Friday, April 22, 2005

By Request.....The Bitch War Recap.......

For those of you who missed the Bitch War battle royale (Oprah's 4/21/05 episode featuring Cojo's payback), here's the play-by-play ABB style.....

Preparation - To truly understand the subtle nature of Oprah's fighting style, you must take yourself into a Dangerous Liaison frame of mind. Think "cruelty" with a dash of "WAR!!".

It opened with a montage of Cojo doing his thing on the red carpet. Lots of celebrity fashion and perfectly white smiles. Cojo has built his career on hard work and the ability to break down celebrity style but still keep friends. He's living the American dream with multiple cars (love the 'cedes, honey) and a house in the hills. Sigh. We're happy for him and hoping to see more of him through his new gig on the Today Show, when......Da, Da, Dah!! A routine trip to the doctor results in a diagnosis of impending kidney failure (yesterdays reference to the fucked up liver was incorrect. My bad.).

We then see Cojo struggle to find meaning in his life as he contemplates dialysis and having to leave his job! But, wait.......! A kidney is found! Cojo's self-sacrificing friend offers up her kidney (personally, ABB's saving her extra for family and/or a generous cash reward) - so it's off to the hospital for surgery and blah, blah, blah.

Really, who cares? Get to the good shit! Get to the WAR!

On comes Cojo wearing a suit (WHAT?), perfect hair, immaculate brows (that BITCH!) and Lagerfeld Pink #2 with Chanel Berry liner. Whatever.....a bitch knows her lip-fashion, okay?!? Anyhoo, he sits with legs folded at a perfect angle.

Oprah "Okay, so I've got to ask you about this firing rumor. When my assistant (see overworked slave to media Diva who has learned to love the pain and work on less than four hours sleep) told me about this, my first reaction was to not believe it. (With noble high honor) I've learned not to believe everything I read in print, because I've been lied on too many times! So what's the truth?"

Cojo " Honey, it's true! (Gasp heard 'round the WORLD) I was fired. I was shocked! I had received flowers from Katie, Matt and Al with the expressed hope for my full recovery. I thought I had bonded well over my four fucking years at the Today Show. But, nooooooo! They're all a bunch of hyper-competitive BITCHES! I mean, really Oprah! I was booked for the Today Show first. Then I had surgery. I was laying on my bed in EXCRUCIATING PAIN less than three weeks after having a fucking kidney transplanted from my self-sacrificing friend and here's the producer (see evil minion of Katie sent to do the devil's work) calls and goes the fuck off on me."

ABB replay of producer conversation that resuted in sacking of Cojo.

Producer "Bitch! You have lost your fucking mind! I just spent four hours listening to Katie "I built this show back up from nothing after you fucked it up with Deborah Norville" Couric going off because she heard you booked Oprah first to talk about your kidney! What the fuck? Have you no loyalty?"

Cojo in a small feeble voice "What? Ummmm, I'm on a lot of meds right now? I don't understand? I'm booked to go on Today first......."

Producer totally ignoring Cojo "Well, if you think I'm going to let you fuck us over, you've got another thing coming! I don't care if your skinny ass is in recovery! And, yes, I told your mother to go fuck herself! Screening phone calls for your feeble ass! You are fired! Do you hear me, bitch? Fired! Don't show your sick ass up here either. We'll ship your shit UPS ground. Bitch!".

Back to Oprah.....

Oprah with shock and horror etched on her face (note - Katie was capable of this look three years ago, but Botox has taken the ability to look shocked from her entirely) "Cojo, I am disappointed! I am shocked! If I had known I would have told you NOT to show up on my show! This is just a show! It's not worth it!!"

.......the knife goes in slowly, piercing the flesh of Katie's withered back.....sinking in with the elegance of a sword coupled with the distinctive slow rising pain of a dull butter knife.......In New York, watching in a dark room madly sobbing and screaming at the television "I hope you die! I hope you die!", Katie moves on to her third pint of Ben & Jerry's after randomly slapping her daughter for moving in on the ice-cream.......

Return to Oprah.

Cojo, eager to finish off the kill but enjoying himself to the max "Oprah, you now I've always admired you! I wouldn't miss this opportunity to speak to a larger audience (see Today show sinking ratings) about organ donation! I've survived a kidney transplant! Bring it on! I can survive......(pause)......(delay for dramatic affect)....ANYTHING!"

.....the knife is in securely now and death is near......Katie, having beaten her children senseless, moves on to the bucket of fried chicken her minion has procured.....screaming madly at the television "I hate you! I hate you! Die! Die! Die!"....she collapses.....hearing the sound of breaking furniture, the medics move in and rescue the children.....Katie remains, hair spiked and littered with Cherry Garcia mixed with chicken fat, face bloated with tears, body splayed out and sickly distorted.......the medics turn to go, exchanging hard looks that say "I always preferred Jane Pauley to that evil assed bitch"....

Back at the Oprah Show....

Oprah "You look fantastic and everyone loves you. Fuck that 'ho! You are so getting a show on my network, Oxygen! Thank you for coming on and allowing me to publicly fillet Katie and the whole Today Show team while still appearing gracious and above it all!"

Cojo, with school girl smile "No, thank YOU Oprah, for being a decent person and human. I adore you and look forward to getting huge ratings on your network!"

......with a HUGE FART, Katie passes on into oblivion muttering "Live for Today!" "Live for Today!" "I've got a clean colon..........MOTHERFUCKERS, I've got a clean colon!".........

Oprah, later in her dressing room with Stedman massaging her corns "I always knew that I was meant to avenge my sex and dominate yours."

8 comments:

Tiger Lilly said...

You are fucking brilliant!!
Now I hate Katie, too.

Jeff said...

See, I'm actually glad I didn't see the show; I think that would have detracted from the full impact of your recap.

Besides, you know Katie Couric is a chupacabra, right?

http://skepdic.com/chupa.html

disgruntled said...

HELL NAH.....HELLLLLLLLLL NAH!!!!!

All aboard. Here is your one way ticket straight to hell.

If I didn't have my door closed, I would be fired too from laughing so hard....HELL NAH!!!!!!

BaltimoreLenore said...

Beautiful! [applause] Outstanding recap of the best bitch-slap to Katie so far.

This Guy said...

Thanks to my new Tivo I was able to catch a reairing of Oprah. And I caught Katie this morning for the first time in years. You are right- she has done horrible things to herself.

Your recap was better than the show. Love the bad press it brings Katie, but a little Steven goes a long way.

Jenna said...

Really, I don't know what kind of rock I was under but I did not hear about thsi Cojo/Katie thing. I think that Katie is one crazy cracked out bitch to think she is in any way near Oprah!

freespirit1 said...

To all previous comments, AMEN!!!
God don't like ugly (Katie) and ain't to fond of pretty, so Ms. KKKatie better watch her back, the bitch!

Kimberly said...

I love your site- brilliant writing!! I have been living out of the US for too long. will google cojo for more info.