Thursday, July 26, 2007

Upon the discovery of the Skinny Ass Robustus virus…

Shall we?

A bitch watched the breaking news that a person can catch weight gain from their friends with intense interest. Apparently some new study…and don’t you just love how there is always a new study?...found that overweight people seem to “catch” their weight gain from within their friendship circles.

Oh my, so its not the result of consuming massive quantities of smothered yumminess after all.

Blink.

Three cheers for massive quantities of smothered soul food yumminess!

Well, that changes everything about my approach to the size of my ass. Out with the “sometimes foods” and in with manipulating frightfully thin people into friendship so this bitch can catch a good case of Skinny Ass Robustus!

Wink.

Do I really want to catch a case of Skinny Ass Robustus?

Not a serious case, that’s for sure. A bitch ain’t trying to lose my curves (wink). Come to think of it, I could give a shit about weight loss. Skinny as hell is not my beauty ideal. But...but, but, but...if I catch this thin virus I could eat all the smothered yumminess I want and never gain more weight!

Happy, happy, happy…and joy times three!

Okay, so I need to locate frightfully thin people for my party. But wait! Some of my friends are frightfully thin. If thin is a virus…and you catch is from friends who are infected with thin…then why the hell is a bitch not frightfully thin?

Oh, I get it. I must not have been properly exposed to Skinny Ass Robustus!

Mayhap I should throw a Skinny Ass Robustus party the way parents throw a Chicken Pox party?

Yes!

But someone is going to have to explain how I catch this shit.

Do I rub up against the frightfully thin people…a lot…all night until we’ve exchanged germs?

Lawd, I hope they aren’t bony thin people.

Pause…consider…continue.

Bony wouldn’t be any fun…a bitch might cut myself on a hip (wink)! I’ll settle for toned and firm. Yeah, toned and firm is the kind of the contagion I’m looking for.

Hmmm, an evening of toned body on firm body party-fication.

Ooooh.

Who gives a shit if I get frightfully thin?!?

My Skinny Ass Robustus party may turn into the debauch of the motherfucking century!

Thanks be to science…

12 comments:

Maya's Granny said...

When I read about this, all I thought about was now I would know who my true friends are, because everyone else was going to drop me out of fear of catching fat.

Mahala said...

What I want to know is, who's job is it to come up with the ideas for the studies? I mean, someone along the way had to actually wonder if you could get wide-hiney-itis from someone.

Antonio said...

The study is just common sense. You tend to be like the company you keep. Even the revelation that siblings living far apart have similar weights is elementary. Most people develop their eating habits in childhood.

more cowbell said...

Oh! My friend sent me this link and we were joking about it, because I've gained so much weight since coming back to the States. It just figures -- I catch fat instead of catching thin. Typical. Damnit!

CrankyProf said...

Great. We've moved on from second-hand smoke, and now the new scourge is second-hand fat.

Another reason to shun, ridicule and marginalize fat people was really needed in our society.

Jeff said...

I think Ann Coulter has a terminal case of Skinny Ass Robustus (she does look a bit like Skeletor, doesn't she?), but if you rub up against her, I suggest using your foot (preferably clad in a chunky, heavy heel) up against her nastified face.

Well, it's just a thought.

b. medusa said...

next year i'll be 50 & my sisters have yet to catch a case of Skinny Ass Robustus. likewise, much as i covet some curves, i've never been able to catch wide-hiney-itis either. methinks what crankyprof said.

terrintokyo said...

lol - I've been living in the land of Skinny Ass Robustus for the past 10 years, and I assure you, I double-wide assure you that teh skinny has not rubbed off on me.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

What Jeff said! HA!

Stupid studies that make no sense and waste a bunch of money. I wonder how much govt. money they got to decide this crap? Idiots.

schyphozoa said...

Hee!
Dear ABB,
We've never met. But I have decided that I love you.

Lola Gets said...

I dont think one party is going to do the trick. I think if you want to catch the "skinny virus" youd have to hang out with skinny people, like, all the time. THEN its sure to rub off!
LOL
"lookin fer skinny friends"
L

phentermine online said...

I totally agry with author about his idea of "skinny virus"