Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Craig Statement or The art of making a bad situation fubar…

Last night this bitch decided to view Senator Craig’s press conference at home whilst enjoying a yummified dinner and a rather fantabulous vodka cran.

With his wife at his side, Senator Craig said he did nothing “inappropriate”…that he is “not gay and never have been”…that he’s the victim of a “witch hunt” launched by the Idaho Statesman newspaper…that he only pleaded guilty because he was freaked out by that alleged witch hunt and that he now regrets having done so…oh, and that he didn’t consult with a lawyer, his staff, his political party or his family before entering that guilty plea.


Alrighty then.

By the time Senator Craig was done talking and the talking heads were done spinning this bitch was on vodka cran number three (yum) and well into a fantabulous state of schadenfreudel bliss.

Based on his statement, we’re to believe that Senator Craig was so freaked out by the investigation launched by the Idaho Statesman newspaper that he would plea to something he wasn’t guilty of but not so freaked out that he would avoid peaking through airport bathroom stalls, getting his foot tapification on in what I’ve come to understand is a known bathroom bootie call technique and waving his hand under the stall wall to indicate interest.


And we’re also asked to believe that Senator Craig lied…under oath and before a judge…when he entered his guilty plea some two months after the incident, which means that he committed perjury in August to cover up the airport bathroom foot tapping to signal lust-based incident.

Am I getting this shit right?

Senator Craig says he is not lying about not being gay but he did lie about that blow job solicitation thang…that he is not guilty of the acts he swore under oath that he was guilty of…and that he can’t imagine why (blink, blink and another blink) those mean ole meanies at the Idaho Statesman newspaper refuse to take his word on this matter.

Lawd, have mercy.

And with that performance, Senator Craig of the 'hypocrisy is his favorite value' Craigs gave a motherfucking clinic on the art of making a bad situation fubar...


Anonymous said...

How come ABB is more clear-headed after her 3rd vodka and cran than the talking heads are when they're at work?

Why can't these folks deconstruct BS anymore?

Anonymous said...

Awww, ABB - he's not gay. Only his penis is!

Maybe it's not "gay" as long as you have the little spouse at your side? After all, he can't be gay...he's married.

And who would have known that the Idaho Statesman had such far-reaching connections in a Minneapolis airport PD/restroom? Such a conspiracy, and we hadn't heard a word about it 'til now. Really, who knew?


Another one bites the dust.

Keep up the good work.

Ant Annie in Pittsburgh

The Lazy Iguana said...

I think I love this blog. Seriously. You see, I too am a big fan of vodka and cranberry cocktails. They are called "Cape Cod", but you never EVER order a "Cape Cod" in the deep south. That thar is a Yankee drink. So you say "vodka and cranberry".

I never thought of the lying under oath thing. Excellent point. Pleading guilty when you are not in fact guilty could be a lie. And he did not consult a lawyer!?!? I call bullshit on that one right there. Most politicians ARE lawyers - which could explain why things are so fucked up. Except Bush. He is not a lawyer. Retards have a hard time passing the bar exam. Bush thinks the bar exam is what you have to take before you know how to make a Cape Cod. And even then, Bush would probably forget the lime wedge. Not that I need the lime wedge - I usually ask them to skip that.

Anonymous said...

He is screwed (or blown) whichever way he goes. There is no low road here. If he had admitted it, everyone would be LOL'ing. If he denies it (as he is) everyone is going, yeah right. He may as well pack up and move to those mountains and seclude. I wonder if the Unabomber cabin is still for sale?

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Back when I was drinking and right before I quit (much to the delight of my family and friends), I was on a vodka and cran jag. . . the girl I was dating at the time called it a "sex on the beach." I'd heard other people around here call it the same thing.

I wonder what a "sex in a public bathroom" would be?

Anonymous said...

vodka cran with a twist of slime

BarefootCajun said...

Ah, what can be said about a guy who begins his "I am NOT gay" speech by saying, "I'd like to that you all for coming out today."

Lacey said...

vodka cran with a twist of slime...that made me laugh out loud at work. tee heee heee.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Sex On The Beach

1.5 ounces vodka
1/2 ounce peach schnapps
2 oz cranberry juice
2 oz orange juice

Shake over ice, serve straight up.

Chick drink factor - 10. They love them. And after three or four in an hour, you will look a lot better to her. Odds of drunken sex are increased by approximately 40%.

Blue said...

"...schadenfreudel bliss."

Ah, yes, that's precisely the feeling - even without the vodka cran.

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