" that gets old. It's like you're separating yourself from responsibility for what you say. It's forced sassiness -- monotony.

The other problem with your blog is that you go on and on in these short little sentences that don't get you anywhere. It's not writing, it's typing. You don't have anything much to say, but you say it all the same.

Good luck finding a point and sonme style in 2006.

Geogrrl said...

So you felt the need to anonymously announce your non-reading of the blog?

Wow. Someone has an inflated sense of their own importance.

Anonymous said...

Talking about a poster's inflated sense of one's own importance is rather ironic on a personal blog, don't you think?

Mr. Brian said...

woohoo on the package of Smarties! Nice list; now I shall feel compelled to list some goals (NOT resolutions) for 2006 as well!

Blood Ray said...

It's actually not ironic at all. No one has used that word correctly since Alanis wrote that damn song.