Monday, April 18, 2005

And all this before my second cup of coffee.......

A bitch woke up before the alarm today. Shuffling to the kitchen, I quickly made a perfect cup of coffee with 1% milk and Splenda (calories, calories!), grabbed 2 Excedrin, popped 2 Sudafed and dropped two eye drops per eye to make that grit go away........

Then I settled down for some morning television.

Today Show Offerings
Michael Jackson's Accuser's Momma's Welfare Fraud
It seems that the Accuser's Momma claimed not to own shit even though she had just hustled over $100,000 from JCPenney in a bullshit lawsuit.

ABB observation - If everyone who committed welfare fraud in Los Angeles were excluded from testifying in a trial, the criminal justice system would go out of bit-ness. Fraud goes with Welfare like Flies go with Shit. Get over it, people! And someone tell Katie that if her ass goes one more shade lighter on the highlights her hair will dis-a-fucking-pear. Tacky 'ho. And what's with the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation button having outfit? Katie pleeeeeeease! A sistah doesn't need to be confronted with that shit in the morning! Made my eyes hurt.

Plastic Surgery Nightmare
Some Latina with an unfortunate dye job (think Elvira) went to some plastic surgeon who "Possessed all the things that would lead someone to think he's a doctor". Meaning his ass had some photo's of celebrities on the wall, nice couches and a green lab coat. It turns out that his brother was the doctor, but the dude went ahead and performed surgeries anyhoo. Children, this is Darwinian. If your ass is dumb enough to go to a plastic surgeon without checking his ass out to see if he is certified, you deserve the fucked up cottage cheese looking stomach you end up with! Shit, your ass is lucky to be alive!

ABB observation - One should look for a surgeon with the same care one takes in choosing shoes. You would never buy the first pair you liked, would you? So why is your dumb ass selecting a surgeon because he hired a decorator for his office and owns a green lab coat? Dumb lumpy stomach having 'ho!

Cruise from Hell
So, these people are on a cruise and it gets hit with a 7 story wave that floods the cabins and wrecks the boat.

ABB observation - Is this news? Why is your ass on a cruise anyway? After all those food poisonings, you won't see this Black Bitch on a cruise unless I get sentenced to one. And why are you looking shocked that a fucking boat got hit by a wave on the ocean? The wave belonged there; it was your tan seeking ass that was out of place! Stick to land or suffer the consequences! Crazy motherfuckers.

Moment of joy brought on by unfortunate media placement....
Why did a Royal Caribbean commercial come on immediately after the Cruise from Hell segment? Why? And why did that simple media placement fuck-up bring me so much joy? My ass literally snorted java!

ABB Thinking Fondly of Sunday Morning television Before Hitting the Shower to begin Monday......
On a serious note, ABB would like to express her sincere gratitude to Tom DeLay and all his Republican homeboys for providing one of the best Sunday morning corruption scandal stories since Halliburton's $100 per cheeseburger overcharge incident post non-competitive bid win!

Hey Tom!?! A Bitch needs a vacation! Hows about I rustle up some votes for your ass and you book the Congressional plan to Tahiti?

Fuck me, I love democracy in action!

I was able to enjoy your ritualized media beating from Meet the Press all the way into Wolf Blitzer. Thank you, Tom. Don't you dare change. This shit should satisfy the bitch in me well into the mid-term elections!

2 comments:

Tiger Lilly said...

1."tacky 'ho" , 2."Dumb lumpy stomach having 'ho!" , 3. "The wave belonged there; it was your tan seeking ass that was out of place! Stick to land or suffer the consequences! "

Hahahaha! I can't take it! I'm trying not to laugh out loud so my boss doesn't start looking over my shoulder!

disgruntled said...

cottage cheese looking stomach...
NUFF SAID...
i really dont have to read anymore
LMAO