Thursday, April 21, 2005

Behold, the Bitch War cometh.......!

I learned at a very young age that there are certain people you do not fuck with. Powerful, connected, friend having, well dressed fashionistah Queens are at the top of that list. Along with 7 foot tall drag Queens fixing their make-up in the only mirror in the only bathroom in the club at 3am (Lesson - learn to hold your pee! LEARN!). But I digress.....thank the television gods that Katie Couric doesn't have an ounce of common sense! I am so excited I can hardly STAND it!!

Background - Steven Cojocuru was a regular on the Today Show, dishing about the stars and their clothes. He had to have a transplant to save his life (DRAMA) and Katie made a HUGE fuss about caring and shit. A liver is found and transplanted in the fabulous Cojo just in time to save his ass. Cojo recovers. Oprah calls. Cojo says yes to an interview (hello! Are you crazy? Of course he said yes!). Cojo does interview. Katie fumes because she's convinced herself that she and Oprah are rivals (as if?!?). Katie pitches a fit. Producer fires Cojo. Cojo vents to the press. Katie looks like the selfish evil bitch she is. Ratings slump. Producer gets fired for having no control over Katie. Oprah calls. Cojo says yes (Hello? Turn down the opportunity to fuck Katie over on National t.v.? I THINK NOT!).

So, tonight this bitch gets to settle in for an old fashioned bitch session featuring Oprah chatting it up with Steven Cojocuru.

This is devine!

The pre-interview commercials are fan-fucking-tastic, too. And they aired during the Today Show this morning! Can it get any better?

Yes....it can!!

Oprah to Cojo "They fired you WHERE?" mouth open and perfectly lashed eyes wide with shock and horror.....

Cojo, not saying anything because this is a commmercial and it's all about building up the dramatic anticipation, keeps his face stern and fixes a look of extreme disappointment onto his perfectly foundationed and Lagerfeld Pink #2 lipsticked face. Perfect!

Oprah to Cojo "I was SHOCKED when I found out what happened to you after my show....."

Cojo, ever the show stopper, looks down (notice the perfection in the lash application), then up and to the left (child, you know you're not going to cry and FUCK UP that makeup!), then down again (perfect lashes resting softly against his check)!

Katie, your ass is in TROUBLE!!! Ohhh, girl you are in for some SHIT today (snort)!

And I intend to savor every single devine morsel of this perfectly timed execution of a televised BITCH slap from a true media Diva (Oprah) to the wanna-be who had the audacity to think she was even in the same league and should have taken that "booking loss" on the chin, 'cause now girlfriend is gonna hurt yo' ass!

Oh!

Oh, oh my GOD!

Jesus, the wait is killing me! I simply must distract myself. I know.......event plannning!

ABB's Plan to Maximize the Joy of the Battle of the Bitches (brought to her through the magic of TiVo)

(1) Wal-atin (Walgreens brand of Claritin), 2 Sudafed, (1) bottle of cheap-assed Champagne, strawberries and low fat whipped cream (calories, calories!).

Put dogs out to pee and throw them both unnecessary Milk Bones to shut their asses up. Turn off cell phone. ABB will be wearing 15 year old flannel, socks, no bra (PLEASE!) and a tiny little bitchy smile created through the brilliant marketing of Oprah and a deep rooted hatred of Katie Couric.

Enjoy, my darlings! This bitch certainly plans to Live For Today this evening.......

6 comments:

Tiger Lilly said...

WONDERFUL!! I don't even know what time Oprah comes on anymore, but I wanna see this. Girl, I was thinking about you this morning when Katie was giving this grieving mother the whole "Our hearts go out to you" speil. Wretch!!

Crystal-Lynn said...

I'm watching it now. It's so worth it. Had to post and let you know that I'M WATCHING IT NOW. I'll make sure the Tivo's recording it. You know I learned how to work it. You trust me, ABB. You know you do.

disgruntled said...

When you get paid as much as Oprah does, you can't do anything but point and laugh at the little people. Katie is the little people...

I laugh because I don't like that B I T C H

Tiger Lilly said...

I missed it. Give me details!!

Clipgirl said...

I TIVOed it yesterday and am so looking forward to watching it tonight. I really hope that so much pressure gets put on her that Katie has to address the issue that is her bitchiness. Maybe Matt could do an interview with her about why she is such a two-faced do gooder.

Shania aka Clipgirl
www.clipgirl.blogspot.com

freespirit1 said...

I can't stand Katie's fake ass!! I love Cojo. I missed it, but hopefully I'll catch the rerun.