Thursday, January 12, 2006

Crying and be-freckled bullshit...

This bitch indulged in a CNN festival last night and Lawd was it a wild trip!

A bitch settled onto my couch in my designated bitchitude area with a fresh vodka cran and the new Vanity Fair featuring Lindsay Lohan on the cover. My beloved TiVo was fixed to CNN and Betsey the sorta-beagle was snuggled in for a nap. What could be better?

There’s no crying in baseball!
At the top of the hour a glamorous CNN anchor (when did they start hiring super models to read the news?) informed this bitch that Mrs. Alito, wife of Supreme Court Associate Justice nominee Sam Alito, broke down and cried and had to leave the Senate chamber during the confirmation hearing Wednesday.

Pause.

Sip vodka cran….sip vodka cran again (yummy!!).

Hit rewind followed by play.

There's Sam and behind him...oh, there's Mrs. Sam...crying.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!

There’s no crying in baseball!

You never...NEVER...let them see you weep! Haven't you done enough...both of you...now, you're going to sit there and fucking SOB on national television!

What the...?

Okay, so a bunch of Senators pointed out that your husband was a member of some alumni association connected to Princeton that aggressively bitched that women (oh, perish the thought) and people of color (Lawd have mercy) were being admitted to their blessed white bastion of privileged grade inflation. Mrs. Alito didn’t break down and cry while the kids on the left lit into her husband….no, she waits until Senator Graham absolves Alito of all bigotry in a rather plain spoken soft shoe question…

Are you a bigot... or something like that?

And Alito, that shady motherfucker, had the audacity to pause and consider the answer! For the love of all that’s holy! You’ve got Alito pausing and looking flustered, Senator Graham looking rather pleased with himself and Mrs. Alito (because she has no separate identity from her husband and why on earth would she want to…shit, even CNN refers to her as Mrs. Alito…Gawd, is this 1952?) breaking down into a fucking chin quivering pre-sob red faced Victorian sorta-faint in the middle of a motherfucking United States Senate confirmation chamber-like room!

Mercy!

This bitch is not against crying…but my ass wouldn’t have let anyone have the pleasure of seeing me cry in public over that shit. Sorry, but a bitch is hard like that. The again, my mate wouldn't have been a member of a bigotted organization that the only defense against being associated with is that you weren't aware that they were advocating gender and racial segregation.

Nope...not my type.

Anyhoo, hold it together Mrs. Alito! Women have weathered far more disturbing shit on the Hill...ask Anita. And why the fuck weep when you can get angry? This bitch couldn’t help wondering…was Mrs. Alito crying because folks were attacking her husband or because she just realized that her husband is a retro-bigot?

Whatever. Cease crying! You married an asshole and now the whole world knows it. Buck up and take it like a woman…

Freckles…
As a bitch mentioned, my ass was reading the new Vanity Fair while tuning in to CNN’s rehash of Mrs. Alito’s emotional breakdown, her husband's Senatorial tap dance and all things confirmation related.

Lindsay Lohan has freckles…everywhere. She graces the cover of Vanity Fair…with her freckles and a rather tragic emaciated attempt to revive the lush feminine beauty of Marilyn Monroe. The problem is that Marilyn ate…food…on a regular basis. Lindsay looks more like Marilyn in the news footage after one of her divorces…you know the one, where her hair was all tore up and she was clearly under the influence of medicinal assistance…yeah, that clip where she looks like she needs a good meal and 8 hours of sleep.

Anyhoo…Lohan is on the cover and they even wrote an article about her tragic teen queen ass…how that ass got really skinny…why her ass got skinny…the bones that poked out of that be-freckled skinny ass…and why she’s all better now. It was basically a re-write of every 'teen trying to transition into adult while dabbling in music, videos, film and drugs and not doing any of them well…who gets hooked on being thin, parties her ass off, has some nude photos taken or video tapes uninspired sex with her boyfriend or videotapes uninspired sex with her girlfriend or has her left breast pop out on the red carpet' story.

Sigh.

This was nothing new.

Nor was it new to have Lohan issue some bullshit statement that she was shocked and horrified with the article and disputes all of it…probably even the freckles.

Honey?

Lindsay!?

Shut the fuck up! Gawd, give me Taylor and Burton over this shit any day. The only thing more pathetic than cooperating with a refried Hollywood teen queen tragedy article in Vanity Fair is disputing the refried lame ass so-already-been-done elements of said piece of shit article!

Shit. At least give us some juicy detail then dispute that...or go suntanning with your co-star buck-naked off of Capri while your new husband, who you stole from your best friend while griveing the love of your life's tragic death in a plane crash, reads about your torrid love affair in the press!

Oh. My bad...there's that Taylor/Burton thing again.

Lindsay! Drop the bleached blond hair, keep the freckles, eat...food...and fire everyone associated with the past 6 months of your public relations life.

8 comments:

Susan D. said...

When Mean Girls first came out, I thought Lindsay was a very welcome, uniquely pretty new Hollywood face. But now that the ravenous forces of LA culture have got their claws into her, and she went all skinny and blond and stuff, I swear I never even recognize her when I see her anymore. It's not as if she's like a totally new beautiful girl every time I see her. No, she doesn't really look like... anything... or anyone... she's just this anonymous blond skinny chick. Lindsay, you let them take your "you" away and now you're just not special anymore. Take a page from Scarlett Johansen's book.

Anonymous said...

Today is "Don't Take A Wife To Work Day!"

This pampered cocooned bubble bitch has never heard a cross word spoken about her self righteous husband.

I betcha today those wimpy progressive assholes lighten up and wave Alito on through! If it had been a democrat being grilled the headlines would have shouted "Wife of Democatic Nominee Emotionally Unstable"

nostradumass said...

ho... lee... shhhiiittt....

this is where the dems should've intensified their questioning... the truth hurts.

and what is with the republicans and their "questions". i watched some of it on cspan (i don't get cnn) and couldn't believe the ten minutes of ball-sucking followed by, "so my question is, do you prefer ice cream or cake?" w...t...f...?

boltgirl said...

Since you brought up Anita, did you happen to catch the end of Grassley's questioning? You know, the 15 minutes he spent yammering on and on and on about nothing particularly germane, in a high, whiny voice--much like the elderly great-uncle I inevitably get stuck next to at Thanksgiving dinner--and capped by saying to Specter that the last time he went on like that in a confirmation hearing, people said he was "mistreating Anita Hill?" Then they both leaned back in their chairs and had a good guffaw. Hullloooooooo, Amerry-kuh, they're laughing at all of us...

Disgusted in St. Louis said...

ABB,

A little something I made for you in response to this post:

Alito: A League of His Own

BroncoRose said...

Yes, I'm sitting here looking at my Vanity Fair right now...with all that's going on in world, I could care less about her crazy daddy or her aversion to food.

Homer said...

I wonder who thought up the idea for Martha Ann to start sobbing? It certainly worked, all the attention got diverted to her sniveling instead of her husband's racist past.

mrshammer said...

Oh man ! Liz and Burton !
Liz was a baaaaad bitch ! She said ," I'll take your man !" and did.
Now that was a scandal !