Monday, October 17, 2005

A plague of uncertainty...

Chil’ren, a bitch is exhausted! My ass just couldn’t get to sleep last night. Oh well, now a bitch is slow and seeking energy…

3 cups coffee followed by Splenda and 1% organic milk, cheesy eggs and toast, 1 Claritin, 1 Sudafed (a bitch needs to go to the Medicine Shoppe and stock up) and cigs…

My ass watched the Today Show this morning and was disturbed to see Katie Couric looking very Joan Riversesque. Someone hit the Botox a little too hard this weekend! This bitch finds an expressionless face freakish. Since Katie was already looking every inch the over preserved freak, this recent round of Botox resulted in an uber-freak appearance. Isn’t it a little early for Halloween?

A bitch was trying to figure out what brought on this new experiment in anti-aging when young Dakota Fanning appeared…on horseback in Central Park.

Oh…now my ass gets it! Katie, desperate to appear young a vivacious next to the new tween queen, decided to…well…renew herself over the weekend.

Fuck me if she didn’t appear alongside Dakota in the second half hour…on horseback in Central Park. After listening to her talk to Miss Fanning as if the child were a toddler and not a pre-teen, a bitch switched over to CNN to get caught up on the sorta-news of the day.

A plague of uncertainty…
Harriet Miers is facing a vicious confirmation hearing. Social conservatives are still not sold on her and would like to see her nomination derailed so that Scooter would be forced to put up one of their chosen fascists. Democrats have been struck mute…do they diss her and then face a more seasoned conservative nomination or do they confirm her and face a lifetime of trying to figure her out? DRAMA! Suffice it to say, this confirmation hearing will most likely be a combination of Clarence Thomas and Robert Bork. Oh yes, this is definitely going to be appointment viewing for a bitch!

Scooter Libby (a bitch is still pissed that his ass has taken over my nickname for the president) has emerged as a likely target for the investigators trying to track down who was responsible for the illegal leaking of CIA operative Mrs. Wilson to Bob I am Satan Novak. This bitch is still confused…didn’t Novak leak the name? When all the dust is settled, shouldn’t Novak still have to answer to what he knew and when he knew it? The Prince of Darkness should answer for this shit…tick tock on the justice clock for Novak and his fellow minions.

Karl Rove just got done testifying again before the Grand Jury investigating the same illegal leak of Mrs. Wilson’s name. This bitch has been giving Karl special corrective attention of late. Word on the street is that Karl plans to resign if indicted. Oh, how the mighty do fall! Who wants to take bets on whether Karl masters his own salvation? Crafty motherfucker.

Tom DeLay, the Exterminator from hell, is knee deep in a shit flood of his own creation. Drama couldn’t happen to a better asshole. So, why hasn’t the Attorney General of Missouri launched an investigation into DeLay’s connection to Roy and Matt Blunts campaigns? Oh, and wasn’t he linked to Jim I don’t like work Talent’s fundraising too? What gives Missouri? Time to dig dirt, assholes…GET TO IT!

And to top it off, Scooter’s triumphant Iraqi election fell rather flat. Americans are worn out and totally over this war. Scooter’s attempt to rally public support resulted in yet another public relations disaster. Coaching happens all the time, but this bitch wants to know who on the Scooter payroll backstabbed his ass by broadcasting the entire pre-event coaching session to every major news outlet. That was beyond bitchy! Fantabulous.

Ah, this week in bitchitude looks promising...

6 comments:

CrankyProf said...

Shit. Getting news from 'Today' is like trying to get teeth from hens. Were you watching the 'Today' show when that newsbitch was reporting about flooding in a canoe and got outed -- the water was only about four inches deep! Two guys walked in front of the canoe.

She kept right with her script, pretendign the water was waist-deep!

Absolut Billy said...

If one agrees with the news reports of last week none of this will matter as we will all be dead via the bird flu.

But hey if anyone is gonna save us its Scooters magnificantly chosen czar of diseases, whos claim to fame was working at Amtrak. Hasnt Scooter ever fucking heard of Monster.com?

AOB said...

Damn girl just flog em!!!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I am not sure if there are others who think likewise, but, doesn't Dakota Fanning have that schizoid kinda look? Perhaps that "touch of crazy" I am thinking of is exaggerated by her idol like support/worship of TinyTom...

And Re: the AG of MO... I can see the tagline now... "Don't Delay: Show Me The Scandal!"

Mr. Brian said...

"This bitch finds an expressionless face freakish."

This comment reminded me of something a coworker once told me: her aunt was afraid to laugh at funny stuff because she was afraid of getting wrinkles.

It's good to know that the entire GOP empire is falling. Rome fell and it was a great empire. So naturally it follows that an empire as shoddy as the GOP empire should come tumbling down like a straw house.

Keep up the excellent commentary!

ChelleC said...

Okay, I must know - why do you call the Shrub "Scooter"? I really enjoy reading your blog. Chelle