Saturday, March 10, 2007

Newt's Bringing Sexy Back...

A bitch heard the news that Newt Gingrich confessed to James Dobson that he (Newt) got busy with one woman while married to another woman during the same time he (Newt) was going after President Clinton for getting busy with one woman while married to another woman.

Cough.

And I resent the hell out of that nastified thought being forced into my brain!

Not Newt fucking (wince) though that’s nasty enough. But c’mon now! Newt G. getting “I know this is wrong but I just can’t control myself and I’ll die if you don’t touch me right this second” 10 Commandment defying sex? Heaven to hell, that is the very definition of nastified!

Ugh.

And what the fuck are we suppose to tell the chil’ren now?

Blink.

A bitch’s thoughts on Newt bringing sexy back…
I ain’t buying it.

Nope!

I do not believe that Newt G. fucked around on his wife…uh, second wife. Shit, this bitch didn’t believe he was human for the longest time and now you expect me to believe that he was married and then seduced…then married and seduced again…then married again. Did I get that right? Fuck it all.

I call bullshit!

It’s rather convenient that this comes out now while Newt is desperate for attention.

Mmmhmmm, just look at the payoff!

Mmmhmm!

What’s next? Newt putting his name in the ring as Anna Nicole’s baby’s daddy?

Jesus!

It’s clear to me that Newt G. is merely responding to the fact that the Republican base has done an about face on the character issue. Giuliani is polling ahead despite his…well, his 'let no man put asunder' & 'until death do us part' loyalty-based issues.
What the fuck was Newt to do?

This is Politics 101, chil’ren! The people like blonds and political whores go blond. They like ‘awe shucks I didn’t mean to fuck her and destroy my traditional marriage in a time when y’all feel that marriage is being threatened but let’s be clear that my inability to stay traditionally married is in no way as threatening as gays getting married so we should still be cool and why don’t we talk about tax cuts instead’ politicians…well, y’all can fill in that blank.

Nicely done, Newt!

Oh, and that Dobson coup…that was very nice.

But when did Dobson become Gawd?

I’m just asking, because this Protestant bitch has never confessed my sins to a man in my life. I was taught that confessions were between me and the Divine One and forgiveness was the Lawd’s. Mayhap Dobson should refresh himself on the foundation of Protestant faith before he takes that People’s Templesque shit into the pulpit!

As for Newt? Mayhap he’ll luck out and have his name emerge in the sex scandal investigation. Hell, this Confessions of a Lustful Candidate routine may take him right into the blessed salvation of the Presidency.

Shucks, everyone knows how difficult it is to get any side action while…oh…fuck it…wince…no, don’t "fuck" it…mercy!

Mayhap we should replace Inaugural Balls with Purity Balls?

7 comments:

It's Me, Maven... said...

Methinks most politicos subscribe to that line from that AC/DC song:

"But the balls that are held for pleasure, are the balls that I like best."

He's [take yer pick on which "HE"] got the biggest balls of them all!

javaqueer said...

I'd be gaggin' & spittin' over the thought of Newt fuckin' anything or any body, but I am laughing too freakin' hard at the way you summarize it all. snort snicker...

Jeff said...

I for one don't want to think at ALL about Newt's hoo-hoo-diddy going anywhere near any woman's nether parts. I think I need to bleach my brain right now.

newsteve said...

I believe Newt has now said that he was not passing judgment on President Clinton for having an affair, but, rather, he was pushing for, no actually leading the charge for his impeachement, because Clinton perjured himself before a federal court - now we learn that all the while he was having an extra marital affair, while in congress, and, no less, with an employee of the house of representatives (do I hear sexual harassment). Okay Newt, you lying, cheating, harasser - dont expect me to buy your lame justification becasue this makes you a double hypocrite -do we want leaders who are lyers - no - we also dont want cheaters, harassers or hypocrites. I guess for Newt its okay, becasue he has since won the praise of Jerry Fallwell for fessing up. We can expect a short stint in rehab, and, voila, he's cured, and now qualified to be our next president.

more cowbell said...

Whoo-eee! Neo-Newt with his own Lewinskigate?

I know, I couldn't believe when I heard that shit. I was in the car, and got beeped at for sitting at a now-green light yelling, "What? Are you fuckingserious?!" at my radio.

Oh how the mighty fall.

(and I almost peed myself at the Newt as daddy to Anna Nicole's baby comment)

karl said...

Henry Kissinger said that power is the greatest aphrodesiac. That has to explain how Newt Gingrinch can get laid.

cats said...

this bull pisses me off like nothing else. why is it ok to condemn other people for their sexual immorality when you are doing the same f-ing thing? and then they think that jesus won't consider them hypocrites in the process?

wwjd? jesus would call them hypocrites. big f-ing hypocrites.