Monday, April 11, 2005

Philosophicals

El Tigre
I'm happy for Tiger. He won his 4th Masters and it was all dramatic & tension ridden. He dedicated it to his father, who's sick. Being a twisted bitch, I was more interested in the appearance of his new wife. Tiger's wife is suspiciously pretty. You know what I mean. She's prettier than he would get if he were just your average large toothed big-eyed multi-racial dude at the bar. I mean, she's pretty enough to even overcome the painfully blond over-processed Nicole Brown Simpson hair! But Tiger is not all that cute. He's got a nice bod for a golfer, but those bubble eyes and huge teeth.......well.....it makes one wonder about the legitimacy of their relationship! Anyway, I watched the file footage of the couple walking into some awards show and was stunned by Mrs. Tigre's obvious boob implants. These were middle class fake boobs - you know where the doctor doesn't even try to make them look natural and the patient makes the "economy purchase" by going a size up from the recommended cup size......as if choosing fake boobs were just like shopping at Wal-Mart and a person would have to be crazy to pass up the economy size! Speaking of faux breasts.....

Silicone
Being a large chested woman, I have never understood why someone would want fake boobs. I'm serious. Real large boobs sag and they don't wait for your ass to hit 30 to start doing it either! Running hurts. Untucked shirts make motherfucker's ask you when the baby is due. I've always wanted to be a low C and shop for fashion bras rather than the industrial bolder holders I've been stuck with most of my life. Sigh......Now the FDA is considering bringing silicone breast implants back. These things ruptured internally oozing globs of destructive silicone into the patient's body cavity. Nasty! I'm vain as the next person, but surgical alterations should be.....well.... undetectable and safe?! Like getting your ears pierced. And I shouldn't know if you had a nose job. I should just notice that you've got a Liz Taylor nose! However, there is something Darwinian about it. Speaking of Darwin......

Panda Porn
The Panda's have successfully fucked. The freaks at the zoo apparently taped it. How can an Angry Black Bitch score some Panda Porn? Did these people ever wonder if the Panda's weren't fucking because 70 PhD's were watching and whispering? Talk about a mood killer! Congrats, my Pandiferic friends. May your Panda-child's life be filled with abundant bamboo and random incidents of public sex. Speaking of getting fucked in full view.....

DeLaying Gratification
Poor Tom DeLay. He's sooooo fucked! I must admit that I enjoyed watching him pull issues out of his Nixonian hat in a desperate attempt to distract the media from their feeding frenzy over his unethical behavior. I'll never forget Tom parading the "protection of life" issue around during the Schiavo case like a pimp on Broadway working his best Ho. Priceless! But the Dems need to time this shit perfectly. Don't feed upon him like a shark, rending flesh from his political limbs with such ferocity that the crowd actually begins to pity the victim. Let's take this fucker down slowly...... so that he feels every inch of that knife sliding ......slowly.......painfully......into his corrupt-assed unethical back.

Ahhhh! It's enough to make a bitch smile and mean it......

2 comments:

This Guy said...

As per your usual, this post was well worth the morning I had to suffer through to get to it. But again, you have made a song stick in my head- "Industrial Boulder Holder"? Great, now I'm stuck singing Bette Midler. And I HATE HATE HATE HATE her!

Tiger Lilly said...

**Chuckle** I was thinking the same about Tiger's wife. She was just an au pair or something so she hit the motherload.