What if a bitch had powers?
Specifically, a bitch is wondering what it would be like if I could actually talk to the people who annoy me on morning television.
To Howard Dean after his appearance on the Today Show…
Why can’t you just fucking make sense? Howie (we’re close like that), why do you have to be so weird during interviews? I get your e-mails and you always seem articulate and sane. Yet, today you seemed aggressive and a bitch did not exactly understand the words that were coming out of your mouth. Howie, you are in the big leagues now! Make sense or fucking fake it! Do not argue over percents of minority voters when you do not know the percentages. Do not let people record your voice during events with that shady Nixonian sounding old school tape-recorder again! Nothing sounds good on those tapes…it was both porn like and Nixonian at the same time! Ugh! You sounded crazy and inaccurate!
Howie, I need a hero and I’m not feeling very particular about who it ends up being. Pull it together and lead, motherfucker! Oh, and close your mouth when you are on television! Jesus, are you trying to look crazy?
Sharing with Tony Blair after his appearance on the Today Show…
What kind of homeboy are you, Tone (yeah…very close…very informal, Tone and me)? A bitch thinks your ass may be full of shit on this whole “I’m friends with Scooter and Bubba (Bubba being Bill Clinton – not close, but I’m working on it). Tone, dual friendship with these two specific motherfuckers simply isn’t possible! Stop the bullshit and tell it like it is. You can’t stand Scooter and you blame him for almost costing you the fucking election. Just say it. Come on. SAY IT, FUCKER!!
Okay, a bitch is willing to entertain the notion that you are “working” Scooter. You feel that the U. K. should get some sort of payback for backing us through our waves upon waves of…err…umm…spreading democracy?.. no, that’s just bullshit isn’t it…empire building…no, that’s so early 1900’s…aggression! Yes, its really just aggression. So, having waded in right along with us, you now feel that you should get something back. You arrive in America and ask for some shit to go down in Africa.
And you got what from Scooter?
That’s right, honey. You got jack shit! Welcome to our world. Now you get to experience what the American public has been dealing with for over four miserable years! A two faced, completely insincere, self-indulgent, war-loving ass who is dedicated to the principle of flushing our economy down the toilet while making enemies left and right only to turn his back on one of our true friends when he asks us to do the right fucking thing in Africa! He's great, isn't he?
Sit down, shut up and listen Tone. Scooter is an ass. He is not your friend. He will leave you to drown in a vat of his shit. Run, don’t walk, back to Europe and make some other friends. Just stop kissing Scooter's "6-months into his 2nd term and therefore virtually irrelevant" ass in public. Have some fucking pride, motherfucker! Jesus, a bitch misses the days when British Prime Ministers could be counted on for snobbish behavior and a general disdain for all things American!
If only they could hear what I scream at them every morning…