Note – A bitch’s dreams are just dreams and in no way reflect reality.
This bitch would never insult my dreams through reality based comparisons (wink).
Still rancid after all these years…
In the luxurious Chamber of Correction a bitch rested on the bejeweled thrown of bitchitude and gulped the fresh glass of water brought forth by none other than Christopher Hitchens. Hitch, whose correction is an on-going project, had spent the day fulfilling his task of collecting rain water from the leaves of tropical plants for a bitch’s pleasure.
Before me bound to the Four Points of Correction was Ann Coulter. This bitch calmly sipped my water whilst observing the reigning Queen of Rancidity.
“C’mon! It was just a joke!” Ann shot out in that nails on a chalkboard voice of hers.
Drawing out the Wrathful Rod of Correction I silenced Ann.
“Did I give you leave to speak, you vile emaciated wretch?” I asked. “Clearly you are in need of some serious instruction!”
A bitch turned towards Ann and gagged her carefully for fear of cutting myself on the sharp edges of her protruding eye sockets and cheekbones.
I deliberated on the issue of Ann’s lack of humanity and came to the conclusion that her home environment was not providing the kind of family values this bitch believes in. Blink. No matter how I looked at the situation…and we’re talking years of data documenting her downward spiral into pure rancidity…I came back to one clear fact.
Ann Coulter lacks home training.
Inspired, a bitch called forth some mothering options into the Chamber of Correction.
“Ann Coulter has been sentenced to 10 years of home training followed by 50 years of probation-based correction. I’m searching for the proper home to give her this training."
Madonna stepped up…"I think that’s brilliant! Brilliant! How jolly to be able to save a life. Give Ann Coulter to me. All I’ll need is a camera crew…we’ll set it in a village…and my public relations folks will have to draft a release…oh, and I’ll need three weeks to rehearse the dance sequence so…”
“Shut up. Gawd, woman! I’m trying to correct this wretched beast not position her as an extension of your brand. And who the fuck uses jolly in a sentence? Get thee gone!”
A bitch grasped my goblet of vodka cran and motioned Patricia Heaton forward.
“Uh, is this a church? I don’t see what the problem is with Ann. I mean, were any fetuses or cells that may or may not develop into fetuses destroyed during her speech? Am I missing something? What? Is Ann Coulter a ballot initiative? Because I’m more than willing to step up for and call protecting ballot initiative! Just let me contact my public relations staff, agent, the press…oh, and my make-up artist…”
A bitch drained the goblet of vodka cran.
“Cease woman! Gawd, there are no words. Get thee from my sight!”
Disgusted, a bitch was prepared to give up and banish Ann Coulter into a cage to deal with later when out of nowhere an orangish-pink complected figure appeared.
“Katie Couric? What the fuck?”
“Well, I’m looking for a ratings boost if you know what I mean. And, well heck I just don’t think Ann Coulter is very nice. What ever happened to nice, anyway? So, I though…gosh, I’m a mother and I know all about nice and home training. Why not visit the Chamber of…well, can I say that on television? What I mean is that I am willing to tackle the training of Ann Coulter!”
A bitch leaned back and slowly smiled.
“You’re on, Couric. Go forth and attempt to teach this nastified stank monster how to be nice!”
My dream faded away to the sound of Katie Couric lecturing Ann Coulter-Couric about "nice words" and proper perky behavior…followed by the soothing sound of Ann Coulter screaming.
And then I woke up!
My Contribution to the Latest Coultergasm:
I was going to have a few comments on Ann Coulter, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘bitch,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Coulter.
(reaction to Republican criticism for use of the word 'bitch')
C’mon, it was a joke. I would never insult Lynne Cheney by suggesting that she is like Ann Coulter. That would be mean.
Margaret Cho had the best to say about Coulter in a 2003 essay (h/t Susie at Surban Guerilla):
I dove into Ann's writing, which was a cross between bizarre accusations about liberal politicians and psycho babble hyperbolic lies that make no sense. The conservative men love her, because she is a loyal slave to the status quo. She is Cunta Kinte. As well as betraying her gender, as a notoriously anti-feminist woman hater, she is also racist, homophobic, without compassion, inhumane, arrogant, dishonest, contradictory, not funny, has an arguing technique that compares closely to "I know you are, but what am I?", wears red leather miniskirts and is just plain fucking wrong. I cannot even quote her because everything she says is too awful for me to write. All this and she isn't even hot. If you are going to be wrong, at least be hot.
I'd be real interested in whether or not dear Katie had any success. That Coulter person makes my skin crawl!
Ann in Pittsburgh
What a phenomenal dream, Bitch!
Sadly, Ann Coulter's sole purpose in life seems to be trying to make shocking enough statements to be relevant. Every once in awhile - like in this case - she hits a home run.
But when you brought Patricia Heaton into it...swoon.
A Kitty loves him some Angry Black Bitch.
Oh, and here's a lil youtube present for you.
Hey, have you been reading transgriot?
Funny, in my dreams coulter alway ends up dead from something like a fatal skin rash........oh, wait, those are my day dreams. Nevermind
A very satisfying dream-based correction. Are Coulter and Couric two sides of a coin? Have they ever been seen together? Can they exist in the same room?
This was hilarious, ABB. When you get the Wrathful Rod of Correction out, I know I'm in for a good time. (Uhhh... that doesn't sound right.)
me thnks its finally time to put forth your Ann Coulter play in a public forum. And i still want it to fast forward at the end to a Ford Theater-esque ending. Or a baseball bat.
thank you, ABB! that was the best thing i've read all week. it should be shared with the masses. ABB the reality show? a youtube segment? something.
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