A bitch woke up this morning with every intention of watching the first 30 minutes of the Today Show if it fucking killed me. I must confess that, between dealing with the assault on the Cabrio and the need to get my ass into work early, I’ve missed those assholes!
A bitch settled down with a giant cup of coffee (lots of cream and tons of Splenda) and a brand new pack of cigs!
And what should confront me?
A fucking 30 minute tummy tuck done live on fucking morning television! Jesus to God, are these freaks crazy? A bitch literally ran to the bathroom fearing a massive fit of vomiting!
Dear new Today Show producer who replaced the poor hapless fool who indulged Katie in the firing of Cojo... if you ever take leave of your senses and show a fucking surgical procedure on morning television again this bitch will hunt you down and make you watch 48 hours of Discovery Health while eating raw liver. ASS!
Denied my longed for Today Show fix, a bitch was forced to cruise around. Fuck it all! Diane Sawyer has taken to pursing her lips like Renee Zell-whatever and I don’t understand it! Get collagen or don’t. But for the love of chocolate, stop all the pursing! Looks like y’all are breastfeeding without a breast.
A bitch settled on CNN with a frown and a second cup of coffee (less cream and more Splenda), two Sudafed, one Claritin and two Excedrin.
Oh come on… its Friday…of course I had a second cup of coffee!
I was just about to turn it off and search for something within TiVo, when the segment about Tom Cruise and postpartum depression graced my brain.
Settle down and get very comfy chil’ren, because this one has it all…an egomaniacal officially not gay Tom Cruise…. Scientology….Brooke Shields….and a medical doctor with a book to sell. Thank you of Devine Spirit of Morning Television. Thank you! I shall sacrifice a goat or small bug in your honor!
Wiping away tears of schedenfreudal joy…
CNN Anchorbitch, face tight and hair high “Tom Cruise is stirring up drama by denouncing Brooke Shields for taking meds to combat postpartum depression. Cruise stated that simple exercise and vitamins would have done the trick. As a Scientologist, Cruise believes psychology and meds are harmful.”
A bitch hit pause (thank you, TiVo) and asked the Beagle (only other bitch in the room) a simple question.
“Betsey the Beagle, what the fuck does Tom “I aint never produced a natural assed sperm meets egg baby in my life” Cruise know about postpartum depression? I mean really, dawg, I don’t know shit about it either. This bitch don’t know nothing about having no babies (not so subtle nod to Gone With the Wind fans), but you don’t see my ass trying to tell some mental bitch how to handle that shit! Alls I know, dawg, is that I’m tired of hearing about people drowning their kids. Oh, and I like pills. Pills are good!”
Betsey the Beagle, in the silent language of dawgs “Bitch, lay off the coffee. Jesus, can’t a bitch sleep? And who the fuck are you talking about, anyway?” Yawn. Reposition on couch. Snore.
A bitch could only sigh and hit play.
The CNN Anchorbitch awkwardly segued into a live interview with an actual doctor.
Anchorbitch to doctor “Is Tom cruise right?”
Doctor “No. Post Partum depression is caused by a hormonal imbalance that results from the hormone producing blah, blah, blah.”
A bitch tuned the rest of that shit out. Lots of medical talk and slightly creep words like placenta. Anyway, what the fuck? Where does Tom Cruise get off having an opinion about this shit? A bitch is not overly familiar with Scientology, but this complete denouncement of medical science is downright medieval. It wouldn’t be so troubling if there weren’t horrific incidents of death and destruction associated with post partum depression. But there are and there is already a stigma, as Brooke Shields mentioned on Oprah last month, that makes many women not seek medical attention.
Tom Cruise is a tool! A bitch thinks that the Scientologists should have rolled out one of their female celebrities to talk about this shit. Preferably a mother or someone who has dealt with it in his or her own life.
One of my friends had a horrible bout with PPD. She stopped bathing and eating and didn’t want to leave her bed. He husband ended up forcing her to go to the doctor and she was diagnosed. Finding out that there was a medical reason for her depression and that it was treatable (with drugs, motherfuckers…lots of drugs) made all the difference. She is now bonded with her child. More importantly she didn’t hurt her child or herself.
The Devine One gave us doctors and meds and shrinks and therapists. Use them. Or don’t. But step the fuck off trying to tell others what to do to solve their drama. This kind of drama needs to be solved, not meditated on or played around with. This bitch is tired of non-uterus having no longer relevant celebrities who are dating fucking fetuses mouthing off about medical conditions and meds.! Dating a fetus is not the same as giving birth, Tom! Shut the fuck up and go find another movie to play yourself in!
Final Fantasmically Bad Media Moment on CNN…
The doctor pitching his book on natural hormone replacement therapy to treat post partum depression rather than answering Anchorbitch’s poorly phrased questions on the topic.