Wednesday, June 11, 2008

An open letter to Hollywood regarding the new Smurf movie…

Dear Hollywood people working on the new Smurf movie,

A bitch sincerely hopes that all y’all people working on the Smurf movie know that you have been handed a slice of my childhood.

Think twice before you fuck it up!

What exactly are you doing with that hybrid computer animation live action shit?

Hmmm?

Millions of chil’ren watched the Smurfs do basically the same damned thing every Saturday for years…why fuck with a winning formula?

Didn’t y’all learn anything from that Hulk movie (wince)?

Well, you'd best just remember…

…a bitch is watching you.

16 comments:

Philip Barron said...

Think twice before you fuck it up!

That gave me the best laugh I've had in a couple of days.

...and yes, too bad no one told that to the folks who made Hulk. And Speed Racer. And Transformers. And The Flintstones. And...*


*Okay, I only saw one of those movies, but I bet they all sucked.

Philip Barron said...

Sorry for the double post, but I wanted to add that you should totally cross-post this at Shakes.

CableGirl said...

Yeah, I'm afraid. CGI live action? no no no

destinyskitchen said...

My toothbrush holder is a Smurf mug, so I don't think I can bear to watch this new movie. Are we out of original ideas in this country?! It seems that everything is a remake/rehash/shit these days...

Antonio said...

Wow, I didn't even know one was in development. I really miss hand-drawn animated films.

I guess the issue of 100 guys and one girl will also be left unresolved.

Blasphemous said...

Shark,

Maybe we'll get lucky and get a fantabulous, angry black bitch Smurf?

I like this idea. We could call her Sharky Smurf.

WNG said...

or Smurf Fu, she'd organize all the Smurfs to get rid of Gargamel once and for all!

Rileysdtr said...

Ooh, new game! A la Barbara Walters - if you were a Smurf, which Smurf would you be?

Must admit, I was just a tich too old to get into Smurfdom, and these days I definitely sympathize with Gargamel. "Hey, you damn smurfs! Get off my lawn!"

Renee said...

That post cracked me the hell up. I am sure that they will find some way to mess it up. I am waiting on a new revamped totally sexualized smurfette, if they could do it to strawberry shortcake, she has no chance.

Hypatia said...

I have this terrible feeling that those Smurfs are going to end up right smack in the middle of the Uncanny Valley. It's a damn shame.

Karim Mohy said...

What's really uncanny is apparently there already were Black Smurfs(!) - but they were blackface(?) :( (?)
http://www.amazon.fr/Schtroumpfs-noirs-1-Peyo/dp/2800101083

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Black_Smurfs

WTF?

Maven said...

See, and I thought they already made that movie, and fucked it up considerably.

The Truffle said...

Gah. I loathed that little sexist piece of tripe with those shrill little things.

That said, I hope Hollywood makes that movie. It'll be the next "Underdog." What, you didn't know they made an "Underdog" movie? Neither does anyone else.

ScryptKeeper said...

aaaahhhhrrrrgggg!
um. excuse me. but this is truly disturbing. thank you, as always ABB, for standing on the front lines of moral decency in this world

and @destinyskitchen: not out of original ideas, just out of faith (and investment) in them...but, eh, i think that's changing. or hope. or um. just read ABB and beat head into wall. whatevs.

free movies said...

Don't worry! everything will be o.k as long as they won't make movie of The Smurfs with Tom Cruise and P. Diddy or something :)

free movie downloads said...

Sure all will be okay. However, there are times when movies that should have been outstanding for some reason come out all screwed up...who knows why.