Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sex and the church...

It’s Wednesday, chil’ren! But really, it’s Friday due to the holiday!

Fan-fucking-tabulous!

This bitch has been feeding on a bitch’s sister’s yummy chocolate chip cookies made with butter…real butter! Yumminess to the second power!

Sex and the Church...
It appears that a certain Catholic Church has hired a new P.R. agency! Shit…it’s like they are doing a re-launch of the brand! Clearly, someone has found a press release template that they really like and isn’t afraid to use it.

For the record…gay priests are banned. Once again, lesbian nuns have benefited from the Church’s tendency to forget and/or ignore women in the church. The best part of the press release was that it leaked information about a document that has yet to be formally presented! Very nice, Pontifical One! Leaking, spinning and positioning…and y’all said that da Vinci stuff was off the mark...

Okay, before all the gay priests who read a bitch’s blog freak out, allow me to calm your fears. If you have been able to…well…overcome your gayness for three years…not two…not four…three years, you can still be a priest. Since overcoming gayness is not defined in the leaked sample of the document that has not been presented but will be presented after several weeks of Pontifical spin, a bitch is unable to supply any tips on how gayness is overcome.

If you are a priest you are supposed to be celibate.

Shudder.

If you are celibate, you aren’t fucking…so this must all come down to who you lust after. But who the fuck can tell you who you are lusting after anyway? So, basically the church is telling gay priests to withhold their gayness…to lie or deny…but lying is a sin…so just stay the fuck away so the church doesn’t have to deal with you! Jesus!

Or maybe it could be that whole masturbation thing. But masturbation is murder...unless you have no seed to waste, so once again women are off the hook as long as they get off without lust, which isn't much fun. Gawd, my head hurts! And how would the church know who is whacking off to what, when and where? Unless those secret spy holes really exist in the monastery. Freaks!

But secret spy holes kinda turn a bitch on…anyway, moving on…freaks! Spying on wanna-be priests whacking off has got to be a sin! Confess.

Well, since lust is wrong and masturbation is murder one would assume that a serious wanna-be gay priest would not participate in either. Which means that the standard for gauging whether a priest is a gay priest would have to be based on his inability to control his…well…natural human reaction to his fellow man.

And shame on you, oh Pontifical One, for looking at your fellow priest's groin areas! SHAME!

It dawns on me that perhaps this doctrine is flawed because the P.R. folks writing it are sexual novices. Not having experienced the joy of freakitude, they are basically unable to anticipate the problems presented in their release...or would that be lack of release...shit, my ass means press release. A bitch thinks they should sample some delights and then re-write the leaked but not yet official document with some specifics on how to not be what you already are…or at least how not to act on it…which they would realize is impossible if they only indulged a bit in some lustitude. Fuck it…there’s got to be tons of sex going on there or sex wouldn’t be such a hot topic…freaks!

All of this is getting a bitch a wee bit hot…which would be a sin…except a bitch isn’t Catholic, but rather a member of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!

As a founding bitch within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks, my ass is going to issue my own press release on all things sexual!

ABB’s doctrine of all things sexual within the faithful…

As we are all made in the Devine One’s image…all are welcome in the church!

That was easy, wasn’t it?

Go forth, get your freak on and spread the gospel…

11 comments:

cats said...

oooh, i'm the first to comment!

most denominations would be in deep poop if they were to get rid of all their gay clergy. and i'm not just talkin' 'bout the catholics (who are going through a shortage right now) but most mainline denominations. there was a while there where i had more gay clergy friends than straight ones.

people need to get their mind out of the bedroom and deal with some real religious issues like oh, i don't know, maybe POVERTY.

Bkwyrm said...

The whole thing just makes my head spin - there are more priests over the age of 65 right now than there are total in seminaries. My dad was a Catholic priest for 17 years who left due to what he saw as widespread corruption and no real concern for the poor and needy. He's 76 - fully one third of his graduating seminary class left the priesthood. The current pope, and the last one, won't release people from their vows, but they leave anyway. The church has to change or it's going to end up without clergy.
Love the blog, by the way. Hello from a white bitch in Chicago!

notfornothin said...

does this new outline say anything about having sex IN a church???

Evi said...

Hey, i'm so glad to meet you Angry Black Bitch!
"Once again, lesbian nuns have benefited from the Church’s tendency to forget and/or ignore women in the church." This is my favorite comment. It just shows how women are always second class citizens in religion! So it's gotta be all a conspiracy! hehe
Also, this thing about Catholic priests. It is all as complicated as you present it. Basically because i think we are all slaves to our physical needs to one point or another we like it or not. We can fight off hunger for a time, or sleepiness or anger or the urge to pee. But sooner or later, we're gonna eat and sleep and piss! We can fight off our sexual urges but for how long? I know they do it to become closer to God but in other religions, priests are encouraged to marry and they all have tons of kids! Does this make them less close to their God than Catholic priests? Or are they actually closer to him since they are following the urges that this higher being gave them anyway?(according to what they believe, not what i personally believe)
Anyway, i liked your post.The inner churnings of your mind are very intriguing.

Qivan said...

This is what's good about it. Up until recently the Catholic church did not believe you were gay if you were celibate, so in a way, at least they're acknowledging that gayness isn't just what you do but who you are. Queen Victoria outlawed homosexuality, but she refused to believed that lesbians even existed, hence no law passed against them.

Hammer said...

Hey ABB!

I just ahd this conversation this past weekend...

So here's the run down...
THe Roman Catholic Church wants people to respect God's will (which simply put...god's will says that men and women will have Free will...that's IT!).

Again, the hypocrisy emerges when you take into account th Papacy, etc. Why is it that the catholic church is making rules when the ONLY shoudl be that they choose to exercise their free will....
ugh!

Anyway! have a great Thanksgiving!

Hammer!

It's Me, Maven... said...

You should check out this article, assuming you haven't read about it yet:

"Pregnant - and fired!"
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/368121p-313173c.html

Anonymous said...

A-men!
umm, A-womyn?
oyshit - A-whatteva!

Shark-fu said...

That would be....A-Bitch:-)

Anonymous said...

LMAO shark-fu!! a very good sense of humor. well done

Anonymous said...

The church is gonna ban gays?

Will the last person out of the church please turn off the lights?