Monday, July 10, 2006

My people call that constipated...


A certain Gatsby’s Ghost and the Catch have an ice cream making machine.

And guess what they made for this bitch’s enjoyment?

Double fudgey chocolate yumtastic ice cream…with Smarties incorporated.

Oh.

My.

GAWD!

I’m getting a wee bit illish, but my happy ass can’t stop eating it. Something about the fudgey ice cream makes the milk chocolate of the Smarties more milk chocolate-esque.

Ugh.

So good.

Give me a second…okay, another second…fuck it, five minutes.

Oh hell yes!

Ahem.

Anyhoo…ummm, so CNN just announced that Congress is constipated.

What?

They did!

Look…look right here.

Mmmhmmm, let that be the last time you doubt me (wink).


Congress is constipated like a tourist returning from a cheese tour. This is not the same as being full of shit...they can’t pass a damned thing. Sadly, their constipation is our loss. When Congress can’t pass legislation it has much the same affect as you not being able to pass shit.

The unpassed shit…pun intended…gets backed up, you start to get sluggish, you then get ill and, if that blockage persists, you can even die. Now, you wouldn’t let yourself walk around for the next four months without being able to take a healthy shit…would you? But that’s what Congress plans to do.

Do nothing motherfuckers.

A bitch was disturbed by this diagnosis of persistent constipation and decided to investigate.

It seems that Congress has been eating a lot of pork…tons of pork…too much pork and not enough healthy stuff. They keep cheating on their constitutionally prescribed weight loss plan and glutting on rich sweets like a federal cost of living pay raise for themselves. But a bitch thinks they could have still avoided being blocked up…they may have had some serious gas, but Congress wouldn’t have this complete blockage if they hadn’t spent the past month indulging in plate after plate of America Values Agenda nastification.

Mercy, why don’t they just eat pickled pigs feet day and night?

Heaven to hell and back again!

But chil’ren, there is a solution. Congress can unclog that system with some high fiber legislation…Social Security reform, education reform, Medicare and Medicaid reform, immigration reform and toss in a renewal of the Voting Rights Act as a vitamin supplement.

Either way, this bitch recommends giving the Congressional restroom some serious distance...

8 comments:

CanEragon said...

Smarty box is in the pike and will go out this week. Since I finally have time to go shopping...

Budgeting sucks...

Jeremy

Shark-fu said...

Oh my! Smartie goodness from Montreal!

Thanks in advance, Jeremy, for the gift of Smartie based joy...

dannoynted1 said...

perhaps congress wants you to live up to your name so NOW you really can pass something healthy!

"heaven is a place on earth"~belinda carlisle

Jeff said...

See? Unlike Congress, we aim to please. And we have follow-through. Glad you enjoyed the Smartie-ness, sweetie!

Kelley said...

May I also suggest passing some legislative protections for women's reproductive rights, and repealing that abomination that was the Bankruptcy "Reform" act.

Oh, and, what are Smarties, anyway? I thought they were those little faux Sweetarts but apparently they have chocolatey goodness in them??

Shark-fu said...

Kelley
The Smarties with chocolate goodness are not available in the United States.

Sob.

But kind Canadians are often willing to send them across the border.

They are a Nestle product and may be available on-line.

Yumtastic!

Ant Annie said...

Smarties on-line

http://panhandlepremium.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=PP&Product_Code=NSB&Category_Code=BTB

And don't worry about eating too many - Nestle just bought Jenny Craig... :-)

Disgusted in St. Louis said...

Haha, Congress is constipated.

That explains why they are always so irritable (see IBS) and angry. Unfortunatelly, our Senators Bond and Talent along with Rep. Blunt are among the most full of shit members of Congress.

I wish it was as easy as sending them a box of Exlax to get them moved out of office.