Friday, November 18, 2005

Attack of the white girl sassy bob...

A bitch is so glad it’s the weekend!

My ass was going to post about the fucked up budget cuts that just passed the House of Representatives last night…Medicaid, Food Stamps and Financial Aid…but my blood pressure keeps spiking and this bitch may stroke out!

Fuckers.

So, a bitch is going to leave that for the weekend.

Moving forward…

Thanks for the gravy recipe! A bitch hates making gravy. There’s so much pressure involved and everyone has serious opinions on what is good and what is nasty! Shit. Anyway, a bitch will give it try!

A bitch has been thinking about black people’s hair today…
A bitch relaxed my hair for years. For all of you unfamiliar with black hair care products…a relaxer is a chemical process that straightens the ‘fro. This bitch, being raised by a black mother of a certain age, had my hair straightened as soon as my ass could walk. It used to be straightened with a hot comb…iron comb heated on the stove then run through my hair. Yeah, lots of fucking fun! At the age of 12 a bitch had my first relaxer.

My last relaxer was two weeks before my ass moved back home from Dallas.

If you relax…relax. If you don’t…don’t. A bitch could give a shit. Just don’t stand in front of my ass at the soul food restaurant and flip your relaxed shit at me! You’re lucky a bitch doesn’t snatch it off your head!

Shit, if a bitch wanted a white girl sassy bob my ass would still have a white girl sassy bob! This ‘fro ain’t a mistake, motherfucker! NOTE: A white girl sassy bob was the ideal when a bitch was in high school.

Now…a bitch understands that some people prefer to straighten their hair. Fine…whatever…go with Gawd. This bitch doesn’t give a shit. Just understand that my natural Afro is not an aggressive political statement against your shit.

Back off with that bullshit!

Whew!

Obviously, a bitch had an incident at Sweetie Pie's today. This bitch got in line to purchase some smothered pork. The woman in front of me had a full head of super relaxed so it didn’t have a single wave in it hair.

Now, why did Miz Thang turn around and look this bitch up and down then flip her hair…twice! What the fuck?

Get this…she then kept running her hand through her hair…which has always freaked me out. This bitch has this thing about people touching their hair constantly then wanting to shake hands…like my ass knows everything a bitch needs to know about your hair. Anyway, she’s flipping and tossing like this is a porn shoot not a soul food joint!

Ugh!

What the fuck?

This bitch walked back to the office thinking…just wear your shit and be happy, heifer.

…’cause you know my ass is happy as a motherfucker with my AFRO!

Anyhoo...Happy Friday!

19 comments:

Cheetarah1980 said...

wow!! we are in here >< on this one. I love my fro, and I can't stand when people look at me like I must've accidentally left my hair nappy. It's like they can't possibly fathom that I wouldn't want to alter what's naturally mine. I got so annoyed I even blogged about it once. It's over on my page in the July or August archive. Yeah I know that was just a shameless plug for my spot, but I just figured, heck, why not share since it's a common experience. Anyways, I'm sure your fro is lovely! Say it loud, I'm nappy and proud!!

monkey said...

my step mom has been relaxin' the shit out of her hair for years. i came across a pic of her in the late 60's with an afro. i grinned, and told her she looked beautiful.
her response was to purse her lips, and raise her eyebrows up until i thought they'd become one with her hair line. then she muttered, "baby, don't even".
that was that.
at least she doesn't touch her hair every two seconds. it's just a weird compulsion.

Qivan said...

I like Oprah's hair this year, but is that natural or is that relaxed light? But she looks better than she ever has. What is soul food, I mean I've heard of it, but no idea what exactly it is? Gravy is hard to make, I've never gotten it right.

Yram said...

so...why don't you let your hair do whatever? go for it. what is up with taming the stuff! white america getting under your scalp? fuck 'em.

Clay said...

i think im loving this blog!!!! especially the title - be sure to check out mine!

Sangroncito said...

Happy Friday to you! And we love your fro, too!

DerekB said...

Have a GREAT weekend!! I love reading your blog and I think you should have snatched that mop off that heifer's head!!

Poppy Buxom said...

Being a very pale-skinned white woman of a certain age, I have to chime in here and say that I am FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of being told I look like a ghost, need some self-tanner, need to get some sun, etc., etc., etc.

Oh, and then there's this whole "You can't wear pantyhose; that's soooooo out, so instead you have to self-tan or spray FUCKING LEG MAKEUP all over yourself (not to mention your bathroom) and go out bare-legged even when you're wearing a skirt suit and closed-toe pumps.

Fuck. That. Shit.

If I get to enjoy my naturally-straight so-called "good hair," can I please also enjoy my God-given skin color?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?

I'm fair-skinned, people. I don't tan; I burn, peel and freckle. It's the way I am. Deal with it.

Shit. People need to liberate themselves, you know? No way the self-tanning/leg makeup/bronzer industry is going to push ME around.

p.s. ABB, I love your blog!

Pfirsch said...

You know what I hate? How some women offer to put in a relaxer for me! Did I ask you? I don't think so. If I want to dye my hair blue and put a jheri curl in it, it's mine and I'll do what I want with it. What was that woman trying to prove by flipping her hair at you? That she paid for her hairdo and you didn't? Trifling assed shit.

I must admit though, I'm a compulsive hair toucher. It drives my mama crazy. If I ever meet a bitch, I will try to keep it under control.

Kim said...

ABB...when I was five one of my father's customers had the most amazing afro. I thought she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. And her daughter had the coolest twists. About 4 or 5 of them with the colored balled pony tail holders on the ends. I coveted their hair.
I was depressed beyond reason when my mother informed me that my hair would not hold the twists. However, my mom did rock the afro for awhile. One of my favorite pictures of my mom is- a skinny red-haired lady in a maroon corduroy pant suit, wearing the most kick ass boots evah, rocking her permed ass hair. She's beautiful.

ABB-rock your hair. The next time some wench flips her store bought hair at you, pat yo' shit down and rock on. While she's getting her weave tightened you'll be changing the world.

dmfinny said...

My household is a dual-style one -- the wife rocks the bone straight 'do, while I have waist length locks. She grooms my hair, and I pay for hers. Your story is hilarious. I would've pretended to sneeze close to her, so she could wonder if I left her some DNA.

It's Me, Maven... said...

If I could get away with it, I'd put my hair in locks. White, super straight, baby fine hair sucks horse ass. I spend most of the time with it tied up in a top knot because regardless of what kind of product I put in my hair or what rollers I use, or what I do, an hour after I do it, it'll flop out on me and go limp.

When I was in Jamaica, I had cornrows for all of four hours. I had them taken out as I was afraid my hair would fall out, as well as my scalp screaming in pain.

It doesn't matter really does it? If we have curly, we want straight; and if straight we want curly.

There's a gal at work who used to wear the most fabulous wigs and one day nshe decided no more, and now she's wearing a short cropped fro, and I am so envious. She looks wonderful.

czysxycoly said...

ABB - rock your style. But remember for every straight hair chick flipping her hair at you...I have the natural sisters checking me out, wondering if I am black enough.

Being black amongst ourselves just isn't easy.

So, be who your are and F*&(&(* um. :)

Susan D. said...

Growing up, as a white girl with baby fine hair, I was always jealous of my black classmates for all the fantabulous things they could do with their hair. They could grow it out big! They could twist it! They could cornrow it! And get this - when they braided it, it would STAY BRAIDED, even with nothing tying off the ends! Never having had enough hair to eve braid, much less tie off, this totally blew my mind. I still think that natural black hair is so far superior (and so much more fun) than my own that I just don't get why so many black women straighten it. Lucky you!

Mr. Brian said...

Natural is beautiful so, you go, ABB! My melatto niece is the cutest little thing, but I think my brother's white genes turned her "fro" into "frizz" but her mama tames it just enough to be naturally beautiful.

And thank you for this post on "natural" beauty. We should all be thankful with what we've got, accentuating it to look more natural and beautiful. But then again, envy can sometimes be a good thing because it sort of "helps along" the multiculturalism ideal.

disgruntled said...

Should've given it a yank and told her to CUT IT OUT!

SmartBlkWoman said...

I love the fact that slowly but surely more and more black women are starting to love their hair for what it is. God did not make a mistake when he made black peoples hair!! Too many black people in the 60's thought that their hair was just a fashion statement and did understand it politically or in any other sense.

I had been perming my hair for so long that when I finally stopped and started transitioning it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bitch,
I feel your folicle journalism but this is my first time reading your blog and I feel like you did a madlib on yourself and replaced anything that could be of your likeness with the word bitch. It's just difficult to take your spirit seriously when you consider yourself a mere bitch.
peace love light and Change

sa'rah said...

to anonymous there...you so missed the whole point. to the bitch...this here is love.