Another week means another sin saturated attack on traditional marriage by a traditionally married self-proclaimed protector of traditional marriage!
Well of course a bitch is horrified!
Governor Sanford from South Carolina wasn’t just walking the earth…um, err the Appalachian Trail.
No, no, no…he needed something more “exotic” which we now know translates to mean Governor Sanford needed to fly to Argentina and have some unsanctified man-on-woman alone time with a woman who is not his sanctified and oh so very legal wife.
A brief aside - let’s call this shit what it is. Adultery. A bitch is really tired of the phrase “extramarital affair”. Something about that language fails to convey the enormity of this affront to traditional values! Since everyone and their hairdresser knows that man-on-woman marriage is a crucial…critical… beyond important component to the foundation of all things social in America...
…and chil’ren simply must…absolutely must…and you’d best just forget any examples that disprove that they MUST…be reared in man-on-woman-married-before-Gawd-and-thus-honored-by-the-state-with-tons-of-rights-and-better-than-folks-who-aren’t family units…
…people need to be made to see Governor Sanford’s expedition to Argentina for the aggressive attack on traditional marriages and Gawd fearing society in South Carolina that it is!
Pause…sip ice water…continue.
Mmmhmmm, you heard a bitch right.
Governor Sanford didn’t just step out on his wife.
He has declared war on the marriages of every married South Carolinian…their chil’ren…their chil’ren’s current crushes…the dawgs and cats that also benefit from that strong traditional values household…and the neighbors and family and friends who now must take up spiritual arms against the fearsome weapon of adultery Sanford so wickedly conjured up with his acts of adulterous freaktitude!
Blink.
Anyhoo, this bitch is confused…troubled…disturbed to see reports that seem to show South Carolinians more concerned over whether Sanford used tax dollars to satisfy his desires in Argentina.
Have y’all lost your fecking minds?!?
Given how important other people’s marriages are, how can all y’all even think about forgiveness?
Aren’t South Carolinians afraid?
Don’t married South Carolinians realize that they should be at this very moment rushing to the nearest Bible loving church and dropping to their knees so they can receive some anointing as protection?!?
Lawd, have mercy…wake up people!
Why just last week I pondered the possibility that dinosaurs may roam the earth once more and eat wee little chil’ren for breakfast while dawgs and cats get married every Thursday and rivers reverse course and people spontaneously turn into pillars of salt after Senator Ensign leapt from grace!
And now here’s another politician…the now former head of the Republican Governors blah, blah, blah no less…come a’cryin’.
Meanwhile this bitch still doesn’t understand how the fuck this fucking happened?
I thought South Carolina was protected from adultery because same-sex marriage equality has been prevented from entering that state’s borders. ‘Tis so very very confusing then that Governor Sanford was able to achieve lust for someone other than his wife.
Unless...
GASP!
Could it be that the success of an opposite marriage is actually about the commitment of the two people who are married and not about other people’s commitments to other people?
***clutch Afro***
Maybe that’s why divorce still happens in Missouri even though one man and one woman marriage has been “protected” here since 2004.
***begin to fix mussed Afro***
Well, fuck a duck.
That would mean that folks like Governor Sanford and his wife should have been spending time working on their own union instead of working to prevent other people from uniting…
…and it also means that Focus on the Family should have sent out some Wanna Protect Marriage? Focus on Your Fucking Family! action alerts to the faithful instead of constantly rustling up hate and promoting ig’nance.
***blink followed by blink followed by another pat on the Afro***
But that would have been too much like right…
…kind of like Governor Sanford telling the damn truth from jump would have been too much like right.
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10 comments:
(May Sondheim forgive me...)
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone:
Adultery tonight!
Not so appealing,
Pretty appalling,
“Next up on TMZ”
Adultery tonight!
Straying governors, sneaking senators
Bring on the liars and the philand’rers!
Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow,
Adultery tonight!
Something convulsive,
Something repulsive,
Something for everyone:
Adultery tonight!
South Carolina
To Argentina,
At the end of a long hike
Adultery tonight!
Election workers? 5th Avenue Hookers?
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!
This shit’s not normal!
Apologies formal
Long recitations to recite;
Open up the curtain:
Adultery Tonight!
The Governor’s erratic,
The Senator’s dramatic,
It’s like a 6-car wreck:
Adultery tonight!
Frenzy and frolic,
Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone:
Adultery tonight!
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everybody:
Comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy--
Something for everybawdy!
Adultery tonight!
And don't forget this is also a man who voted for three of the four articles of impeachment against Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky hullabaloo...
From an article on thinkprogress.org (http://thinkprogress.org/2009/06/24/sanford-affair/):
While serving as a U.S. congressman, Sanford was incredibly critical of his colleagues’ marital misdeeds, including the affairs of former congressman Bob Livingston and President Bill Clinton:
“The bottom line, though, is I am sure there will be a lot of legalistic explanations pointing out that the president lied under oath. His situation was not under oath. The bottom line, though, is he still lied. He lied under a different oath, and that is the oath to his wife. So it’s got to be taken very, very seriously.” [Sanford on Livingston, CNN, 12/18/98]
“We ought to ask questions…rather than circle the wagons for one of our tribe.” [Sanford on how the GOP reacts to affairs, New York Post, 12/20/98]
“I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally (to resign). I come from the business side. If you had a chairman or president in the business world facing these allegations, he’d be gone.” [Sanford on Clinton, The Post and Courier, 9/12/98]
“The issue of lying is probably the biggest harm, if you will, to the system of Democratic government, representatives government, because it undermines trust. And if you undermine trust in our system, you undermine everything.” [Sanford on Clinton, CNN, 2/16/99]
Sanford has also been an opponent of same-sex marriage, saying in 2004, “As Jenny and I are the parents of four little boys, we’ve always taught our kids that marriage was something between a man and a woman.” [The Post and Courier, 2/11/04]
I'm a South Carolinian... unwillingly, but here I am for now. And I don't really care much about the whole tax dollars thing (and I'm getting tired of the whole "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" trope -- we're not stoning the man, we're righteously indignant about his ethics). I'm actually not all that bothered, but that's probably because I thought the man was a horrible person long before he revealed he was a bad spouse on top of bad governor.
What really upsets me is that I was totally looking forward to being able to finally afford to hike the Appalachian Trail, and now this skeevy jerk has totally ruined it for me.
Anonymous...don't let that happen! He wasn't even there...if anything he's ruined Argentina for you (wink).
Go get your hike on!
You just know that a) they're going to somehow blame it on the wife and/or b) this will prove a platform for a "re-evaluation" of his priorities and a "renewal" of his marriage, so that now he's "a better person." Maybe, like Edwards' wife, she can now write a book? But after all their blather on how non-heterosexual unions are a threat to the sanctity of marriage, this kind of hypocrisy is just more sickening than your usual dose of adultery.
Focus on your fucking family!
Seriously. I agree with you, because I've been saying this for years, from the first time when I was a little girl and saw people protesting (in front of a clinic).
"Mama, why are those people making a fuss like that? Don't they have anything better to do?"
She said that some people have miserable lives, so they try to make other people's lives miserable, too.
I always want to ask these people, if they are so concerned about family values, why aren't they at home with their families? If they are concerned about what their children are absorbing from society, why not hang with the children and show them what you believe in? Because doing what you're doing, you're only teaching the kids that daddy likes to be on television more than he likes being at home.
First..thank you Rileysdtr for that twisted Sondheim tune..spot on woman and very funny. ;)
Second..I love you and your take on this Shark Fu..actually I pretty much love all your posts, but this one is wonderful..did your Afro survive dear heart? ;p
"Wanna Protect Marriage? Focus on Your Fucking Family! " Brilliant. Someone make this into a bumpersticker.
Margaret, I love your mom.
Shark Fu, I love you for this: "Wanna Protect Marriage? Focus on Your Fucking Family!" And I love the whole concept of the post, that marriages are undermined, nay, imperiled, by acts such as these. Excellent.
You said it! Amen! This guy is a poster child for hypocrisy.
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