My ass is in full bitch mode. Fuck it all! A full boycott of the Today Show is in effect, because they managed to completely avoid coverage of Latoyia Figueroa. A bitch is disgusted and therefore shall not watch a single minute of those peevish little shits!
My morning began with a divine cup of coffee (splash of cinnamon in the mix), a dash of 1% organic milk and Splenda, 2 Medi-phedrine, 2 Excedrin and 1 Claritin. Ahhhhh!
A bitch is really suffering from a malaise! His Supreme Pontificalness, Brother Rob Thurman, and Brother This Guy are predicting the end of the world and the Great War of the Fembots, which isn’t helping a bitch’s malaise. Brother Rob is all doomsdayesque and “let’s find a compound in rural Kentucky to wait out the end of days!” Jesus!
A bitch plans to score some soul food at lunch and snap out of shit mood over some serious greens and hot sauce.
This bitch has been thinking fondly of dear old St. Louis. Now that the heat wave has broken, my ass no longer resents every fucking brick in this town out of spite! A bitch can now look about me and enjoy what is a really funky little town…without breaking a sweat.
A bitch wasn’t born in Missouri, but my ass was raised here. My childhood, most of which I blissfully can’t recall, was spent in St. Louis county. We rarely made it into the city. So, when a bitch went off to college outside of Boston it was quite an adjustment. Cars didn’t stop, people seemed mad all the time and the fucking winter made a bitch wonder at the miracle our nation is…just think how bad England had to be for people to settle Boston in January! Anyhoo, a bitch soon began to enjoy the benefits of city living.
My ass has always enjoyed different places. My fascination with people, places and culture is what made me major in Anthropology. Who knew there was no money in it? Boston wasn’t home, but home fucking sucked so this bitch decided to dive in and make the best of it.
After Boston a bitch moved to Texas. Talk about adjustment! My ass spent an entire year bitching about how it wasn’t Boston. At some point, it occurred to me that I was being a dumb ass. Rather than complain about what Dallas wasn’t this bitch decided to embrace what Dallas is. It was salsa and margaritas 24/7, chil’ren. Eight years later, a bitch left Texas with a heavy heart and 25 extra pounds. Who can resist sour cream burritos? Not this bitch!
A bitch moved back to St. Louis in December of 2002 and was immediately caught up in the holiday swing. Since my ass had never lived in the city, St. Louis was totally new to me.
The problem with St. Louis is that St. Louisans don’t appreciate it. We talk down about our town more than anyone. This bitch has lived quite a few places and St. Louis has nothing to be ashamed of! Trust me, most placed end up being either a large or small version of Cleveland and protests to the contrary are fueled by an overly inflated city-ego and a lack of respect for…well…Cleveland! It’s just a town, people. And this bitch loves my bad-school having, Democratic voting, beer producing, crime ridden brick town to pieces!
What ABB loves about St. Louis…
Ted Drewes Frozen Custard This bitch loves the crowd and people watching at the custard stand. I love the fact that this is a unique experience and that it always lives up to my expectations. I fucking hate the calories. If you come to St. Louis and don’t try Ted Drewes you are an asshole!
Diners A bitch has a particular fondness for diners and we’ve got tons of them. A bitch can get cheesy eggs anywhere and anytime! City Diner, Courtesy Diner, Uncle Bill's (though not technically a diner) - this town is lousy with them!
An affordable bar scene for people over 30 This is a huge thing! Some cities have an over 30 bar scene, but who the fuck wants to shell out $15 for a vodka/cran that’s mostly cran just to sit in a bar full of self obsessed morons who have no knowledge of current events and can only discuss their workout, where they workout or how they plan to change their workout. Fuck that! Give this bitch AMP or Grandma’s any day. Adults, the ability to smoke inside, reasonable yet strong drinks and stimulating conversation are all a bitch needs.
Theatre featuring your friends A bitch enjoys a good show, but I simply adore the fact that St. Louis theatre usually has someone I know in it. And it’s good shit, too! Fucking check it out. There is life beyond The Fox and there are some truly talented folks putting on cool shit. Oh, and the price of tickets won't feel like a violent assault either!
There’s more (people who read, cool schools, great tattoo shops, moving traffic, rents under $500), but a bitch has to go get that soul food now.
If you live in St. Louis, good for you and a bitch hopes to see you out and about!
If you don't, come visit and a bitch just may buy you a vodka/cran...
Oh shit! All that positivity just broke my fucking malaise!