Thursday, December 21, 2006

Bitchfirmations for the holidays…

This bitch is in typical holiday stress mode. I have to run out and play Santa Bitch this afternoon to a bunch of wild and loud chil'ren…finalize my holiday list of necessary things…and hit the book store for my I’m not leaving this house or having human contact for 24 hours post holiday hermitization.

Whew!

All of this would be much more doable if this bitch weren’t burnt the fuck out from a very long and emotional year!

I know just what I need!

Bitchfirmations for the holidays...
When confronted with a holiday gathering that is politically necessary but an emotional beating. (Un-bondable in-laws, folks that you’re tired of looking at, sorta-friends of your mate who work your nerve and make you question your mates sanity because they don’t work their nerve…shit like that).

Cease fretting, woman! That line between your brows needs to disappear...right this minute...NOW!

Resolve to rise above and be the better person by getting your Powell Doctrine on and planning an exit strategy.

Blink.

Mmhmm, RSVP with a 'we have another thing to go to but of course we’d love to drop by' qualifier. Make sure everyone driving in the car is on board with the strategy. Enter the gathering, note any notable things, nurse a vodka cran whilst munching on munchables (this is key, because it occupies the mouth and will prevent any scene causing public acts of verbal honesty). Circle the room twice and then leave.

That mission is as good as accomplished!

When stressing over holiday to-dos and expectations…
If it can’t get done it can’t get done! Get a hold of yourself…this is a holiday not a fully funded with objectives and anticipated outcomes followed by 'oh shit, my career is on the line' project.

Take a deep breath…exhale…and reclaim your festivitude!

Look at you, with your bad self...you deserve some motherfucking joy too!

So claim it…and if someone wants cookies that you don’t want to or have time to bake tell that someone to bake them their own damn self!

When lamenting the ghosts of relationships past…
Shit, some relationships needed to get gone...or have you forgotten how they ended up on the curb in the first place?

Girl, please.

Celebrate the family you have and the family you have been blessed to build.

Shit, your life overfloweth with fantabulous people.

Enjoy them, for the love of all that is holy (wink)!

In Conclusion...
This bitch is setting my holiday mood with the music of Cheryl Lynn

Ooh, your love's for real now
You know that your love is my love
My love is your love
Our love is here to stay

What you find-ah
What you feel now
What you know-a

To be real

Ahh, gotcha dancing didn’t I?

6 comments:

GayProf said...

I like the bit about not lamenting relationships past... Ghosts are best reserved for Halloween, is what I say.

Happy Holidays, ABB!

AOB said...

"Public acts of verbal honesty"....

yeah baby!!!!

lesley said...

oh man, i really, really needed this. Thank you!
got one for absolutely no money, single mother with two kids?

pj said...

Go Bitch!

I'm still laughing over the "Hot Mess Walikng" then you go and lay it out for all to see.

My mother in law complains about cinnamon and the length of a fork. But she's mine and I love her.

someone said...

Santa Bitch e-cards? Pretty please?

liza said...

you killed me!