Thursday, July 06, 2006

Pondering the dinner party from hell...

A bitch likes to think of international diplomacy as a kind of mandatory dinner party that is tense as a motherfucker. Lots of folks representing various nation states are seated at a table…the menu has been argued and debated until the participants end up nibbling on stale rice cakes and sampling cold assed broth. The participants have pre-agreed to not discuss anything crucial, but everyone knows that information will be exchanged in spite of those rules.

Mmmhmmm.

Everyone is overly polite and faux…pretending that they all are pleased to be there eating stale cakes and sipping cold broth…all the while passing notes under the table trash talking each other left and right.

Imagine all those faux expressions of serenity above table in contrast to the heated debates going on through multitudes of notes passing rapidly back and forth under the table.

A sip of cold broth…a note condemning your neighbor’s military posturing on your other neighbor’s northern border…a nibble of stale rice cake…and another note challenging a trade agreement that you never really wanted to sign in the first place and don’t appreciate being remind of now.

"Would you like some more wine?"

Followed by a note...

Why the fuck are you aiming missiles at my ally?

"Are you pleased with the broth?"

And another note...

How dare you question my oppression of ethnic minorities?

"And are your chil’ren doing well?"

Stated as yet another note is passed...

We never agreed to those sanctions in the first place, asshole!

Mercy.

This is how a bitch imagines things going down and why this bitch thinks so little gets done. Everyone ends up pissed off and unable to state publicly why they are pissed off, hungry as a motherfucker because dinner was stank nasty and dreading the next international diplomatic dinner party-esque event from hell.

Every now and then someone decides to shake shit up at these parties. They stand up, toss their rice cake on the table and shout Fuck this nasty assed shit...why the hell didn’t you serve salad?!? at the top of their lungs.

All hell breaks loose…the party turns into the international diplomatic version of Star Jones at war with Barbara Walters…people take sides and pretend that they have always been best friends for ever and are beyond insulted that anyone would dare to question the absolute joy of stale rice cakes and cold broth for dinner!

It’s all bullshit…statements of support are made with no intention of backing them up…and everyone leaves the party, gets into their vehicles and immediately gets on their cell phones to gossip about each other and how tacky the other folks are and of course the rice cake was nasty and the broth was cold but how gauche to mention it like that and no one would have invited that asshole if he/she didn’t have tons of nuclear weapons.

Anyhoo, a bitch was pondering the diplomatic dinner party from hell that is currently going down in world. North Korea has officially bitched about being ignored all evening and is pissed that America offered Iran a larger bowl of cold broth while ignoring their semi-empty bowl despite the fact that they brought their famed 4th Largest Army of the World Casserole to the table.

China is refusing to even sample the broth as long as Taiwan is allowed in the room…Taiwan is threatening to shove their Pro-Democracy Salad right under China’s nose with a healthy portion of We Have Weapon’s Too and If That’s What It Takes To Get Some Fucking Attention Then So Be It flavoring tossed in for good measure. China, thoroughly annoyed, is openly discussing a trip to the closest drive through fast food joint for a double burger with Massive Military Capabilities and a One China Policy on the side as soon as this drama is over.

Israel can’t believe that everyone else is loading up their collective plates when they need someone to pass them the Escalating Tensions In Need Of Tending To In The Region Salt and the Hello? We Are Massing To On The West Bank Pepper.

Russia is still seething over the snide comment America made about the blandness of their Stalin Wasn’t Such a Bad Guy potatoes and A Free Press Is Overrated kabobs…and they are visibly pleased to see Iran enjoying the dish and going for seconds.

Meanwhile the masses…the people who make up the world these dinner guests tinker with and scheme to dominate…sit with stomachs growling and hungry for peace.

Is peace even on the fucking menu?

Shit.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

RBL here,

Perhaps you've already seen this, but I wondered if you might encourage your readers to blast the sh*t out of Sony for their baffling tone-deafness:

http://blackademic.blogspot.com/2006/07/what.html

Susan D. said...

Brilliant.

silverserpent said...

fuck no, peace ain't on the menu- never has and never will be. I think it gives those motherfuckers indigestion. and freedom, well I think that they think of this dish kinda like blowfish- it must be very carefully cut before serving, being sure to remove the right vital organs, or it is deadly.

Eddie said...

Wow. Of course I knew that North Korea and Iran were looking to start some shit, but I had no idea about Taiwan planning to test-fire missiles, or about Russia and China losing their minds even more than they already have.

I daresay the world is even less safe than it was during the Cold War when we had all our nukes pointed at the Soviets and they had all their nukes pointed at us.

lightning said...

I love it!!

No way is peace on the menu. They start passin' around the peace, they won't need these parties. Can't have that.

As to bein' safe, nowadays no more than two, three of the folks here are carrying live grenades, instead of anybody who can get one.

Ant Annie said...

Wow, ABB - I didn't really understand international diplomacy until I read your enlightened piece. You have made things easy for the commom (wo)man to understand. You are brilliant! If you ever run for office, make it a national one - I would vote for you in a heartbeat!

Peace.

~ann