Regular readers know that this bitch usually tries to provide a recap of Scooter’s addresses to the nation…
Vodka cran (heavy on the vodka followed by grape cran over ice), notepad and a fresh pack of cigs…
A bitch switched on NBC. Tim Russert was mouthing off about the monumental task ahead of Scooter. The scene switches over to Jackson Square, which has been cleaned up for the occasion. The only sound is the hum of the generators for the lights. A lone podium has been set up in the middle of the lawn.
Out of the darkness comes Scooter…dressed casually and walking with the determination of a toddler!
Jesus, he looks like shit! The minions must have kept him awake last night so he could pull his best Bill Clinton (Bubba always gave us a good puffy eyed haggard face in the midst of trauma)!
Hit pause.
A bitch kicked off my shoes and curled up. One sip of vodka grape cran and a puff on the cig…
Hit play and begin...
“Blah, blah, blah. Our fellow Americans are waiting for life and hope to return.”
MmmmHmmm. That’s nothing compared to the weeklong wait for law, order, sanitation, food and water to return...motherfucker. This bitch has been waiting for 5 fucking years for some fucking sanity to return! Jesus!
“Millions of lives were changed in a day by a cruel and wasteful storm.”
Glad to see that you finally noticed that shit…YOU LATE TO THE BALLGAME, STILL STRUGGLING TO CATCH UP, PATHETIC MOTHERFUCKER!
“Many of you are looking for meaning in a tragedy that seems so blind and random”
What? Asshole, people in the Gulf have feared this for decades! Catch up! When you get hit from behind by a baseball bat…that’s blind. When you see a motherfucker running towards you with a baseball bat…that’s pretty fucking vivid and clear. A bitch will give you random, but hold off on that blind shit.
“We have all witnessed the kind of desperation no citizen of this nation should ever know.”
All of us? We all witnessed it? Some of us witnessed it in real time, honey. Others had their minions burn a fucking DVD and caught that shit a few days later. FUCKER!
The rest of the information detailed in the speech will now be related in the form of a recipe…
Absolutely Useless Bullshit on Ice
5 Cups Franklin D. Roosevelt – Massive aid package, healthcare coverage, job training, federal land for homes program and a public works program.
2 Cups Truman with Reagan Preservative – Take responsibility…for the Federal involvement…which you didn’t know about…because you trusted the people around you…who made mistakes…while you were not in the room…and you can’t recall who/what/when/where…what was the question again?
1 Teaspoon Clinton – Profess a great understanding and concern for poverty. Note – in this small quantity Clinton does not have a huge impact on the overall mix.
2/3 Cup Pure Reagan – Announce incentives for entrepreneurship with the explanation that tax breaks for companies will create jobs. Note – Reagan is an artificial job stimulant and may have a bitter aftertaste commonly referred to as trickle down recession.
2 White, very white, amazingly white Eggs – Make sure that NBC flashes to two separate shelter shots to show evacuee (egg) reactions to your plan. Note – brown eggs are unpredictable and angry and may turn on your ass, which is why you want to use white eggs for public preparation.
1 Cup Vinegar – Promise a lot but present no plan to fund this shit.
10 Cups Bullshit (level off each cup) – Announce a congressional investigation to oversee the executive branch investigation, both of which are being led by the very motherfuckers who will benefit from a fruitless investigation into this mess!
Mix until smooth, pour over the entire country and bake for the next three years…until some brave and/or stupid fucker takes over in 2008 and actually tries to eat a portion of Absolute Bullshit on Ice…
Happy Friday!
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14 comments:
Hey ABB!
I noticed the shelter issue as well. You knew those people weren't going to speak up or anything on the air. Where were the black people? Was it a message of "white people are poor and homeless too" or a matter of 'rabble control' for the event? I would've enjoyed seeing an ABB on the air ready to lunge at scooter. Alas, Georgie's PR people know how to control a situation!
Did you see the larger man in tan after Bush was done...he rolled his eyes, gave a lip smack then began to talk!
That's what I PERSONALLY needed to see. Also, did his head look smaller this time around? He looked unusually weird to me. Like, perhaps his head had been transplanted onto someone else's body.
I think it may have been the fact that his shirt was pulled back (raising the collar and further minimizing his already truncated neck).
I'm glad you were annoyed too. Empty promises piss your puritan off.
Peace out!
I was so fucking lucky finding your blog. Although the subjects often are dead serious, I often find myself smiling and nodding my head. This is ABB, this is the real America.
And yes, you're right. I don't think I'll ever grow up. I'll just pretend so people think I'm worth a lot of money...
As usual, right on the money. Thanks.
Frankly, I'd rather eat a shit sandwich...
I couldn't even WATCH last night. I saw him, purposefully toddling across the lawn of my beloved St. Louis Cathedral, and got nauseous. Watched "VeggieTales" with my kids, instead.
He's just trying to skate through, keep things on an even keel until after the mid-term elections and then he'll shovel this whole thing onto the next poor bastard that sits in the White House.
As usual Scooter will go through the motions of making it look like things are going to happen and then he'll just walk off in that disinterested, vacant way for which he's famous.
thanks for the recap. i only saw snipets (he had to talk when it was the kids' bedtime)
he did look horrible!
is his head too big for his neck or is it me? hmmm... that's an interesting question.
what i did catch was that he was going to use money to reimburse churches for the money that they gave. anyone else catch that? or did i hear him wrong? now, i'm a church person (a pastor actually) and that just downright offends me if what i think he said he actually said.
churches don't give money to get it back, they do it because that's what we're supposed to do!
oh, this man gets to me!
how am i gonna get any work done here when i am glued to your blog? i laughed and laughed and then started thinking more about the --2 cups truman with reagan preservative--i reverted back to the days when i was a small monkey watching the iran contra affair unfolding. shit fire and save the matches, i was a mad little munchkin.
it's funny how quickly things come full circle. bush sr. was regans v.p. when the arms for hostages shit went down. now jr. is in the mix shitting his diaper over iran's nuclear capabilities. your daddy helped fund/cover up that shit, so stop crying.
but i digress.
you blog kills me in the very best way.
ABB, you need to run for president.
Once again you've written what I wish I could have, should have, but I haven't had a drink all week, maybe that's the problem...hmmm....I linked to this one as well. I'm getting the platonic girly crush thing happening...lol.
All this talent and you make cocktails too!
I got in a discussion with some folk around the question
"Is Condi Rice Black"?
What do you think?
A-fucking-men!
All I can add is, "DING DING DING!" and point upward toward the rest of the "comments" section and stammer, "YEAH! What THEY said!!"
I can't even WATCH that pitiful fuck on TV. Ever.
ABB,
Let me apologize for using your comment section to address one of the comments made concerning Condi Rice before hand. I mean no disrespect to you or your blog. Dave bones, Never, ever ask that stupid ass question again- Condi rice is black- she was born black and she will die black, you United kindom fuck. Condi was born and raised in Alabama, yes that's the deep south, for any of you euro weenies that seem to know so fuckin much about the world.You know the place where the real racists used to turn the dogs loose onto women and children, the place where the firehoses were used on a regular basis--but there was no fire. The same place where strange fruit hung from the trees. Condi grew up among all of that, and guess what dave bones, she was no safer than any other little black girl in the state of alabama. Being black is not a political affliation. Being black is not listening to a certain music, being black is not wearing fubu, ---being black is simply being black, motherfucker.
Once again I apologize Miss ABB.
great answer by the way. I posted it. hope you dont mind.
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