And a bitch thought quitting smoking was hard...

I began a bitchcott of the Today Show this morning. I attempted to watch GMA, but they’ve latched onto the multiple baby story and I just can’t take all that birth footage. So, I cruised on over to CNN.

Do y’all remember when CNN used to cover news? They used to be on top of the news with those fantastic 30-minute updates that actually updated a bitch on a story. I’m unsure when the change happened, but now they tend to superficially cover a story then engage in lackluster debates that are really just two pundits shouting at each other while reading through their talking points. Where’s Ted Turner’s crazy Bison loving ass when you need him?

So, there I was left to my own thoughts and an amazing cup of coffee thanks to the magic of Splenda.

As Soledad read off the morning news…
Why does Soledad O’Brian have to be so uptight? She’s not that much older than me, yet she comes across like she needs to take a shit. You know what I mean, that overly correct posture and tight lipped faced that generally indicates that a person is holding in a gas or desperate to shit. Let’s all hope she introduces fiber to her diet, because life is too short to live it as a self-righteous tight assed priss.

As a car outside honked over and over again…
When did the Ghetto Doorbell get invented? To whom do we credit this marvel of technology? Every morning some ass is outside honking for the slow assed bitch next door that is never ready even though this motherfucker is there precisely at 7:20am every single God-awful day. Is it too much for him to go and knock on the door? Can’t he call ahead and make sure a bitch is waiting for him? I know his ass has a cell phone; why doesn’t he use it? Sigh. One of these days I’m going to loose control, fling open the door and throw a bowl of Raisin Bran on that lazy multi-honking son of a bitch.

As CNN revealed that the President is giving a speech tonight…
Why does he have to sound so dumb? Can’t they work on that? I mean, I lived in Texas for over 8 years and people don’t sound like that there. Not even West Texas! Why does he have to deliver sentences like he’s taking a sobriety test? Words shouldn’t be a challenge! He’s won a second term and it’s time to shed the bullshit average man façade and go ahead and be the preppy elite Andover/Yale/Harvard B. school grad that he really is. This current delivery is painful to hear. It’s worse if you watch too! With his eyes all narrowed and those red-rimmed nostrils flaring. Jesus! The President looks like a ‘80’s cokehead! And he sounds like a drunk! Fuck it. Sober him up and put some powder on his face, because I simply can’t listening to him verbally wade through mud and still not make an ounce of sense while looking like warmed over shit.

This bitchcott was an interesting exercise, but I kinda miss watching those Today Show kids. I’ll give it another try tomorrow with Animal Planet as a substitute!