Thursday, July 28, 2005

Meet me in St. Louis...

My ass is in full bitch mode. Fuck it all! A full boycott of the Today Show is in effect, because they managed to completely avoid coverage of Latoyia Figueroa. A bitch is disgusted and therefore shall not watch a single minute of those peevish little shits!

My morning began with a divine cup of coffee (splash of cinnamon in the mix), a dash of 1% organic milk and Splenda, 2 Medi-phedrine, 2 Excedrin and 1 Claritin. Ahhhhh!

A bitch is really suffering from a malaise! His Supreme Pontificalness, Brother Rob Thurman, and Brother This Guy are predicting the end of the world and the Great War of the Fembots, which isn’t helping a bitch’s malaise. Brother Rob is all doomsdayesque and “let’s find a compound in rural Kentucky to wait out the end of days!” Jesus!

Sigh.

A bitch plans to score some soul food at lunch and snap out of shit mood over some serious greens and hot sauce.

This bitch has been thinking fondly of dear old St. Louis. Now that the heat wave has broken, my ass no longer resents every fucking brick in this town out of spite! A bitch can now look about me and enjoy what is a really funky little town…without breaking a sweat.

A bitch wasn’t born in Missouri, but my ass was raised here. My childhood, most of which I blissfully can’t recall, was spent in St. Louis county. We rarely made it into the city. So, when a bitch went off to college outside of Boston it was quite an adjustment. Cars didn’t stop, people seemed mad all the time and the fucking winter made a bitch wonder at the miracle our nation is…just think how bad England had to be for people to settle Boston in January! Anyhoo, a bitch soon began to enjoy the benefits of city living.

My ass has always enjoyed different places. My fascination with people, places and culture is what made me major in Anthropology. Who knew there was no money in it? Boston wasn’t home, but home fucking sucked so this bitch decided to dive in and make the best of it.

After Boston a bitch moved to Texas. Talk about adjustment! My ass spent an entire year bitching about how it wasn’t Boston. At some point, it occurred to me that I was being a dumb ass. Rather than complain about what Dallas wasn’t this bitch decided to embrace what Dallas is. It was salsa and margaritas 24/7, chil’ren. Eight years later, a bitch left Texas with a heavy heart and 25 extra pounds. Who can resist sour cream burritos? Not this bitch!

A bitch moved back to St. Louis in December of 2002 and was immediately caught up in the holiday swing. Since my ass had never lived in the city, St. Louis was totally new to me.

The problem with St. Louis is that St. Louisans don’t appreciate it. We talk down about our town more than anyone. This bitch has lived quite a few places and St. Louis has nothing to be ashamed of! Trust me, most placed end up being either a large or small version of Cleveland and protests to the contrary are fueled by an overly inflated city-ego and a lack of respect for…well…Cleveland! It’s just a town, people. And this bitch loves my bad-school having, Democratic voting, beer producing, crime ridden brick town to pieces!

What ABB loves about St. Louis…

Ted Drewes Frozen Custard This bitch loves the crowd and people watching at the custard stand. I love the fact that this is a unique experience and that it always lives up to my expectations. I fucking hate the calories. If you come to St. Louis and don’t try Ted Drewes you are an asshole!

Diners A bitch has a particular fondness for diners and we’ve got tons of them. A bitch can get cheesy eggs anywhere and anytime! City Diner, Courtesy Diner, Uncle Bill's (though not technically a diner) - this town is lousy with them!

An affordable bar scene for people over 30 This is a huge thing! Some cities have an over 30 bar scene, but who the fuck wants to shell out $15 for a vodka/cran that’s mostly cran just to sit in a bar full of self obsessed morons who have no knowledge of current events and can only discuss their workout, where they workout or how they plan to change their workout. Fuck that! Give this bitch AMP or Grandma’s any day. Adults, the ability to smoke inside, reasonable yet strong drinks and stimulating conversation are all a bitch needs.

Theatre featuring your friends A bitch enjoys a good show, but I simply adore the fact that St. Louis theatre usually has someone I know in it. And it’s good shit, too! Fucking check it out. There is life beyond The Fox and there are some truly talented folks putting on cool shit. Oh, and the price of tickets won't feel like a violent assault either!

There’s more (people who read, cool schools, great tattoo shops, moving traffic, rents under $500), but a bitch has to go get that soul food now.

If you live in St. Louis, good for you and a bitch hopes to see you out and about!

If you don't, come visit and a bitch just may buy you a vodka/cran...

Oh shit! All that positivity just broke my fucking malaise!

18 comments:

Catherine Vocalist said...

You're a bad influence, ABB. Sooner or later, I'll be drinking vodka crans again and it will be all your fault, LOL !

PS St.Louis sounds like a cool town :)

CrankyProf said...

Damn, ABB. You've inspired me!

Hope your lunch was tasty!

Maidink said...

St Louis sounds great. Tell you what - I come to St louis for custard and drinks, and you head to philly for cheesesteaks and soft pretzels.

notfornothin said...

i am sorry. i tried to be positive about your post, but have you forgotten about all the religious preachers and gay-hating monsters that live in these parts?

Shark-fu said...

notfornothin. Honey, no pissing in my cornflakes or you will be punished! STL hasn't cornered the market on hate last time a bitch checked.

A bitch has been a lot of places and hate is one of the only true constants. Europe, America, Canada, Mexico or Africa...it don't get better just 'cause the accent changes...it just becomes a different version of Cleveland!

notfornothin said...

ok, fair on the hate thing. but what about the overabundance of rundown, abandoned buildings in the downtown area? and the fact that downtown becomes a ghost town come 5 o'clock on the weekdays and any time other than when the cards are home on the weekends? piiiiiisssssss.

Shark-fu said...

NFN, don't be such a sour puss! White flight took a toll but the city is coming back strong. Think of the glass as half full.

Define downtown...a bitch is confused. My part of the city is open till 3am and then there are the private parties or the East Side. Maybe everyone was at the free concert at the Botanical Garden...those are really popular.

Oh, and the Cards fucking ROCK!

Jeff said...

It's true, the downtown business district is a ghost town after five. You know what? In that respect, it does remind me of another city I lived in: London, which is also a city of neighborhoods. Who wants to hang out near where they work, anyway?

I had a Ted Drewes this afternoon just in your honor, ABB.

notfornothin said...

downtown as in the business district. and i am also talking about wash ave. there's a reason why clubs and restaurants don't survive. no one goes there. what about all of the lofts they are building in which no one will move into for $1200.

you name me 5 cardinal players, without help from anyone, and i'll give the s.t.l. some credit.

Shark-fu said...

NFN, a bitch is totally not a baseball fan anymore...too much artificial enhancement, if you know what I mean. But the Cards still ROCK.

As for the business district, no one wants to party where they work. Dallas shut down at 6pm, but the scene was alive and well.

As for Wash Ave, one stroll does not make or break a city. If Wash Ave struggles it's because it caters to a certain fickle type of consumer...and the parking sucks...'nuff said.

notfornothin said...

no naming of players, no credit for the s.t.l. sorry, that was the deal.

monkey said...

even san francisco has an abundance of abandoned buildings (SOMA, for example, and parts of lower Potrero Hill). big money leaves quickly and then it returns to remodel dumps into 'artist lofts'. i think any city has desolate sections. no need to dog STL, nfn.
abb, and dallas, no shit, closed earlier than i don't know what, but my ass does recall shakin' 'til the wee hours in the oak lawn district.
that's right.

Dixie said...

Y'all have Gooey Butter Cake. You need few other things when you have Gooey Butter Cake.

Maidink said...

Mmmmmm, gooey butter cake.

Jeff said...

Now that's what Ted Drewes needs: a gooey butter cake sundae....

Mr. Man said...

You know bitch, the lou is alright! Ted Drews is the shit, and Soulard is a great place to party.

fahren said...

In another lifetime I lived in Kansas went over the border to buy my first car in Raytown. The Lou did alright by me.

disgruntled said...

Love the feature of a city I've only driven through.

Hate the positivity though.
Where's the angry bitch? I WANT HER!