Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Meanwhile on Planet Earth...

Last night C-Money and this bitch got our speculation on about the missile launch satellite shoot down event spectacular scheduled for tonight.

C-Money is sticking with her theory that the debris will land in South St. Louis city. She has no evidence to back that shit up, but with our luck…’nuff said. I’m betting that our blowing up of that spy satellite triggers a mid-air satellite explosion event spectacular arms race between America, Russia and China.

What?

Oh c’mon, it'll be like Sputnik 2.0!

The Navy is scheduled to launch this thang over the Pacific Ocean tonight 10:30 p.m. EST and there had better be live video of that motherfucker exploding since it’s our $60 million they’re spending to shoot that shit out of the sky.

Mercy.

Meanwhile on Planet Earth…

Scooter B. is in Africa fielding questions from leaders about the mission of the Defense Department’s Africa Command (Africom? Lawd!). Several African countries have expressed concern over America’s Africa Command and there are rumors that it is a front so that the United States can set up military bases in order to protect our oil interests.

The United States claims that the creation of Africa Command was merely a consolidation of operations none of which have Africa as their primary focus.

Pause…consider…wince.

Fuck a duck, that spin made my Afro hurt!

The President of Ghana, John Kufuor, raised the issue during a meeting with Scooter B. at Osu Castle.

Scooter B., ever the embarrassment of our nation when traveling abroad, responded during a news conference in Kufuor.

“I know there's rumors in Ghana `All Bush is coming to do is try to convince you to put a big military base here’. That's baloney. As they say in Texas, that's bull."

Sigh.

Scooter B. then added…"The whole purpose of Africom is to help African leaders deal with African problems."

So sayeth the fuck up that keeps on fucking.

Blink.

14 comments:

Capsicum said...

I usually lurk silently, but your comments on the spy satellite. I work in the satellite industry, and it's pretty obvious to me that that thing needs to come down in a controlled way. All satellites are designed to fail gracefully and to come to earth at the end of their lifetimes in a controlled re-entry. This satellite, however, failed immediately upon launch, and the computer that should be controlling its descent is dead. (I could say something derogatory here about the state of the aerospace industry and quality control during production of $200 million dollar spacecraft, but I'll leave it for now).

And trust me, the fuel in that thing is not something you want to hit anywhere that's populated. Nasty stuff, hydrothorazine.

Really the most likely failure scenario here is that all our expensive anti-missile crap will miss the mark entirely.

Shark-fu said...

Yay! An expert! Thanks so much for that information.

How many of those things are up in space anyway?

Dave Coulter said...

On a lighter note I hope this "satellactic-shoot-out" doesn't mess up tonight's lunar eclipse!

girl6 said...

"Africom" ???!!!

That reeks of Haliburton-based poo.

*sighs wearily, messages temples with fingertips*

Will it ever fucking end?

megamoose said...

Latest word is that the Navy will NOT be shooting the satellite down tonight due to rough seas in the North Pacific (anti satellite rocket to be launched from a ship.) What is interesting is the original time for the "big knock down." 7:30 pm Pacific time-the same moment as the full lunar eclipse. No coincidence? Heh. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me-I think Woody Allen said it.

Dusty said...

I believe our Decider and his minions are giddy as hell about being able to use our missile system on something..you know..to see if the damn thing actually works?

Buddha knows our Fed Govt has spent millions, if not billions of our hard-earned tax dollars on systems that never work..or fail to work properly more times than not.

But I do love your take on the whole Satellite issue Shark Fu..and your comments on the Dipshit-in-Chief's Africa tour. ;)

Yankee, Transferred said...

BWAHH HAAAHAAA! You said, "Fuck a duck, that spin made my Afro hurt!" and I spit my coffee all over my monitor!

Capsicum said...

How many? Good question. There are around 9000 objects in low earth orbit being tracked by NASA. Not all of those are satellites: some are broken pieces of dead satellites, bits of Space Shuttle, etc. And of course, no one without a clearance knows how many are satellites vs. space junk since LEO satellites are all either commissioned by universities for research or by a military (US, China, Russia, Japan are the biggest players) I'd guess at least 2-3,000 of those "objects" are satellites. Then there are a couple hundred telecom satellites in GEO orbit.

Most of the satellites have triple- and quadruple-backup computer systems in case something fails. Usually, a satellite will stay in orbit until it burns through nearly all its fuel, and then launch itself into earth descent, generally into the pacific or indian oceans, with the very last bit of fuel.

I'm sure the Decider is beyond thrilled that he gets to play with the multi-billion dollar missile defense toys, but I don't think the engineers directing the mission are quite as happy about it. That shit isn't tested properly, and there's no guarantee it'll work. In fact, if I were the gambling kind, I'd be betting that the missiles fail miserably and we end up with an uncontrolled descent/crash anyway.

Anonymous said...

Damn, Shark-Fu, you goin' ole school with 'Fuck a Duck'. Anyhoo, all this shit about shootin' down shit in space at 60 mil a pop bothers the hell out of me. Over the 40 some odd years of shit being sent up there, NASA always claimed that the shit would "burn" up whenever the shit got old or broken as it fell through the atmosphere on its fall back to earth. I'm suspicious of this shit because, if NASA has this technology that can shoot shit out of space at will, does it raise questions about those several shuttles that somehow blew up and where deemed "accidents" in years past? Just wonderin'.
dandy

Shark-fu said...

Capsicum...

Lawd, have mercy! A bitch needs to pay more attention to Science Fridays on NPR.

I guess I'm wondering how many satellites may suffer quadruple systems failures.

Shudder.

And what the hell happens to that defense toy if it misses? It has to land too, right?

Lawd, have mercy.

***logs off to work on bunker***

karmicdragonfly said...

Regarding your sigh - I just made a similar rant about Bush's speaking skills in my journal -- why does he say things like "that's baloney" and "that's bull" when he's visiting a foreign nation??? Can't he be more formal? It's embarrassing.

As for the satellite, I just hope that showing off is the only reason for shooting it down...otherwise, what exactly is so special about this satellite that we shoot it down when we let all the previous ones just fall where they may?

GDAEman said...

Oh yea. I forgot.

Like this isn't a Star Wars missle test. Do they think we're STUUpid or something?

James said...

nawww, that ain't what AFRICOM is about. Remember Ethiopia & Somalia? ;-) Now *that's* what's called "helping African leaders solve African problems"...yee-haw! more wars by proxy! perfect when you don't understand the situation on the ground!

p.s. -- whee! first comment, although I'm a long-time reader

Sean Robertson said...

I don't really doubt they needed to take out this satellite in a way that destroyed the Hydrazine tank (that is some NASTY shit, folks!). However, what makes this especially interesting is the timing relative to China's recent anti-satellite missile test. I think someone in the administration said, "Well isn't this just the perfect opportunity to show the Chinese we've already had this ability without seeming too belligerent?"