Can a bitch predict a score or what? Lawd, Scooter came sooo close to hitting my estimated 50 point total…a bitch arrived at 45 points. And if you got a different score you weren’t tossing back vodka crans like my ass was (wink)…
2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 3 Excedrin (Lawd, a bitch should have drank a glass of water pre-sleep), 2 Sudafed and cigs…
Jumping in with a sick sort of joy…
The pre-game spectacle…
A bitch chose CNN for the 2006 State of the Union viewage. Wolfie B. and Paula 'if you can’t tell I’m a conservative you’re not paying attention' Zhan were giddy as teenagers heading out to Prom…which explains their matching Anderson Cooper blue accent apparel (Wolfie B. stepped out with a tie and Paula chose a fashion blouse). Anderson, clearly not pleased to have his signature color pimped out in violation of his contractual ownership of Anderson Cooper blue, revolted with a slate colored shirt and…was that a crimson tie?
We’re all in mourning, Anderson, but bless you for dressing the part.
Anyhoo…the pre-game was better than the actual speech. There was excitement, drama, bitchiness and several multi-angle shots of a certain decorated canine who mysteriously failed to appear during the actual speech! Cute dawg, by the way...very WWII (wink).
Wolfie B. broke the news that Cindy Sheehan was arrested in the Capitol building. Gasp! Paula, no longer trying to hid her long held dream of a position at FOX, literally smirked. You should have seen it…that heifer got glassy eyed, a bitch thinks there was drool, and sorta-smiled. Several anchors then launched in to a bizarre and very non-journalistic critique of Ms. Sheehan and her pattern of arrests. Whatever…it was fantastically defiant and harkened back to the days when people actually threw down in the Capitol building (that’s why you can’t bring crutches etc in there…someone once got popped in the scull….excellent).
The CNN camera folks did a great job of capturing all manner of shit. Tom DeLay looking satanic and sporting what has to be the worst dye job in D.C., Kay Bailey Hutchinson looking every inch the conservative gender-balance minion that she is and sporting what has to be the most desperate call by a head of hair for a root touch up since Madonna in the Lucky Star video…
Oh look, there’s Mrs. Alito and she’s clearly please as punch to be hanging with the spouses! In a flash a bitch was reminded of Angela Lansbury’s character in The Manchurian Candidate…and we all know she could turn on the emotions when it was politically beneficial. And Sam the Man…honey looked like he was about the hurl…and all the political molestation he was getting made a bitch check the rating for this pre-game show. Seriously, there was more man-on-man love going on between Alito and the people he now has to please than a bitch catches on LOGO!
Creepiest pre-game moment…Condi, who either didn’t get the memo regarding Laura’s ownership of winter white or didn’t give a shit, was shaking hands with the Supreme Court justices. Note to my beloved Salon.com sister’s in bitchitude…she still hasn’t released that bowl movement…posture was rod up the spine straight like Scooter wishes Mary Cheney was straight. Okay, so Condi is done shaking the hands of the Supremes and turns away…Clarence Thomas of the 'oh my Gawd he’s a creepy assed freak Thomases' looked Miz Thang up and down…and he licked his lips! No shit! Motherfucker licked his lips like a pimp eyeing a prospective new...um...employee! Licked his lips like a hungry man about to eat a plate of ribs! Yeah…like that!
This bitch almost passed out!
By this time, a bitch had consumed several vodka crans, too many cigs to count and a plate of yumminess (not soul food, since a bitch is going to lunch Thursday and is trying to ration…but yumminess none the less).
The State of the Union pre-game show then proceeded to wrap up with more man on woman corner of the mouth kissing than the Golden Globes red carpet fashion perp. walk. Smooches continued when Scooter entered the room…
“Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!”
And in came President Bush…otherwise known as Scooter...
Anonymouses who have been waiting like feinds for a bitch to post so that they can tell my ass how wrong a bitch is even though a bitch watched in a semi-sober state may actually want to read the speech can find it here. Then go with Gawd, you spin ready motherfuckers!
The speech...sort of...
He opened by mentioning the passing of Coretta Scott King…which was awkward for those of us familiar with her and her late husband’s dedication to social justice, the history of our government’s systematic taping of Dr. King’s phone conversation, the documented infiltration of all civil rights organizations by government operatives in order to create chaos and destroy the movement, the taping of meetings and organizing events, the arresting of Dr. King and thousands of others as they exercised their civil right to non-violent demonstration, the organized effort by our government to stop voter registration drives, the fact that “activist judges” were necessary to lift the chains of legal segregation and the fact that our government had to “make new law” to protect the black vote.
Scooter then moved on…into a bullshit laden defense of his administration’s prosecution of the Iraq War, the product of our democratization efforts in the Palestinian territories, our complete inability to address the nuclearization on Iran, our complete inability to address anything north of the heavily guarded parallel in Korea and our general lack of a defined ‘victory’ or clear exit strategy anywhere.
By the by, we the people should 'stay the course' and not 'take the isolationist route'.
Scooter defended his domestic spy program, which is now a domestic terrorist monitoring scheme. Blah blah blah...constitutional authority, other President’s have done it in times of war, we’re not going to let people attack us here again and the an open dialogue with Congress will only alert the criminals to our plan for…victory or something along those lines.
Note to the masses…if the President does it, then it’s not illegal with a dash of trust me, which was followed by several healthy portions of be very afraid. Missing from this was any clear example of the success of this program, any real call for an investigation into what actually is an illegal leak from his administration or an acknowledgment that no terrorist with an ounce of sense is going to discuss a crime over a cell phone so this program is basically bust.
The energy plan…ummm, well. This is so hard! Whew…my name is AngryBlackBitch and my ass is an addict. Yep, according to Scooter we all are. We are addicted to oil…and our former dealer is now proposing our treatment plan. Scooter called for ethanol research, hybrids, hydrogen, solar, wood chips, clean burning coal and nuclear power! Wow...it’s like he’s been born again green.
Note to suburban conservative S.U.V. drivers paying in blood at the pump…just say no!
There was no mention of jobs flooding overseas…but Scooter did admonish the American worker to get their re-education on!
Scooter did mention social security reform…in a 'take my plan or wither, motherfucker' kind of way.
He wants tax cuts to be permanent, there will be more slashing of social programs, if you want to get your sex you’d best get married, Aids/HIV funding will be tied to abstinence programs and Christ and the war will be a long….long…..long effort.
And seniors? What seniors? If you’re looking for a stable retirement you’d best start looking at your chil’ren’s extra bedroom!
By the time he was over, a bitch was bleary eyed…and not just from the copious amounts of vodka and food. A certain newly elected Governor from the great state of Virginia almost put this bitch to sleep…thank Gawd no one was watching! And then CNN launched into a post game spin that included an incoherent and slurred defense of all things Republican by J.C. Watts (see picture for visual, since this asshole hasn't been relevant for some time).
This bitch inhaled tons of yumminess, drank...a lot...
The state of the union? Fubar.