Friday, June 03, 2005

The PPD Media Blitz - Cruise versus Shields...

A bitch woke up this morning with every intention of watching the first 30 minutes of the Today Show if it fucking killed me. I must confess that, between dealing with the assault on the Cabrio and the need to get my ass into work early, I’ve missed those assholes!

A bitch settled down with a giant cup of coffee (lots of cream and tons of Splenda) and a brand new pack of cigs!

And what should confront me?

A fucking 30 minute tummy tuck done live on fucking morning television! Jesus to God, are these freaks crazy? A bitch literally ran to the bathroom fearing a massive fit of vomiting!

Dear new Today Show producer who replaced the poor hapless fool who indulged Katie in the firing of Cojo... if you ever take leave of your senses and show a fucking surgical procedure on morning television again this bitch will hunt you down and make you watch 48 hours of Discovery Health while eating raw liver. ASS!

Denied my longed for Today Show fix, a bitch was forced to cruise around. Fuck it all! Diane Sawyer has taken to pursing her lips like Renee Zell-whatever and I don’t understand it! Get collagen or don’t. But for the love of chocolate, stop all the pursing! Looks like y’all are breastfeeding without a breast.

A bitch settled on CNN with a frown and a second cup of coffee (less cream and more Splenda), two Sudafed, one Claritin and two Excedrin.

Oh come on… its Friday…of course I had a second cup of coffee!

I was just about to turn it off and search for something within TiVo, when the segment about Tom Cruise and postpartum depression graced my brain.

Settle down and get very comfy chil’ren, because this one has it all…an egomaniacal officially not gay Tom Cruise…. Scientology….Brooke Shields….and a medical doctor with a book to sell. Thank you of Devine Spirit of Morning Television. Thank you! I shall sacrifice a goat or small bug in your honor!

Wiping away tears of schedenfreudal joy…

CNN Anchorbitch, face tight and hair high “Tom Cruise is stirring up drama by denouncing Brooke Shields for taking meds to combat postpartum depression. Cruise stated that simple exercise and vitamins would have done the trick. As a Scientologist, Cruise believes psychology and meds are harmful.”

A bitch hit pause (thank you, TiVo) and asked the Beagle (only other bitch in the room) a simple question.

“Betsey the Beagle, what the fuck does Tom “I aint never produced a natural assed sperm meets egg baby in my life” Cruise know about postpartum depression? I mean really, dawg, I don’t know shit about it either. This bitch don’t know nothing about having no babies (not so subtle nod to Gone With the Wind fans), but you don’t see my ass trying to tell some mental bitch how to handle that shit! Alls I know, dawg, is that I’m tired of hearing about people drowning their kids. Oh, and I like pills. Pills are good!”

Betsey the Beagle, in the silent language of dawgs “Bitch, lay off the coffee. Jesus, can’t a bitch sleep? And who the fuck are you talking about, anyway?” Yawn. Reposition on couch. Snore.

A bitch could only sigh and hit play.

The CNN Anchorbitch awkwardly segued into a live interview with an actual doctor.

Anchorbitch to doctor “Is Tom cruise right?”

Doctor “No. Post Partum depression is caused by a hormonal imbalance that results from the hormone producing blah, blah, blah.”

A bitch tuned the rest of that shit out. Lots of medical talk and slightly creep words like placenta. Anyway, what the fuck? Where does Tom Cruise get off having an opinion about this shit? A bitch is not overly familiar with Scientology, but this complete denouncement of medical science is downright medieval. It wouldn’t be so troubling if there weren’t horrific incidents of death and destruction associated with post partum depression. But there are and there is already a stigma, as Brooke Shields mentioned on Oprah last month, that makes many women not seek medical attention.

Sigh again.

Tom Cruise is a tool! A bitch thinks that the Scientologists should have rolled out one of their female celebrities to talk about this shit. Preferably a mother or someone who has dealt with it in his or her own life.

One of my friends had a horrible bout with PPD. She stopped bathing and eating and didn’t want to leave her bed. He husband ended up forcing her to go to the doctor and she was diagnosed. Finding out that there was a medical reason for her depression and that it was treatable (with drugs, motherfuckers…lots of drugs) made all the difference. She is now bonded with her child. More importantly she didn’t hurt her child or herself.
The Devine One gave us doctors and meds and shrinks and therapists. Use them. Or don’t. But step the fuck off trying to tell others what to do to solve their drama. This kind of drama needs to be solved, not meditated on or played around with. This bitch is tired of non-uterus having no longer relevant celebrities who are dating fucking fetuses mouthing off about medical conditions and meds.! Dating a fetus is not the same as giving birth, Tom! Shut the fuck up and go find another movie to play yourself in!

Final Fantasmically Bad Media Moment on CNN…

The doctor pitching his book on natural hormone replacement therapy to treat post partum depression rather than answering Anchorbitch’s poorly phrased questions on the topic.


Fucking beautiful!


CrankyProf said...

Did a Bitch see Cruise's midlife meltdown on "Oprah?" The sweet, sweet tears of schaedenfreude were rolling down my cheeks.

dmfinny said...

Catch Brooke's retort:

"Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens..."

That's how a BITCH handles hers, instead of a bitch-ass critique, the fuckin' pansy. Who asked him?

It's Me, Maven... said...

I've only seen still photos of Cruise's breakdown on Oprah. WTF was that all about? Yanno, it reminds me of Farrah Fawcett's erratic behavior on that oh-so-famous Letterman appearance. And I agree, ABB, in the wonderful words of (I believe it was) Ms. Butterfly McQueen, "I'z don't know nutthin' about birthin' no babies." Shit, this man can't even squeeze out a couple of swimmers--what gives him the right to admonish his Endless Love co-star on a topic he obviously knows zilch about?

Perhaps he should pay more attention to the lifts in his shoes, or perhaps switch to boxers instead of briefs, or someother nonsensical thing to take his mind off what IS a woman's issue. Not to sound like a manhater--but men like him have all of the allure of my pubic hair getting caught in my panty elastic.

As Mr. Nugget says, sometimes when I annoy him, "Just sit there and look pretty." Perhaps that would be good advice for Mr. Mapother---oh er... uh... "Mr. Cruise."

I thought his comments were especially *RICH* due to the fact that he had to adopt children, and his [ex]wife did not go through the highs and lows of childbirth and PPD. Perhaps if she did, and did so with a white-knuckle-death-grip on his sac, perhaps then and only then he'd have a clue about how very real of an issue this truly is.

I will *celebrate* Mr. Mapother's lack of sensitivity and his ego-maniacal and L-Ron-Hubbard-rubbish by *NOT* going to HIS or his fuck-puppet-du-jour's up-coming flicks. Fuck him. I'd sooner pay to watch paint dry than to line his pockets one more day.

PS: Nothing would give me greater schadenfreudal joy than to sit back while he regales Oprah in a couple of years with all the gory details of him passing a kidney stone the size of a plum out of his mal-functioning shween. And I hope whichever doctor he will end up seeing, because let's face it, he WILL go see a doctor because most men have ZERO pain threshold, and of course the adage "There by the grace of God, go I" comes to mind.

Excuse me, Mr. Mapother? I'd sooner wipe my ass with the $40 I would have spent on your and your fuck puppet's soon-to-be-released flicks. And when I'm done using my money as asswipes, I'd sooner set it ablaze rather than give you one more cent of my hard earned cash, you mysogynistic half-wit!

BaltimoreLenore said...

Perhaps Mr. Cruise needs an two word example of what happens with untreated Post-Partum Depression: Andrea Yates.

He needs to shut the f up before I slap him.

Anonymous said...

ABB - I think it's pretty safe to assume that Tom Cruise has finally taken leave of the last bit of sense he have had left. And take no shame in your second cup of coffee this morning. I, too, had to have a second cup to make it through my morning.

And to crankyProf - "The sweet, sweet tears of schaedenfreude" is beautiful. Thanks for that.

Mighty MaMa said...

I hope Katie Holmes has a bi-polar episode on Tom's ass. No amount of prayer will save him. He'll end up on oxycontin to tune out Katie's young crazy ass. ahhhhhhhh, another spectacle in Hollyhood!

disgruntled said...

I'm tired of both them bitches (Tom and airhead Katie)!

I guess since he's in the media spotlight for now, he has authority to open his mouth and let whatever stupidity is on his brain to spill out...

Idiot Dave said...

Time to play Taps for Tom Cruise as America's Endless Love affair has finally ended. The former Hollywood Top Gun has indulged in the Risky Business of Losin' It for a girl that is Far and Away too young for this Legend. And just think: we all thought he was into weekends with A Few Good Men and maybe a Cocktail or two.
Poking his nose into Brooke's Magnolia, when his own Young Guns are lacking All the Right Moves, may put him on the list of Tinseltown's Outsiders.

And Days of Thunder, too.

GN said...

What should anyone expect? The man's in a fucking cult, for Godssakes. The fact that so many other brainless entertainment jackasses have been similarly indoctrinated doesn't make Scientology any more credible.

Cruise is out of his mind, and so is CNN for giving this nutjob airtime to recite his cult's talking points. And I think Mr. Cruise just let his mouth write him a check that his ass can't cash...Brooke Shields is statuesque and looks to be in good shape. She could whoop Cruise's ass in a nanosecond.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Cruise might be a cultist, however, his views ARE shared by some idiots in control of the FDA as well:

W. David Hager chairman of the FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee does not prescribe contraceptives for single women, does not do abortions, will not prescribe RU-486 and will not insert IUDs. Hager believes that headaches, PMS and eating disorders can be cured by reading Scripture.

The Everglades said...

This is my new favorite site.


CrankyProf said...

You know, as a woman and a mother, reading shit like Cruise and Hager's commentary makes me want to slap a bunch of assholes.

When you've taken a ride on the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that goes along with female anatomy -- and the supersized coaster that goes with pregnancy and childbirth -- then your ass cam tell me that vitamins and Scripture will help.

With idiots like Hager in charge, we'll end up back in Charlotte Perkins Gillman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." Treat everything with the Bible and "rest!"

It's Me, Maven... said...


This is the same kind of in-the-dark-ages thinking which is the root cause of the plethora of unnecessary hysterectomies in the US. So many of them could be prevented. It's really sad. Truly sad.

But hey, what do you expect? Women are definitely not equal to men in this society. We don't make equal pay for equal jobs, we're constantly battling the male-theocratic machine in order to maintain some kind of sense of control over our own bodies. Fuck, between Hager... Bush... the Pope... women can't catch a break at all. And unless or until we get a woman elected president, none of this shit is going to change. Fuck it, we've already had two female Supreme Court Justices... and it hasn't helped one bit.

Funny thing is, people are always looking to third world nations and saying how repressed Indian or Pakistani women are (re: dowry related deaths, honor killings, etc), but how backwards ARE THEY, if even those nations have elected women to their highest political post??

Catherine Vocalist said...

You're hysterically funny and yet everything you say is so true and insightful! Excellent!