Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Fubar...

Can a bitch predict a score or what? Lawd, Scooter came sooo close to hitting my estimated 50 point total…a bitch arrived at 45 points. And if you got a different score you weren’t tossing back vodka crans like my ass was (wink)…

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 3 Excedrin (Lawd, a bitch should have drank a glass of water pre-sleep), 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Jumping in with a sick sort of joy…

The pre-game spectacle…
A bitch chose CNN for the 2006 State of the Union viewage. Wolfie B. and Paula 'if you can’t tell I’m a conservative you’re not paying attention' Zhan were giddy as teenagers heading out to Prom…which explains their matching Anderson Cooper blue accent apparel (Wolfie B. stepped out with a tie and Paula chose a fashion blouse). Anderson, clearly not pleased to have his signature color pimped out in violation of his contractual ownership of Anderson Cooper blue, revolted with a slate colored shirt and…was that a crimson tie?

We’re all in mourning, Anderson, but bless you for dressing the part.

Anyhoo…the pre-game was better than the actual speech. There was excitement, drama, bitchiness and several multi-angle shots of a certain decorated canine who mysteriously failed to appear during the actual speech! Cute dawg, by the way...very WWII (wink).

Wolfie B. broke the news that Cindy Sheehan was arrested in the Capitol building. Gasp! Paula, no longer trying to hid her long held dream of a position at FOX, literally smirked. You should have seen it…that heifer got glassy eyed, a bitch thinks there was drool, and sorta-smiled. Several anchors then launched in to a bizarre and very non-journalistic critique of Ms. Sheehan and her pattern of arrests. Whatever…it was fantastically defiant and harkened back to the days when people actually threw down in the Capitol building (that’s why you can’t bring crutches etc in there…someone once got popped in the scull….excellent).

The CNN camera folks did a great job of capturing all manner of shit. Tom DeLay looking satanic and sporting what has to be the worst dye job in D.C., Kay Bailey Hutchinson looking every inch the conservative gender-balance minion that she is and sporting what has to be the most desperate call by a head of hair for a root touch up since Madonna in the Lucky Star video…

Oh look, there’s Mrs. Alito and she’s clearly please as punch to be hanging with the spouses! In a flash a bitch was reminded of Angela Lansbury’s character in The Manchurian Candidate…and we all know she could turn on the emotions when it was politically beneficial. And Sam the Man…honey looked like he was about the hurl…and all the political molestation he was getting made a bitch check the rating for this pre-game show. Seriously, there was more man-on-man love going on between Alito and the people he now has to please than a bitch catches on LOGO!

Creepiest pre-game moment…Condi, who either didn’t get the memo regarding Laura’s ownership of winter white or didn’t give a shit, was shaking hands with the Supreme Court justices. Note to my beloved Salon.com sister’s in bitchitude…she still hasn’t released that bowl movement…posture was rod up the spine straight like Scooter wishes Mary Cheney was straight. Okay, so Condi is done shaking the hands of the Supremes and turns away…Clarence Thomas of the 'oh my Gawd he’s a creepy assed freak Thomases' looked Miz Thang up and down…and he licked his lips! No shit! Motherfucker licked his lips like a pimp eyeing a prospective new...um...employee! Licked his lips like a hungry man about to eat a plate of ribs! Yeah…like that!

This bitch almost passed out!

By this time, a bitch had consumed several vodka crans, too many cigs to count and a plate of yumminess (not soul food, since a bitch is going to lunch Thursday and is trying to ration…but yumminess none the less).

Whew!

The State of the Union pre-game show then proceeded to wrap up with more man on woman corner of the mouth kissing than the Golden Globes red carpet fashion perp. walk. Smooches continued when Scooter entered the room…

“Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!”

And in came President Bush…otherwise known as Scooter...

Anonymouses who have been waiting like feinds for a bitch to post so that they can tell my ass how wrong a bitch is even though a bitch watched in a semi-sober state may actually want to read the speech can find it here. Then go with Gawd, you spin ready motherfuckers!

The speech...sort of...
He opened by mentioning the passing of Coretta Scott King…which was awkward for those of us familiar with her and her late husband’s dedication to social justice, the history of our government’s systematic taping of Dr. King’s phone conversation, the documented infiltration of all civil rights organizations by government operatives in order to create chaos and destroy the movement, the taping of meetings and organizing events, the arresting of Dr. King and thousands of others as they exercised their civil right to non-violent demonstration, the organized effort by our government to stop voter registration drives, the fact that “activist judges” were necessary to lift the chains of legal segregation and the fact that our government had to “make new law” to protect the black vote.

Scooter then moved on…into a bullshit laden defense of his administration’s prosecution of the Iraq War, the product of our democratization efforts in the Palestinian territories, our complete inability to address the nuclearization on Iran, our complete inability to address anything north of the heavily guarded parallel in Korea and our general lack of a defined ‘victory’ or clear exit strategy anywhere.

By the by, we the people should 'stay the course' and not 'take the isolationist route'.

Scooter defended his domestic spy program, which is now a domestic terrorist monitoring scheme. Blah blah blah...constitutional authority, other President’s have done it in times of war, we’re not going to let people attack us here again and the an open dialogue with Congress will only alert the criminals to our plan for…victory or something along those lines.

Note to the masses…if the President does it, then it’s not illegal with a dash of trust me, which was followed by several healthy portions of be very afraid. Missing from this was any clear example of the success of this program, any real call for an investigation into what actually is an illegal leak from his administration or an acknowledgment that no terrorist with an ounce of sense is going to discuss a crime over a cell phone so this program is basically bust.

The energy plan…ummm, well. This is so hard! Whew…my name is AngryBlackBitch and my ass is an addict. Yep, according to Scooter we all are. We are addicted to oil…and our former dealer is now proposing our treatment plan. Scooter called for ethanol research, hybrids, hydrogen, solar, wood chips, clean burning coal and nuclear power! Wow...it’s like he’s been born again green.

Note to suburban conservative S.U.V. drivers paying in blood at the pump…just say no!

There was no mention of jobs flooding overseas…but Scooter did admonish the American worker to get their re-education on!

Scooter did mention social security reform…in a 'take my plan or wither, motherfucker' kind of way.

He wants tax cuts to be permanent, there will be more slashing of social programs, if you want to get your sex you’d best get married, Aids/HIV funding will be tied to abstinence programs and Christ and the war will be a long….long…..long effort.

And seniors? What seniors? If you’re looking for a stable retirement you’d best start looking at your chil’ren’s extra bedroom!

By the time he was over, a bitch was bleary eyed…and not just from the copious amounts of vodka and food. A certain newly elected Governor from the great state of Virginia almost put this bitch to sleep…thank Gawd no one was watching! And then CNN launched into a post game spin that included an incoherent and slurred defense of all things Republican by J.C. Watts (see picture for visual, since this asshole hasn't been relevant for some time).

In summay...
This bitch inhaled tons of yumminess, drank...a lot...

The state of the union? Fubar.

22 comments:

thatfarmgirl said...

I expected nothing less. Feeling especially kindred since I'm visiting friends in Kansas City (almost Missouri)!

AOB said...

Fubar it is ... fubar it most certainly is....

Super coverage.....

Greetings from Seoul Korea!!!!

Karmie B said...

Can I just say that I am so afraid for this nation.
I mean, I feel such frustration and helplessness...like watching a child playing with a fork and an electrical socket while someone is sitting on you: you know the child is gonna kill themselves but the person on top of you won't let you up to save the child, they are actually looking on with an evil laugh.

~K

CRT Law Mama said...

ABB, my sista! I've been waiting for this all day!!!! Ok. So I cheated and set the DVR.. And then I printed out the transcripts- but of course haven't read them yet.. Shit, I dont have the time to be bothered with his ignorant ass, but at the same time, no one has the time to not be bothered.. I thank you for thoughtful insight. Oh and I know that Vodka and Dubya had you all tied up this week, but please check out that CRT site I put together. I am trying to get it to take off like your site. Oh yeah, and link a sista up, will ya?

Wishing I were in St. Louis to share a cig and a drink (hell, and an excedrin today too!)

Littlemilk said...

Thanks ABB,

I wanted to watch the speech with my moms, but we both fell asleep within the first 3 paragraphs of the thang.

After he payed tribute to Coretta Scott King, which was shocking to me, I slipped into sweet slumber. The yelling of the moderate Democratic Governor of Virginia woke me up. After that me an moms watched the P-Funk documentary on PBS.

Thanks for filling me.

fahren said...

I'm cancelling my email subscription to 'word a day'. I learn more over here.

Dixie said...

When Bush brought up the "Let's go green!" stuff I turned to my husband and said "It's just like the "Let's go to Mars!" bullshit but with different words." Just a bunch of fantasyland crap meant to make him look like some sort of fucking visionary.

Visionary my foot. Idiot couldn't find his ass if it had a bell on it.

Anonymous said...

I loved the picture at Republican Watch. Cheney and Hastert with red ties, and Bush in the middle with a blue one. Looks like they coordinated their ties! What a hoot!

http://repwatch.blogspot.com

Pony Storm's Ride said...

Your coverage of pre-game show on CNN is priceless! Paula Zahn is ALWAYS in denial. When CNN hired her she adamantly denied that her physical appearance had anything to do with it...And ever since,she has conducted interviews with her bare, sculpted legs flashing in the foreground.
If you have the time, and are so inclined, I'll bet you could apply a likewise devastating critique to the always ENDLESS Super Bowl Pre-Game Extravaganza.
And hats off to you for unabashedly endorsing cigs and edible no-no's! From out here in health-obsessed, enjoyment-intolerant California...

cats said...

well, i knew he'd say something about cs king. i didn't expect to watch, but then the kids went to bed early so i got a chance.

loved hillary's eye-roll and the dems standing ovation for bush's failed social security plan. it was actually entertaining.

but i've decided if i ever had to be at one of these things i'd want to go as a justice so that i don;t have to stand up every two seconds.

cygirl said...

"Kay Bailey Hutchinson looking every inch the conservative gender-balance minion that she is and sporting what has to be the most desperate call by a head of hair for a root touch up since Madonna in the Lucky Star video…"

- I bow down to you, ABB. Spit Diet Dr. Pepper all over my computer monitor at that one.

DG said...

Today, after reading Paul Krugman's recent editorial in the NYTimes , I wrote my fourth angry ass letter to the Today Show complaining about how much of a dumb ass I think Katie Couric is.

Then I googled "Katie Couric is a dumb ass" and found your blog.

You CRACK me up.

I plan to now read your blog regularly.

Your analysis of that cracker's State of Disunion was sublime. And the Coretta Scott King tribute profound.

You have another fan.

Susan D. said...

Thank you, ABB, thank you for saying all the things that this federal agency employee is not free to say.

I awaited your post on the state of the union address with bated breath, and as usual you did not disappoint. I just love your bitchitude!

Mr. Brian said...

My parents, who voted for the incompetent, now deeply regret it. They are as sure as the rest of us that Dumbya's Reaganomics of letting the oil companies and wireless communications gouge American pockets is worthy of punishment for the tyrannical maniac.

I think Hillary looks like a lovely choice and will certainly be advocating her election as the beginnings of a global economic and community resurrection.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I said it once in private, and I'll say it again here, ABB... a friend of mine is convinced that the speech writers wrote the SotU Address in phoenetics!!

Re: "The Going Green," talk about a bunch of hogwash. I betcha Scoots doesn't have windmills/windmachines in Crawford. The "Go Green" is for the "little people." I consider myself an Independent with Demo tendencies, but even Ted Kennedy had been pushing the harnessing of wind energy, and there had been studies to prove that a particular spot on Martha's Vineyard was the optimum spot for the wind machines' placement. Ol' Teddy balked at that, said it was an eyesore, and took up too much beach front.

Yeah yeah, "little people," "Go Green," just don't do it in my back yard.

Wouldn't surprise me though... and thinking out loud here...

The idea of switching us off petrol and onto an ethanol based fuel source has been bandied about since the 70s during the "Fuel Wars" of the 70s (to this day the smell of gas makes me ill, thanks to the countless hours I'd spend with my dad in the fuel lines on our "assigned days"), yet none of the Powers That WERE at the time thought enough of it to institute a real aggressive shift to ethanol based things.

Had the shift to ethanol and other grain/veg oil based fuels occurred in the 70s, perhaps we could have also abolished farm subsidies in the process, thus aiding the farmers, aiding the environment, and in the end, aiding the average American to improve his or her basic quality of life. And perhaps even put our economy on a more stable playing field.

What a novel idea, soybeans and corn no longer being plowed under (as it currently happens thanks to the subsidies), and be processed to put fuel in our tanks.

Perhaps the polar ice caps have a shot at not melting into oblivion?

It would not surprise me though...

If this shift WERE to occurr, only to find out that all of Scoot's oil cronies and buds then shifted their financial backing to the farms which would then produce the aforementioned soy, corn, or "switch grass".

The rich keep getting richer, whether we're talking about fossil fuels or grain based fuels...

I was sad to see that he did not invent as many new Bushisms in this speech. Fave word: Strategery...

birdnesthead said...

I loved the photo you included of the POTUS. It really captures his true person. By the way, I thought that was you at the Trivia gala on Saturday night! Those questions were really out there!

dmfinny said...

DISCO BEAT THUMPS IN BACKGROUND:

Everybody, bend, 2,3,4,
Grab your ankles, 2,3,4,
Kiss your ass goodbye, 2,3,4

Anonymous said...

Where is Oprah when you need her! It's time have scooter on her sofa to account for his lies!!

It's Me, Maven... said...

dmfinny! I believe the words to the tune are:

BOHICA!
BOHICA!

BEND OVER
HERE IT COMES...

BOHICA!
BOHICA!

AGAIN!

the nut said...

Hiya. Can't remember how I found you, but I did.

I love your satirical take on the speech. We were too lazy to get our asses off the chair and turn it off so I ended up listening to the whole thing, kinda sorta. Sometimes I just tuned him out.

I live in Virginia, the land of moderate Democratic Governor Tim Kaine. I've seen him in action often enough to know he was playing it cool and very very nervous while delivering his response. He's so much more engaging than was his opponent, Jerry Kilgore.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Saw this at Village Voice today and thought it fitting to share herein:

http://www.villagevoice.com/news/0606,cartoons,72041,9.html

Shawn said...

god, I wanted to reach through my tv screen and smack the mess out of JC Watts...he's a pure fool.

That pres. address was a mess...I was yelling and screaming at the entire 15 minutes I did watch.