Eyes gritty from a weekend of Spring-cleaning and debauchery, I woke up this morning bitter about the time change (who thought of this evil shit?) and generally tired as hell. Prepared coffee. Fixed the perfect cup. Flip to NBC and OOOOOOOHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! It's back!
Return of the Killer Katie Monster
Run for your lives children, Katie is back from vacation!!!! And, let me tell you she's saved up two weeks full of giggly ass kissing banter just for you! Shall we begin?
Her face is still unable to form emotional expressions, she's fried her hair in a sad attempt to generate highlights and she all but jumped Jack Welch (former boss) during her interview this morning.
Katie is one microdermabrasion treatment away from achieving that overly shiny texture less resurfaced kinda skin that I associate with 97 year old Manhattan socialites and Joan Rivers (yeah, yeah, yeah - what's the difference?). I watched in fascinated horror as Katie attempted to show happiness or furrow her brow in serious contemplation all to no avail. Shocked and saddened, I turned my face away in horror only to be drawn back to the screen just to make sure my eyes didn't deceive me! And that's when I noticed.......
A good friend of mine who is a hair dresser/hair artist/Aveda goddess told me that she heard from a friend in NYC who used to work with this girl who was friends with this other girl who she went to beauty school with who's former roommate used to be an Assistant at The Today Show, that Katie colors her own hair! So, it must be true!! This all came up because I asked her for her professional opinion of Katie's highlights. See, sometimes Katie's hair looks.....well.....nappy? Yes, nappy is the only proper word to describe it. Basically, her shit looks like she needs a re-touch (non-Sistahs please reference "Relaxer" under Black Hair Care) and I have always been convinced that her need to be blond (as if I didn't know her when she was a bobbed off Brunette with no upper lip, right?!?) has resulted in the systematic frying of her hair. This was confirmed by the friend of a friend of a friend, with the added bonus info. that Katie has done that shit to herself! Un....be..lievable! I should have know that no one would risk their license on that bitches tresses......... But, does she have no friends? Someone needs to intervene and save her before it starts to break off! Stop......rewind.......Katie shedding her hair might just be a fun summer viewing experience! With an evil smirk at the thought of Katie's shedding hairline and resulting weave I tune in for.......
Miss Thang to Welch "Before we discuss your self important book, which we are discussing only because you've got our show by the balls due to your massive percent of stock ownership at G.E., please share your thoughts on the Pope and why he was such a great leader? As you know, NBC has been wall-to-wall "Pontiff Death Watch" and we plan to ride this media pony well into next weekend. Jack, please add your insincere platitudes to the pile we're steadily building!
Welch to Katie "God, you are annoying. Yeah, what the fuck, the Pope was cool and he held his shit down even through that sex abuse shit and the rampant spread of AIDS in Africa, which resulted from his outdated policy on contraception. So, okay he was a good leader because he shut down the critics even after he lost the power of speech." "Jesus, can I get a real question already???" "Do you have any fucking idea how early it is, you vampiric bitch?"
Miss Thang to Tyrannical former CEO "Tell me about your book which was ghost written by your much younger wife who's ass I plan to kiss tomorrow in an interview I resent having to do because she's.....well.....your wife is young and smart and got to you before I could catch you in my tangled web of giggly insecure man-hungry......sorry, I don't know what got into me..... Oh, yes the book which adds nothing to the dialogue on leadership in business but which we are discussing because you've got our network by the balls."
Jack "Basically, we pieced this bullshit together from a bunch of info. we picked up while touring the country earning too much money for rambling speeches that I never took the time to prepare for but charged $175 a ticket for because I'm a money hungry greed-whore otherwise known as a CEO."
Miss Thang in textbook ass-kissing mode "Jack, you are so great. Would you like another slow pitch question or have I kissed that ass enough? Did I mention that you.....are.....GREAT!!??
Angry Black Bitch at 8am this morning with sick devious smile and bloodshot eyes.........Finish second cup of coffee, question the justice of daylight savings time again and thank the blogger gods for Katie, The Today Show, Pontifical deathwatches and ratings whores in general!