Last night I was so hoping for good television, which for me includes the proper mix off illicit sex and violent serial killers. But noooo! It was another 24-hour dead Pontiff festival. Even Bono got in on the action by waxing on and on about how cool the Pope was for wearing his tired assed sunglasses. Not being a Catholic or terribly religious, I decided to educate myself by viewing some films from the ABB filmographical library.

The Mission (2 Vodka Cocktails and several Cigs)
Bobby DeNiro and Jeremy Irons channel the spirit of God as Jesuits tramping around in South America trying to save noble natives from the greedy assed colonials. The Catholic Church comes off real bad in this film as they willingly turn a blind eye to the mass enslavement of native people in an effort to retain control (meaning money) over the rebellious colonial powers. The Jesuits come off real cool as they take up arms and defend the noble native people in a failed effort to keep The Mission from turning into a slave recruitment farm. Great music, beautiful scenery and Jeremy Irons plays some flute like thing in the forest.

Agnes of God (2 Vodka Cocktails and I matched Fonda Cig for Cig)
It doesn't get any better than this shit! Anne Bancroft goes toe to toe with the fantabulous Jane Fonda in this "real Catholics bleed from their palms" drama. Meg Tilly has great skin and milks a cow. Catholics come off as hard working hysterics who toil and pray and then the womens lock themselves in at night. The nunnery reminded me a wee bit of my freshman dorm complete with bitchy backstabbing bitches, cold assed snow covered windows and random sexual escapades that everyone denies in the morning. Anne is great and defiant, but she's unable to redeem the Church as everything goes to shit, Meg admits killing her baby and Jane forces her to spontaneously bleed. And what's with this bleeding shit, anyway? Freaky.

Elizabeth (Untold Vodka Cocktails and the rest of the fucking pack)
Sir John Gielgud as the Pope. What more can I say? These were some mean assed money hungry Catholics who conspired to kill Elizabeth 'cause she was going to take all their power away. My girl Cate Blanchett was denied an Oscar for this shit! Liz gets laid by her Boo, avoids getting poisoned by a dress, gets her hag on with what's his face who plays a cool Wiz-esque advisor, then she gets played by her man and sets about killing motherfuckers and cutting off all her hair. The final scene is an ode to drag with Liz in full makeup, a towering wig and one bad assed white jewel encrusted dress-like-thing! Am I drunk or is Elizabeth an undercover Sistah!?!

Angela's Ashes (3 glasses of water, 2 Sudafed, 3 Benadryl & 1 Claritin)
By now you've figured out that my ass is suffering from a bout of insomnia. At this point a bitch has to say Fuck It and dig in for the long hall. This movie is a true pisser. Why come home girl don't just tell her huuuusband NO, get off me motherfucker!! I don't want no more babies!! Angela is a breeding machine, her children are hungry and dirty and generally miserable. She's married to a complete loser - look up nightmare husband in the dictionary and you'll find his ass smiling back at you. Catholics come off as insane in this movie and not very family friendly, since they turn away this hungry mother and force her children to steal coal. Not the film to play during the membership drive, but this it is a 2-hour lesson in why we need birth control and family planning classes.

By now I'm buzzing and confused as hell as to why the media is jerking off the church when they seem to have a history of bad political policy, greed and family destruction. Not to mention the whole bleeding from the palms thing. I turn to CNN - it's Anderson Cooper!! Great hair. Ask the priest why they let those colonialists enslave the natives, Anderson! Ask him why come they keep those nuns locked up all day long? And what about the spontaneous palm bleeding? Fuck it, can one of you ass kissing motherfuckers bring up the whole legacy of rampant AIDS in Africa topic?

Shit.......A bitch is tired!

Lower volume. Sip water. Belch. Pass out.