Sex and the church...

It’s Wednesday, chil’ren! But really, it’s Friday due to the holiday!

Fan-fucking-tabulous!

This bitch has been feeding on a bitch’s sister’s yummy chocolate chip cookies made with butter…real butter! Yumminess to the second power!

Sex and the Church...
It appears that a certain Catholic Church has hired a new P.R. agency! Shit…it’s like they are doing a re-launch of the brand! Clearly, someone has found a press release template that they really like and isn’t afraid to use it.

For the record…gay priests are banned. Once again, lesbian nuns have benefited from the Church’s tendency to forget and/or ignore women in the church. The best part of the press release was that it leaked information about a document that has yet to be formally presented! Very nice, Pontifical One! Leaking, spinning and positioning…and y’all said that da Vinci stuff was off the mark...

Okay, before all the gay priests who read a bitch’s blog freak out, allow me to calm your fears. If you have been able to…well…overcome your gayness for three years…not two…not four…three years, you can still be a priest. Since overcoming gayness is not defined in the leaked sample of the document that has not been presented but will be presented after several weeks of Pontifical spin, a bitch is unable to supply any tips on how gayness is overcome.

If you are a priest you are supposed to be celibate.

Shudder.

If you are celibate, you aren’t fucking…so this must all come down to who you lust after. But who the fuck can tell you who you are lusting after anyway? So, basically the church is telling gay priests to withhold their gayness…to lie or deny…but lying is a sin…so just stay the fuck away so the church doesn’t have to deal with you! Jesus!

Or maybe it could be that whole masturbation thing. But masturbation is murder...unless you have no seed to waste, so once again women are off the hook as long as they get off without lust, which isn't much fun. Gawd, my head hurts! And how would the church know who is whacking off to what, when and where? Unless those secret spy holes really exist in the monastery. Freaks!

But secret spy holes kinda turn a bitch on…anyway, moving on…freaks! Spying on wanna-be priests whacking off has got to be a sin! Confess.

Well, since lust is wrong and masturbation is murder one would assume that a serious wanna-be gay priest would not participate in either. Which means that the standard for gauging whether a priest is a gay priest would have to be based on his inability to control his…well…natural human reaction to his fellow man.

And shame on you, oh Pontifical One, for looking at your fellow priest's groin areas! SHAME!

It dawns on me that perhaps this doctrine is flawed because the P.R. folks writing it are sexual novices. Not having experienced the joy of freakitude, they are basically unable to anticipate the problems presented in their release...or would that be lack of release...shit, my ass means press release. A bitch thinks they should sample some delights and then re-write the leaked but not yet official document with some specifics on how to not be what you already are…or at least how not to act on it…which they would realize is impossible if they only indulged a bit in some lustitude. Fuck it…there’s got to be tons of sex going on there or sex wouldn’t be such a hot topic…freaks!

All of this is getting a bitch a wee bit hot…which would be a sin…except a bitch isn’t Catholic, but rather a member of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!

As a founding bitch within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks, my ass is going to issue my own press release on all things sexual!

ABB’s doctrine of all things sexual within the faithful…

As we are all made in the Devine One’s image…all are welcome in the church!

That was easy, wasn’t it?

Go forth, get your freak on and spread the gospel…