Friday, September 16, 2005

Absolute Bullshit on Ice...!

Regular readers know that this bitch usually tries to provide a recap of Scooter’s addresses to the nation…

Vodka cran (heavy on the vodka followed by grape cran over ice), notepad and a fresh pack of cigs…

A bitch switched on NBC. Tim Russert was mouthing off about the monumental task ahead of Scooter. The scene switches over to Jackson Square, which has been cleaned up for the occasion. The only sound is the hum of the generators for the lights. A lone podium has been set up in the middle of the lawn.

Out of the darkness comes Scooter…dressed casually and walking with the determination of a toddler!

Jesus, he looks like shit! The minions must have kept him awake last night so he could pull his best Bill Clinton (Bubba always gave us a good puffy eyed haggard face in the midst of trauma)!

Hit pause.

A bitch kicked off my shoes and curled up. One sip of vodka grape cran and a puff on the cig…

Hit play and begin...

“Blah, blah, blah. Our fellow Americans are waiting for life and hope to return.”

MmmmHmmm. That’s nothing compared to the weeklong wait for law, order, sanitation, food and water to return...motherfucker. This bitch has been waiting for 5 fucking years for some fucking sanity to return! Jesus!

“Millions of lives were changed in a day by a cruel and wasteful storm.”


Many of you are looking for meaning in a tragedy that seems so blind and random”

What? Asshole, people in the Gulf have feared this for decades! Catch up! When you get hit from behind by a baseball bat…that’s blind. When you see a motherfucker running towards you with a baseball bat…that’s pretty fucking vivid and clear. A bitch will give you random, but hold off on that blind shit.

“We have all witnessed the kind of desperation no citizen of this nation should ever know.”

All of us? We all witnessed it? Some of us witnessed it in real time, honey. Others had their minions burn a fucking DVD and caught that shit a few days later. FUCKER!

The rest of the information detailed in the speech will now be related in the form of a recipe…

Absolutely Useless Bullshit on Ice

5 Cups Franklin D. Roosevelt – Massive aid package, healthcare coverage, job training, federal land for homes program and a public works program.

2 Cups Truman with Reagan Preservative – Take responsibility…for the Federal involvement…which you didn’t know about…because you trusted the people around you…who made mistakes…while you were not in the room…and you can’t recall who/what/when/where…what was the question again?

1 Teaspoon Clinton – Profess a great understanding and concern for poverty. Note – in this small quantity Clinton does not have a huge impact on the overall mix.

2/3 Cup Pure Reagan – Announce incentives for entrepreneurship with the explanation that tax breaks for companies will create jobs. Note – Reagan is an artificial job stimulant and may have a bitter aftertaste commonly referred to as trickle down recession.

2 White, very white, amazingly white Eggs – Make sure that NBC flashes to two separate shelter shots to show evacuee (egg) reactions to your plan. Note – brown eggs are unpredictable and angry and may turn on your ass, which is why you want to use white eggs for public preparation.

1 Cup Vinegar – Promise a lot but present no plan to fund this shit.

10 Cups Bullshit (level off each cup) – Announce a congressional investigation to oversee the executive branch investigation, both of which are being led by the very motherfuckers who will benefit from a fruitless investigation into this mess!

Mix until smooth, pour over the entire country and bake for the next three years…until some brave and/or stupid fucker takes over in 2008 and actually tries to eat a portion of Absolute Bullshit on Ice…

Happy Friday!


Tiger Lilly said...

I'm screaming!!!

That one teaspoon of Clinton is dead on. After all is said and done, Bill knew how to relate to poor people which is why the poor liked him. This fool isn't capable of understanding that or even feigning interest. I've never seen so much over rehearsed bs in my life. The only people going along with this are his blind legions. I can't stand it!!

And to make matters worse, there are vultures waiting to rush in and snatch up the land, and jpush the poor out. Did you hear about the fool who said God cleansed New Orleans of its housing project problem??? You know what this is going to lead to. I have to tell my folks every day not to let go of their property. It is going to be too valuable. I know the make up of the city is going to change, but it should still look and feel like home, not some fuckin' Pottery Barn inspired waste land. This thing is going to be really sickeing to watch. I am terrified of what this place is going to look like after the feds "rebuild".

Hammer said...

Hey ABB!

I noticed the shelter issue as well. You knew those people weren't going to speak up or anything on the air. Where were the black people? Was it a message of "white people are poor and homeless too" or a matter of 'rabble control' for the event? I would've enjoyed seeing an ABB on the air ready to lunge at scooter. Alas, Georgie's PR people know how to control a situation!

Did you see the larger man in tan after Bush was done...he rolled his eyes, gave a lip smack then began to talk!

That's what I PERSONALLY needed to see. Also, did his head look smaller this time around? He looked unusually weird to me. Like, perhaps his head had been transplanted onto someone else's body.

I think it may have been the fact that his shirt was pulled back (raising the collar and further minimizing his already truncated neck).

I'm glad you were annoyed too. Empty promises piss your puritan off.

Peace out!

PissedOffPencil said...

I was so fucking lucky finding your blog. Although the subjects often are dead serious, I often find myself smiling and nodding my head. This is ABB, this is the real America.

And yes, you're right. I don't think I'll ever grow up. I'll just pretend so people think I'm worth a lot of money...

Sedie said...

As usual, right on the money. Thanks.

CrankyProf said...

Frankly, I'd rather eat a shit sandwich...

I couldn't even WATCH last night. I saw him, purposefully toddling across the lawn of my beloved St. Louis Cathedral, and got nauseous. Watched "VeggieTales" with my kids, instead.

Catherine Vocalist said...

Dead on, dead on. I watched the first five minutes yesterday but eventually ended up throwing a sandal at the TV.

worst. president. ever.

Dixie said...

He's just trying to skate through, keep things on an even keel until after the mid-term elections and then he'll shovel this whole thing onto the next poor bastard that sits in the White House.

As usual Scooter will go through the motions of making it look like things are going to happen and then he'll just walk off in that disinterested, vacant way for which he's famous.

cats said...

thanks for the recap. i only saw snipets (he had to talk when it was the kids' bedtime)

he did look horrible!

is his head too big for his neck or is it me? hmmm... that's an interesting question.

what i did catch was that he was going to use money to reimburse churches for the money that they gave. anyone else catch that? or did i hear him wrong? now, i'm a church person (a pastor actually) and that just downright offends me if what i think he said he actually said.

churches don't give money to get it back, they do it because that's what we're supposed to do!

oh, this man gets to me!

monkey said...

how am i gonna get any work done here when i am glued to your blog? i laughed and laughed and then started thinking more about the --2 cups truman with reagan preservative--i reverted back to the days when i was a small monkey watching the iran contra affair unfolding. shit fire and save the matches, i was a mad little munchkin.
it's funny how quickly things come full circle. bush sr. was regans v.p. when the arms for hostages shit went down. now jr. is in the mix shitting his diaper over iran's nuclear capabilities. your daddy helped fund/cover up that shit, so stop crying.
but i digress.
you blog kills me in the very best way.

sources4choice said...

Of course we already know the emperor has no clothes. Everytime he speaks it is another realization that something is really wrong in this country if this person can become king. Oh, I mean president. A woman I heard speak at a lecture said quite eloquently that "Everyone kept asking after the election, what's wrong with the black people who voted for Bush when they should have been asking what is wrong with the white people in this country who would overwhelmingly vote for this man". It has always been obvious that he is clueless, yet people believe him. He is a liar, yet people trust him. He has no qualifications for any job he has ever had, especially president, yet he was voted in.

It riles me up that someone who got into Yale and Harvard on his family name, doesn't believe in affirmative action or "preference or quotas" as Republicans like to call them.

My only consolation in all of this is that these hate mongers had to get on TV and talk about how they were going to help these black people. That must be annoying the hell out of them. This is probably the only time in his entire presidency that he is truly bummed. I mean he hates the poor and blacks and women and everyone else but yet he had to go on national television and eat crow. He must be steamed! I can see his lips all tight and veins popping in his head. This gives me a warm feeling deep inside.


Jege (Jen) said...

ABB, you need to run for president.

Theresa Z said...

Once again you've written what I wish I could have, should have, but I haven't had a drink all week, maybe that's the problem...hmmm....I linked to this one as well. I'm getting the platonic girly crush thing

dave bones said...

All this talent and you make cocktails too!

I got in a discussion with some folk around the question

"Is Condi Rice Black"?

What do you think?

Michele in Michigan said...


All I can add is, "DING DING DING!" and point upward toward the rest of the "comments" section and stammer, "YEAH! What THEY said!!"

I can't even WATCH that pitiful fuck on TV. Ever.

bold as love said...

Let me apologize for using your comment section to address one of the comments made concerning Condi Rice before hand. I mean no disrespect to you or your blog. Dave bones, Never, ever ask that stupid ass question again- Condi rice is black- she was born black and she will die black, you United kindom fuck. Condi was born and raised in Alabama, yes that's the deep south, for any of you euro weenies that seem to know so fuckin much about the world.You know the place where the real racists used to turn the dogs loose onto women and children, the place where the firehoses were used on a regular basis--but there was no fire. The same place where strange fruit hung from the trees. Condi grew up among all of that, and guess what dave bones, she was no safer than any other little black girl in the state of alabama. Being black is not a political affliation. Being black is not listening to a certain music, being black is not wearing fubu, ---being black is simply being black, motherfucker.

Once again I apologize Miss ABB.

dave bones said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dave bones said...

great answer by the way. I posted it. hope you dont mind.