Monday, January 30, 2006

State of the Union Preparedness...

A bitch hopes y'all had a good weekend.

Saturday night found this bitch and a couple hundred of my fellow St. Louisans at a trivia night fundraiser sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign and benefiting several GLBT causes. Sadly, this bitch was put squarely in my intellectual place…shit, who the hell knows everything there is to know about St. Louis history, cartoons and candy bar lineage? Anyhoo, it was fun and raised some serious cash for some very worthy organizations.

My ego will recover with time…maybe a couple more hours at the most.

Moving forward…

A bitch is eagerly anticipating the State of the Union tomorrow! As most of you know, this bitch is committed to reporting both the texture and quantity of Presidential bullshit. Trust that the 2006 State of the Union address will be given my full attention.

In keeping with the administration's 'manage their expectations and our guy won't look like the complete dumbass he is' battle plan, CNN.com is already posting ‘leaked’ spinables of the President’s address.

The anticipation is almost too much!

ABB’s Department of Bitchitude State of the Union preparation list of must haves…
Smothered soul food goodness
procured from Sweetie Pie’s on Manchester.

A yummy butter-based cake with creamy chocolate icing...every speech deserves some cake.

Vodka…preferably Swedish, but Russian will do in a pinch.

Cran…this bitch plans to have both 100% cran and a grape/cran blend on hand for variety.

Cigs…my ass is weak.

A legal pad for noting down specific bullshit laden phrases like “axis of evil” and “I have an energy plan”.

Sudafed…if you have to ask you don’t know a bitch.

Vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and chocolate sauce…if we must suffer, then we shall suffer with an ice cream sundae in our belly.

Whew! That should do it.

Oh wait, how could a bitch forget…the score card!

ABB’s State of the Union score card of anticipated bullshit…
1. Reference to September 11, 2001 = 1 point per reference

2. Utilization of September 11, 2001 as excuse for illegal domestic spy scheme (a.k.a. the post 9/11 versus pre 9/11 Rovian 'I’m more patriotic that you are' spin) = 2 points per utilization

3. Nixonesque sweaty upper lip complete denial of Executive’s lack of legal footing for illegal domestic spy scheme = 3 points per denial

4. If he cocks his head to the side and snorts through his good nostril = 2 points per snort

5. Smarmy glassy eyed sanctified man on woman and married before Gawd adoration towards Laura Bush = 5 points per random nod at unelected spouse

6. A 'do y'all have any idea how fucking cheesy you look' elected official participation in an ink stained finger salute (note, a bitch does not expect to see this shit in honor of the triumph of democracy in Gaza) = consume a slice of cake and 2 points per unified stained finger raising

7. Lifting of 2005 phrase “this plan will reduce our dependence on foreign oil” = consume one (1) ice cream sundae and 3 points per out of touch reference to failed energy program

A bitch is betting Scooter B. scores well into the 50+ point range...

20 comments:

CrankyProf said...

Oh! Can we make this the Bitch's State of the Union Drinking Game??

I must go procure my vodka and cranberry goodness -- although the Amaretto sours may be flowing freely, as well.

How many points does mentioning "intervention in Iran" get?

Blood Ray said...

You been linked again at Broadway World!

http://www.broadwayworld.com/board/readmessage.cfm?thread=884930&boardname=off&dt=1

Absolut Billy said...

I ate at sweetie pies the other day fo rfirst time..soooooooo good..salisbury steak, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy. yummm im rEady for ANOTHER VISIT!

Shark-fu said...

Name the time and the place AbsolutBilly and you know a bitch is down for soul food.

CrankyP...feel free to offer up a drinking game option. A bitch was too scared to add shots of vodka to points (gasp, that's a lot of vodka)!

Linked at Broadway World? Oh my...

Catherine Vocalist said...

I also look forward to the State of the Union but I will be indulging in 2 buck chuck red wine because it gives you the right kind of buzz for listening to presidential bullshit.

I just love reading your posts, ABB... I wanna be u when I grow up! :)

Justin24601 said...

Great seeing you Saturday night!

:)

cats said...

i never thought i'd be hoping that this pres would score any kind of points... until now

Old Fireballer said...

President Nixon was the master of the State of the Union. While he was orally delivering the purported text of the address, he simultaneously gave a completely separate one, through a series of hand signals, knowing winks, and coded body language. Sweaty upper lip notwithstanding, the guy was a marvel.

AOB said...

Since I am in Seoul Korea right now and having heard the scoop on North Korea from the South Koreans and having visited the DMZ, the inclusion of North Korea in the bag of crazy bastards is right on target...

Interestingly enough the South Koreans call the North Korean agents terrorists...

BTW South Korea is the new it country..... :)for this bitch anyway.....

Homer said...

I admire your ability to watch him speechify. I am reduced to screaming obscenities whenever I hear his grating voice. I would need a whole lot of cran n vodka and choc cake to calm me down!!!

Absolut Billy said...

Sweetie Pies..Thurs...noonish? :)

Anonymous said...

I will pass. Bush gives me the willies..I'll just catch you good folks and let you fill me in.I do love ABB..

cygirl said...

Oh, God. What kind of soul food? I'm missing my southern friends SO much right now.... Mmmm, greens with bacon:)

Also, must concur with Katherine-

I just love reading your posts, ABB... I wanna be u when I grow up! :)

cats said...

coretta scott king has died. and i am now terrified that they are rewriting his speech.

i am filled with such sadness and joy that she is with him again.

Anonymous said...

LOL@ "his good nostril."

Madgirl said...

You know when you see something that is so wonderful, it fills you with pride just to be a part of it?
I am so proud and envious of this website. If I had had some forsight, my websight would have brought me here....my own sight was caught up in hater-aid, which I drink every morning, while yours just sings. Book marking you now.

please check my site; perhaps I'll get back to the heart of things....

sincerely ,

Madgirl

Anonymous said...

Thot you might like this...

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day.

As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition:
one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature
of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a
.

.
groundhog."

JazZi said...

And only six sentences about the victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.....almost an entire American city is wiped off the face of the earth, and the jackass can only come up with six measly sentences. Good thing terrorists weren't responsible....he could have rambled on for hours.

Joolya said...

ABB< I thenk next year we should all play the SotU Drinking Game. Drink whenever POTUS says "liberty" "Saddam" "terrer" etc and extra super grande shots for "Evil" and "Nukular". With bong hits whenever camera points to Laura and Her Racially And Ethnically Diverse Cohort.

CRT Law Mama said...

Sista, Sista, where art thou? LMAO. Ok, sorry, but I have been waiting for your commentary all morning. I myself, cheated, set the DVR and printed out the transcripts at work this morning. I can't listen to him anymore- at night, after the baby is in bed, I am often too tired to get angry. But like you say, it is the anger that motivates us into action. Maybe motherhood has tempered my anger? But does that mean it will temper my action? Lawd no! (in the words of ABB, besides me).. I will figure this mommy-radical-revolutionary-role soon. Oh, and to the comment above- he did change his speech as soon as he heard the great Coretta King died! :0( No class, no respect, no balls...