Tuesday, January 29, 2008

G - D = F2...

Last night Scooter B. gave his final State of the Union address. Our long national nightmare is almost over and hopefully the nation will recover.

Sporting a smug smirk, Scooter B. stood before a joint session of Congress and addressed the nation. Once again, and blessedly for the last time, a bitch offers a sorta-translation of a few low lights...

"Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We faced hard decisions about peace and war, rising competition in the world economy, and the health and welfare of our citizens."

Translation - I am The Decider but feel free to continue to amuse yourselves by voicing disagreement which I will mentally veto until I'm outta this no horse town.

"All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people's business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains our charge to keep."

Translation - Well, I should say your charge to try to keep since I'm The Decider and that doesn't leave a lot of room for the bitness of the people.

"In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great. As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history. We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens."

Translation - Unless that collective wisdom fails to meet with my approval or the approval of my minions or the narrow assed base whom we actually serve.

"The people's trust in their government is undermined by congressional earmarks, special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate. committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So, this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto. And tomorrow I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress."

"If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote."

Translation - Only The Decider (that's me...snort) and my minions are allowed to meet in secret and decide the people's business. But y'all need to get transparent, stat while me and mine get busy feasting on the pork of our previous majority.

"To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options."

Translation - Unless those patients are women or those doctors decide to do something the narrow assed base I pandered into a two term presidency is morally opposed to.

"So I propose ending the bias in the tax code against those who do not get their health insurance through their employer. This one reform would put private coverage within reach for millions, and I call on the Congress to pass it this year. Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create association health plans for small businesses, promote health information technology and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits. With all these steps, we will ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor's office, not in the halls of Congress."

Translation - To clarify, those decisions should actually be made by the 5-4 Supremes or the voices in my head. DAMN THESE VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!

"Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results. Last year, 4th and 8th graders achieved the highest math scores on record. Reading scores are on the rise. African-American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs."

Translation - So you see, by making it harder for educators to educate and then evaluating test results through what I like to call Intelligent Math/Science Redesign Fubarity 2.0 everything works out to be a faith-based success!

Around this time my Afro started to hurt but Scooter B. went on to demand more shit of Congress...big up his surge...toss a convention/summit at New Orleans...demand peace in the "Holy Land"...renew his demand for immigration reform...and fuck up the word nuclear for old time's sake.

Then he said...

"And so long as we continue to trust the people, our nation will prosper, our liberty will be secure and the state of our union will remain strong. So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. God bless America."

Yeah.


If only.

Final Score...
Tax breaks for the rich cut in stone reference -3
No Child Left Behind best thing since tax breaks for the rich - 5
Surge great, political progress be damned - 10
Big brother is a good thing - 50
Mention of unstimulating stimulus plan - 5
Use of the word nuclear - 5
Remembering that New Orleans and the Gulf exist +50
Critical mention of Pakistan (note - lack of China or Russia) I'll give that +17

We have a total of -11 points proving once and for all that Greed - Decency = Fubar (G - D = F2).

Mission accomplished.

15 comments:

GoGo said...

What about that part where we citizens are suppose to improve the economy...I believe the words were jump start the economy, by spending money in our economy. Apparently we citizens have been spending our money else where or saving too damn much of it. He failed to neglect that even if we spend in our communities, most of it is outsourced anyway.


Oh and the bloated programs to be cut...I'm assuming he wasn't talking about the War in Iraq or the 720 mil we spend daily to fund it.

I am really enjoying your blog! Thanks.

~GoGo

Leota2 said...

ABB-
While you were counting--I was childishly throwing crumpled up paper at the screen everytime W lied, said something stupid,
sneered, smirked or out and out was an idiot.
I am wearing an elbow ace bandage this morning.
I shoulda counted . . . .

QQ said...

Lucky for me I changed to John and Kate plus Eight before he started spewing that crap(QQ loves the kids). Sounds to me like he just stood there and pointed at congress... *yawn*

Anonymous said...

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz........

How Boring!

Where are all of the Trolls that make your blog ineresting when you need one?

Shark-fu said...

GoGo - thanks and welcome!

Leota2 - Nice. Try ice, m'dear!

QQ - I know. I almost fell asleep myself!

Anon - Hmmm, let's see. Did you try looking over at Townhall? Most of my trolls simply adore it over there. Oh, or maybe Ann Coulter's online home?!? If the knaves you crave aren't there I've probably converted them.

Mercy.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Suggestion!!!

Townhall has lots of knowlegeable people. As per Ann Coulter, I think I'm in Love!!!

SUMYNONA

Shark-fu said...

I do and I do...

And Ann's in need of a mate so good luck with that and keep us posted!

Rounder said...

Anon/Sumy, good luck with Ann Coulter. I think it's great that you're open minded enough to date a tranny.

Shark-fu, I thought the speech went pretty well considering that President Mushmouth isn't so good with big words. I would have died laughing if he did that little laugh he does after he said "Stimulus Package."

Sotu aside, was anyone else creeped out by the fact that Bob Dole is still holding a pen?

Maya's Granny said...

"Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined"

And the most horrible test of all was his presidency. Nothing has been worse for our country or has cost us as much. Heaven only knows when we will recover from him.

Campbell said...

Well just make sure who y'all vote for this time. :-)

TheHolyFatman said...

ABB---Long time reader--Love your site.

I have to commend you for paying attention! Mister Fatman and I were too busy drinking beers and laughing sarcastically.

Brilliant translations, thought. Simply brilliant.

The Part-Time Professor said...

I am not writing to give you a comment but to ask you to give me one. I am writing you for your opinion on a event that took place here in Toronto, Canada yesterday. To quote a local paper, “Toronto District School Board trustees approved creating the province's first publicly funded Africentric school”. Our school system has a dropout rate for black students of 40% and to counteract this problem, it was proposed that the school board start a black only school in the downtown core. As an old hippy that fought for equal rights back in the 60’s and has lived by that creed throughout my lifetime I am torn between disgust and approval. I approve of any action taken that will help any child of any color to gain an education but I am disgusted that it may be possible that it will take segregation to do it. As someone who has worked closely with children over the years, I am wondering what you think of this proposal. If you do not wish to discuss this in your blog, I am hoping you will give me your opinions directly at mitchell274@eol.ca. Thanks for your time. Mitchell

Shark-fu said...

Rounder ... no need to insult transgender folks. Ann is something altogether different - it's like she started out human but then was seduced by the Dark Side and is now rotting from within.

Mitchell - let me think about it.

the fruitfemme said...

Great post! I am thrilled I could skip the speech and just come here for the run down. Whew! Much better and I didn't even need my anti-anxiety meds. Thanks for the public service. the ff

Drunkbunny said...

LOVE your translations :)