Sporting a smug smirk, Scooter B. stood before a joint session of Congress and addressed the nation. Once again, and blessedly for the last time, a bitch offers a sorta-translation of a few low lights...
"Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We faced hard decisions about peace and war, rising competition in the world economy, and the health and welfare of our citizens."
Translation - I am The Decider but feel free to continue to amuse yourselves by voicing disagreement which I will mentally veto until I'm outta this no horse town.
"All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people's business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains our charge to keep."
Translation - Well, I should say your charge to try to keep since I'm The Decider and that doesn't leave a lot of room for the bitness of the people.
"In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great. As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history. We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens."
Translation - Unless that collective wisdom fails to meet with my approval or the approval of my minions or the narrow assed base whom we actually serve.
"The people's trust in their government is undermined by congressional earmarks, special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate. committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So, this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto. And tomorrow I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress."
"If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote."
Translation - Only The Decider (that's me...snort) and my minions are allowed to meet in secret and decide the people's business. But y'all need to get transparent, stat while me and mine get busy feasting on the pork of our previous majority."To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options."
Translation - Unless those patients are women or those doctors decide to do something the narrow assed base I pandered into a two term presidency is morally opposed to.
"So I propose ending the bias in the tax code against those who do not get their health insurance through their employer. This one reform would put private coverage within reach for millions, and I call on the Congress to pass it this year. Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create association health plans for small businesses, promote health information technology and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits. With all these steps, we will ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor's office, not in the halls of Congress."
Translation - To clarify, those decisions should actually be made by the 5-4 Supremes or the voices in my head. DAMN THESE VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!
"Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results. Last year, 4th and 8th graders achieved the highest math scores on record. Reading scores are on the rise. African-American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs."
Translation - So you see, by making it harder for educators to educate and then evaluating test results through what I like to call Intelligent Math/Science Redesign Fubarity 2.0 everything works out to be a faith-based success!
Around this time my Afro started to hurt but Scooter B. went on to demand more shit of Congress...big up his surge...toss a convention/summit at New Orleans...demand peace in the "Holy Land"...renew his demand for immigration reform...and fuck up the word nuclear for old time's sake.
Then he said...
"And so long as we continue to trust the people, our nation will prosper, our liberty will be secure and the state of our union will remain strong. So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. God bless America."
Tax breaks for the rich cut in stone reference -3
No Child Left Behind best thing since tax breaks for the rich - 5
Surge great, political progress be damned - 10
Big brother is a good thing - 50
Mention of unstimulating stimulus plan - 5
Use of the word nuclear - 5
Remembering that New Orleans and the Gulf exist +50
Critical mention of Pakistan (note - lack of China or Russia) I'll give that +17
We have a total of -11 points proving once and for all that Greed - Decency = Fubar (G - D = F2).