Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Scooter and the neverending photo ops...

This morning it was announced that Scooter and Laura were going to appear on the Today Show! This bitch took copious notes and added a bit of bitch-flavor to the following recount...

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, cheesy eggs with toast, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Scooter and the neverending photo ops - Another Failed Strategy…
Sunday night, after watching Scooter’s already damaged reputation take a beating on every political chat show, the minions gathered to discuss strategy.

It was decided that Scooter and Laura would head down to the Gulf and attempt to piggyback on the Today Show’s rebuilding efforts. The minions secreted Scooter and Laura out of the White House and prepped him for the interview.

“Be strong and be consistent! America needs to see that the President is working hard and engaged!” the minions chanted.

“I am working hard, motherfuckers! Just give me the hammer and shut the fuck up!” Scooter slurred.

Laura snarled firecely…"Pull yourself together, man! I’ll have you back in your cage in a fucking second if you don’t get into character!”

Ever fearful of his lonely cage, Scooter repented and reviewed the talking points.

Scooter and Laura joined Matt at the Today Show’s Habitat for Humanity build site. Scooter had a hammer and Matt had a microphone…

Matt, carefully avoiding contact with dirt and wood-like materials, addressed Scooter…"What is the biggest change you’ve seen in the region post Katrina?”

Scooter fingered his hammer and desperately wishing he could smash Lauer’s head open…“Hope is returning! Oh, and they are rebuilding an infrastructure.”

Matt…"Are you trying to get a second chance at a first impression by coming down here?”

“Don’t be glib. You’re being glib! You don’t know anything about first impressions. I KNOW ABOUT FIRST IMPRESSIONS! A lot of people are working hard! I take responsibility!”

Matt, careful to step back from the irate President…”Some Democrats are calling your trips bullshit photo ops. They want to see a plan. Do you have a plan?”

“I don’t think Washington should dictate to New Orleans how to rebuild. I don’t share the attitude that we know more than local people!” Scooter replied dismissively.

Matt, digging in and attempting to be a journalist…”Congressional Democrats are upset that new relief legislation lacks a forgiveness clause and mandates that loans be paid back in 5 years. Are you going to ask that a forgiveness clause be put back in?”

“The initial legislation was for small amounts of money. The new legislation is for large amounts of money. It’s a lot of money! I’m giving these people 5 years to pay it back. Shit, those are the terms mandated by China! You sure are quoting a lot of Democrats today, Matt.” Jesus, I hate this motherfucker Scooter thought then flushed with the fear that he might have actually said that out loud.

Desperate to sound Presidential, Scooter offered up…“I’m trying to inspire people to volunteer!”

Matt, remembering that the Today Show isn’t real news…”That’s a good point! This may motivate others.”

Seeing her husband going down in flames, Laura tossed in…”This is very American!”

“I think most people are not interest in politics!” Scooter mumbled, desperate for a shot of bourbon…JUST ONE FUCKING HIT OF BOURBON, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Matt…”Are you surprised by the reaction of your fellow Republicans to the nomination of Miers?”

I’m surprised that I haven’t bashed your head in with this fucking hammer, asshole! “I made the decision to nominate someone who is not part of the judicial monestary!” Scooter fumbled.

Always eager to redirect, Laura dug deep…”Harriet Miers is a role model for young women! This may be sexism!”

Wondering if the cameraman was getting his good side, Matt changed topics…”Many people are concerned about Avian Flu. Is this the end of days?”

“We are working hard. We need to give more power to the military to take the lead on these things.”

Sensing that Scooter was on the verge of a breakdown, Lauer turned to Laura…”Your husband has been through a lot. What toll has all of this taken on him?

Laura, eyes glassy and lips tight…”He has very broad shoulders!”

Hung over and desperate for Irish coffee, Scooter finished with…“I can barely stand up! Let’s go build a house!”

Eager to take out some frustration on a defenseless wall, Scooter walked away and began to hammer like a madman.

“I’m working hard! Can’t they see how fucking hard I’m working!” Scooter mumbled while striking blindly with the hammer.

Laura spat on the ground, cursed sharply and glared at Scooter. So much for strategy, she thought, and longed for the days of vetted audiences and pre-screened questions.

A bitch, sitting beside her beloved sorta-beagle, sat back in stunned silence.

ABB to Betsey the sorta-beagle…"We’re fucked.”

Betsey to her bitch…"Girl, you’ve been fucked.”


sources4choice said...

This is what happens when there are no requirements besides being an an American born citizen, being at least 35 years old and having lived in the US for at least 14 years to become president gets you. The real reform that is needed in the US political system is real scrutinity, teaching on how to be a good leader and agreement of doing no harm in the US or the rest of the world. Elected officials should also have to interact with, and be held accontable by the people who elecet them. As the system is set up now they can be in office and never even speak to anyone in areas they are representing. This is beyond odd.
In response to a comment yesterday that Scooter's new selection for the court is a ploy, I say if it is then the republicans are the best playwrites to ever come down the pike. People are giving them too much credit for dreaming up elaborate schemes. They definately dream up schemes but not as many as people would like to believe. The real problem is the fact that Dems need to take charge and put their own plans out there, call Rpes on their stuff that is not looking out for the people, embrace the term liberal and state that there is nothing wrong in wanting to help as many people as possible, when did this become so wrong?

Lastly, and more importantly, all this paricisan rhetoric is not getting the problems solved. Both sides should sit down and determine what is truly best for the nation and people not what is best for business. This is true wisdom. The both sides could use some wisdom. We pay into a system where we can't get health care, where people are starving and poor like in third world countries, where crime is high and hatred great. Let's start really solving the problems and looking at real solutions and thinking out their long term effects.


Shark-Fu said...

Oh...are we going to be serious?

Okay a bitch can dig it.

Regarding the requirements for President...this bitch likes them as they are. Scooter is Andover/Harvard/Yale educated and a complete dumbass. He was elected because the masses didn't participate and demand real answers...not because we don't have a more detailed job description.

Regarding elected officials interacting with their constituents...actually elected officials are required by law to spend time in their native states/counties/districts. Give them a call and schedule an appointment...this bitch does all the fucking time. That communication thang goes both ways and we all need to start taking responsibility for what we fail to do.

Regarding Dems and the lack of a plan...a bitch couldn't agree more. So, lets come up with some ideas and help these motherfuckers along.

Regarding leadership...it can not be taught. Leaders are made from action and events. The best school for leaders is the school of life.

Anyhoo, a bitch is all for infusing wisdom and logic into the political process. But my ass also enjoys a good partisan read every now and then.

Oh, and a good conspiracy theory soothes this bitchy soul.

Anonymous said...

I just love it when you tell it like it is, too. I also interact with my elected officials. If I didn't, I would have no right to complain.

Homer said...

Do you think Laura is snorting Sudafeds right now while wondering where her germacidal wipes are?

equeyaya said...

shit, i just wanted to comment that you are too fucking funny. yes, it's serious, but the comic relief helps keep me sane.

Unknown said...

We're all fucked, another great post, bitch.

Unknown said...

You always make it plain and easier to digest. I know it all very serious, but to have it transmitted the way you do it is bearable.

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