Monday, July 18, 2005

Oh when the saints come marching in...!

My brothers and sisters in bitchitude had a fantabulous gathering at the meeting house Saturday night! Well, a bitch can’t be certain that all in attendance had fun…but my ass sure did!

And after all…praise is about personal happiness at the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!

His Supreme Pontificalness, Sistah Rob Thurman worked so hard to bring the gospel of bitchitude to the peoples at Grandma’s Politicians Club. Sigh. The spirit was in the house, chil’ren!

A bitch is certain that our brothahs and sistahs who were unable to attend felt touched by the power of bitchitude as well. Can I get an amen?

A bitch was thrilled to see so many St. Louis bloggers and bloggeristahs representing.

BTW, fantabulous hair Clipgirl! We’re loving it!

Hugs and kisses to all!

But a bitch is beyond hung over…still.

1 cup of viciously strong coffee, two tablespoons of Splenda, a dash of suspiciously sour 1% organic milk, 2 Claritin and 2 Sudafed (that’s right…the real shit…a bitch was able to score!).

So…are you really a bitch?
My ass has to be honest…I truly adored meeting some of my favorite blogs Saturday night. But there was a suspiciously DEA-esque looking someone who posed the deep, deep, double deep background in-depth investigative question to a bitch…

“So…are you really a bitch?” he asked in a super sober affectedly bored voice.

“Umm…yes.” Answered the bitch in her best Andy Warhol impression.

He didn’t get it.

Tan in a bottle…
A bitch was still bloodshot eyed and dry mouthed this morning. I flipped on the Today Show and, to my horror, was confronted with Katie Couric cast in a freakish shade of orangish pink. I’m not kidding! The bitch was wearing white and her hair is still the very definition of the absence of color, so her new orange/pink skin tint was shown off in striking relief.

Someone hates you Katie…someone really hates you! And a bitch thinks it might be "you". Change starts from within…or, in your case, from within a cheap assed bottle of discount faux tan #2.

Now, my ass knows that y’all are tired of the media spectacle that is The Rovian Affair. So, we’ll give my submissive the day off. Momma was a wee bit harsh last night and Karl may need to heal…

Homegrown terror...
Eric Rudolph, the infamous Olympic Bomber and killer of abortion practitioners, is due to be sentenced for violating that sanctity of life in order to…well…a bitch thinks he was supposed to be killing to prevent killing. It’s so confusing!

This hypocritical shit didn’t even embrace the "martyr role" like a true believer should! Eric took a deal and thus will not be killed for killing to prevent killing.

You’ve got to love this shit!

Now, all week long we’ve been watching the media try to come to terms with the fact that the alleged bombers in the London terrorist case were “homegrown”. Homegrown is really a term that should be reserved for tomatoes or cabbage. Anyhoo, a bitch is amazed that people are amazed. My ass isn’t all that fluent in British culture, but we Americans are very familiar with “homegrown” terrorism and the inability of our government to address it…

Example #1 - The Confederacy and those that love them…
Yes, America had an insurgency before insurgencies were cool. Our own homegrown insurgent militant radical fringe were The Confederate States of America. They declared their independence then erected a flag and took to the hills with guns and bombs and independent cells that all acted on their own but held to a central ideology. Sound familiar? So, what happened to these Confederate insurgents ABB? Good question! The Union won the War on Terror, but the Confederacy has still not been quelled. Why, the boy Governor of Missouri proclaimed that the radical militant flag of the insurgency could fly over a Confederate graveyard in Missouri just last month!

A bitch was shocked…do Nazi flags fly over the graves of German WWII dead in France? Yeah, we’ve struggled with that “hearts & minds” thing for a long time…

Example #2 - The KKK and their many fringe spin-offs...
Angry that they were not able to break away and continue the domination and ownership of blacks, a fringe group comes together to regulate the “black problem” by burning and killing and terrorizing and drowning and lynching and…you get the picture. The law looks the other way for the better part of a century until the media begins to cover the violence, at which time the law attempts to ban the KKK as a terrorist organization (yeah, for real though!). Given the fact that they still seem to be able to burn down an AME Zion Church whenever they want to, a bitch is pretty sure that this terrorist group has not been neutralized. Yeah. And you thought bin Laden was hard to hunt down? We can’t get rid of a bunch of drunken assed rednecks riding around in pick-up trucks and burning down black folks houses of worship. Lawd Jesus, help me now!

Exmaple #3 - And who can forget the war to protect the sanctity of life by taking lives...!
A bitch cannot stand the militant fringe of the anti-choice movement! What the fuck are these people thinking? And where do they get off choosing which biblical phrases to adhere to? All or nothing, motherfuckers! Even my heathen ass knows that. This insurgency against the will and power of the Supreme Court pisses me off to no end, simply because these people wrap themselves up in the cloak of moral superiority when they are really just cold...blooded...serial killers.

Fuckers.

But my point is simple. Terror can be and more often than not is homegrown. The media should know this. The real story is why it is so difficult to address terror within our borders…a bitch is convinced that a proper examination of that angle may bring about a better plan to address terror abroad. Either way, insurgents don’t always speak with a foreign accent.

The last person to attempt to terrorize this bitch was wearing a “These Colors Don’t Bleed” tee shirt, driving a fucking Ford pick-up truck with a Confederate flag decal on the bumper and shouting for my multi-generational American black ass to go back to Africa.

5 comments:

fahren said...

Example #4--Bill O'Reilly moving his mouth.

"Radical" Russ said...

Funny, "homegrown" didn't make me think of tomatoes or cabbage...

JPH said...

YOU need to set up a campaign fund PayPal link for yourself. NOW.

disgruntled said...

No one wants to point the finger at themselves. It's more fun to point at other people and call them names.

**points and screams TERRORIST BIATCHES!

See...now watch.

**points in the mirror YOU TERRORIST BIATCH!!!

:-(...not quite as fun.

Padrie said...

I'd vote for A Bitch!