Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Depression and the modern bitch...

A bitch is having one of those super busy days!

2 cups coffee with Splenda and yummy yum 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

First, to a certain AngryBrownButch…go ahead with your bad self! This bitch is very aware that bitchitude is universal and that my ass isn’t the only angry bitch out there. Go forth and blog!

A bitch knows that yesterday's post was a wee bit dark, but shit my ass is feeling dark.

Depression and the modern bitch…
A bitch is moody as well as bitchy. My ass has lievd through and with depression in its various forms for years. This bitch suffers from insomnia, headaches, bitchitude and all manner of depression-linked illnesses.

Depression is normal for a bitch and comes from the overwhelming nature of things and my inability to fix it all. There are people in my life who have more complex forms of depression…this bitch knows that my version is the low that comes with the high and the optimistic expectation of the high.

When a bitch was a wee one, my ass used to sit for hours and meditate about world peace, a cure for cancer and general goodness. A bitch really felt that my ass could will everything to be all right, everyone to be happy and the world to realize that we all need to work together. The more everything in my life spiraled out of control the harder my ass meditated and tried to force order through the power of my thoughts.

As my ass entered my teens reality set in…a bitch can’t fix it all and make it all perfect. And so, a bitch hit a low and just kept sinking lower.

My grades didn’t suffer and my school activities were not neglected. But a bitch didn't want to move, bathe...breathe. Doing the basics was more of a habit and, if no one were around to cast judgement, my ass would simply sit and be in silence...for hours.

A bitch was the only thing to go untended during my spiral into the dark.

My ass has written before about becoming visible and whole. For me, that took place in college after my ass sank into that cool dark place where you simply can’t give a shit and just don’t care. A bitch isn’t going to get into the particulars…those are for me and mine and perhaps for another post at another time. Suffice it to say, my visibility…my authentic bitchitude…came out as my ass slowly pulled myself, naked and exhausted, from the blank comfort that is my depression.

Now, a bitch has learned to embrace my anger, my humor, my highs and my lows. My ass knows what the darkness feels like and a bitch knows how to avoid sinking in too deep.

These are trying times and being fucking mad about it is normal and, in many ways, beneficial. Behind my anger there is a strong thread of sadness and mourning for everyday that passes with this nation and world wounded and infected.

And yes, there is even humor in the midst of all that is fucked up and gloomy.

This bitch got up this morning, drank my coffee, went through my morning ritual and came to work. Over a decade ago, it would have been a monumental achievement for my ass to drag myself to the shower and face the world again.

This is me, whole and aware…human and emotional.

The sun is shining in Missouri…leaves are changing and the morning air is crisp.

Yeah...a bitch ain't down for the count!

It’s going to be just fine…

Blessing and hugs to all!

9 comments:

aggiegrrrl said...

Yes, it is a beautiful day in Dallas, as well, and I wish many blessings and good thoughts to you.

You and the Cranky Prof brighten my day and make me think.

And I thank you both.

Maryscott OConnor said...

I think I'll just say, "Ditto," and leave it at that.

Thanks, ABB

Chris said...

My grandmother told me life was filled with peaks and valleys and to "persevere". Well, that hasn't always been easy, but at least it gets me to focus on taking action. And in the action I somehow find "relief" and a release from a nebulous cloud of depression that could otherwise swallow me whole. I look forward to your posts every day. Chris

Hammer said...

Hey ABB;

Awesome posts (as always). I was jsut wondering if you were having a problem with Georgy's math re: the bird flu.

As a vaccinologist/immunologist, I find this shit pretty interesting....20 million Americans will get the vaccine/tami flu (there are over 600 million Americans, ok), and we need to spend 7 BILLION dollars? That's over 3500$/person getting treated. Not to mention the fact that 20 million Americans (all of which will be military) does not even provide a remote possibility of generating HERD IMMUNITY (the idea that vaccinating a population within a community will provide all members of the community with immunity...having 'driven the virus out of the population.')

So, needless to say, I'm annoyed.

Also, NO ONE is talking about the UN CH7 resolution...this answers the questions about the current adminsitration's goal in Iraq.

I'm getting ready to stroke out. ayudame...por favor!

Dios mio!

Che

CrankyProf said...

Oh, ABB, I adore and admire you. Loud and proud and unafraid to bring the Bitch, and be honest about the shit hitting the fan -- personal or political.

Katherine said...

I found you via Broadsheet and oh am I glad I did . . . I am a reformed granolahead and am still on shaky Bitch legs. I'm gonna keep coming back so that I can watch how A Bitch does it with style, how her ass does it with humor and acceptance and damn fine writing . . .

It's Me, Maven... said...

I feel ya... you know that. Hang-10, hold on for dear might. Ride that emotional tidal wave... I'm waxin' up my surfboard for ya. :: sigh :: I'm with ya.

jack (aka angrybrownbutch) said...

Just so you know - I have gone forth and blogged! Check it out, if you care to. And thanks for your blessing!

Saimon Taylor said...

You can leave everything as is, but you should always fight