Wednesday, June 29, 2005

We are so fucked...

A bitch was saddened to read the comments on yesterday’s post. Specifically the comment made by Monkey, who has experienced the true wages of war. A bitch wanted to share this with you and to say to Monkey…a bitch thanks you for sharing...for what it's worth, your comment and post touched me deeply.

Moving on...

My bitchy ass sat down with a very strong vodka cran and a full pack of cigs to listen to Scooter last night. When preparing for a Presidential address, one must first determine which media misinformation vehicle to view. A bitch chose CNN as my primary vehicle with a TiVo backup of NBC. Wolfie (we are so close you just wouldn’t believe my ass if I shared the details) was looking flushed and windblown. This bitch adores Wolf Blitzer! Too cute! NBC had desperately inserted Tim Russert’s overworked ass into their coverage, because the new baby anchor replacement for Brokaw has been know to fuck up live news. That poor producer must have been shitting bricks! DRAMA.

Hit pause…

Quickly pop 2 new wanna-be Sudafed pills (they’ve introduced a new version that is Meth resistant or something…trust me, its not as much fun) and 2 Motrin (because Scooter makes my neck tense up and being proactive is totally required). Freshen vodka cran and light cigs. Take a deep breath, ‘cause it’s hard to breath when wallowing in a huge vat of bullshit…

Hit play…

ABB’s Recap of Scooter in a time of crisis…

Scooter’s attempt to rally the masses can best be explored through an examination of his comments. He doesn’t really do “speeches”. It was more of a continuous stream of randomly connected phrases containing the words 9/11…

My greatest responsibility as President is to protect the American people…
Actually, Scooter, your principle responsibility is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. You also swore to faithfully execute the office of the Presidency. But fuck it! Who takes that oath shit seriously?

We will take the fight to our enemy!
But honey, we didn’t invade Saudi Arabia! Didn’t all the highjackers come from there? A bitch is confused!! And what about Iran building the bomb and North Korea building more bombs? A bitch thinks that we might have gone a wee bit off course…accidentally on purpose. This bitch longs for the good old days, when our government would have had the decency to plant WMD in Iraq after throwing our collective ass into a multi-year war. Where’s my Soylent Green!

We will defeat them abroad before they attack us at home!
Once again…a bitch is confused. Iraq is not connected to 9/11, so did my ass miss another attack somewhere? For the record, invading Iraq so that you can attack Saudis who have entered Iraq to fight as insurgents seems a wee bit complicated. Was this the plan? Did this comment make sense when it left your mouth, Scooter? A bitch is concerned!

We are removing a source of violence and instability!
Motherfucker, have you looked at the news? Jesus! Are we talking about the same war? Somebody PLEASE slap me and wake me up from the bloody nightmare!

Hey kids! Have you ever considered a career in the military?
Seriously. Scooter made a fucking enlistment pitch mid-speech. ABB is now taking bets on the timing of the draft…not the possibility…the timing.

As Osama said, Iraq is where the war is and Iraq is where we will fight (or something like that…only in Arabic).
Yes, chil’ren, Scooter actually quoted Bin laden to make his point. A bitch has no words…no words at all…

Scooter made a total of (6) September 11 references to justify our war with Iraq, which is a country that had nothing to do with the attacks…did you hear that you neo-con war hungry freaks…they had NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THE ATTACKS!

And finally, in response to the nation’s concerns over when this war with a constantly changing purpose will end…

We will stand down when the Iraqi people stand up!
Great. That’s just fucking great.

It’s official.

We are so fucked.

28 comments:

Rob Thurman said...

You once told me that Fascism happens in real time. I think the clock is ticking....

Eva said...

I could not stomach watching that mess last night, but I knew I could catch the commentary on ABB media. 'Preciate what you do.

A side comment: I have a sister who served in both the Gulf War and Iraq. After the GW she developed a thyroid disease. Connection...
In Iraq, her convoy ran over mines, she was hit with strap metal and suffered head injuries which are now the source of her seizures.
We have alread been fucked, now they just rubbing that shit in.

Lisa said...

I couldn't let your great post go unread by the masses so I posted it here: http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/6/29/125037/687


Excellent work!

CrankyProf said...

We ARE being fucked. And Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld have put sand in the lube. Along with supergluing our hands to our ankles. While asking us to pay for it.

I didn't watch the whole speech (for reasons in my blog), but what I DID see was bad enough.

As far as the draft...it's going to happen. The only question I have is, Iran or Syria? North Korea? Where's our next "Operation: Step on Dick While Wearing Golf Shoes" going to be?

Tiger Lilly said...

I couldn't watch it either. I get so embarassed watching him stumble over words. Plus, I knew the best recap would be here!

Judy said...

ABB you rock! You are so right on with your post. I'm going to pass it on to my blog friends.

The Ticked Off Ohioan said...

ABB, you should hold a "name the caption contest" with this picture http://tinyurl.com/72zcd .

The Ticked Off Ohioan said...

Here's the active link:
http://tinyurl.com/72zcd

Cynthia said...

Great post. There is no way I could have watched GW last night. I knew it would be too many lies.

Dixie said...

Do I get extra points for watching Scooter in the middle of the night 'cause that's what I have to do to catch his particular brand of bullshit.

So the story is that our primary objective was to free the Iraqi people and to bring them democracy. They gave us the WMD thing at first just to throw us off but their primary objective was to bring democracy to oppressed people. That's the story he's telling now, right? It's our job to bring democracy to the oppressed, right? Freedom's on the march!

So when do we attack Myanmar? North Korea? The Democractic Republic of the Congo, which is neither democratic nor a republic. When do we throw our Marines at the Ivory Coast? Sierra Leone?

Shark-fu said...

Tell it, Dixie! But my ass isn't hold my breath for an invasion of occupied Burma...

CrankyProf said...

Get your Dorothy Parker on, woman! The world needs more bitches willing to tell it like it is, and call people out in their bullshit.

fahren said...

Thank God for brave people like you who can digest Scooter's shit and regurgitate it in a less toxic form. I'm on doctor's orders not too go anywhere near a news outlet. Prozac can only do so much . . . however, one thing has me puzzled--"defeat them abroad before they attack us at home"--1)isn't it too late for that and 2)i think that's a mixed metaphor. I mean doesn't flying a plane into the Pentagon and all count as an attack at home?

The Quintessential Negro said...

I guess I should call you Shark-Fu. Just discovered your blog, Ms. Shark-Fu. I'm feeling what you do.

Mighty MaMa said...

Baby Girl!!!!!! Lay off those cigarettes. Thanks for the translation from that white trash Texan. You made me laugh my ass off, which I haven't done in awhile.

Clipgirl said...

I thought you might find this interesting. I got it from www.michaelmoore.com

Here are some word counts from the Presidential Address:

Terror, Terrorism, Terrorists 33
Free, Freedom 29
Security 16
Defend, Protect 15
Election, Vote, Polls 10
Mission 9
Killers, Murderers 9
New York, September 11th 7
War 7
Insurgents 6
Violence 6
Democracy, Democratic 5
Liberty, Liberate 4
Attack 4
Dissent 1
WMD 0
Exit Strategy 0
Mission Accomplished 0

Do you see a trend?

monkey said...

we are so fucked, now and forever. for every innocent civillian we kill, at least one iraqi vows vengance.

Gandhi: "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

we never listen.

or learn.

Homer said...

You are pretty courageous to watch that Bushshit. I couldn't bear to watch it myself.

rfburn said...

You are so filled with irrational hate and anger that you didn't even bother to make your critique one of substance.

It didn't matter to you if you made a factual critique.

That speaks volumes.

hk_newbie said...

Like everyone else, thanks for the translation. I haven't seen your blog until it passed my way in a group email which seems to be making its way around. And yes, we are indeed fucked, but hopefully it will only last about a hundred years or so.

Listening to GW hurts my head too.

Lisa said...

I checked out "rfburns" blog and it was exactly what I thought it would be. RahRahbushshit. Quel surprise! (NOT)

Lots of good comments over on KOS. One chick said "bitch be bookmarked" and I loved it (and hated that I didn't think it up!)

Shark-fu said...

Thank you Bex. A bitch is making new friends and enemies all at once! What could be better...?

Shark-fu said...

Thank you Bex. A bitch is making new friends and enemies all at once! What could be better...?

Cyrus said...

NO KY, no gloves, no towel.

monkey said...

oh, i got a real kick out of this one!
*********************************
rfburn said...
You are so filled with irrational hate and anger that you didn't even bother to make your critique one of substance.

It didn't matter to you if you made a factual critique.

That speaks volumes.
******************************
why ain't that the pot calling the kettle black. rfburn neither made a factual, nor critque of substance regarding your blog. so, THAT speaks volumes.
seems as though you've made a "frenemy"=friend+enemy. most of us don't take the time to post unless we care, or feel passionately. abb, looks like rfburn cares about you after all. ;)

JB said...

http://www.csmonitor.com/2005/0701/p01s04-ussc.html

this article in christian science monitor is talking about how "middle america" is discontent about what's going on in the US right now.

aren't these the same motherfuckers that voted scooter into office?

vote in haste, repent in leisure.

if i wanted to sit around and listen to a pack of lies, i could have called my cousin rather than listen to GW. you're a better woman than i for sitting through all that swill.

Brat said...

no lube, no love, no courtesy reach around.

inchirieri apartamente cluj said...

Regarding the paragraph "My greatest responsibility as President is to protect the American people…" Well, protecting them from whom? What kind of protection?
You are totally right. The president's principle responsibility is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, eventhough I as an individual I don't receive the protection that i need.