Scooter: I'm Here For You

In honor of a Bitch, I woke up extra early and got myself all ready to watch the Today show. Nothing can inspire a Bitch-inspired rant like a moment or two with Katie Colonic and Ann I-Need-A-Bra Curry.

Ready to go with my Diet Coke and a fresh pack of cigarettes, I sat there, stupefied for all of 17 minutes before I simply had to turn off the mother fucking television. President Scooter was on talking about conservation of energy, Hurricane Katrina in the only way he knows how – which is...well…badly.

Scooter’s very concerned about this oil crisis gripping the country – but he has a solution!

"We can all pitch in...” he said in that faux Hee-Haw accent, especially noting that it would be helpful to avoid “…a trip that's not essential."

Is that kind of like your month-long vacation in Crawford, Scoots?

I wish the President would just say what he means. We all know that sometimes what he says is often garbled and clumsy. Ya know, that degree from Yale can leave a person a little lacking in communicatory abilities.

I think Scooter misspoke (as usual) and here’s my take on what Scoots really meant to say:

My fellow Americans,

Great challenges and great burdens face this country.

Many of you know of what I speak.

You live in the suburbs. You’re business leaders. You drive fuel-appreciating, economic-stimulating Sports Utility Vehicles. And many of you own beach front mansions that were destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.

You face a difficult and arduous task in keeping yourself in the lifestyle to which you are accustomed. The burden of your birth cannot and will not be questioned in the light of such overwhelming devastation!

As you know, I am in favor of our Ownership Society. After all, we actually own most of it, don’t we? ***laugh*** And difficult, challenging days like today present moments where our God-given birthright of ownership is being frequently questioned.

Let me address your fears today, as we begin the process of rebuilding a damaged empire….I mean…great nation.

First, let me address the increased price of fuel that will no doubt impact your very lovely and stylish pocketbook that your wife, your mistress or your closeted gay lover picked out for you at Neiman Marcus.

I know that you know that I know how important it is for you to have a fuel-appreciating automobile like an SUV. As business leaders – you need to have a vehicle that represents you and your successful, affluent lifestyle.

After all, a vehicle that suggests economy and efficiency really doesn’t present the best image of you as a corporate leader now, does it?

And I know your wife, mistress and closeted gay lover needs an SUV as well. All those trips to the salon, the country club, the gym, ballet practice and so on necessitates a comfortable vehicle.

I am also concerned for your teenage children. Private school is not a kind and welcoming place for children in unattractive, outdated vehicles now, is it?

With this in mind, I am proposing an immediate suspension of any and all income tax for those of you who drive SUVs and for those of you who also own homes of 20,000+ square feet. You, more than anyone in America, will not be burdened by the hike in gasoline prices and the expected rise in heating oil. You are the owners of our society, after all.

Haven’t you already paid enough?

As a man who appreciates a good vacation – I understand that increases in fuel prices will dramatically affect your much-needed ski trip to Aspen. I understand why you should not feel encumbered when you want to jet off to some sunny locale before the chill of winter descends upon your estates. We’ll be looking into ways for you to be able to take the trip you need to take – and it won’t be by bus, either!

I know, as well as you, that maintaining and keeping multiple mansions as well as that attractive condo for your piece-on-the-side is an expensive proposition. Heating all of those homes will drastically affect your ability to entertain. We cannot have the cotillions, society functions and prestigious parties that are the backbone of American life affected by something like a storm!

I, myself, know the style of living to which you are accustomed and to which you are owed as business leaders. I know…and I’m here for you!

You see…I have not forgotten those of you who can not help the way you were born.

I know that even though you were born into positions of wealth, power and privilege – you need not be afraid that some rain and wind should impact your ability to lead the lives which God wanted you to lead.

My plan is simple:

People who drive smaller cars that use less fuel should pay more for it than those who are burdened by fuel-appreciating, business promoting, pro-growth, pro-progress vehicles like SUVs.

Those people live within the city limits and they don’t need to drive. They can take a bus, can’t they?

Let’s face facts, the Owners of our society frequently live on estates and properties that are inconveniently located very far away from our business centers.

Should you really be the one burdened by gasoline prices, when these selfish city-dwellers insist on driving when they could just walk?

The same goes for heating oil. Those people in smaller homes can bear the brunt of rising oil prices much easier than we can. After all, they live in 300 square feet apartments, so can it really be that expensive to heat, even if prices go up 75%?

I think they can bear the burden much easier than we can.

Multiple homes versus a one-room, seven-story walkup… I think we all know the answer who should have to “pay more” this winter. That’s right – them!

I also would like to alleviate any further questions about how we will rebuild this great country. The devastation left by Hurricane Katrina affords me and my administration the ability to award you – our concerned business leaders -- lucrative building contracts that will certainly offset any potential loss you may have this year from price hikes in gasoline, oil, or to pay off that blackmailing slut that you have on the side.

As I told you, I favor the Ownership Society...and I’m here for you.

Thank you and God Bless America!