When this bitch was a wee bitch I loved to climb willow trees. My mother was forever telling me to be careful…just be careful up there. My father kept it real by telling me that one day I might get up a tree and not know how to get back down. Dad’s opinion confused the hell out of me, but a bitch was too prideful to ask him to explain and too eager to climb to pause long enough to reflect on that shit.
One beautiful Saturday it happened.
Up the tree I went…way up, higher than ever before until I was closer to the sky than the ground.
And then I looked down and froze.
My heart raced…my hands grew damp…and I suddenly had to pee like a racehorse!
I couldn’t move and I was too embarrassed to call for help. My pride was in the balance and the thought of my mother’s smug expression in the face of this climbing drama was too much to suffer.
So I stayed…up that fucking tree…fearing a pee-based incident…for around an hour.
Finally my father came around back and called my name.
As I debated whether to respond he called my name again with greater urgency…you know, the way parent’s call your name when they fear you’ve been snatched.
Fuck it, I either confess or pee myself and then confess…there was no way I was getting down by myself and my bladder was fixing to explode.
“I’m up here!” I reluctantly called back.
“What the hell are you doing up in that tree this long?” he hollered, strolling towards the huge willow.
“I’m stuck.” I tossed down at him in disgust.
“Thought so.” He tossed up with a wink.
Up Dad came and down we went. I sprinted from his arms into the house…down the hall and to the toilet, where relief for my bladder was finally found.
Slowly...post-pee...I returned outside and met my father’s laughing gaze. In true 6 year old fashion, my embarrassment manifested itself in a snot-infused sobbing session
“Well, I hope you learned your lesson.” Dad stated as he mopped up my face.
“Not to climb trees?” I said, having given the matter no thought whatsoever and just wanting to get this entire episode behind me.
“Don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter, girl. You climbed the tree and couldn’t get back down. Now think. Is there a lesson in that?”
Was there ever!
Don’t climb a tree without a plan to get back down...unless you’re prepared to be there for a spell while you figure out the getting down part...if you figure it out at all.
Being wrong after having not listened to someone who was right fucking sucks, but a bitch never got stuck in that motherfucking tree again.
Gawd save us from the fool willing to languish amid those willowing limbs and pee himself rather than suffer the truth on solid ground…