This morning it was announced that Scooter and Laura were going to appear on the Today Show! This bitch took copious notes and added a bit of bitch-flavor to the following recount...
2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, cheesy eggs with toast, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…
Scooter and the neverending photo ops - Another Failed Strategy…
Sunday night, after watching Scooter’s already damaged reputation take a beating on every political chat show, the minions gathered to discuss strategy.
It was decided that Scooter and Laura would head down to the Gulf and attempt to piggyback on the Today Show’s rebuilding efforts. The minions secreted Scooter and Laura out of the White House and prepped him for the interview.
“Be strong and be consistent! America needs to see that the President is working hard and engaged!” the minions chanted.
“I am working hard, motherfuckers! Just give me the hammer and shut the fuck up!” Scooter slurred.
Laura snarled firecely…"Pull yourself together, man! I’ll have you back in your cage in a fucking second if you don’t get into character!”
Ever fearful of his lonely cage, Scooter repented and reviewed the talking points.
Scooter and Laura joined Matt at the Today Show’s Habitat for Humanity build site. Scooter had a hammer and Matt had a microphone…
Matt, carefully avoiding contact with dirt and wood-like materials, addressed Scooter…"What is the biggest change you’ve seen in the region post Katrina?”
Scooter fingered his hammer and desperately wishing he could smash Lauer’s head open…“Hope is returning! Oh, and they are rebuilding an infrastructure.”
Matt…"Are you trying to get a second chance at a first impression by coming down here?”
“Don’t be glib. You’re being glib! You don’t know anything about first impressions. I KNOW ABOUT FIRST IMPRESSIONS! A lot of people are working hard! I take responsibility!”
Matt, careful to step back from the irate President…”Some Democrats are calling your trips bullshit photo ops. They want to see a plan. Do you have a plan?”
“I don’t think Washington should dictate to New Orleans how to rebuild. I don’t share the attitude that we know more than local people!” Scooter replied dismissively.
Matt, digging in and attempting to be a journalist…”Congressional Democrats are upset that new relief legislation lacks a forgiveness clause and mandates that loans be paid back in 5 years. Are you going to ask that a forgiveness clause be put back in?”
“The initial legislation was for small amounts of money. The new legislation is for large amounts of money. It’s a lot of money! I’m giving these people 5 years to pay it back. Shit, those are the terms mandated by China! You sure are quoting a lot of Democrats today, Matt.” Jesus, I hate this motherfucker Scooter thought then flushed with the fear that he might have actually said that out loud.
Desperate to sound Presidential, Scooter offered up…“I’m trying to inspire people to volunteer!”
Matt, remembering that the Today Show isn’t real news…”That’s a good point! This may motivate others.”
Seeing her husband going down in flames, Laura tossed in…”This is very American!”
“I think most people are not interest in politics!” Scooter mumbled, desperate for a shot of bourbon…JUST ONE FUCKING HIT OF BOURBON, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Matt…”Are you surprised by the reaction of your fellow Republicans to the nomination of Miers?”
I’m surprised that I haven’t bashed your head in with this fucking hammer, asshole! “I made the decision to nominate someone who is not part of the judicial monestary!” Scooter fumbled.
Always eager to redirect, Laura dug deep…”Harriet Miers is a role model for young women! This may be sexism!”
Wondering if the cameraman was getting his good side, Matt changed topics…”Many people are concerned about Avian Flu. Is this the end of days?”
“We are working hard. We need to give more power to the military to take the lead on these things.”
Sensing that Scooter was on the verge of a breakdown, Lauer turned to Laura…”Your husband has been through a lot. What toll has all of this taken on him?
Laura, eyes glassy and lips tight…”He has very broad shoulders!”
Hung over and desperate for Irish coffee, Scooter finished with…“I can barely stand up! Let’s go build a house!”
Eager to take out some frustration on a defenseless wall, Scooter walked away and began to hammer like a madman.
“I’m working hard! Can’t they see how fucking hard I’m working!” Scooter mumbled while striking blindly with the hammer.
Laura spat on the ground, cursed sharply and glared at Scooter. So much for strategy, she thought, and longed for the days of vetted audiences and pre-screened questions.
A bitch, sitting beside her beloved sorta-beagle, sat back in stunned silence.
ABB to Betsey the sorta-beagle…"We’re fucked.”
Betsey to her bitch…"Girl, you’ve been fucked.”